Need advice about daughter and her teacher

Parents Forum
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<p>I am so angry right now and am waiting for calls to be returned from my daughter's school. But I want to get a perspective on this. I am a regular poster at CC, but I've used another name for this post, for privacy.</p>

<p>My daughter has severe problems with depression and anxiety. She also probably has ADD and maybe other learning disabilities, and in fact, just went through a neuropysch evaluation. We'll get the results in a few weeks. She also hit a real pit of depression the last few weeks, and was also physically ill this week. Hard to tell how much of that was exacerbated by the depression. Anyway, at the neuropsych evaluation on Tuesday she was making threats to hurt herself. We took her to the crisis center. She wasn't admitted, but she is definitely in a fragile state. She is an absolute mess, honestly. The neuropsych eval is part of our efforts to find better options that work (meds, counseling, etc) but right now, she is concerned about making up her schoolwork. </p>

<p>I talked to the guidance counselor about how she can make up her work. Missing three days of high school is tough, even without academic problems. The guidance counselor said she would talk to each teacher and let them know that there are serious problems going on, to be flexible and give her some time to make things up, etc. </p>

<p>So today was the first day this week she went to school. She was still sick but knew she had missed a lot of work. And she walks into math, her worst class, and there's a test. Which her teacher apparently expected her to take, even though she was out all week, even after the guidance counselor talked with her. My daughter said she had missed the review and hadn't been in all week ... and the teacher went off on her. Saying she doesn't try, doesn't care, doesn't pay attention, get your act together ...</p>

<p>Yeah, that's what my daughter needs... She's on the edge of totally giving up, she is on the edge of losing it entirely ... and this piece of scum math teacher thinks she just has to "get her act together". Yeah, thanks for the advice, why didn't we think of that? </p>

<p>I left messages for the guidance counselor and assistant principal. It's been a few hours and they haven't called me back, which is surprising. I left pretty fierce messages, so maybe they are trying to get something resolved before they call me. I don't know. But I told them that what the teacher said was unacceptable in this circumstance and that I wanted my daughter out of that class and away from that teacher.</p>

<p>I've never said anything like that before. I'm usually of the attitude "You got a bad teacher? Learn to deal with it, you'll have more bad teachers in your future." And if it was just a kid whining and not trying, I'd agree with the teacher. But this teacher seems like the type with no capacity to understand that some kids try and still can't. do. it. at. all. My daughter has told me when she stays after school to get extra math help, the teacher explains it quickly in ten minutes and then snaps at her if she doesn't understand. </p>

<p>What can we do if they have no other class to switch her to halfway through the school year? I am just stunned at the unprofessionalism and total lack of understanding of the situation from this teacher.</p>

<p>Any advice is appreciated. I'm trying to get some perspective here because I just can't believe how ANGRY I am right now.</p>

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<p>Hugs to you. Our district has a policy of having the number of days to make up work equvalent to the number of days you missed (e.g. you missed three days, you get three days after you return to make up work.) However, there are definitely teachers who disregard the policy and give 0 days. I have never gone to the mat on it, but I wish you well.</p>

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<p>First of all hugs to you and your DD. Having a child that is ill is very scary. Your first concern is obviously to her health. You don’t say what year she is. By-passing the immediate bleepity-bleep teacher for a moment, while your daughter is being stabilized and getting set on a treatment plan, be that counseling, meds, whatever, can you look into the possibility of requesting homebound teaching? The public school system is required to send teachers to your home to teach your student while they are unable to come to school due to prolonged illness. It’s been a long time, and regulations are different depending on where you are, however I had this during hs due to surgery, and a cousin was eligible due to mental health reasons about 10 years ago. If you or another family member, are in a position to be home to support her while she is stabilizing her health, this may be something to look into. Sending her back to school to navigate teachers who may or may not understand, which she may be adjusting to new medication, etc., may not be the best if she is really in a fragile state. I am NOT questioning you sending her to school at all, please don’t think that. I’m just suggesting there may be another option.</p>

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<p>Beach2013, I am so sorry.</p>

<p>My daughter had a big problem with a teacher this year, although it was not the same kind of problem your daughter has with the math teacher. My daughter’s school has a policy that every teacher has to offer tutoring hours and the student can go to any teacher in the department. I suggested that she go to the assistant principal for the department, who had been the assistant principal for parent and student engagement the year before. He helped her a lot, and the teacher definitely took note.</p>

<p>Even though your daughter’s situation is truly anger-provoking, I think I would try to approach the situation as calmly as possible (just rewrite and rewrite and rewrite that email) and move up the hierarchy at the school, if necessary. </p>

<p>Best of luck to your daughter!</p>

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<p>Okay, I got a call back from the school psychologist and guidance counselor. Leaving fierce voice mails apparently works. They are going to switch her to another math teacher as of next week. They say he is young, patient and willing to help. They are also going to help her manage her work that she has to make up, spreading her tests out next week during her study hall or gym periods. Because apparently the teachers all wanted her to take her tests on Tuesday - 5 tests on Tuesday, not a good idea. </p>

<p>I’m glad they are being responsive. I know a lot of schools aren’t. And they are going to talk to her now ex-math teacher as well. I told them I’m not going after the teacher, I just want to help my daughter. But I can’t believe this is the first kid she’s encountered in decades of teaching that has had psychological or math issues. I’m sure it won’t matter - I’m sure in her mind my daughter will be the overprotected whiny kid and I’ll be the nasty helicopter parent. And I don’t care what she thinks any more. I just feel sorry for the next kid who gets her and has any kind of issue.</p>

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<p>Sounds like you were able to get the problem with the math teacher resolved very quickly. Fortunately there is another math teacher teaching that class. School administrators are sometimes in meetings when you first call and aren’t available to take your call right away. They are used to hearing parents yell and scream. A good administrator will sit back and allow you to vent your frustrations. It’s a very tough job.</p>

<p>Hugs to you and your D during this scary time. Anxiety and depression is surprisingly common in teens and young adults. It’s actually fortunate that this happened while she’s in high school so you can get help for her while she’s still living at home. I’m sure with the help of therapy and possibly medication, she will be on the road to recovery very soon. My heart goes out to you. I know you want to do everything in your power to help her feel happy and normal again.</p>

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<p>Beach2013,</p>

<p>I am glad that it appears to be working out for you. I wanted to respond earlier but didn’t know what to say. </p>

<p>My D, now a college sophomore, missed 25-30 days of school each year for grades 9, 10, and 11 due to health issues. She always had tons of work to make up. She never had a teacher like the math teacher you described. Her teachers were always more than willing to give her the time she needed, usually much more than the school policies required. </p>

<p>The person I was usually upset with was the assistant principal in charge of discipline. He was always sending letter to the truancy officer and revoking my D’s open campus lunches because of the number of absences from school. It didn’t matter to him that all of her absences were excused by me and almost always with a doctor’s note as well. I got tired to asking the truancy officer to look at her file of doctor’s notes before threatening us with legal actions.</p>

<p>I was glad that her health was better for her senior year and that now she is out of the high school situation entirely.</p>

<p>Good luck to you and your daughter. It is hard to have a child with serious issues. Let us know how it all turns out.</p>

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<p>I am going to stick up for the teacher a bit here. You don’t know what the guidance counselor said to the math teacher. Maybe to protect your D’s privacy she didn’t disclose her illness. Your D is going to need a lot of help in getting well. I think teachers can only be expected to be so accommodating when they are interacting with your D (not saying what the math did was acceptable). You may need to make a decision on how to best help your D get better and avoid difficult situation like you have mentioned in the future.</p>

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<p>I’m so sorry for the issues your daughter is having and am praying she gets the help that she needs. One detail that I was curious about: when you initially talked to the guidance counselor and was told the GC would discuss your daughter’s situation with each teacher, did the GC get back with you and confirm that those conversations had taken place? I find it difficult to believe that an experienced teacher would behave in that manner if he/she had been informed that the student is suffering severe mental anguish and has threatened to harm herself.</p>

<p>Oops, posted at same time as above poster. Wasn’t even thinking about privacy issues. May have been a situation where the parent should talk with each teacher.</p>

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<p>Beach – So glad you were able to get this resolved. Hopefully the school will now take the matter seriously and the new teacher will be flexible. Be sure and get a letter from her doctor explaining what she can and cannot handle at this time. His/Her word should be golden and trumps the school’s “mission” and policy.</p>

<p>I’ve been through this several times as DD developed pleurisy (!) from a moldy classroom and missed several weeks of school, another time she was out with a concussion and DS has had asthma related absences as well. I too received a nasty “We’re sending out a truant officer to your home” letter. Really? My kids are A students and they are sick. </p>

<p>Also, I highly recommend ccing the Assistant Principal and the Superintendent on every email to the teacher and GC. </p>

<p>Hugs to you and your daughter.</p>

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<p>The gc assured me she was going to reach out to each teacher, and she was going to have them email my daughter as a way of assuring her that making up the work was a doable thing. And my daughter did receive a perfectly civil email from her math teacher, so I know she had spoken to the gc. And the gc said that with my permission, she would say whatever was necessary to let them know this was a serious situation, not just a whiny kid who wanted special favors. So it’s not privacy. It’s a nasty, nasty teacher who is convinced that my daughter is a lazy kid who doesn’t care.</p>

<p>If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t have bothered going to school on a day when she was still sick, would she? </p>

<p>I don’t want constant huge accomodations for my daughter. I just want her to have some flexibility making up the work she needs to make up right now. Normally, I encourage her to fight her own fights and solve her own problems. I will in the future, too. But now is not a good time. I’m hoping we have a better plan after the neuropysch eval results come in. Until then, we’re doing the best we can.</p>

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<p>To the person who PM’ed me - thank you for your encouraging story! I can’t respond with a PM because I have less than 15 posts under this name. :)</p>

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<p>I would second blueiguana’s (#3) recommendation about the home teaching until she has sufficiently recovered. It may be easier and less stressful rather than have her sporadically attend actual classes.</p>

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<p>I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Both of our kids had TONS of absences throughout HS, including about 1/2 the year for each of them in their last years at the HS. Both have done really well in college, even though they both continue to have varying degrees of health problems.</p>

<p>D had a lot of teachers like the original math teacher you describe. Both S & D would often have to take LOTS of tests the day they got back to school, no matter how long they had been out. D finally left HS after JR year, took the GED and got 100% on it & started CC instead. She found CC much better for her because it allowed her much more control over her schedule. Neither kid was interested in homeschooling, even tho that is something that other kids with chronic health conditions have had varying success with.</p>

<p>Glad you have had a more supportive and helpful administration than we did. More good news is that both of my kids have done well in the competitive college of their dreams. S has graduated and is now working full-time at a great job in his field and D is in her last term in college in her dream field. Neither kid has depression, but both kids had rough times from their chronic health issues that still remain unresolved.</p>

<p>College does allow kids a LOT more control over their schedules, which can be a great thing for them. Both did register with the college disabilities office, which has also tried to be helpful.</p>

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<p>Thank you for all your replies. I know we are very lucky to have such a responsive guidance office. In fact, I sent both guidance counselors involved yesterday really nice notes to thank them and to make sure they knew that my anger was totally directed toward the math teacher and no one else. And I also told my daughter that a lot of adults were going to bat for her and she had to do her part by getting her work done this weekend and coming week. Because if she doesn’t, she’ll find that no one will be giving her the benefit of the doubt in the future. </p>

<p>It’s hard to walk the line between helping your kid but not “over-helping” them, you know? Especially when they are having emotional problems.</p>

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<p>Beach, I just wanted to say that I think your daughter is extremely lucky to have you as her parent. I don’t think you “over-helped” at all. On the contrary, you gave her the support she needs at a time when she is the least able to advocate for herself. Hugs to your daughter as well. I think it is difficult for people to emphatize with an illness that is largely unseen. Maybe that math teacher needs an education on the real problems caused by depression and anxiety.</p>