<p>You read many success stories on this forum: BWRK kid gets into a good college and loves it. I'd like to hear some problem stories: what if he/she hates it? What if he/she doesn't fit in socially or academically?</p>
<p>For those who dealt with, or are dealing with -- such issues, your comments would be appreciated.</p>
<p>I think TheDad did a survey last year and found that almost all the kids were happy. Even if they couldn't go to their first choice schools.</p>
<p>But I am sure there are exemptions.</p>
<p>My neighbor's daughter went across country to a large state U. Had spent vacations in the area, had visited the college...it was the college of her choice. Money was no object to her family -- she could have gone anywhere. They drove her out in August, stayed for a few days and arranged for everything she needed in her dorm. She called her dad up within a month after school started and wanted to come home. She absolutely hated everything about where she was. They drove all the way out there within days, picked her and her stuff up and drove her back home. She was able to enroll in a close to home small state U where her dad is a prof and transfer at the end of her freshman year to the big state U. She lived happily ever after, graduated and is gainfully employed. Another friend's son graduated high school at the top of his class was accepted into a really, really tough large university in specialized type of architecture. He barely survived his freshman year, hated his major, ended up transferring to a very small school a thousand miles away, changed majors, graduated and is happily and gainfully employed. I'm sure these types of things happen. Students have expectations, they might think they know exactly what they want to do, they may have difficulty finding friends quickly, dozens of reasons.</p>
<p>My third child, #2 son, had a rough freshman year. In Oct. and as late as Feb. he said he hated his school, had no friends, saw no people he would want to be friends with, etc., etc. (Did love his professors though). This was his one and only school he was interested in. Thought it was his dream school. We told him to stick it out the year, meet with a counselor, and then whatever he wanted to do as far as transfer was fine. He went as far as check out transfer requirements at a few schools.</p>
<p>By May---loved the school, had lots of friends, can't wait to go back, etc., etc. </p>
<p>In some ways I think he had built this school up to be some kind of utopia, that there was no way it would meet his expectations. By the end of the year the dream and reality had meshed and become comfortable and enjoyable. (though the work load remained hard!)</p>
<p>That is why it is so important to go see. Not only your first choice, but any others you're thinking of. Find a fit.</p>
<p>ONe friend's D was resistant to working the college app list with her parents...she ended up at her financial safety, still a well-reputed school, probably top 50 USNews, good scholarship, etc., but she did not ever want to go there, she was never miserable, but she was never happy. She investigated transferring after 2 years, but would lose too many credits so chose to stick it out. I think she is almost done, but never had that college experience you hope for...though i am not sure how she would have done elsewhere!</p>
<p>That's true Opie, but he had seen, spent time and looked at several other schools and thought that this school was the "fit". Of course, turns out maybe it was---just adjustment? and would have happened anywhere?</p>
<p>Probably,</p>
<p>Big change being actually responsible for everything. Learning to seek help rather than expect it. It's an adjustment for sure, even if the place is the best choice. It's that transition towards being independent. </p>
<p>For us, the kids college picks were like a marriage. They had to be sure this was the "one". We made it very clear that with the amount of scholarship dollars floating around (both NMF) that it was very important to "learn" to love the place they chose, or come home and leave six figures worth of scholarships behind. Both are at schools we could never have sent them to, so if they chose poorly, they could never return to that level again. </p>
<p>The best advice was to tell him to stick it out. Let it grow on him. While we shouldn't burn the bridge back home, we might want to put a gate on it that works both ways.</p>
<p>My D began her college career at a school that turned out to be a poor fit socially. Bottom line: she transferred. Transferring is definitely not the end of the world, not by a long shot. After completing just one semester at her first school, she had a cystal clear understooding of what she wanted. Second time around she chose well: she just completed her sophomore year at her transfer school, and is extremely happy. The critical issue for kids who find they're at the wrong school is to keep up the grades, no matter what else is going on: If you tank academically, you're stuck.</p>
<p>I can second everything wjb said; it's my D's story exactly. Very poor fit in first school--partyish, lots of ugly drinking, not as academically inclined as it billed itself. Second school--wonderful fit. Socially much more eclectic, academically much more committed, and in general, the place she found "her people."</p>
<p>There's a refrain, particularly at CC, that everyone loves the school they go to, even if it wasn't their first choice. Not so. Some do adjust, some excell and are very happy, some suffer in silence, and some transfer. For a signigicant number of kids, it's the best choice if they have the chance. I transfered as did my D--neither of us went off looking to do so; both of us were much, much happier when we did.</p>
<p>Yes garland, I was going to add to my post and got called to the dinner table! There are many reasons why things don't work out. Obviously my neighbors who drove 1500 miles to pick up their daughter after 4 weeks discerned something very serious. It can take 6-9 months to "make good" friends and for those kids, maybe sticking it out the first year will turn the experience around. For others in the wrong program at the wrong school...transfer is the way to go and hopefully the kid hasn't screwed up their freshman year academically. I think parents can help by reading between the lines...as they have their entire child's life...only then can we help and give appropriate advice. I remember once calling my parents in my sophmore year begging for them to come get me. They declined. Only in retrospect did I realize that I was looking for an excuse when I needed to dig deep in my belly during a particularly tough quarter. Fortunately, my parents 'read between the lines.'</p>
<p>Exactly, momof three--you have to know your kid. D and I talked long and hard for the first year at her first school, but it gradually became apparent that it was just not the right place for her. Transfering is very, very difficult--it's something you do because you can't conceive of going back. I could tell pretty early on that it would probably be the best outcome for her--and picking schools the second time, she had a much better idea of what to look for.</p>
<p>A friend's D was a URM at a college. The college is located about 1.5 hours from home. D was very unhappy-no friends, felt people were staring at her, nobody to eat with in the cafeteria. She was extremely unhappy. She transferred after one year. During that year she came home nearly every week-end. This was both expensive and hard on the parents. She transferred to another school for soph year, but was planning to transfer again b/c she needed to pull up gpa earned from the first school to gain admission to the school she wanted to really attend. This resulted in 3 schools in 3 years. She will graduate from school #3 4.5 years after beginning at school #1, so it worked out. She was very happy at school #3, where she will have attended for 2.5 years.</p>
<p>The Val. of S's class went to well-respected private university which also happened to be Mom's alma mater and where grandfather once taught. She called home after one week to say she hated it. Mom was incredulous because she loved the sch. so much. She was doing well academically but apparantly felt that she would never fit in the social scene. After 1st semester, she came home and transferred to the local state u while applying as a transfer to the flagship state u that she had been accepted to a year earlier. She will be attending the flagship u in Aug. Oh, the 1st school she attended was only 1.5 hours from home and she had visited many times over the years.</p>
<p><em>raises hand</em> I hate my school. Maybe hate is a bit of a strong word, but right now I just feel like its something to live through and be gotten over with so I can move on to the next stage in my life, its not something I particularly enjoy. Its mostly my fault, too.</p>
<p>In high school I was one of those kids everyone loves to hate who didnt really try particularly hard but still did very well. I got good grades but I never got into this business of taking AP classes just because theyd raise my gpa or searching for impressive ECs. Im the only person in my family who ever really went to college, so my parents didnt have any ideas about it other than that I had to go, and that I should go somewhere cheap, and I didnt really have any ideas other than I wanted to go somewhere good (but I didnt really know what good was), and what my major was going to be. We toured a bunch of colleges but I never really loved any of them. I was wait listed at the one that I liked the most, and out of the rest I chose the one I attended because it had a decent climate and it was in a large city, which I thought would be an interesting experience. I also had a best friend going to a college that was right nearby, and while I told myself that that wasnt the reason I was choosing this school, that really wasnt entirely true. I didnt really pay much attention to the colleges themselves, just their locations.</p>
<p>My freshmen year, I alternated between saying I hated it to go along with the in-joke that everyone hates the school, and actually hating it. Ive always been really horrible at making friends and never managed to have much of a social life in high school, so I was hoping that in college I could be normal. My first mistake in trying to be normal, aside from being really shy, was the fact that I didnt want to drink. People will tell you, thats cool, I respect your choice to your face, but then you will find yourself somehow excluded from all of their weekend plans (which happen to involve drinking). By the end of freshmen year I had a few casual friends in my major, but I was unhappy with the major itself. I hung onto it because I was afraid that if I switched Id lose all the friends that I had and not make any new ones. I ended up living with some of the girls from my major and I ended up switching anyway. </p>
<p>I did consider transferring at this point, but since it was summer I would have had to wait until the next fall to start at the new school. I was worried that a lot of my credits wouldnt transfer, and that I would end up having to start over from scratch making friends at whatever new school that I went to, and I figured Id also have to start in the second year, which would give me 5 total years of school. I actually got halfway through an application before I decided that the pros didnt outweigh the cons and I gave up. I never made friends in the new major. </p>
<p>I never saw my old friends except when I ran into them on campus. My roommates kicked me out the very day my half-done transfer application was due. I got an apartment by myself. I was supposed to go on a six-month internship but I was unable to find a job and I ended up sitting around my apartment all day during that period. I went from averaging As and Bs in the first major to Bs and Cs in the new major. I think those were the first Cs Id ever gotten in my life. Around the end of my second year, the best friend from the nearby college decided she was too busy to bother talking to me. I tried joining a club to meet new people, but it turned out that like half the active members were people I already knew (and I know they dont like me). I still go to meetings because its that or stay in my apartment, but its kind of awkward. I have one more year left, theres no point in even considering a transfer or anything, so Im just going to stick it out. Im just hoping that the next stage of my life is better than this, but right now Im not real positive about my prospects of finding a job if I cant even get someone to hire me without pay for a few months. Looking back I feel like I was actually the happiest I was in a while my freshmen year, and then the next 2 years were just a waste of my life. Im hoping thatll go away once I graduate.</p>
<p>Blah:</p>
<p>It makes me sad to read how dismal your college years have been, it was the same situation with my friend's D. It is really frustrating to read how wonderful every one else's experiences are when yours is so mundane.</p>
<p>One good thing to remember, for the future, you need a degree and now you almost have one. If you can learn from the negatives of college- whether that be choosing yoour interests better, learning to find more people who are like you in a big crowd of different people, how to work and show your best work even when the situation is dragging you down, etc.....if you can take those lessons into your future, then college was not a waste of time. It may not have been what you hoped and dreamed it would be, but you will have learned a lot about yourself and your place in life and will hopefully make better choices for the future and will find the career area and friends which bring yoiu joy!</p>
<p>It is up to you, yes, it has been disappointing but take those lessons from it and make the next phase of your life better/happier/more satisfying/etc.</p>
<p>Also, having watched my very close friend's D go through something similar....olook deep within yourself and see if you can find any behaviours which are your "fault" and which cause some of these problems. Sometimes learning is about not just academics but about yourself and your style. Find the ways to be your best you!</p>
<p>Hey, it can only get better from here, right!?</p>
<p>I hate my school. I'm at University of Delaware--my parents forced me to go here instead of my dream school of McGill University (which I got accepted to). They finally realized they made a mistake and let me apply to transfer to McGill...and I got rejected. I got a C and a C+ (was salutatorian of my high school) b/c I couldn't find any motivation and was so depressed at UD even though I had plenty of friends. So now I'm stuck at UD for another year. Hopefully transferring to McGill for Junior year if I can somehow get through this year at UD. I know regardless I'm always going to regret not having 4 years at McGill.</p>
<p>Wow, your story seems to almost mirror that of a friend of my son's: she attended U. Delaware as a freshman, and was deeply unhappy. She finally left the school in the beginning of second semester, came home, took some courses from a local college and applied to transfer. Her first choice was McGill. I don't know whether she was accepted, (altho I think I would have heard by now if she was), --she was accepted by another local college. I don't know what her plans are for next year, but I'm quite certain she will not be going back to Delaware--just a bad fit, apparantly. Hope you have a better year, or that you end up at a place that's right for you. Best of luck.</p>
<p>Can you please elaborate a bit? My daughter is considering it for the honors program.</p>
<p>I'm in the honors program. You'd think in the honors program the professors would be really great, but I had a lot that couldn't teach and didn't give fair exams--and I'm a really hard worker/study a lot. Also, the drinking is out of control, there really is nothing else to do. All the honors kids seem to be the biggest partyers. I guess it depends what your daughter wants to major in; if it's chem/biochem/chem engineering I'd definitely choose somewhere else. If there's anything specific you'd like to know about the school, I'd be happy to help! v</p>