Need help uc promt 2!!

Applying to College
1

<p>Can I have some feedback on my essay. Is it ok or should I fix it???</p>

<p>Since I was a child I had a great fascination with science. I remember when I was in elementary school that I started learning about the universe and the different planets. I was amazed at the fact that there is a completely different world far beyond anything that I have ever experienced. All I could think of was the fact that there existed a world composed of so many wonders that I could explore and that I was a part of this fascinating world. In this fascination with the universe and its stars and planets, I would go out every dark night and gaze at the vast array of illuminating stars. In fact, while learning about astronomy in elementary my class took a trip to the planetarium. On my way to the planetarium, I was extremely excited wondering about the appearance of the place. Once I was inside and all the lights were turned off I couldn’t believe how amazing the ceiling appeared with every constellation outlined and visible. Although I do not plan to major in astronomy, this experience introduced me to all the wonderful possibilities of science.
As a freshman and sophomore, my science teacher, Mr. Bowman revealed to me the intriguing elements of biology and chemistry. These subjects seemed appealing to me because I was curious about the world and how it functions. I was fascinated at the fact that everything and everyone could be composed of tiny particles. This idea allowed me to perceive the world in a new way. I realized that people’s decisions and actions, regardless of how small, serve to create the lives we lead. Therefore, I base my decisions and actions so that I can accomplish my goals in life.<br>
Furthermore, science allows people to not only explore the countless possibilities but also improve life by applying a combination of perseverance, open-mindedness, and diligence. By achieving these characteristics, I have become aware of these possibilities and set out to make them reality. Therefore, I plan to pursue a career in the science department so that I can apply my curious, logical and determined personality and make a contribution to improve people’s lives. Indeed, much like the scientific process, our paths might be long and difficult but with great determination they can be rewarding.</p>

2

<p>Pretty good, but one suggestion though, add a ministory. Dedicate 2 sentences to tell of something that happen once, maybe mention about one night when you looked at the stars.</p>

3

<p>Ok thank you so much!</p>

4

<p>It’s clear and direct, and you convey your fascination with science quite well. More showing instead of telling (that is, more strongly pulling the reader into YOUR experiences) may have been better, but It’s not bad by any means the way it is.</p>

<p>You might want to fix the concluding sentence of the second paragraph. The way it is right now does not really make sense.</p>

<p>edit: I agree with dadaman1 about adding a ministory (that’s what I was saying your essay kind of lacked).</p>

5

<p>Instead of saying “amazing” and “fascinating” so much, make them feel what you feel. I like how you go from the fantasy of the stars to the practical of the skills need to pursue scientific research. Btw, I believe you’ve left out some words here and there. Read it out loud and I think you will see what I mean.</p>