How is this College Application Essay?

<p>I'm not using this at the moment to apply anywhere, but I had to write one for English Class. Here it goes:</p>

<p>When most parents tell their son or daughter to take out the garbage or take out the recyclables, he or she will probably grumble and drag themselves to the mind-dulling task that is ahead. Though, I love to take them out, which may seem as a shock to my parents and others. It gives me a good reason to go outside at night, and just observe the sky, the moon, the stars…everything that makes up the Universe we reside in. Every time I find myself looking at the night sky, I am amazed by nature’s beauty and I’m determined that it is what I must study in my life. To me, there is nothing more beautiful than a bright glowing star in the deep abyss of a dark sky.</p>

<pre><code>Thinking about the Universe gives one the feeling that they are completely inferior in the millions of planets and galaxies that surround us. This may seem pessimistic or scary to some, but it is fascinating to me. It sparks thoughts of alternate forms of life far, far away and has me contemplating about the meaning of life or the laws that govern everything. The thought that there is one set of laws of the Universe that governs anything and everything is a deep thing to take in and something which I feel I must dedicate my life to understanding. Looking at the night sky has made me a different person. It has made me realize that I must study and help discover the theory of the Universe. Through countless hours of observing space and reading books on “Superstring” theory and the Space-Time Continuum, I have gained a new aspect of who I am as a person and what my specific purpose is in this Universe.

While someone other’s purpose may be to act or study history or educate others, my purpose is to find out how the Universe makes these things possible. Though my father may want me to be a doctor or a lawyer for financial reasons, those things would not make me happy. Learning about stars, planets, and the cosmos makes me happy and is what I would like to pursue. I want to immerse myself in that feeling of inferiority and realize what it means. My life will simply not be complete until I attain my goal of understanding the Universe and its beauty.
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<p>First of all, take out the "..."</p>

<p>
[quote]
Though, I love to take them out, which may seem as a shock to my parents and others.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Kind of akwardly worded. Even though I know what you are talking about, "them" in your sentence is a bit ambigous.</p>

<p>
[quote]
My life will simply not be complete until I attain my goal of understanding the Universe and its beauty. [/qupte]</p>

<p>Well, do you honestly believe <em>anyone</em> can understand the Universe and its beauty? This sentence seems too flowery to me.</p>

<p>Overall, your essay flows well, but I think the topic doesn't really have enough substance to use as your main essay on college apps. Also, I think this type of "emotional/religious awakening" prompt is overused as an essay topic. Adcoms get piles of essays on topics similar to this, so your essay would have to <em>really</em> stick out.</p>

<p>I think it would work well for those "What interests you in your major" prompts, if your intended major has something to do with astonomy etc.</p>

<p>From this writing sample, you seem have inspiring writing skills, but I would choose a different topic.</p>

<p>I would get right into the topic a bit quicker. It's unclear. At first, I thought you were going to write about why why you should recycle.</p>

<p>I don't think there is anything with the topic...</p>

<p>but the essay just seems a little ordinary. I'm sure adcoms get a bunch of essays like this, and even though they seem to have avery true and legit intention at heart, it doesn't give off that same expression. If you want to talk about your interest, really get at it. Don't waste time with the garbage thing, or at the end of the essay when you say what your parents want you to be. (maybe you could a brief thing like that in the beginning)</p>

<p>Point is, really get at what your trying to say. If you want to write about space, why not take a quote from a famous astronomer or anyone really that you think theorizes your idea. And make it a little more personal, intimate, not just the ordinary (the stars, universe, everything out there interests me.) </p>

<p>Maybe you could even describe a story using the consellations as guidlines. I don't know. The point is, your essay is fairly good, but the reader will be unsure what it is even about till the middle and by then, you have very little space to make it unique with substance. Work on it. I think it is a good topic though if you play around with and make it original.</p>

<p>I don't really like the intro.</p>

<p>neither do i, but i did one like that:</p>

<p>Here is mine, and it got me into cornell so go figure</p>

<p>Every time I read an article, glance at a photograph, or learn about it I am awed. Some people may disagree, but I find space to be beautiful; when I glance at the universe through a telescope or a picture I cannot help but feel like I am in an art museum. Galaxies, stars, and all other objects appear similar to a painting, and yet these immense bodies are frigid, dense, incredibly fast moving, toxic, radioactive, and somewhat hazardous to life in general. I find it fascinating that something so dangerous can be so appealing to the eye much like the beautiful and poisonous White Oleander.
I remember the first time I gazed into the magical lens of my uncle’s telescope as a child. It was blurry, but after some adjustments and cleaning I could see the moon, and some stars much better than ever before. Though it seemed only like minutes, I spent a few hours just staring at the sky and playing with the wonderful instrument. The following day, I recall looking for every book I could find that dealt with stars, planet, and the universe. As I opened one book, I remember the first words I read: “Black Holes.” I was thinking, “How can a hole have color?” As I read further, I soaked in new and absurd ideas like: “Light cannot escape it” and “it is infinitely dense and infinitely small.” These sounded so preposterous that they kept me interested. Presently, I am trying to understand the incredibly complex and fascinating String Theory. Much like with my interest in Black Holes, String Theory grabs my attention because of its absurd properties—eleven dimensions are just a tad hard to imagine.
Similarly, my interest with art began early on. From drawing the simple images on my ABC blocks, emerged an undying passion for the visual arts, which only grew as I did. At first, I doodled or copied pictures I thought were “cool” freehand. When I entered middle school, I began studying anatomy, perspective, shading, and other necessary components of art. This continues to the present, but now I also study different mediums, and artists like Leonardo da Vinci and M. C. Escher. What makes art exciting for me is the uniqueness and vastness of it. There are endless amounts of mediums, styles, techniques, and people to study that it never ceases to attract me.</p>

<p>Don't say "he or she." The grammatically correct way is to say "he" or say "she." He is gender-neutral, and because of feminism, she is used in the same way.</p>

<p>although the two essays are about similar topics, the second one is more tightly woven and focused. the first essay seems too general and vague. perhaps more detail or interesting description?</p>

<p>To Fandangoya: Sorry, but throw it away. Banal, commonplace, very shallow. Read some good philosophy first if you want to be philosophical. Who am I to judge? A rather well educated adult.
Not to metion that superstring theory is just slightly out of fashion right now, although admission officers might not notice that.</p>