I am already thinking of giving some prep talk to D about college. I need some advice on academic aspect for now.
What kind of students in Carleton still get mostly A’s? I just want to get a feel about that and get D a heads up in case she won’t get all A’s anymore. She might be in shock if she doesn’t get an A and I am sure most of the high achieving students who get in will feel the same. Also it will help me to see what to expect on her academics if she is still performing the way she is in HS. I don’t get to see her daily, so I can only assume she is still the same person when she’s away from me. I want to get an idea on whether I should start worrying about what’s going on if grades are not good anymore.
I may sound like a tiger mom but I am not. I am always my D’s mental support (only child) and I always try to step in if she needs me some cheerleader. I hope I will at least have some idea what to prepare for her even when she’s miles away from me.
Always look forward to what you guys have to advise and suggest. Thanks in advance!
Honestly… she is going to figure it out. Make sure she has done kind of planner (paper or electronic) that she is used to. Remind her that trimesters are short, and her profs really do want her to come to office hours – without grad students,who else will they focus on? Encourage her to use campus resources like any free tutoring offered and the Writing Center.
But… can tell you now, she will not get all As. Don’t pressure her any more than it sounds like she will already pressure herself. Prepare to send care packages when times sound tough (although by the time my kid gets her packages, the crises has usually passed – but she still likes to get cookies).
What kind of students in Carleton still get mostly A’s? Not mine! :))
Actually, he did end up graduating with Latin honors so it’s not like he bombed or anything, but he did end up scrunching a couple of courses to avoid a less-than-desirable grade. He dropped a class first trimester freshman year, but I had to beg him to do it. He hated the idea of “giving up,” even though he knew this was a reach class. Things go pretty quickly in trimester courses, and I told him that he couldn’t spend all his time trying to salvage that class or it would drag down the others. I think he was surprised that I was so willing to have him drop a class, but maturity means knowing what battles to fight.
I don’t know what kind of HS your dd attends, but my kids went to a competitive magnet school since sixth grade. They learned early on that they weren’t the smartest kid in the room. And we always told them that if they were, they were in the wrong room.
Like intparent says, she’ll figure it out. Carleton is refreshingly noncompetitive in our experience. Ds always was good about doing “good enough.” No perfectionism, though he wanted to do well.
ETA: I don’t think you sound like a tiger mom. I think you sound like a worried mom. It’s tough letting them go, but my ds couldn’t have picked a better place to land.
My D is at a magnet school and taking IB. She is a very hardworking student. People call her “Queen of Effort” :bz She likes to go in depth in all classes by looking up info online just out of curiosity or the desire to learn more. She is very strong in most classes especially writing, but math is always her main struggle, well she is always in high level math but it takes her tremendous effort to stay on an A…
She has taken 6 AP exams so far and got 5 in all of them. She also has a busy schedule because of her sport being almost all year round but she does have a social life AND A BOYFRIEND…
Do you think she will be able to put through with some Bs and As? BTW, she will be an athlete there too.
Yeah I worry a lot but I guess I need to learn to let go… =((
I think you need to stop worrying. It is her job now… the last thing she needs is you fretting about her grades. It is really unhelpful for a college student for their parents to be constantly bringing up grades whenever you talk to them (it is a good way to get them to call less often, and dodge your calls to them).
Judging from the commencement program, a good number of students graduate cum laude, including my daughter who enjoyed an active social life (I’m pretty sure she studied a bit, too). To be honest, I have no idea what her grades were.
It sounds like your daughter is already successful handling her studies and multiple activities - she should do well at Carleton.
So in addition to care packages, you can also arrange for Friday flowers or deliveries from the local bakeries.
I think it is fair to have a grades conversation with a kid who has always made As. I have seen kids freak out when they don’t keep making all As in college. Both my kids I told if they make all As in college, I am not getting my money’s worth. I told them this is a time to challenge themselves and get out of their comfort zones, try something new.
I also told them that what is expected in college may well be different from what is expected in high school and that there will be a transition period during which the student has to figure out what is needed to make an A, a B, a C—not to mention that students are learning to be adults and manage own their own. It helps that I have stories from my own college days of learning how to manage grade wise and socially in a wholly new environment. That trimester calendar requires some adjustment, too. Fewer classes but a quicker pace.
Of course, I don’t check grades. Carls don’t really talk about them.
I wouldn’t go on and on about it, but it is fair to mention that college is tougher. She should be fine.
I check grades at the end of the semester. And for the – ahem – flakier of my two kids, I keep an eye on whether she is on track for graduation requirements.
@kchendds If she’s going to play her sport at Carleton, she needs to get used to earning some Bs. As long as she’s not a perfectionist and the Bs won’t freak her out, she’ll be fine. And I agree that it’s perfectly appropriate to talk to her about it. Mention it but don’t obsess about it. Make sure she knows that you (and dh, if there is one) are perfectly fine with her not getting straight As and that if that’s her goal then that’s on her. And then walk the walk and YOU don’t freak out if she gets a B.
Like Lizardly, I had no idea what ds’s grades were. Twice a year we asked for a printout so that we could submit them to our insurance company to get the good student driver discount.
I have many friends who know all about their kids’ classes, exam schedules, GPAs and who log in to their kids’ degree trackers. One of my favorite stories is from a mom whose ds went in to meet with his adviser, and the adviser congratulated him for staying so on top of his degree plan, noting that he can see that he’d check it more than 30 times. After the meeting, he called his mom because he knew that HE hadn’t checked his degree tracker and that it was her! =)) Why was a mom checking the degree tracker at all? But, wow, a half-dozen times a semester? I’m happy to note that none of these friends’ kids is at Carleton. Trust your kid, unless she’s given you reason not to.
This really is the time to let go a little. Or a lot. If there’s reason to be really worried (past drug use, self-harm issues) I can see a parent being really vigilant during the transition, but for most families it’s a good time to let loose the apron strings.
I never checked my daughter’s grades when she was at Carleton. I kind of hoped she would get a B, because she pushes herself really hard, too hard, I think. (It’s an unfortunate inheritance from me and her dad.) She did get all As, and I’m very proud of her, but I would have been proud of her if she hadn’t gotten all As. I never brought up the topic of grades, but she did sometimes.
@rosered55 It sounds like your daughter and mine are similar. We sometimes have to stop her from studying too much and urge her to rest. That’s why I am worried she could be too harsh on herself if she doesn’t get As anymore.
My daughter is taking one grad school course, for which she had a mid-term exam tonight. She texted me to say it was the hardest test she’s ever taken and then called me while walking to the subway and asked me to tell her that everything will be okay. I said everything will be okay. I also commented that it was easier for me, because I got my first Cs during my first year of college. Things went better for me after that, but it was a relief to find out I could survive not being “perfect.”
I think this is a good conversation. So, basically, what type of student is the “mythical straight A Carleton student”, and is it even desirable to be this student. I am a little puzzled by the conversation. It makes sound like this mythical student is some unicorn that you think you see, but never really do. Where I do agree with most of the parents here is that is not always a positive for the student or his/her future to get a ~3.9 at Carleton.
So who get ~3.9 or above…
-There is a highest probability they are a math major…or perhaps double math, Physics/CS/Econ
-This will followed by a high probability of being a science major or pre-med major
-They will be well prepared from a good pubic or private high school
-They may have occasionally underloaded, or made sure to take key science and math courses they could have easily tested out of.
-No doubt they will be a smart hard working disciplined student.
There are students that do very well at Carleton, but don’t fall in these catagories…no doubt. It is just that, if you would pick a student who made a ~3.9 or higher at random, you’d probably get the profile above. It is difficult for profs to be subjective in math and science, and it is easy for students argue up grades. For students who understand the material and do the work, they’ll get very good grades. Preparation from high school is critical, and underloading can really allow students to focus on two classes…you can always take two classes, a three credit class that ends in 5 weeks, 2 credits of music lessons (pass/fail) and a seminar…it is much like underloading.
So should you strive for this. It is not always a good idea. I’ve seen a Carleton student who got awesome grades (3.9 - 4.0) and maybe did a sport, but didn’t do meaningful research and didn’t really succeed on the GRE specialty exams not get into nearly as good a grad school as 3.7 student who did meaningful research and did well on their GRE. I’ve seen stars with 3.8 - 3.9 GPA drop out of grad school after their first year. Perhaps they are burnt out, or not used to a major research institution where the prof really doesn’t want to meet with the first year grad student, and instead the first year grad student must learn from older grad students and post-docs. Also, what do you do besides grad school with a 4.0 in math…grad school in pure math is not always the best path for success. I’ve seen more than one ~3.9 student at Carleton never bother with grad school especially in math or CS.
