<p>I don’t think this is all about the mom or the mom’s need to keep the OP within a certain radius “because of the mom.” I think this is a mom concerned about the cost and costs of being far away. The Mom has given the OP a budget to work with. Remember the vast, vast majority of college kids are not trekking across the country to attend private schools. There may be absolutely fine colleges in the OPs state, I haven’t taken the time to try and figure out what state that is, but it’s entirely possible the public colleges are contenders. It’s even possible there is more than one choice of college in the state. It’s difficult to lose that perspective when participating in these forums. I also think the mom is concerned about either having a very unhappy and disappointed D come spring or having a month of arguments and tears. </p>
<p>The mom might “get” that only 10% of schools utilize Profile and the mom may very well “get” that it’s very expensive colleges that utilize Profile. She’s following her gut. It’s not an “ignorant” position. The mom does not see a cost/benefit value and there may not be one. The OP has stated that most extended family members attended in-state colleges. But, the mom is not convinced that perhaps the OP will be able to “win” the merit game. </p>
<p>That said, I think the OP needs to offer to pay for the Profile and needs to convince the mom that the OP will play by the rules and if the private schools are not affordable will give them up in the spring without a whimper.</p>
<p>If your parents are married to each other, can’t your dad fill out the CSS Profile? I don’t think CSS Profile requires that both parents agree to inputting info. </p>
<p>Unless Carleton gives super aid like Harvard, I can’t imagine why your FAFSA EFC would be so much higher than your Profile family contribution. Are you sure that you did the numbers correctly?</p>
<p>If you attend a FAFSA school that doesn’t meet need, then it easily can be more expensive to attend than a PROFILE school that does meet need.</p>
<p>This just needs to be said. If I’m off, then I apologize. But, it’s my own thoughts, as a mom of two college kids.</p>
<p>I can certainly understand why a woman who went through a recent bout with ovarian cancer might not want a daughter to go so far away to school. Wow, any cancer can put folks into an emotional tailspin- even if you don’t see that on the surface. </p>
<p>We don’t know your history with Mom through the past year. It is possible (I am only saying, possible) that something else planted the first seeds that you are not considering her needs to the extent she needs. It’s also possible she can’t express her concerns and fears about her health, so she focuses on college costs, when the issue is emotions.</p>
<p>Add to that, even if she came to the US as a youngster, the cultural expectation may be quite strong that you would stay close when one parent is ill. (Have seen this in my own family.) </p>
<p>This may not be an ordinary “I want to go away for college and you don’t want me to” scenario. Expaining to her, over and over, that the costs may come out less, may not be on target. She may still be thinking it’s too far for her comfort. Maybe, that’s what you need to tackle: how to assure her you will be there for her. </p>
<p>OP, I think you should go to a great college. I think you deserve it. But, this may not be an ordinary “controlling parent” situation. I advocate some understanding and attemts to reassure her. Again, if I’m off, sorry. Best of luck.</p>
<p>I also think that the mom is wanting to redirect her child NOW, so that the child will re-focus and apply to schools that will likely be affordable.</p>
<p>I think the mom fears that if the child proceeds with the current list of schools, then in the spring, the student will have a handful of unaffordable acceptances and THEN the pressure will be to take out BIG loans…which is obviously not an option.</p>
<p>The mom has been pretty upfront about what she’s willing to pay and she willingly did the FAFSA so knows the EFC that will be in play for the thousands of non-Profile colleges. My guess is that “big loans” won’t be an option.</p>
<p>If it was just that the mom didn’t want the student to consider “expensive private schools” at all, why did she let the student go through all the hassle and expense of putting in the applications in the first place (which it sounds like is a done deal)?</p>
<p>That sounds odd to me too. The applications for four pricey private schools would probably be at least twice the cost of the CSS profile without any waivers.</p>
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<p>I think the OP said that s/he would pay for the Profile on the first page, so I don’t think that the cost is really the issue. I think that affordability or maybe distance is really the key here.</p>
<p>I’m skeptical that with an income of around $100,000 your EFC at Carleton will be $12,000. I think your EFC via the institutional methodology is going to be higher than you think.</p>
<p>'rentof2 - I don’t think there’s any way to fill it out without my mom finding out. She’s the one who sees all the credit card statements or whatever, so she will know about it eventually.</p>
<p>megmno - There is a 40% chance that her cancer will return within two years after she finished treatments. Those two years will end this summer, so I don’t think there will be as serious of a need for me to stay close to home as there would have been if I was going through this two years ago.</p>
<p>momofthreeboys - I have proposed to do exactly what you suggested (pay the fees and not go to a school that ends up being too costly). The answer is still “No”.</p>
<p>mom2collegekids - Considering the fact that my mom is the primary payer of bills and whatnot, I don’t think I would be successful in completing the CSS with my dad. I have pointed out that a FAFSA-only school that doesn’t promise to meet 100% of need can be more expensive, but that statement doesn’t seem to resonate with her.</p>
<p>mathmomvt - My mom says that she only let me apply to those colleges because she thought I just wanted to see if I could receive acceptance letters from those colleges. I have no idea why she thinks I would apply to a college I don’t plan to attend.</p>
<p>If this is going to really bother you not to complete the process because of your mom’s position, I would have a heart to heart with her and your dad. You’ll want to let them know that this is really important to you and you do understand the cost constraints, but do not want to be forever wondering what might have been or harboring any resentment toward them over it. If you do this in a calm and mature way, I think it might give them something to think about…almost everyone has had those moments of “what if” over lost opportunities. Having your dad at least hear your concerns may prod him to exert some influence in the process.</p>
<p>sk8rmom - I’ve been considering doing that this weekend. I think I’m going to write them a letter (I tend to express my thoughts and feelings better through writing) outlining the points you mentioned.</p>
<p>Hard as it is to believe, some parents just don’t want their children to have more opportunities than they themselves did, or even as many. This probably happens more often when noncustodial parents are involved, but there are probably custodial parents who feel this way as well. My children’s father wanted them all to go to nothing more expensive than a community college, although he had graduated from a private college with his parents’ financial help. I think some parents are jealous of the children’s success. </p>
<p>If the mother actually has a significant risk of dying of cancer before the teen finishes college, that is all the more reason why the teen should try to attend a top flight college, increasing the chance of getting a good professional job right out of school. Of course most parents would miss their kids if they went far away to college - but if the child is happy, it is a good school, and it actually costs less (including transportation) than a closer school, why shouldn’t they go there? It is not about the parent.</p>