Need a feedback for my COMMONAPP ESSAY!

<p>“We can’t choose where we come from but we can choose where we go from here” told me my father. My whole life is about these words…</p>

<p>I have been a big dreamer since my mother decided to give birth to me-single son after five of my sisters. Being a single son in my culture means something very different. I was born in very poor family in Ayagoz-small city in East Kazakhstan. When I was eight, my father sold our house to pay for my sister’s education and we moved to village of shepherds ,which had population of two hundred people. Here, in a very secluded place, every night I slept with single dream that somehow I could become the “greatest” person on Earth. However, the next morning I was to see my mother with her torn socks, small piece of bread we could afford for breakfast and I had to wear my relative’s old clothes, for which I’d be mocked by my classmates again. Everything here was so far from my dreams…</p>

<p>When I was eleven, I was accepted by one of the best schools in Kazakhstan in another city and was so happy but not everything was good… The women from accounting office scolded me often because my parents couldn’t pay for meal and prohibited me to eat with my classmates. The attitude of mates to me was the worst in that boarding school. Three years I felt that attitude and pain from it every single day. However, I started to spend nights reading books in toilet. I did and was ready to do everything which could benefit to the realization of my dream.</p>

<p>In 2011, President of Kazakhstan found his prestigious school. There were only six scholarships available and something inside of me pushed me to apply on last day. I truly felt that I am on my right way when I scored the highest score on entrance test. However, the happiness was balanced with agony. I was an object of mocking here. My mates with Iphones and expensive cars called me smelly and wild because I was a student with only two shirts and one trouser, and who had to walk one hour each day because of not having twenty cents to pay for bus. After I arrived at home, my alcoholic father sometimes used to beat us-his children and wife and the nights were nightmares. He even cut his veins once, but I could save him with the mouse’s wire. Here I saw my bleeding and crying father and his eyes full of weariness from life.</p>

<p>Sometimes, I cried in toilet and thought about “lucky” ones, who didn’t have my life. However, every time my dream made me to keep moving. Not being able to afford Internet, I found library which let to use Internet for half-hour. I had to use that half-hour effectively and started looking for ways how to apply to best colleges and watched many motivational videos on Youtube, including the speeches in “Pursuit of Happyness” and Steve Jobs', which I thought were exactly about me. That half-hour was my preparation for SAT and only possible connection with the world.</p>

<p>The poverty was my God. Poverty pushed me win seven International-Subject-Olympiads; poverty made me to become one of six students, who scored perfect score on National-Examination and brought me golden medal for academic excellence from the President. Poverty has always been with me...</p>

<p>Although I suffered from poverty, I am rich. I am rich with my dream and experience. My story is about fighting for your dream, swimming against the flow of destiny. I really want to believe that my father was right and I, who came from village, can choose where to go. I want to believe W.Smith and S.Jobs were right. I want to believe that the dream living in me will not die and that it deserves happy end.</p>

<p>I love the essay :slight_smile: content-wise it is very good. I think it’d be good if you could find someone to fix your grammatical errors and help you improve the language a little bit.
Also I think you should flag this and get this post off CC. People may steal your idea. </p>

<p>@econsftw Thank you for your response. I have already submitted my essay :slight_smile: Are there many grammatical errors? :open_mouth: </p>

<p>There are a few minor ones here and there, but don’t worry too much! I’m sure they will understand that you’re not from an English-speaking background, and from your essay you seem like a brilliant applicant. If you’re applying to more schools maybe you can fix them then? But don’t worry, it’s not a big problem. :slight_smile: @Eljui7‌ </p>

<p>The issue with taking it off line is not different just because you’ve submitted it. You don’t want someone else to submit your work also. I know much of the content here is backed up by your list of awards, but some portions could be copied. Admission officers will most likely toss both files if they find duplicated passages. Especially as an international applicant with all the cheating scandal in the news, you are better off not giving the chance that someone might plagiarize you. I don’t think they would be likely to give you a chance to prove your authorship.</p>

<p>I agree, great narrative story, despite obvious problems with fluency of written English (For example, lacking pronouns, odd verb tenses) it is well written otherwise. Good luck with your applications!</p>

<p>@VSGPeanut101‌ Thank you very much for your response :slight_smile: </p>

<p>Need more feedback!</p>

<p>bump</p>

<p>This really is one of the most compelling essays I’ve ever read, it’s really something to be proud of.</p>

<p>And to be honest, the way the essay is so ingrained with himself and his accomplishments I don’t see anyone trying to steal it. I mean I suppose they could but they’d have to swap out the locations and accomplishments as well as the financial background, and those three things are the essence of the essay.</p>

<p>@leglariat‌ Thank you very much for your opinion</p>