The excited crowd cheered as the first finishers crossed the finish line! The first finisher had bushy, brown hair. It was all frizzy because of the brutal, fast wind during the race. The other was a colored boy who wore the jersey, “Marathon Red Raiders.” Marathon was always known for being one of the best cross country and track teams in the state. Nobody knew if it was possible to beat the Marathon Red Raiders. They hadn’t been beaten by any team in the state in over two years. Although, there was a change bound to happen.
Our middle school cross country team name, “Neillsville Warriors” was starting to get a quite a bit of attention from the local news stations. The announcers would say stuff like “rising stars to take on the Marathon Red Raiders cross country team in the future.” Although, we knew that we couldn’t compete with Marathon yet because they were a high school team, 9th-12th grade and we were a middle school team, 6th-8th grade. All of the Marathon distance runners were in 9th and 10th grade and all of our team, except one were in 8th grade. It was starting to look like a rivalry would soon be between us, Neillsville, and them, Marathon. So who would it be? The Neillsville Warriors or the Marathon Red Raiders?
The last middle school cross country race that I ran was a 5K in the mud. I ran my PR (Personal Record) which was 15:48. Many of my teammates PR’s were also in the 15 to 16 minute range. Our average time in that race was 16:42, Marathon’s average time was 16:29. Even though we had a worse average time, we were the younger team and still had time to compete and grow as runners as well as human beings who are now high schoolers. My first cross country race of high school was soon to come, and Marathon was there. Welcome to the WIAA State Championships!
It was right before the race when our team walked over to the Marathon team tent, shook their hands, and said “good luck.” We knew this race was very important and that we would need to race very good to compete with the biggest, best, and fastest, the Marathon Red Raiders. Although, we were the great, mighty, and stealthy Neillsville Warriors. It was a race that nobody could predict.
“10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5…” said the official. “4, 3, 2, 1” I repeated in my head. “Boom!” went the gun as it fired into the air. This began the race! The first 200 meters were a full out sprint between us and the competitors. I was in the lead for the first 400 meters of the race, but just a few inches to my right was a ton of Marathon runners. Following them were my teammates. Once we got to the ½ mile marker, we all realized that we were out to a very fast start, 2:02 for the first 800 meters. About 2:10 to 2:15 was the average for the first 800 meters in the race. It was a mad-dash to get to the front of the pack.
I was now at the one mile marker when I realized that I was going to need to conserve some energy for the finish. I ran a 4:40 first mile and I was an entire four seconds ahead of the competition which consisted mostly of Neillsville and Marathon runners. It was incredibly crazy to be in the lead by so much at the one mile marker in such a competitive meet.
When I got to the two mile marker, my time was 10:09. The next closest runner ran 10:17 for the two mile. I took a quick glance back and realized that everybody on my team was in the top pack. I couldn’t believe that this many people on my team were ahead of the Marathon runners. When I ran past my coach, she yelled “keep going, at this point we’re going to win!”
I soon realized that my dreams of winning the state cross country meet was soon to become true as I was sprinting past the finish line. I had won the race! So had my team too. My time was 15:59. In cross country, the lower the score the better. Our team had 41 points and Marathon had 57 points. It is extremely rewarding to know that all of our hard work was starting to pay off, we now stood a chance against some of the best teams in the state, Marathon, Dodgeville, Eau Claire, Appleton, and Mineral Point. I’ve always surprised myself by doing what I thought was impossible. Now it might not be so impossible. I proved that with a win at the state championships!
Don’t post your essay online.
I read it anyway, and it’s mediocre at best. It was in fact hard to read, has grammatical issues, and isn’t compelling. I learned nothing about you and it wasn’t an interesting story.
You’re a sophomore? You shouldn’t be worrying about writing college essays yet. This may not even be on prompt.
For the people who are saying “don’t post your essay online” please know that I’ve already copywritted it.
itsgettingreal17, what are the grammatical issues?
This essay doesn’t say anything about you besides the fact that you ran fast in one race. It also doesn’t reveal anything that you would bring to campus. Why would they want to have you as a student, classmate, roommate? What will they gain by choosing you?
What does “copywritted” even mean? And that doesn’t stop an ad com from finding it in a plagiarism application.
Regarding the essay, I’ll make a few comments:
- Colleges do not care to hear the details of middle school activities. Even 9th grade is long ago for a college app. But I wouldn’t focus your essay on it. Colleges want to hear about you as a young adult about to embark on your college journey. Not reliving the glory days so much.
- A “we won the championship” essay is a dime a dozen to college admission officers. It reveals little of your personality, and little about you that couldn’t already be gleaned from the list of awards or activities. They want to know what makes you tick, what makes your personality or approach different in life, how have you evolved to be that person during your HS years? If you are a good runner, I’d assume the track or cross country coach is already recruiting you, and admissions would know that. In that case, you want to show them what else you bring to campus that is interesting.
- You do have some grammar and punctuation issues, too (but since I wouldn’t recommend that you use this essay anyway, won’t go through line by line). And the flow is confusing (continuing to list who the other teams were is just not sticking with me as I read it).
the above advice is very helpful. also doubting that you’ve copyrighted your essay as that process can be long and costs money. also a word of advice if you ever post essays again, if the town names are real in this essay that is a lot of personal information that could, if someone was dedicated enough, lead to your location. while it is fine/encouraged to put personal info in your essay for the admissions committee to read, it is not encouraged to do this on the internet. best of luck!
OP is probably following bad internet advice on common law copyright. Agree with others that this is not a good essay or personal statement or whatever. Can’t agree that there were a lot of grammatical errors (save for the poor and too frequent use of “Although, …”), but the punctuation was not good in places. Keep trying. But write a different essay when it’s time.
Thanks for the advice. Kinda depressed now 
I mean, I have a 4.53 GPA, 35 ACT, multiple AP classes. What else can they be looking for?
If you’re targeting very selective schools, most of the applicants will also have great grades and test scores. All you can do is continue your good academics, participate in extracurriculars that make you happy, and apply to several schools over a range of acceptance rates when it’s time for you to apply. Let the chips fall where they may.
You are a sophomore. You have plenty of time to come up with a better essay topic. Focus your time on keeping your good grades, and ECs. Find schools in a range of selectivity that are strong in your major, affordable, and seem like a fit. Don’t let prestige and ego drive your search. You are in fine shape for good results if you are smart about your search.
What @intparent said.
WHY do I did need to keep repeating myself: DON’T post your essay PUBLICALLY.
If you want someone to read your essay, just pm them.
The essay you have posted does not say anything, ANYTHING, about you. Anyone could have written this essay in some similar shape or form.
You’re a sophomore. Worry about the present, which includes your schoolwork and extracurriculars. The essay will be something to worry about at the end of your junior year.
This is offensive
@GnocchiB I just re-read the essay and I am now extremely horrified.
MODERATOR’S NOTE:
Closing thread and hoping it will quickly sink to the bottom since we don’t delete threads on request. I need to invoke the mercy rule here, although I agree with all the preceding comments.