<p>how is this? </p>
<p>Over the past 4 years, my life has changed due to the activities and people I let enter. Sports have alway been a big part of my life. I have been a member of multiple teams over these 4 years, like my high school and summer swim team, my high school cross country team, and basketball team. Each have showed me that giving up is not an option. When I am at practice or a meet and I am tired and I feel like I cannot go on, I keep going, not because I have to because I want too. My first year running cross country was tough, I wanted to quit in the first month. About a month into cross country it came time for our first big meet. My race consisted of 150 girls and I was very nervous considering I have never ran in a race this big. About 2 miles into the race I become tired and I wanted to start walking but I kept running. I pushed through it and I finally finished. When I finished I realized I came in 25th place out of 150. That feeling I got when I accomplished the race that I wanted to give up on is one of my favorite. It told me that if I can accomplish something as hard as that, then I can accomplish anything as long as quit. </p>
<p>please do not look at grammar errors, just look at the content. Is this telling the story</p>
<p>Well, lots of grammar and spelling errors, as you know. It is weak in that you meander around and use way too many words per sentence and phrase. Example: “When I am at practice or a meet and I am tired and feel like I can’t go on, I keep going…” Way too much. . Get to your point in a forceful fashion. “My life has changed incredibly over the past four years due to sports; I have learned to persevere” Concise explanation of what you have accomplished. End strong. </p>
<p>This needs work. </p>
<p>You sound like a very talented person, but college essays are usually more effective when they are more focused. Simply listing activities like a laundry list is not very effective or useful, as you are already submitting a list of your activities. The essays are meant to reveal a part of you that cant be revealed by your grades or list of extracurriculars. Your essay at the moment sounds more like a brag sheet, and it’s a bit unfocused. Try focusing on one specific experience or activity which has played an important role in your life thus far and affected you on a more meaningful level. Get feedback from teachers and family members and don’t give up! Best of luck :)</p>