<p>I’d never allow a freshman a long commute. I don’t see why he can’t have a room on campus and if he occasionally wanted to spend a night at home mid-week that could be an option. I think it’s too easy not to get involved in campus activities if you are always thinking about going home. Maybe if he lives off campus another year he could live in apartment at some half way distance?</p>
<p>I think his insistence that he be allowed to commute shows a bit of immaturity. If the relationship is serious and likely to last, it will survive his living on campus and coming home only on weekends. I assume that you are footing the bill for the car and all college expenses, as his working doesn’t seem to be part of the equation.</p>
<p>I think I’d stick to my guns. I agree that this should be his decision- which school to attend. But I don’t agree that you and your wife should have to work overtime so that he and his girlfriend can have more time together.</p>
<p>Maybe my opinion is influenced by my own situation, where my son and his girlfriend went to colleges 3000 miles away from one another and still are going strong after graduation. They are currently living together and working , planning to marry. They both attended small LACs and saw each other nearly every month (flew back and forth on their own dimes) or so during their four years of college, but neither gave up their college experience for the other. </p>
<p>Maybe your son’s relationship will last- I would not presume to think they necessarily will break up just because most relationships at this point in their lives don’t make it. But already he is ready to sacrifice too much and not looking at the long-term picture.</p>
<p>I think you know that the options you’ve offered are more than reasonable. He shouldn’t blame you if he chooses Santa Clara and then they break up. After all, the choice was his. I hope he would realize that if they can’t make a relationship work when they are only living an hour apart and seeing each other on weekends, it didn’t have much chance on lasting in any case.</p>
<p>And if he chooses the JC, I understand how you’ll feel. But I do think this is the choice he has, and if he takes this option, he’ll be ok. It would be unfortunate, because we know he’ll be missing out on something pretty special.</p>
<p>I think it’s clear that the student is better off living on campus and not commuting and don’t see any arguments stated otherwise. The question is whether or not the OP should force the issue and refuse to pay for SCU if the S refuses to live on campus with the consequence of going to the local JC rather than the 4 year college that he prefers which will have far more of an impact on the college experience than if he commutes to SCU (a more negative impact IMO).</p>
<p>Another variable - what major does he plan to have? Some majors, like computer science, other engineering majors, some science majors, some theater, may require a lot of additional time on campus in labs, etc. I know my D (CS major) sometimes was in the computer lab until very late hours (11pm or later) and even all night a few times and also including some weekends. Your S needs to understand this implication if it applies to him - this isn’t HS anymore.</p>
<p>Another thought…DD’s study groups at SCU very often met in the evenings.</p>
<p>Study groups are also a HUGE part of college life and may have hours that are not compatible with commuting, especially since so many live so close to campus. My S, who NEVER had study groups in HS or earlier was often the host of study groups for him & his room mate. He bought a LOT of chairs & some desks/tables to accommodate them. It was good for him both socially & academically.</p>
<p>I think the options you are offering your S are reasonable–commute to JC & transfer or go to SCU–living there for at least freshman year & then see after that. </p>
<p>(I thought it was a lovely campus & heard that nearly all the students live there all 4 years. The only reason we had to cross it off our list was they told us that if S missed 2 weeks of classes in any quarter, they would likely force him to withdraw, even if the absences were due to documented health issues and he was able to keep up.)</p>
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<p>If it is the case that the parents are planning to work longer and harder so that their son can go to this wonderful college, why shouldn’t the son have to give a little? He can still see his gf on weekends, and even during the week if they can meet- maybe she can even come up to his college to visit. It’s not like he’s on the other side of the country.
I’m not sure the son appreciates what his parents are doing for him- working longer as well as taking out loans so he has this opportunity. He will have a car to travel back and forth on weekends. It sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.</p>
<p>I agree with the suggestion of NYMom! It seems like the most flexible/adaptable option assuming freshmen who live in a dorm are allowed to have cars on campus. Unfortunately, adding the cost of gas to the cost of housing will add up quickly! I would suggest that you set grade minimum criteria, but not put a limit on how many days he can make the commute. Instead, your son should be responsible for the car expenses (gas costs at the very least!). He might soon quickly that daily visits are unnecessary.</p>
<p>Another thought, the burden of traveling could be shared by the gf if she were to visit him at SC occasionally.</p>
<p>And in addition to study groups there are potentially group projects where all of the members need to meet and these are often done in the evenings or on weekends (don’t know about what’s typical at SCU in this regard).</p>
<p>OP - While I think your S should make his own decision on this, make sure he understands these points being mentioned about the logistics of college vs what he’s used to with HS or even what may be typical for a JC. If he imagines himself just going to SCU, ‘doing his time in class’ and then coming home to be with his GF he needs to understand that probably won’t work successfully.</p>
<p>I also agree that all of the costs for commuting (car payments, insurance, gas, maintenance) should be on him. He s/b able to handle it with a p/t job either on-campus or elsewhere. And that brings up another point - commuting will make it more difficult for him to have an on-campus job if he wanted one and if he doesn’t plan on a job - why not (IMO on-campus jobs are a good thing for the students)?</p>
<p>I agree with ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad that the worst outcome would be for him to attend the JC instead of the 4-year college. Even though it was many years ago, I remember well how large romantic relationships loomed in my life when I was 17-20, and also how quickly the one boy who was everything to me could be replaced in my affections by someone new! I think that if the student starts at UCSC, it is very likely that campus life/new people will draw him onto the campus full-time, even though he can’t imagine this now. He doesn’t know these new people or this new life yet, he only knows his current gf. </p>
<p>The point about major is a good one.</p>
<p>I do like NYmom’s suggestion if you can afford R&B as well as his commuting costs, or if he shares the burden of them. Or have you contacted the school to ask if housing would be available after the start of the semester if S finds that commuting is not fun? </p>
<p>Here’s a more radical idea: suggest that if he and gf are that serious, that they tie the knot, live in married housing, file independent, get more aid, and gf commutes to jc. Sometimes it’s just fun to get a reaction and get them thinking, although I wouldn’t suggest this if you think he might really take you up on it. 
Good luck!</p>
<p>Another thought - see if you can have him discuss the logistics of handling the college requirements and life for one who would commute that much with some current students - preferably in his planned major. They might tell him much of what we’ve stated here but it might be more meaningful to your S coming from someone who’s there already in his own peer group. Of course this might work counter to what you’d like depending on what the students say but at least he’d have some real, current, practical input from others like him at this particular U where he’d be going.</p>
<p>His mindset needs to change from the ‘HS mindset’, which is more like doing one’s duty, to the ‘college mindset’ which is a time for gaining independence and being focused on the future including very practical and important things like gaining the background needed in order to obtain a decent job.</p>
<p>You probably need to answer the question of whether he can have a car on campus as a freshman also. D applied there and I thought it was a no but don’t remember for sure. That’s not something you want to find out later if he chooses to attend SCU and live on campus and then finds out on move-in day that he can’t keep his car and therefore has no way to get home to gf.</p>
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<p>This is the bottom line–the practical reality of this situation. College is NOT high school when it comes to the work required. The freshman fall quarter is very important as a student gets used to being at college and being away from home. And quarters go VERY, VERY fast.</p>
<p>Look, if going to a 4 year college could only happen for your S if he lived at home and commuted an hour each way because of financial reasons, then that’s what would have to happen. But that isn’t this case.</p>
<p>I think that the choice that you’ve given him is a reasonable one. If he chooses JC so to stay close to girlfriend, then support that choice, even if it doesn’t make you happy. If she is the love of his life and they marry, then you guys are the heroes for supporting their love. If they break up, then your S says, “What was I thinking?”, and you get kudos for supporting him.</p>
<p>Much as I wouldn’t want my kid to start at JC in these perilous CA budget times, I’m going to guess that transferring into a private school like SCU will be an easier nut to crack than transferring to a state school.</p>
<p>I would not pay for my son to attend a four year college but not live on campus freshman year. It is simply not safe to be a college freshman and be commuting that far each day. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Life is about choices and consequences. As parents we are not required to make their lives exactly as they wish their lives to be.</p>
<p>I would offer to pay for SCU/live in the dorm or junior college/live at home.</p>
<p>Also be aware that if S starts at jc and finds it wasn’t the best decision, he may not receive any financial help from SCU as a transfer. Will you be able to afford it if not? Make sure S is aware of that possibility in decision-making process.</p>
<p>Have him get a job on campus (or around the campus) when he is in school, instead of going back and forth to see his girlfriend. If the parents are putting in longer hours at work, there is nothing wrong with the student working part time to help out.</p>
<p>Oh my gosh. Thank you so much for all your wonderful and thoughtful (and fast) responses! To answer a few of the questions that were asked. Right now he wants to be a business major and was accepted to the School of Business at Santa Clara. He has been dating this girl for a little over a year and, quite frankly, I would not be surprised if it ended up being a long-term relationship. Hard to tell about that. I think someone (I think it might have been UCLA dad) brought up the topic of out of class time requirements such as labs and study groups. I know our son has not factored this into his thought process. He does need to change from the HS mind-set to the college mind-set, but I’m not sure if that is going to happen. We really feel like we have offered him a wonderful compromise. He could leave his car at his aunt and uncle’s and come home on the weekends. He definitely will have some sort of job during the school year and his being willing to work and earn some money on his own has never been an issue. Neighbors are always paying him to stain decks, mow lawns, etc. and he even cares for an elderly man who has had a stroke off and on. He already has his job lined up for this summer. He knows that he is responsible for paying for his books and personal expenses. We made the trip to Santa Clara yesterday to meet with the financial aid office and that commute would just be ridiculous on a regular basis and, selfishly, I don’t want to be worried about that on a daily basis. We feel like the girlfriend is his “drug” right now. She makes him feel like all is good and she clouds his judgement. Better than real drugs of course. We may be willing to take NYmom’s (I think it was NY mom) suggestion and allow him to come home one day during the middle of the week in the hope that his desire to do so would quickly die based on the demands of college. The other question I was wondering about is whether you all thought it would be a good idea to talk with my son and his girlfriend together. We would have no problem doing so, but are wondering if this should just be a conversation between the 3 of us. Haven’t run this scenario past our son yet. Again, thank you so very much for the time you have spent responding to our concerns. It is very much appreciated, and if you have anything else to add, please do so. We value all your insight.</p>
<p>Personally I think this is a decision your family should be making. You already said that the GF clouds your son’s ideas (not in a bad way necessarily but she does). This needs to by your family’s decision…in my opinion.</p>
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I don’t think so - it’s his job to ‘manage’ his GF - not yours. It’d likely be an uncomfortable situation all around.</p>
<p>In your first post it sounded as if you were making the assumption this was due to the GF. That’s likely the case but if you’re assuming then it means you haven’t discussed it frankly with your S (or he wasn’t open with you or discussing it maturely). It’s always possible he just doesn’t want to live in the dorm with strangers, that he’d miss living at home, that he has some anxiety about leaving home (this isn’t that unusual).</p>
<p>Make sure you have a frank, calm discussion with your S about what the underlying issues are in his mind. Make sure you have the frank discussion with him about some of these logistical differences between HS and college.</p>
<p>I’d be interested in finding out what the girlfriend thinks. Does she even know what he’s planning to do? Don’t forget, she’ll be going to school, too. She’ll have classes, homework, study groups, etc., and maybe a part-time job. She may not be willing/able to drop everything every evening to hang out with your son. She may even tell him that she doesn’t want him sacrificing SC for her, or trying to drive home every night and possibly falling asleep while driving. She may be happy just seeing him on weekends, talking on Skype during the week, and spending more time together during breaks.</p>
<p>I think your idea of leaving his car at his aunt and uncle’s and coming home on the weekends is very good, but I wouldn’t even discuss the possibility of coming home one night during the week. He doesn’t have a clue yet about how much work he’ll have to do for his classes, and the classes need to be his priority during the week.</p>