My son who is in recovery from addiction is now applying to college...

Parents Forum
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<p>Don’t get so focused on where your son will get in; his issues are different and where he belongs is the key to making the best choice.</p>

<p>Our son had very good standardized test scores and even got scholarships to places we once worried whether they’d accept him. He went to one of those. BUT we didn’t focus too much on his challenges and that turned out to be a disaster. Don’t do what we did.</p>

<p>Instead, think about how your son will cope in college. Does he need to be near you for continued support? Does he need to be in a slightly less stressful environment than some of these top schools to do well? What is the atmosphere like at some of these schools on the weekends? I have “heard” that some of them, particularly those that are small and isolated, might not have much going on there during the weekends and therefore can be big drinking schools. Other schools that have a large frat presense can also be heavily into drinking.</p>

<p>Make your choice based on what your son needs and not based on where he’ll get in and which school has the highest rank. That was our mistake.</p>

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<p>limabeans: That is a very helpful piece of advice (I have a similar issue with my D). If you are comfortable, do you mind sharing a bit more about why the first choice was a bad fit and where he ultimately ended up and what the outcome was? I get a little starstruck about some colleges that if my D were to get into, I would probably support her attendance, even if a tiny little voice told me otherwise…thanks very much!</p>

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<p>I agree with all that has been posted. I suppose that with all the stress of the colleges admissions game, I have lost sight a bit about what really matters-my son’s sobriety and the continuation of his success.</p>

<p>As I have told lexmom, though, my son has a somewhat atypical situation, even for a typical person in recovery. According to the professionals at the treatment center we brought him to, my son technically is not an “addict”, although he was definitely on his way to becoming one. He really was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and his treatment team believed that his drug abuse was a form of self medication. Since he had not been abusing drugs for that long before entering treatment, the doctors believe that he is not a “true” addict, therefore possibly not needing a twelve step program, but rather needing treatment for his mental illness. They believed that by medication and therapy he could be helped.</p>

<p>Of course, his treatment team heavily stressed that while he may not yet be a true addict, he has a much higher predispensity toward becoming an alcoholic or addict, and therefore he should be sure to avoid all substances, although he may or may not need a traditional 12 step program. My son has taken this to heart, and has avoided the abuse of substances in order to avoid future problems.</p>

<p>However, we declined to mention the mental health disorder on his college apps, preferring to make it seem like his sole problem was drug abuse. Therefore, when he goes to college, it will probably be of greater importance to make sure he has a good psychiatrist/therapist nearby. Still, my son does consider himself “in recovery,” and does not plan on using any substance in the future.</p>

<p>I’m not sure if this makes any difference in this message that any of the other posters are trying to communicate, but maybe this will be more useful for clarification purposes.</p>

24

<p>I cannot possibly imagine what it would be like to walk in your shoes, however, my inclination is to agree with the things Limabeans mentions. I think you have to balance the need for your son to be close to you with the culture of the colleges and the professional help to continue to monitor him. Getting into the ‘best college’ to match test scores is not the most important factor in your case. There are also a plethora of really good colleges outside your region that do not have the reputation for the drinking/partying culture if you are comfortable not having him at at arms reach.</p>

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<p>We actually ended up having him apply to some near us as well as some far away. (He tended to stick near the east coast, and to places where we have clusters of family members.) He applied to the following: </p>

<p>Brown
UVA
Colgate
Haverford
Vanderbilt
Cornell
Northwestern
Swarthmore
Davidson
Duke
Georgetown
and a few safeties (Trinity, St. Lawrence) </p>

<p>He expressed some interest in some smaller schools that had big “frat” or “drinking” cultures, which concerned me a bit. I’d rather him go to a larger school, but we will see what happens.</p>

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<p>It’s too late probably, but your kid seems like he might be a great fit for Deep Springs in CA.</p>

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<p>I have to agree with the other poster. Highly selective colleges are really hard to get into and you will never know why he didn’t get accepted. Let him own his recovery. It is a postive thing and will help him no matter where he gets accepted.</p>

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<p>lexmom1993- He actually once brought up that school, but seemed to be very against it. I think he just isn’t the type who would do well in that type of environment, he needs social stimulation as well as intellectual stimulation. I’d love for him to go there, though! But to be honest, even if he did somehow love it, I think he’d have a very slight chance of getting in.</p>

<p>And @momof3greatgirls I agree that I probably will never know, and it’s probably better for me if I don’t. I’m just a worrywart, I don’t think he even cares that much where he gets into, aside from UVA (which is mostly his first choice I believe.)</p>

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<p>The difference in drinking culture at places like Colgate v. Swarthmore are so vast that I think he/you need to think it through a bit more.</p>

<p>You can get actual data from the schools themselves - each campus has an alcohol/drug coordinator, often a dean, and they survey relatively regularly. I don’t have the actual data in front of me, but it will look something like this:</p>

<p>At Colgate (a very, very good school), approximately 50% of the student body binge drinkers (at least five or more drinks in an episode; usual average is about 9) at least once every two weeks. Three out of ten do so at least three times in the past two weeks, or have two or more drinks virtually every day. The numbers are significantly higher for: males, white students, fraternity members, athletes. We know from experimental data that this is likely an underestimate, as the four-drink per episode drinker (classified as a non-binger) actually underestimate by one (and hence should be in the binge category), and mismeasures a drink by an average of 80%. You can do the math. So, for sake of argument. 60% of the campus binge drinks, higher in the categories stated. 15% of the campus is made up of abstainers. Which means the number of “moderate drinkers” is vanishingly small.</p>

<p>Then take Swarthmore (also a very, very good college): 30-32% of the campus is made up of binge drinkers (with perhaps 1 out 7 or 8 being heavy drinkers). Virtually no fraternities, not much in the way of sports. 20% abstainers. Which means the plurality of the student body will be moderate drinkers, and a clear majority moderate drinkers plus abstainers. </p>

<p>For a former substance abuser, the difference in feel of the two campuses, both of them very, very fine colleges, is going to be huge.</p>

<p>I am a substance abuse professional. My job is analyze data like this. Don’t let anyone tell you that “all campuses are the same”; or that proximity to a large number of heavy-drinking students doesn’t matter. In terms of continued recovery v. relapse, it is virtually the biggest factor of all.</p>

<p>(P.S. Drug use closely parallels alcohol use on campuses. Campuses with high binge drinking rates also tend to have high drug use rates. There are some regional differences, but this tends to hold true in most cases.)</p>

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<p>He may find it easier to stay sober if he is located in an area that has a strong sober community (I’m talking off-campus) and easy access to round the clock meetings.These tend to be near large metropolitan areas. You (or better yet, your son) might want to go on-line and check out the meeting schedule for the communities near where he’s applying. Also, if you are visiting campuses, have him go to some meetings nearby and get some phone numbers. Wherever he ends up, it would be great if he makes connections with sober people before he moves there. Starting out in a new community is a huge trigger for relapse.</p>

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<p>I am sorry, but to me it is a lie to tell a university that your child is a recovering addict when in fact you know that the real issue is an underlying mental health disorder. I think it is fantastic that he is no longer a drug/alcohol user, but the fact is that he has inherent vulnerability and you are choosing to be at best, misleading, is hardly the message I think a young person who is struggling with being honest and true to themselves and their own well being benefits from.</p>

<p>Every time that students commit suicide there is a rallying call for schools to provide more sophisticated mental health services for university students. </p>

<p>Where is the call for honesty at the beginning? To let your child tell the truth and be accepted not in spite of but because of who he really is. </p>

<p>I have a child whose school experience has been derailed for a period of time by a mental illness. She is a talented, bright student but we celebrate her complete self, including those bits that maybe make her a ‘riskier’ candidate in some senses because those are the parts that in truth are her greatest power and strength. She owns herself.</p>

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<p>Be careful about Swarthmore! I’ve heard from multiple people that it is not, perhaps, the best place for kids with a history of mental illness, because students can be prone to depression there. It is no doubt an incredible school, but there is definitely that downside to it. However, on the other hand, for some students that extremely intense study environment could actually make them less likely to use substances. So you have the smaller substance presence, but the larger depression presence. If the underlying cause of your son’s substance abuse is mental illness, definitely be careful when considering Swarthmore.</p>

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<p>

Yikes! Worriedmom, we also didn’t tell the schools that our son has challenges, mostly Asperger’s but also social anxiety and depression. We did let them know before he went away that he needed special services and we met with the Academic Support Coordinator. He went to the equivilant of the resource room regularly, but he was still overwhelmed in so many ways.</p>

<p>After truly suffering in so many ways, he eventually came home (by way of a mental hosital) and attended a LAC close to home. He was close enough to commute, which he did for a year and then boarded. He reports that that is when he finally began to enjoy college.</p>

<p>Who knew that what we originally considered critically important in choosing a college (highly ranked, an intellectually stimulating college, etc.) seemed totally unimportant in the end.</p>

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<p>I mean no disrespect, but the title and first post by the OP were a bit misleading in that the diagnosis of a major psychiatric illness was not mentioned until post #23. The discussion has focused on a history of addiction, but the vulnerability, risks and measures to reduce the likelihood of relapse needs to include the diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I think that suggestions will be more helpful if posts address the situation of a college applicant with a dual diagnosis, or at least for someone who has bipolar disorder. I too understand that the pressures related to applying to college can push parents and students toward minimizing the risks and needs posed by a significant mental health problem. Without speaking specifically to the diagnosis of bipolar disorder, but for any major psychiatric illness, I think it is a mistake to assume that any good psychiatrist/therapist will be able to take over and that things will go smoothly. The person needing mental health services will need to find someone that he/she can trust and feels comfortable working with. Once the student is away at college, it is different from before when a parent would have had a better likelihood of knowing that the student was actuallly going to the sessions and taking the medications. That would make me think a college/university in a location large enough to have several psychiatrists to choose from would be helpful. Anyway, having had a similar situation as the OP in my extended family, I felt I had to post. Good luck to you and your son.</p>

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<p>My advice to you would be to send him to college close to home, so you can keep an eye on him.</p>

<p>Even better, he should live at home.</p>

<p>As a parent, I would be very afraid that if he went off on his own, thousands of miles away, he could easily relapse.</p>

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<p>LimaBeans has posted a very useful message here.</p>

<p>While a parent in a “normal” situation will worry if there kid gets into a top school, in your case, I would be more worried about getting him into the right situation, even if it is not a top 20 college.</p>

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<p>Too late now, but perhaps he should have applied to some more conservative type colleges.</p>

<p>Even quasi-Christian colleges like Baylor, Wheaton, and other schools where drugs are not part of the culture at that college. </p>

<p>His “list” does not differ substantially from my own kid’s list, who also has high SAT scores and a high ACT.</p>

<p>In other words, his list does not appear well tailored to his specific situation.</p>

<p>I know it’s not sexy, and you probably don’t want to hear it, but perhaps he might even be better off going to community college first, to get a couple more years of sobriety under his belt, under your supervision, before he goes off to colleges that may have significant drug cultures.</p>

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<p>@TheThirdTime I agree that it is distruthful, but on every application, students tend to brush over things that could reflect negatively upon them. This is one of those things.</p>

<p>My son chose to reveal his past issues with drug abuse because although he thinks he was not yet at the point of addiction, he certainly was heading down that path. He knows that due to his mental illness he is predisposed to addiction, and therefore has taken steps to avoid it.</p>

<p>As for the ethics of not disclosing this situation, we have been told by almost everyone who knows of our sons diagnosis not to include it on his application. Although my son wanted to, he ultimately declined to go into detail about that particular part of his health history. </p>

<p>One more thing that may be useful to know is that while our son is very committed to his recovery, we also want to provide further incentive for him to stay clean. Therefore, he knows that during his freshman (and possibly soph./junior/sunior) years he will be subjected to drug tests through hair analysis (the kind courts use and which go back 90 days). Our son is fine with this, and he knows that if he begins using or stops consenting to the test that he will return home and go to a local college. </p>

<p>We also luckily have a great treatment team at a university near our house, which is prepared to help find him a new doctor near his university, although he still intends to see his current psychiatrist as well.</p>

<p>As for having our son go to a college near us, we definitely would if our son had been released from treatment more recently. However, as it has been over two years with no further incidence of drug abuse or any problems with his medication, we have decided that we should give him the opportunity to go where he wants. Especially considering the relatively short period in which he was heavily abusing drugs compared to the amount of time he has been clean, we think and hope that he will be well prepared to handle the transition to college.</p>

<p>I hope that this information helps to clarify any questions that the previous posters had! :)</p>

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<p>Others may have said this, but disclosure of either a psychiatric disorder or a substance abuse problem is completely voluntary at the admissions stage. Many applicants do not disclose at that point, and that is perfectly fine.</p>

<p>However, if a student wants services once admitted, then it is necessary to contact the disabilities office or whoever handles such things, and also to make sure of and set up supports before the student attends.</p>

<p>Some students with bipolar illness do very well once on meds and successfully attend relatively far from home. Others need to be closer to home and MD. It varies.</p>

<p>Stress tends to upset the balance for some, others thrive on it.</p>

<p>The main issue, here, I think, would be whether adherence to meds is a problem (and whether they are working).</p>

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<p>@Floridadad</p>

<p>I actually urged my son to apply to some of the more conservative schools, as well as smaller schools known for their “studiousness.” Unfortunately, he failed to see most of those as an attractive option. While it seems that his list may include a random grouping, he has visited over 30 campuses, choosing those as his favorites. </p>

<p>He also does plan to live in substance free housing, and some of these schools have support networks, especially larger ones like UVA. </p>

<p>As for the CC route, I agree that it is often a useful route. Had my son entered treatment this year or even junior year I would definitely make sure that he either did that or attended one of the colleges in our area. Luckily, he did apply to one area school, although rejected another area school because he said that the school was “fratty kids who are paying their way in.” Also, it might be important to mention that my son plays sports and is friends with many of the athletic-type kids who go out to parties often, some of whom are into drugs. He knows that we would instantly find out should he do drugs, but he also cannot drink because of his psychiatric meds. I know that he occasionally “DD’s” his friends, and he shared with us that when people ask why he can’t drink, he tells people that his body just can’t metabolize it properly. I’m not sure if he was trying to just quell our fears, but I think that hopefully he will be able to survive at college, even if some of his friends are drinkers. </p>

<p>@compmom I completely agree with your thoughts on his medications, etc. Luckily, he has been on the same meds since age 15, and they have continued to work. Regardless of where he attends college, he will continue to meet with our local psychiatrist. If he attends college farther away, our current psychiatrist will find one for him in close proximity to his college, and will continue to meet with him when he is home on break.</p>