need help editing. essay about diversity. btw, i'm Bhutanese.

College Essays
1

<p>for the "how will you contribute to so-so university essay, I've written about diversity. It's supposed to be a short essay. I've written the following rough draft. Can someone help me edit it? Thank you.</p>

<p>"In today’s multi-national world, it is extremely important that the citizens of tomorrow learn to interact with people from all around the world. As one of the first Bhutanese in both the residential schools that I attended in India, I was able to share my experiences, adventures and knowledge with my peers and teachers. Many people around the world have never heard about Bhutan, but I think it is one of the most unique countries in the world.
Although Bhutan is still a developing country, it has taken a whole new approach to development by emphasizing more on Gross National Happiness then economic development. Environmental protection is of prime importance to the Bhutanese society. The high school that I attended even started an exchange program to Bhutan. However, the learning experience was not one way. I learn a great deal about the indian culture and even learnt their language. It was a enlightening experience and I hope to share more and learn more from my time in ____________ university."</p>

2

<p>267 views and still no reply. Please help :,(</p>

3

<p>Hello, I’m not an expert but it seems to be more an accolade of Bhutan than an essay to show you’re personality. Aside the fact you’re showing that you’re coming from a small country under represented in the american universities, I can’t feel your personality in this essay.
It’s an atypical topic (which I good) Personally I would say you had better deepen you’re essay by showing your personality.</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>By the way, I think your introduction is very awkward because you’re generalizing something which can be an unique topic. To sum up you should write something about you and what you’ve done in Bhutan which could be more impressive (Bhutan is not as unknown as you think).</p>

<p>Sorry to be harsh but I just want to help you.
Best of luck to you.</p>

4

<p>Moreover, I think this topic shouldn’t be spoiled by the fact that you decided to send this essay to several universities just by replacing the university’s name at the end. it’s too bad.</p>