Narrative SAT essay. Need feedback/grade

<p>I'm kind of stubborn and opposed the common dogma that I should cite something from history, and not over-involve my personal life. Anyways, here are the prompt and essay, respectively:</p>

<p>Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.</p>

<p>If we valued honesty, we would be willing to risk our jobs to become whistleblowers and tell truths that our employers did not want revealed. If we valued success, we would give up our free time in order to excel in a subject or sport. In other words, the sacrifices we are willing to make reveal what we care about the most.
Assignment:
Can what we value be determined only by what we sacrifice? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
Whenever one devotes himself to a duty or activity, the sacrifices that come with it stick out like a sore thumb. Personal values always come at the expense of something else, whether it be money, prestige, or most commonly time to pursue these values. Time, unfortunately, can be the most valuable sacrifice of all.
My outlook in life has changed considerably in the past five years. At first, my primary goal was to live the typical blissful life - chilling out with friends, playing sports like basketball and volleyball and games on the Playstation, and not worrying too much about schoolwork. However, the idea of being a typical, or average person has gradually become less appealing up to now. I have become more ambitious. In order to improve my grades and prepare for a bright future, I decided that instead of spending my time as extravagantly on video games and with friends, I must put those indulgences aside.
But when I first started to work hard, the change in course was nauseating. Because of my ambition to maintain top grades in school, I planned to dedicate at least four hours of study time at home per day, rather than the mere 1 hour I originally spent on homework on average. The problem I encountered was the difficulty of battling with the incessant desire to go on the computer and chat on MSN, or go to one of my friends’ birthday parties. The outlook of a complacent blissful life had not yet been completely erased from my mind. I sometimes succumbed to my desires and did hang out with my friends, but felt guilty of it later on.
It took years to completely put my indulgences to an end. I was unable to do this immediately; instead, I gradually developed an aversion from these leisurely activities due to the guilt that pricked at my side and built up from every instance of fun. The fun, exhilarating days of parties, friends, sports and games vanished from conception. Instead they were all replaced with practices pertaining to school, my plans for university, and ultimately my future prosperity. Yet a small corner of my mind longed for the day that I can hang out with my friends again, play the online computer game Starcraft on Battle.net again, and once again, have time to take up any hobbies that I ever found interesting.
So now, I am living a life in complete devotion to schoolwork, with any other activities being few and far between. My life feels dull at the moment, doing the same grind over and over again, but I just try to keep in mind that it is for the greater good. There is no other way for me to fulfill my goals than to give things up.</p>

<p>Err…I’ll just repost my essay with double-spaced paragraphs, since there might be a problem with a couple of a paragraphs looking like they are a single paragraph.</p>

<p>Whenever one devotes himself to a duty or activity, the sacrifices that come with it stick out like a sore thumb. Personal values always come at the expense of something else, whether it be money, prestige, or most commonly time to pursue these values. Time, unfortunately, can be the most valuable sacrifice of all.</p>

<p>My outlook in life has changed considerably in the past five years. At first, my primary goal was to live the typical blissful life - chilling out with friends, playing sports like basketball and volleyball and games on the Playstation, and not worrying too much about schoolwork. However, the idea of being a typical, or average person has gradually become less appealing up to now. I have become more ambitious. In order to improve my grades and prepare for a bright future, I decided that instead of spending my time as extravagantly on video games and with friends, I must put those indulgences aside.</p>

<p>But when I first started to work hard, the change in course was nauseating. Because of my ambition to maintain top grades in school, I planned to dedicate at least four hours of study time at home per day, rather than the mere 1 hour I originally spent on homework on average. The problem I encountered was the difficulty of battling with the incessant desire to go on the computer and chat on MSN, or go to one of my friends’ birthday parties. The outlook of a complacent blissful life had not yet been completely erased from my mind. I sometimes succumbed to my desires and did hang out with my friends, but felt guilty of it later on.</p>

<p>It took years to completely put my indulgences to an end. I was unable to do this immediately; instead, I gradually developed an aversion from these leisurely activities due to the guilt that pricked at my side and built up from every instance of fun. The fun, exhilarating days of parties, friends, sports and games vanished from conception. Instead they were all replaced with practices pertaining to school, my plans for university, and ultimately my future prosperity. Yet a small corner of my mind longed for the day that I can hang out with my friends again, play the online computer game Starcraft on Battle.net again, and once again, have time to take up any hobbies that I ever found interesting.</p>

<p>So now, I am living a life in complete devotion to schoolwork, with any other activities being few and far between. My life feels dull at the moment, doing the same grind over and over again, but I just try to keep in mind that it is for the greater good. There is no other way for me to fulfill my goals than to give things up.</p>

<p>I would change a few phrases you use, “chilling out with friends”, “chat on MSN”</p>

<p>Anyways. I did a quick skim over it (The SAT essay readers will give your essay about a minute or two)
I thought it was good but the example you used was very broad and I typically like to see more than one… I would give you a 3 or a 4. A three based on content and all that but a four because it was well written</p>

<p>^ A bit harsh I think. A 5 or 6 because it was well written (though perhaps a tad too informal), but I think the examples are weak. Maybe a 9 overall</p>

<p>Yeah overall I would give it an ~8
But I have no experience grading SAT essays so don’t be discouraged by me haha</p>

<p>Hmm…
My sister, who finished 8 years of university, has been doing English correction as a part-time job. The thing is, she really liked my essay and said that she would give me a 6/6.
“The format is fine, given the content,” she said.
Are SAT essays different from regular essays? I don’t think that more than one example is needed to merit a good score. In fact, collegeboard.com has lots of high-scoring narrative sample essays that do not include historical references; I’ve seen many essays that only reflect the author’s personal life.</p>

<p>But anyways, thanks for the advice. I’ll try to develop my content on future essays.</p>

<p>I think your narrative is bad. Not in the fact that it wasn’t well-written (it was), or in the fact that you didn’t support your thesis (you did), but because this essay makes me not like you. I’d pity you, but you seem to have a somewhat defeatist attitude. Why can’t you do stuff you enjoy for an hour, a weekend, a summer, etc.? Why does every minute of your life need to be devoted to school? Can’t you strike a better balance of work and play? Either you have an absolute (only one way or the other) attitude in life or you are embellishing.</p>

<p>It has potential, but at the end you need to strengthen the connection between your story and your thesis.</p>

<p>Watch your comma splices and run-on sentences. They become rather distracting when I’m reading your essay.</p>

<p>The reason why the 12 essays from Collegeboard get a 12 with only one example is because they go very deep into their one example. Your example is long, yes, but the analysis at the end is somewhat weak and doesn’t specificially address the prompt.</p>

<p>Heh, you have a point GammaGrozza. I was exaggerating myself at the end of the essay, using a few ideas and experiences from some people I know.</p>

<p>KRNpro, could you point out some of the comma splices and run-on sentences for me?</p>

<p>Yeah, I figured that my reasoning for the example wasn’t as great as the ones on Collegeboard. I’ll improve on that. But I think that the last sentence, “there is no other way to fulfill my goals than to give things up,” sums up my stance on the prompt…unless you’re saying that I should mention exactly <em>what</em> sacrifices can be seen from my values.</p>

<p>Personal examples are wonderful. Don’t be dissuaded by high school teachers who ban personal narratives. The SAT essay and your regular English essays are two worlds apart; the SAT essay is more relaxed and flexible and this one special aspect allows the writer more wiggle room to develop his ideas in a truly comprehensible and comfortable format. A personal example is certainly unique and can give an essay a sense of authenticity that an example from history or literature cannot. Also, a personal example has credibility and knowledge. We do not know, for example, that Napoleon had courage in his final march against the Russians. We do not know for a fact that Einstein was a hard worker above his natural intellect. These are speculations that are both broad and vague and a good, solid, HONEST, and even touching (because yes, the SAT essay is graded on a first-impression sort of basis) personal example can trump them all. Personal examples to the max =)</p>

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<p>Yes – one sentence is not enough. And the prompt is not just asking whether sacrifices are necessary, but whether they demonstrate what we value, so you need to give more details about how your sacrifices show your values. It’s implicit in your example, but you need to draw it out.</p>