I am a freshman and I want to transfer. I did not choose this school. I want to go to the school I would have chosen. I have realized that my parents emotionally blackmailed me into coming here. I am emotionally abused; every box is checked. One thing my parents said is I could transfer and now they are pushing back. They are furious with me for wanting to transfer. They are threatening me with new threats all the time. At first they said if I transferred, they’d never help my younger siblings with college, and now they tell me that they’ll not financially support me if I transfer. This was their school choice and when my dad put the pen in my hand and I signed to come here, my dad saw how upset I was and angrily told me I was “ungrateful”. I have told them I am depressed and they say that’s okay and that they don’t care if I am happy. I have begun the transfer process and the withdrawal process. The closer I get, the more scared I get because of the fear they put in me. If I back out, I’ll keep being their puppet and the victim of conditional love. I know, 100%, that I want to transfer and that this wasn’t my choice. I would love some words of encouragement on this and pushing through and not continuing to make decisions that only please them. Please help me know I can do this. I know I will be so much better, I’m just so scared. Thank you!
Why do you feel you must leave your current school, and how do you propose to support yourself elsewhere? Can you get counseling at your current school to help you?
First off, big hugs to you! Sounds like you are in pain. Are you connected with a counselor at your school? If not, that’s step one.
My concern for you if you don’t have parent support in your transfer is finances. How will you pay for school? You need your parents to complete FASA for federal aid and you are too young to get loans on your own.
I’d also encourage you to think about what you can do to improve the situation at your current school. Are you getting involved in clubs and activities? Going to study groups, sports, arts?
While you may have wished to be at a different school, your parents aren’t in control of your happiness. They won’t “win” if you make your current school a positive experience.
And remember, college is really a means to an end for most students. It’s about taking what you learn and being successful afterwards. In how we you personally define success. Many people go to schools they don’t love. It’s OK to not be in love with where you are.
That said, if transferring makes the most sense, go for it, but please don’t go into debt to make that happen.
Need more information.
Helpful if you describe your current school as well as any transfer target schools.
What do you dislike about your current school ?
My guess is that finances were the reason your parents insisted on your current school. Is that correct? Unfortunately, many students wind up not being able to attend schools where they were admitted because of cost.
You need to go to counseling services to get emotionally healthy.
Unfortunately, as others have said, you need your parents for financial information for 4 years. Then you are off and away from them. Earn a degree that will help you to move across the country, away from them.
You’re going to have to avoid the toxicity of your parents, so get busy in school. Go through the motions but get good grades. If they call, send it to voice mail; you’re in college and need to meet your study groups. Find a campus job. Volunteer on campus. There are ways for you to keep busy and avoid having your parents control your college activities.
Firstly though, find a counselor to unramble these years of abuse you’ve endured. Put yourself first by becoming healthy. You deserve a life that makes you feel happy.
However, if “too expensive” was the reason, then the parents should have straight up said (before applications) that “$X is the limit” and allowed choice of any reasonable college within the limit instead of saying / doing whatever they did to contribute to the relationship situation that eventually happened.
People are assuming that the parents pushed this school because of budget. After reading many posts here on CC, I’m wondering if the current school is considered to be very prestigious and the parents valued that over everything else.
In the end it doesn’t matter. The parents control the money and if they won’t pay or fill out forms for a different school you are going to have to make the best of your current situation. Other posters have offered excellent suggestions.
Why did your parents want you to choose your current school? Was there a big disparity in costs between the schools? or was it some other reason? What don’t you like about your current school? and what is drawing you to the other school?
We need to know why your parents wanted this school. Cost? Prestige? Location?
We need to know why you hate it so much.
Finally you need to meet with someone to assess clinical depression and how much of a role that may be playing here. Medication may enable you to stay.
Since your parents are paying, you can remain under their control and stay, you can call their bluff and leave with risk of no support. or you can leave and support yourself.
I would like to hear that you have accessed help and possibly meds before making this decision.
Withdrawing may give you relief but it will only be momentary. You can escape the school but not the overall situation this way.
You are courageous enough to know what is good for you, especially for your mental health. So, stop being scared. There is nothing to be scared about. Your parents will get over your decision.
In the end it is your life that must reflect your own happiness, desires and goals. The job of a parent is to love, care, nurture, respect and counsel but not dictate, harm or blackmail their children. It seems to me, you are the adult in this situation and your parents are acting childish.
Yes, they control the money, but money alone will not make you successful in school if you are unhappy. Be honest with your parents, let them know how you feel. I doubt that they both have consensus in disagreeing with your desires. So, seek an honest conversation with them, hopefully with the help of a counsellor.
Be fearless, and go for it.
PS: Your parents also need counselling it seems. It is a shame that disagreeing with them honourably can cause them to create a toxic atmosphere for everyone.
FWIW, I too wanted to transfer during my freshman year and got a lot of pushback from my parents that I had to just suck it up. My freshman year grades were not great so I decided to work really hard sophomore year and took all the initiative to apply to transfer the following year. With acceptances in hand and a very well reasoned argument for why the new school was a better fit for me, my parents finally acquiesced and I transferred with their support. I agree that you should try and meet with a counselor to get some support. You are reaching out which is great, but you may feel more supported if you find someone at your current school to talk to. Best of luck.
This school was not chosen for the cost. In fact, it is an expensive private school. I wanted to go to an instate school, which is actually a nationally ranked school and better than this private school. My father decided on this school because it’s in the same city where he went to school. It’s been his plan for me since I was a child to go to the same city where he went to school. He told me I could transfer if I wanted, but now he’s saying he won’t support me if I do. He tricked me. The city is a fun place to visit, but not live. I miss my friends instate and the support they gave me. I know many people miss their high school friends, but my close friends know about my emotional abuse and their support helps me so much. Additionally, my school is just too far from the climate i am used to and love. I definitely plan on getting counseling when I transfer. I feel if I cave and give in again, I’ll be even more depressed because I will continue to play victim to an abuser. I want to live a life with my choices. If I mess up, they’re my choices, and I only have myself to blame.
Agree, but how will you pay? Can you afford to transfer? Transfers get very little funding, if any. You need to make a financial plan. I’m assuming they will not be providing ANY support when you transfer. You need their FAFSA information until you graduate, if you don’t have funding on your own.
So, you need to make a plan on how you will pay for the next couple of years.
Also, you need to find counseling services on your current campus. Let them know how much you really need them to be confidential. It’s part of their ethics and training, but you need to reiterate it.
Maybe they can even help you find funding to transfer to your instate college without your Dad’s financial support.
If not, have that conversation with your parents with another trusting adult is present. If your Dad originally told you that you could transfer, and now he’s backing out, make sure you reiterate it and make sure your adult hears it.
You signed in good faith.
A deception is a deception. Trust is something that shouldn’t be broken. If your father has broken it, he’ll never regain your trust and that’s just sad.
Please don’t wait to seek counseling.
With my state’s funding, my cost for school is doable. I will get a job to pay for the remaining. My plan is to ask my former employer. As far as basic needs, a friend’s family has offered to provide my food, and housing, too, if needed. One conundrum is my father updating my FAFSA. I don’t know how cruel he will be since I’m not planning on doing exactly what he wants. Please say some prayers for me. And him.
It really sounds like there’s a lot more to this story than what we’re hearing. Right now, going through the transfer process “anyway” is a losing strategy that’s only going to backfire on you, I promise! You mentioned depression. Before doing anything rash or self-destructive, please talk to a mental health professional. I think advising how to transfer against your parents wishes (since they’re paying for college) would be irresponsible. Transferring is just not a panacea.
I hope things work out for you, and it sounds like you are setting up a good support system with your friend’s family. Is there a time limit on their assistance? Will they help you for multiple years if needed? And what happens if they cannot?
Also, will the numbers work out if your family refuses to file future years’ FAFSAs for you? Is there a possibility that they might refuse this? And if they do, that would mean you don’t qualify for federal loans and you also very likely wouldn’t qualify for any private loans without a co-signer. Will the finances work out if you can’t get any loans?
And how many hours would you have to work in order to make your plan feasible?
I am not trying to dissuade you, but trying to understand the logistics, as I have seen many college students post college plans on cc without a comprehensive plan re: finances. (Lots of parents, too).
Also, I am in agreement with other posters that the time to seek out counseling is now.