my friend said my personal statement didn't look like a personal statemtn. help!

College Essays
1

<p>i've got only 4 days left to revise my commonapp essay, but my friends said it was a but too profound and complicated to be a personal statement. Is there any way i can keep my writing, i really like it? Can anyone please help me proofreading it?</p>

2

<p>I can take a look</p>

3

<p>I can help.</p>