So during the college application process, my parents- more like one of them- found a school that they really liked and took me to visit the campus. I was okay with it. I didn’t hate it but I also didn’t love it. When it came time to apply, they really wanted me to apply ED and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Essentially, I was pressured into applying. I voiced my doubts to them, saying I would rather not apply ED and even would rather apply ED to a different school. They weren’t happy about it. So, I wrote my essays and ended up getting in. I will never get to see the results of my other applications but that’s not a big deal. And, to be honest, when I saw my acceptance, I was kind of sad. I know all of this is super privileged and I’m absolutely grateful that I’m able to go to college. But, after dwelling on it for a couple of months and meeting other people who got accepted, I’m really starting to doubt it and I’ve sort of become bitter. I know there’s nothing I can do now, so I just need some advice or maybe some cheering on.
Your parents are in the wrong on this. Luckily, you can always transfer. Give it a semester or two, then decide if its still the place for you.
If I can ask, what about the school appealed to your parents? And why don’t you like it?
I am sorry this happened to you. I imagine you are a good student who has worked hard which makes it all the more unfortunate that your voice wasn’t the loudest one in your college search. It should have been.
I think the best thing you can do at this point is to control what you can and that’s your attitude, outlook, and perspective. Try to focus on the fact that yes, you are getting a college education and I’m guessing going to live on campus. Living away from home means your voice will be first and foremost in your daily life. While you couldn’t choose your college, you can choose what clubs you join, who your friends are, what you do on the weekend, and hopefully what classes you take. Focus on controlling what you can and be determined to make the very most of your college experience.
I have a family member who is in her 60s. Apparently she when to the undergrad school that she did because she had a partial scholarship but it wasn’t the school she wanted. She felt forced to take that scholarship by her parents. This woman is in her 60s and is still bitter about her undergrad college! Do not be that person. It is such a waste of energy, has derailed her relationship with her parents, is jealous of younger siblings who got to go where they wanted, and the lifelong bitterness is quite unattractive. Make up your mind now not to be that person.
One thing I have done in life, as I journey forward, to help me with the things my parents did the may not have been to my satisfaction is that I accept that every parent does the very best they can. It may not always be right, or good, or what would have been best for me, but it was their best. This perspective has really helped me let go and practice forgiveness. It allows me to more forward. The sooner you can adapt this approach in life, it will benefit you.
Bloom where you are planted, be positive, look for the good and become the best version of yourself at your college. You don’t know why yet but maybe there is a reason why this step will be best for you. Maybe one day you will look back and say, “I am so glad I went to XYZ.” “The reason I was meant to go there was PQR.” The perfect future opportunity might come from someone you meet at your college. You might find the love of your life there. Maybe your lifelong best friend. You may meet a professor who profoundly changes your career path in a good way. Good things are waiting for you, you just have to be open to them.
It is also important to always remember this and if you have children of you own one day, listen to their voice. We don’t always get what we want but sometimes we can give that to someone else. Use your experience to learn and give to others. If you become a parent, break this cycle don’t repeat it.
I wish you the very best and remember attitude and perspective are everything.
I know that it is totally within your rights to want privacy and to keep the name of the school a secret, but on these boards you have to understand people are a nosy bunch and you can’t expect us to not want to know the name of the school in question. Truthfully if you mentioned the name it would likely help you out as there will be people here who love that school and will tell you honestly how great it is.
If you don’t mind sharing the name of the school, you may find a lot of people on here can share some positives. Also, your parents reasoning behind their decision?
I also feel so bad for you. I had an early front runner for ED. For almost 3 yrs I was sure I would ED at Tufts…loved it, did summer programs, visited etc. When it came time to ED, something in me told me not to do it. I told my parents, (my mom loved Tufts) but they want to make sure I go where I am meant to be. So I applied ED to Cornell…got deferred. Then TO. I went on to make 15 schools all Top 15-50. I’m going to a school that I heard from last…it was the last college I visited and the one I liked best. I would have never known if I ED to Tufts. It was a long 3 1/2 years and 20 college visits later. I was given the option to transfer to Cornell next fall, but I doubt I will take it.
Your college journey is not over. You can always transfer next year. This year is so uncertain anyway, you may wind up virtual in the fall. Just don’t be bitter about your outcome. Don’t let it define your college experience.
A lot of kids head off to college each year without a lot of enthusiasm – they didn’t get in to any of the ones they really liked, they couldn’t afford the ones they liked, they realized during senior year that they had prioritized the wrong things in putting together a list, etc. Your reason is different, but you are not alone.
I can understand feeling bitter. And it’s OK to recognize that and give in to it for a while. Then… head off to school with the goal of really enjoying it and getting as much out of it as you can. If it’s feeling wrong, you can transfer.
This will not be the last time in your life that you will be disappointed with your situation. How you handle these situations will always be a choice. It’s hard - really hard - to be positive and make the most of a circumstance that isn’t what you’d choose, but if you can do it, you will be on your way to a much happier life.
Also, take what you have learned about your relationship with your parents so that you can all “do better” next time. They probably want the best for you – figure out how to communicate better so your point of view is part of that.
I’ll be a slight dissenter here.
This subject came up when I was talking to a business partner a few days ago. She told me that when she was a high school senior, she had her heart set on attending School A. It is a very respected school and she’d known about it for a long time. Her mother insisted she apply to school B. My friend had never heard of school B. It was far away, in a state she had never visited. She cried and cried and felt miserable that the decision had been taken out of her hands.
She ended up loving her time at School B. She got good grades, graduated, and went to grad school at another university. She has had a great career. She is very grateful to have attended School B and that her parents paid all her costs.
School B was Notre Dame. Sometimes, parents make decisions because they know better.
Unless you think your parents are actually doing this only to make you unhappy, please take a moment to consider the good reasons they may have for wanting you to attend this particular school.
my son really would like to attend Colorado School of mines. great location, great academics. But the price is unaffordable and kid had to make choices between several schools that were definitely not his first choice at all (but affordable).
It’s not fair to ask you to feel better about things because other people have it worse off – but I hope you realize that you make your own destiny. Get great grades and transfer – or move to the city where you’d like to be right after college. Go for some abroad studies down the road; look for internships all over the US to try something new. Join some crazy clubs out of your wheelhouse. learn new skills, take a few classes that are not in your major. (eg: rock climbing class) – that’s what my kid will be taking while he’s not in Colorado to study. You are given this gift of higher education; I wish you the best with it.
The parents probably will not let the OP transfer (withhold college money if s/he tries).
So, I have a few thoughts. One of them is that you only know your current reality. But how do you know if other possible paths would have been better?
There an ancient Chinese idiom that translates as “the old man on the frontier loses his horse”.
What it refers to is the following story.
There was an old man who lived on the (northern) frontier (where it is wilderness filled with non-Chinese tribes farther north).
He had a horse but it ran away. His neighbors offered him condolences but he asked them “how do you know it is a bad thing?”
One day, that horse can back with a mare. His neighbors congratulated him but he asked “how do you know it is a good thing?”
One day his son rode the new mare who threw him off and the son broke his leg. Again his neighbors offered condolences and again, the old man ask them how they knew it was a bad thing.
Soon after, the emperor drafted/rounded up all the abled-bodied young men in that district and marched them to a new war (essentially a death sentence from the viewpoint of parents as the solders will serve in the army until they die; they’re not coming home again). The old man’s son wasn’t drafted because of his broken leg.
So you were “forced” to apply ED to this school that you were neutral about (so your title is misleading" because atthattime, you were OK with it.
But what if you hadn’t applied ED? We all know that it’s much easier to get in ED than RD to the most selective schools. So your reality if you had chosen a different path could have been being shut out of all the schools you want to be at. Would you have been happier at a safety than the school you are heading to? It’s human nature to think the grass is greener on the other side. But, while it is difficult, try to imagine the other side having no grass and being a bombed out crater.
My other thought it is that a key part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your own actions. Maybe you’re not an adult yet (but if that is the case, maybe college isn’t really for you yet; do you think you are ready for college?). But an adult doesn’t say they were “forced” to do something that they actually actively participated in. If you were truly against the idea of applying ED to that school, you could have taken several steps:
- You could have refused. What were your parents going to do? Were they going to throw you out of the house?
- You could have sabotaged the app (just say in the app to the college you have no interest in going). Then you would have been in the same state as applying RD.
Remember, ultimately, you are in charge of your life. Other people may want to influence you (and your parents are doing so almost certainly because they think it is for your own good; whether it actually is may be up for debate). But what isn’t up for debate is who should take ownership for the decisions that you made. There’s only one person in the world who should do that.
@PurpleTitan We don’t know OP’s family dynamics. There are families where a child would never dream of defying a parent. I would say, in some circumstances, a child isn’t actually making a choice/decision and therefore should not be forced to own that decision.
OP, I am sorry you are going through this. Others have given you good advice to go in with a positive attitude, and you may actually love it. Being in college, and feeling the independence you develop, should help you learn to stand up to your parents. Given that they’re willing to take you on college visits and have you apply ED, it sounds like they love you and think they have your best interests at heart. If it transpires that you really don’t like your school, you’ll be in a better position to advocate for a transfer.
Good luck!!
Although the above is true, it is also true that parents can exert a very high level of control (beyond just influence) on what choices their kid is allowed to choose from when making decisions. When faced with overwhelming pressure (possibly with the threat of not funding any other college) to attend the parent’s choice of college, how many kids do you think have the power to choose something else?
Note that some parent restrictions are not necessarily those that the parent wants to impose, mainly in the area of cost constraints that determine the college options for the vast majority of college students (and the lack of options for those who have difficulty affording any college).
In other words, if you are a high school student, your college choices are mostly determined and restricted by your parents’ circumstances and choices; your own academic achievement and personal preferences have influence only within the usually-limited range of choices that your parents’ circumstances and choices allow you to have.
Some parents choose to control their children’s options this way. It is entirely possible that your parent won’t want you to transfer, so you need to do some thinking.
Are you willing to attend this college for all four years if your parent don’t allow you to transfer?
If not, maybe a gap year is in order. Perhaps you could sell your parents on a gap year because this fall is almost certainly going to end up being online no matter where you study. Doing something else while the virus works its way through the country might be a good plan. In the time off you could think about other longer-range options.
Is there any place that you can pay for on your own with out money from your family (e.g. with a big guaranteed merit-aid scholarship)? Then that would be an option. Yes you would need to let the ED place know that your plans have changed but you won’t be the first one telling them that.
@havenoidea and @ucbalumnus: That’s true. Children are at the mercy of their parents. Adults are not.
Granted, some parents want to keep their offspring infantilized for a long time.
Ultimately, there is only one way to adulthood and independence, and that is developing financial and emotional independence. Depending on circumstances, that may be easier or more difficult for some to achieve than others, but what all people can do is decide if those are goals to aim for and working towards them if they do set those goals.