<p>This forum seems to be a wealth of experience.</p>
<p>My best friend's son is a senior. He has ADD, accomodations, high SAT scores, low GPA (somewhere under a 3.0, not sure where it will end up after the latest crash and burn event) He has been accepted to several colleges. He is not a scholar, but someone who schools see as a cool addition to the community, Generally a sweetheart.</p>
<p>Well here is the heartbreaking part. He very recently did a really stupid thing involving marijuana, would have been expelled, but was withdrawn instead. His family is in the process of determining the next step. He was intending a gap year already. In order to continue with his gap year plans, he must get a high school diploma or GED before the fall. His parents are trying to work out the best approach. They have actually hired a consultant to help them with this, but I thought that folks on this forum would possibly be able to share their experience/success stories. These are not rich people and the whole private school thing has really really strapped them.</p>
<p>My thoughts are do the GED, take the year, regroup and reapply for colleges. But apparently there are other options, like homeschooling to a regular diploma (he needs very few credits to complete) or going to another school, or doing some kind of alternative "outward bound" kind of experience, and on and on. Not sure exactly what I am asking here, but his mom is beside herself, and I thought I would try to help with gathering info. I think her main goal, and his, is to try to make sure he can go to college in a year.</p>
<p>Editing to add: I think the main advice I am looking for is how does one approach this situation with the colleges he has been accepted to, and or any new colleges he would apply to given that the old ones may say that they dont want him anymore</p>
<p>There but for the grace of God go I. This sounds so much like my son, except he never got into drugs or alcohol, which is very common for kids with ADD. I suggest looking into a distance learning program to get a regular high school diploma. Many states have on line schools that work through the local school districts to provide their diplomas. To me, this seems like a better option than a GED.</p>
<p>A gap year is a great idea for this kid, sounds like he needs the time to mature and decompress before going on to college. People don’t understand how toxic the average high school environment is for kids like this. And the damage is not easily repaired. Best of luck to this family.</p>
<p>If he is already accepted to several colleges, what happens with those? Does his current school notify them that he had a disciplinary infraction and then those schools will withdraw his acceptances? Or is it possible to maintain one of those acceptances and defer for a year while he finishes his GED? (Or can he finish in summer school?)</p>
<p>I don’t know what college’s policies are on this kind of thing, but I noticed that they all asked about it on the applications. (I found it interesting that only some colleges asked about committing a crime, but all of them asked about disciplinary violations at school! Which also leads me to the question…did this become just a school violation or was he charged legally?)</p>
<p>It was a really minor offense, there is no school violation because he was allowed to withdraw, but of course the colleges will read between the lines.</p>
<p>The parents should have the child take responsibility for what to do. The parents are taking on too much of their offsprings’ work. They need to hold him responsible for his actions. He obviously doesn’t seem ready for college. Parents could give him a reasonable grace period 1 month or so after graduation to live at home rent free, and afterward expect him to have a job or pay rent if he chooses to live at home.</p>
<p>He may have to go off and live for a while with friends, but those friends will get tired of his freeloading, and he’ll more than likely straighten up, get whatever job he can, and then either continue in the job market (not every smart person is college material) or do what it takes to get into whatever college he can, which may mean living at home and going to community college.</p>
<p>Parents also should let S know what grades he’ll need to attain for them to help with his college.</p>
<p>Saying all of this as the mom of a S with ADD, high SAT, low gpa, who was similar, and flunked out of college, but after tough love has been supporting himself and living on his own for 4 years. He may go back to college after he matures more, but meanwhile, he’s doing OK.</p>
<p>I like the finish high school online. Unless he’s applying/applied to top schools, many schools aren’t going to care. The schools he’s already been accepted to are going to want to see a year-end report card, and they’ll send the online one.</p>
<p>They won’t know for sure that this was a serious issue, because kids do this for a variety of reasons…some change living from one parent to another and don’t want to start a new school, some change to online schooling because of bullying issues at their old school, etc. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t take a gap year. This child will have too much time on his hands unless there is something firmly in place - like a full-time job. However, if he is just saying that during his gap year he’s going to do A or B, I wouldn’t go along with that. ADD kids are usually procrastinators so whatever he plans on doing, will likely never get done, or only get done at the very end of the gap year.</p>
<p>sad when the bad judgment issue really plays out like this. I too was wondering about any legal issue. a cousin’s son was arrested in Florida for having beer and marijuana and a pipe in his car. doing a pretrial diversion program and he’s praying the colleges he applied to won’t find out, as his applications were already in. but he finishes the pretrial diversion program right around when admissions decisions are being made, and he may get stung, since it may not be expunged in time…</p>
<p>I’ve heard colleges do background checks for students in dorms, and they rescind admission if they hear about these kind of legal/violation issues. a lawyer friend said they do this as a way of preventing violence on campuses.</p>
<p>About the gap year, there is a really specific and incredibly positive gap year event planned, and has always been planned. I just didnt mention it here because of confidentiality issues. He will be doing a program that involves positive volunteer interactions in a different country.</p>
<p>Switters, we, unfortunately, know several students who have had to withdraw from private school in the spring of senior year. Lots of different arrangements can be made, some depend on the goodwill of the original school. Credits can be transferred to the local public school, and a diploma issued. The GED is easy for a bright student used to a rigorous private school curriculum. In any case, all colleges to which this young man has been accepted and might want to attend will require a final transcript, so the story will come out. I would definitely clear up any pot problem before he goes overseas…other countries might not be as understanding. Good luck to the family! I feel for the parents…</p>
<p>Colleges do not do many background checks. That is incorrect information. </p>
<p>I would go for home-schooling, independent study to get the degree as opposed to a GED.
If the boy wants to go ahead to college, he will have to send an explanation of the disciplinary charge. The withdrawal isn’t going to fool anyone. There was a thread a year or so ago about a girl in a private boarding school who was expelled right before graduation for a drug infraction. She had actually completed high school requirements, but the school did not give her a diploma at that point. She was still able to go on to college, but it took some legwork.</p>
<p>A male offspring at home can easily slide into lazy habits. There are too many things that are already present to support this – as in Mom does the grocery shopping and dinner magically appears every night around 7ish. Also, there tends to be internet and cable TV readily available at no cost to son. </p>
<p>Many males work much, much harder for others than for their parents. I’ve posted before about a teen we know who was placed with an older cousin in another state. Parent set the kid up with some basics and two months rent and said “go for it.” Reports are that the kid is much neater and more thoughtful than he was at home. </p>
<p>Please suggest to parent to avoid anger, shouting or sad eyed disappointment. What tends to be more effective is brisk, clear choices. As in “You need to come up with a plan by Wednesday evening.” Please note that the parent does NOT say “or else” threats. It is more effective to NOT verbalize threats. (This is why politicians tend to say “all options are on the table” which sound far more scary than “we’ll take away your CD collection.”)</p>
<p>Chances are that the student will wait until late Wednesday to articulate anything. But the world should stop (no phone calls, no tv, no nothing) and parents should sit down and BE QUIET. Do not rush in with “solutions” or “options.”</p>
<p>Stick with I statements (As in "I am afraid that if you stay here that you will sleep all day and cruise the internet all night) instead of “You” statements (“You should get a job”).</p>
<p>olymom–excellent suggestion on how to get a decision made for this young man</p>
<p>momofwildchild–an attorney friend informed me that many colleges now do universal background checks on entering college freshman, much like companies do with new hires. I guess he could be incorrect, but he seemed pretty certain about his information.</p>
<p>Switters, BRAVO to you for being a friend to your friend. I found when our son ran into trouble that some people that I thought were friends were in fact not. It can be isolating for your friend and her son.<br>
I would recommend a few things:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Put the son in counseling. My kids would call this an “Epic Fail Event”. It’s not of course, but it will seem like it to him and many of his friends. Having someone to counsel him through this may help.</p></li>
<li><p>Do on-line high school/homeschooling. Keystone, I think, will let you start classes at any time? Pick something like that. I wouldn’t subject him to more trauma by starting him in public school with 3 months left.</p></li>
<li><p>Tell the schools. Be honest. This is what we want our kids to be…honest. So, walk the walk and tell the schools. I don’t know if you have to tell them why unless they ask. But, tell them that he will not be finishing there and where and when he will be finishing. Then, let the chips fall and see where you are at that point.</p></li>
<li><p>Look at the current Gap year proposal that he already has lined up. Would it be better to push that by a year or 6 months? What if he stayed at home, doing the home schooling for this next school year. Then, left for the gap year the next. It puts him behind his current year by 2 years, but in the long run it might be even better. It gives him 2 years to mature which can be critical in an ADD kid (we are still waiting…past the 2 year mark…we see small steps sometimes)</p></li>
<li><p>Honestly, the college admittances shouldn’t be running the show here, I don’t think. He could apply again in two years after homeschooling and gap year and find better results.</p></li>
<li><p>It’s scary to suddenly find everything you thought you had arranged go down the tubes. But, taking the time to re-evaluate and re-think where you are is worth it. Don’t hold onto college acceptances just because everyone else is. Your friends son might need something different right now.</p></li>
<li><p>A job (even part time) may help him feel successful while he is home-schooling. My son has a part time job that he “likes”. He likes that he feels grown-up and successful.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I’ll keep trying to think of things. Give a hug to your friend from me. It is not the end of the world. Although, I know she is worried to death about making the wrong move and making a bad situation worse! We are still sorting out our son…small baby steps!</p>
<p>Muppetmom- thanks for your kind and very well organized words. As adults, we are all in a whirlwind about how to fix this, how much to help, how much to let him sink, how much money to spend, parents being strapped. I agree with 5 and I think everyone is starting to also, its just we are all in this “eyes on the prize” kind of mentality right now, many of this boys friends, my son amongst them are getting ready to go off to the wonderful new futures that they have been working towards. He is so so sad that he ruined this for himself. </p>
<p>If he had managed to stay out of trouble, the gap year thing was planned to help give him time to grow and appreciate hard work and do something he could be really proud of. It spoke to all of his skills (kindness, community building kind of kid)</p>
<p>He is actually only a credit or two short of everything he would need for a high school diploma. So the gap year probably doesnt need to be pushed. It is a very structured program with very genuine purpose. </p>
<p>You exactly hit it on the head, my friend is worried to death about making the wrong move and making a bad situation worse. Its hard to see, because she is definitely not the one who had the EPIC FAIL.</p>
<p>I had another thought while out running errands (epic fail…plan to make lasagna for a family, buy all ingredients…forget the ricotta…sigh). </p>
<p>In my experience, what a parent knows about their child and drug/alcohol/risque behavior is usually the tip of an ice cube (or iceberg). I am not saying that their son is sitting at home tweaking or whatever it’s called these days. But, I would say that what they know about the pot is probably not the whole story. Kids experiment…think…“I did not inhale”. We just won’t be able to probably learn the whole truth. This is also not to say that they shouldn’t believe their son either. Just take what he says with a grain of salt. </p>
<p>Look for the thread that was alluded(spelling?) to above from the poster whose daughter had the same problem. Maybe someone else can remember his name to help you or the thread name. I think he updated with some results. If he is still on, he might be able to advise. </p>
<p>I am worried about the drug use and being overseas. (Think tip of the iceberg) If they honestly think it’s a one time thing, then maybe proceed. But, it’s a worry.</p>
<p>I would also advise taking the “eyes off the prize”. Let him do a gap year. Then, have him figure out what his prize is. This is the road less traveled. It’s scary and not as well marked. But, it can work out well. I would also say don’t let him sink. At least not this time. He is young and this is his first “epic fail” and hopefully his last! He needs to know that his Mom and Dad still love him. That, this is not the end of the world. That, he can still go on, learn from this and find himself. Peer pressure still exists in the adult world when it comes to kids and colleges. So, the parents are finding it hard to admit that their kid is not doing what everyone else’s kid is. I am lousy at admitting it! I repeat the words, “Love the kid on the couch a lot”.</p>
<p>I don’t think parents should feel embarrassed for choices their grown (or very near grown) kids make. I think you can make a statement that is factual without being judgemental and that can let the student know you are not one to put frosting on a pig. </p>
<p>As in “Joe left school because of a drug charge. He is exploring his options and we hope to hear his plan on Wednesday. More tea?”</p>
<p>LOL Olymom, I certainly have had a moment like that! I know that as my own kids approached their teenage years I became a LOT less judgmental towards other suffering parents. Now they all just have my sympathy.</p>
<p>echoing fishymom…There but for the Grace of God go I. Am holding my breath that my S with similar attributes (ADD, low GPA, high ACT, well-liked general sweetheart, but can make stupid choices) makes it thru the next 87 days. </p>
<p>I can’t add much to good advice above, other than yes, make sure parents reaffirm their love for him…hugs to your friend, too.</p>