National Merit Finalist DAUGTHER- GAP YEAR??? HELP!

Parent Cafe
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<p>swimcatmom</p>

<p>I just called Oklahoma back again… because that’s pretty persuasive information you posted… and makes sense…</p>

<p>They once again verified that as long as the deferment has been “approved” ahead of time… this scholarship can be put on hold for a year… but gosh, still makes me nervous… I think I’ll even call back another day and speak with a third person…</p>

<p>That’s my exact fear is something will come up and bite us in the rear… I’m worried we’ll mess it up someway by doing this “gap year” thing… nerve racking…</p>

<p>Thanks for the info…</p>

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<p>“I figured it would be best to be completely honest to allow for more accurate help from people who may have been thru this situation…”</p>

<p>Good for you, even if he does read this, it will let him know how concerned you are about things and “might” open up a discussion anew or make that light blub go off in his head. no? </p>

<p>“I understand there are lots of roads to get there… (he’s used those words himself)… My question: Why place unnecessary roadblocks where most kids in his situation would jump at the chance to be in his shoes… “Letting it be”… is a lot easier said then done when dealing with your blessed children that you have raised with great care and attention for the last 18 years.”</p>

<p>Yes, it’s hard, but it’s also parenting. That’s why I say lay it out on paper… line up the costs on one page side by side, What will he be giving up $$$ wise by holding off? Make it clear those are HIS dollars to replace.. You are acting as a trusted advisor at a certain point, not the decision maker. </p>

<p>As I told mine at a certain point, “if you want to wear the big boy (girl) pants, be ready to reach into your big boy (girl) wallet..” In other words, you make the decision, you except the consquences… good or bad that comes with it. </p>

<p>And yes, I would die for my children.. but I also know that they need to learn to make decisions and have some responsibility for the outcome of their choices. I want independent young adults who can make good financial decisions understanding mom and dad can’t bail out a poor choice… That doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids. It means someday I’m going to die and I don’t want the day after to be the first day my kids make a big decision for themselves. </p>

<p>And yes, it’s hard. But if you think about it, a young person can recover from a mistake often easier than an older person.</p>

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<p>Perhaps rather than calling get it in writing? I can’t claim to know anything about OUs policy and just remembered having seen the rule on the paperwork for my daughters OSRHE scholarship offer. It may be different under the National Merit scholarship but I too would hate for your son to lose it. Like I said - get it in writing.</p>

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<p>opie…</p>

<p>We are more alike than not…everything you have stated above has already been done…</p>

<p>The situation has been discussed to death…Pros/cons are well documented… it’s definitely time for him to make the final decision… but still hard to let go.</p>

<p>We are here for guidance not to decide for him… That doesn’t mean we haven’t given our advice as to which we feel is the wisest choice… but… he may very well pick the longer and perhaps the more difficult journey… which will be fine too…</p>

<p>We told him last night… we love him just the same… either way… </p>

<p>I just remember my father’s face, when I told him I was leaving nursing to become a theater major… Guess what…He was old school… He was pretty forceful in his “power”… he held the money purses… and so I didn’t switch. majors…</p>

<p>Luckily I’m a happily employed nurse practitioner rather than an out of work actress/waitress… perhaps I would have gone back to school either way… maybe, maybe not… Maybe my road would have led me elsewhere too… I guess I could be walking the red carpet in Hollywood…???</p>

<p>He new best… I guess my gut instinct is so do we…esp. if DS is doing it for the wrong reasons… “fear based decisions”…</p>

<p>The consequences are inevitable I guess… the question is… can we really not bail him out in the end…??? That will be the hardest part… Then again… maybe it will be wonderful for him… who knows… that’s the gamble…</p>

<p>Hard to believe I have to go thru this 3 more times with the next in line.</p>

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<p>Take a deep breath. They all go off the deep end at some point in adolesence; you are lucky that it’s taken until Sr. year to manifest itself.</p>

<p>First, talk at this stage of the game is just… talk. He hasn’t heard back from a bunch of his schools; he hasn’t started to hear where his friends are going; it’s all just talk and anxiety and burn-out at this point. So, it’s fine to bounce ideas around the kitchen table about next year or the year after or what he wants to be when he grows up but relax… it’s just talk for now.</p>

<p>Second, put him in charge of verifying information about scholarship eligibility. He wants to get out from under the affluent parenting umbrella-- well then fine, get on the phone. He should speak to an admissions rep from each school he’s been admitted to, get the name of the right person in financial aid, and then ask for a letter, in writing, which states the school’s policy on deferred scholarships. Obviously you can’t ask schools to which he hasn’t been admitted yet, but that can happen in another month.</p>

<p>Third, I would caution you about pushing a kid interested in an engineering discipline into starting college before he or she is ready. Year 1 of any accredited engineering program is a bit of a grind (she says, tongue in cheek). Regardless of which school he picks, he’ll be surrounded by the “early to bed early to rise” kids and the “Chance favors the prepared mind” kids, and just the plain vanilla brilliant overachievers. If he’s not starting college with an excited attitude, he may become the statistic that everyone likes to quote about the high transfer rate for engineers. (or drop out, or weed out, or whatever.)</p>

<p>Fourth, try to accept the fact that whether he’s driving a truck next year or taking differential calculus, you’ll have zero-- that’s zero-- control over the outcome. He may be one of those kids who needs to prove himself in a non-intellectual arena before he’s prepared to knuckle down and be a gear-head, and he may be a star employee who works hard, delivers against deadlines, gains the respect of his boss and peers, and otherwise takes a menial job and turns it into a personal triumph. OR, he may get drunk every night and show up late for work… you just don’t know.</p>

<p>Similarly, you need to gradually accept the fact that even if he were chomping at the bit to get to college, he might end up getting drunk every night and showing up late for class. My point is that although every parent tries to stack the deck in favor of their kid being a star and being successful and fulfilling their potential and saving mankind… at the end of the day, it’s all going to be on his shoulders as to how successful he becomes and how hard he works and whether his boss or professors think he’s a joy to work with or a pain the neck.</p>

<p>So- I’d chill for another month, let him talk, let him vent his frustration with having been sitting at a school desk for the last 13 years craving a change of scenery… and re-evaluate once the other acceptances are in, and once you know how much of his money will wait for him.</p>

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<p>Another option might be attending college abroad, in Europe, Asia, South America, Australia, New Zealand, Africa, etc., for his first semester or year if permitted under the terms of his NMF scholarship. My son was offered a full tuition scholarship that expressly included study abroad–even in Cuba–as often as he wanted so long as he studied for a certain number of semesters, four-- I think, on the main campus. This option may be considered as a “gap” year by your son as it is an extraordinary adventure which may alleviate the traditional academic pressures of the main campus environment.</p>

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<p>“but still hard to let go.”</p>

<p>dearheart.. ya never let go, you just stand back a bit farther… :)</p>

<p>" can we really not bail him out in the end…??? "</p>

<p>That’s a question we can only answer when the time comes.. but in the meantime… He should know he has support, but not necessarily a perfect safety net. He has to consider an outcome where he is responsible. </p>

<p>Too often these days I run into 30 something children.. believe me, you don’t want this for your kids. </p>

<p>“who knows… that’s the gamble” </p>

<p>Yup.</p>

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<p>Oh Motherandchild, maybe more than anything he needs spring break!</p>

<p>Faced with this situation, I would set him a deadline, a set of goals to make this happen, and a division of labor. I would say this, “OK son, in order for me/us to be supportive and approve of the gap year, you have to do these things, so that we know you are doing it for good reasons, that you will be safe during the year and that you will be able to go on to college next year with your scholarships intact.” “First, WE will check on insurance coverage for you, that is a dealbreaker, you have to have insurance from some affordable source.” “While we do that, you need to put your schools in order of preference and start by calling, then writing, your first choice to get confirmed in writing that your scholarship will be still available - this needs to be done by X time.” “We also exp[ect you to have a clearer idea of what you are going to do in the year.”</p>

<p>This should take at least a month, he should have most of his acceptances or be close to April 1 by then, and he will either have a plan or be less stressed or possibly both. I think a gap year can be a great idea, but what you want is for him to recharge, retool and perhaps mature, the maturing part of the process begins by taking responsibility for as much of the arrangements for the next year as is reasonable - I think the insurance piece is too important, and a little beyond the student, but he should be able to get written confirmation of his scholarship himself.</p>

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<p>My son and his friends mostly chilled out the summer after senior year. By the time it was over they were all more than ready to get back to work!</p>

<p>That said I’m a big fan of gap years. Learning to be a fireman, driving a pick-up and living in the country don’t sound that bad to me. I’ve seen so many boys who needed to sow a few wild oats before starting college, I’d definitely consider giving the okay to his plan - with the emphasis that nothing needs to be decided now.</p>

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<p>Anothe thing to think about - If S’s wages are saved for college, kids assets weigh more heavily for FAFSA and could adversely affect the FA package after a gap year. OTOH, you could stress that he would then have to spend it all on school and make up the difference. I am just hoping that as the other kids keep alking about going away to college that he will change his mind. Being left behind all alone isn’t the same as being in HS with friends nearby.</p>

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<p>Assuming that your son can hang onto those scholarships, I think his plan is a great one – maybe buying an old truck, working at paper mill & being a fireman seems crazy to you, but to me it sounds like a good way for your son to explore a different lifestyle – and I think he can learn as much, or maybe more, from taking the blue collar job in a neighboring town as he can by spending money for some program abroad. The first thing he will learn, of course, is that working in a paper mill isn’t much fun. But if he sticks it out, then he will go off to college a year later a much more mature and grounded individual, far more appreciative of the value of the college degree. And if he is unable to stick it out – then he will also have learned something important about himself.</p>

<p>It’s not like he is proposing to do anything illegal or irresponsible. </p>

<p>I’d note that my son had a college-sponsored NM scholarship (just $2000/year at a more expensive college) that he gave up. He took a gap year in the middle of college and he did arrange with both the college and NM to keep the scholarship if he returned after the gap… but he didn’t return. He ended up staying out of school for 3 years, then transferred to a different (cheaper) college to finish his degree. It was the best decision he could have made. </p>

<p>A kid who goes off to college without a strong sense of himself or what he wants to do can end up wasting a good chunk of the opportunity before him, simply because he is not ready to take advantage of what is offered. I give my son credit (in hindsight) for recognizing when that was happening for him… and I would give your son credit for taking stock of himself at this time and creating room in his own life to explore and grow before taking the next step to college. </p>

<p>He doesn’t sound depressed to me; he sounds normal – he simply is on the verge of manhood and he is uncertain of which way he wants to go.</p>

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<p>I took a break part way through undergrad to get more focus before I took on any more debt. It worked out very well and I eventually got a PhD.</p>

<p>A friend’s D didn’t take a gap year. Though she’d expressed doubts about starting college, her parents encouraged her to go ahead. Things went badly and she ended up so anxious or depressed she took a medical leave before the end of first semester, an unplanned, unhappy gap.</p>

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<p>I just want to take a moment and THANK EVERYONE for their personal information and guidance… It has been really helpful… and I have to say I have a definite more open perspective on the matter… I am not nearly as worried…</p>

<p>I certainly think it will help me act more casual and less “freaky” during conversations around the dinner table… We have been discussing this for a few months and had hoped much of it would blow over… but just hasn’t…</p>

<p>I have to say this is all new to us and we are having to deal with these issues much sooner than normal as our DS was born early on in my hubby and our lives and we have many years before we even hit 40… Given that, we don’t have much perspective or life experience with the college navigation process for our children… We are worried because we don’t want to screw anything up…</p>

<p>I again thank everyone for taking the TIME and EFFORT to share your experiences… it’s all been well received and really feel like I’ve had a personal therapy session… :)</p>

<p>Best wishes and take care… I’ll keep you posted…</p>

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<p>In a way I think everyone should have to take a gap year. After 13 years of school a break would probably do them good.Wish there was some sort of thing they could do that would not affect their college apps/scholarships/medical insurance etc. My freshman daughter is very driven and determined (or pigheaded depending on my mood) - she commented the other day that she feels like she is going to be in school forever. And being premed she has to fit in a lot of things as well as her academics to have a chance of being accepted to med school. She wants to travel, do volunteer work (she is planning to spend her summer on a service project) but it is hard to fit that in with her long term plans. A GAP year is very common in other countries.</p>

<p>Do keep us posted.</p>

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<p>One way would be if everyone was required to do a year of community service post hs.</p>