Need To Bounce Back From a Difficult Semester

Parent Cafe
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<p>I am a first-year student at a top New England liberal arts college. My parents do not speak English and have no experience with the American education system (even little experience with the education system in their home country) so it is very hard to speak with them about my problems during my first semester. I hope to seek advice from parents on this forum. </p>

<p>During my first semester of college, I had HORRIBLE friends. They partied a lot and drank, did drugs, and made out at extreme levels. I often came with them to parties and as a person who was raised in a conservative environment, I felt anxious, depressed, and left out due to their behavior. Fortunately, I still was strong enough to stick with my morals and values and did not engage in any of the activity. However, the pressure of partying two nights a week really restricted how much time I could have spent studying.</p>

<p>On top of this, my friends were extremely controlling. As an only child, I am used to a quiet environment so studying when the TV is on, music is blasting, or when people are talking is not good for my retention and concentration. However, my friends did not allow me to go to the library and required me to stay with them while doing homework (They always have the TV or music turned on). If I didn't abide by these rules at a given time, they deliberately made me feel bad about it so I studied with them anyways even when I knew that I wasn't going to get much out from studying in a loud environment. </p>

<p>At the very end of the semester (during finals week), I began to realize that these people are not my friends and have parted ways with them. I should be able to feel comfortable with my friends and my friends are supposed to be respectful towards me when it comes to something as important as academics.</p>

<p>As a result of giving into the pressure of my friends first semester, I ended up only with a 3.01 GPA. My morale is pretty low. Even though my friends pressured me into partying a lot and in hanging out with them ALL the time, I still made it a priority to get all of my homework done on time, go to my professors' office hours, go to tutoring sessions, study for my exams, and attend ALL of my classes (Maybe I wasn't able to focus on doing my homework and studying as much I as wanted to, but I still did all of it). I have no problem with working hard-with doing everything I can to know that I am doing the best that I can. When I felt that I was not doing the best that I could on exams, I met with my professors to see how I could have improved.</p>

<p>Like I said, I have no problem with working hard because I really value my education. Since I am a first generation college student, I want to make the most out of my four years of college. I made mistakes with being friends with the people I was friends with first semester. It has also been very hard to express to my parents about my friends during first semester, because I am afraid that they will culture shocked if I told them. Also, it has been hard to speak to them about improving my academics, because again, they do not have much of an education. I want to get past my mistakes and lift my morale up so that I can do better academically.</p>

<p>How do I do this?</p>

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<p>It sounds to me as if you’ve done a great job identifying where you went wrong and taking corrective measures–that shows a lot of maturity. And you’re being way too hard on yourself! A 3.0 for first semester at a top college is just fine, especially under the circumstances you describe. </p>

<p>I don’t know what the issue is with talking to your parents, but if you’re afraid they’ll be disappointed with grades that are lower than what you achieved in high school, explain that college is very different, that it requires a period of adjustment, and that you have a good handle on how to do better. If you present yourself as positive and confident, rather than defeated and demoralized, they’ll believe in you, and you’ll start to believe in yourself. </p>

<p>Meanwhile, over the break see if your required books for second semester are listed, and if they are, buy them used or rent them now and start casually looking over the material. You’ll feel more in control right from the start. And when you go back to school, please don’t feel you have to spend 100% of your time studying–that can be awfully demoralizing in itself. There are lots of leisure time alternatives to partying, and if you find an activity or club you enjoy, chances are the right friends will be found there, too. Good luck!</p>

<p>I want to add that a lot of the crazy behaviors you’ve witnessed among your peers will start to fade away as they get their excitement at their new-found freedom out of their systems AND see what THEIR first semester GPA’s amounted to.</p>

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<p>You sound like you are on the right track to straighten this out. You need to make some new friends that are more interested in the things you are into. Consider whether you should join a club or activity (or two) in your areas of interest to meet some new people. You should have some free time on your hands if you stop going to parties and hanging out in an environment where you can’t get serious studying done. You really need to keep a focus on your own priorities next semester. Do what YOU need to do to get your work done and meet/spend time with people who respect that. They are there at your school, just sounds like you fell in with the wrong crowd to begin with.</p>

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<p>Join a club that has your values like a volunteer organization; don’t get railroaded into having party friends just to have “friends”.
Change roommates.</p>

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<p>Study at the library.</p>

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<p>*However, my friends did not allow me to go to the library and required me to stay with them while doing homework (They always have the TV or music turned on). If I didn’t abide by these rules at a given time, they deliberately made me feel bad about it *</p>

<p>This is truly bizarre. I can’t imagine college-aged people “requiring” anyone to do anything, much less requiring you to stay with them while studying.</p>

<p>Please, drop these “friends” pronto. They aren’t your friends. Not at all. Are any of these folks roommates? If so, avoid them as much as possible this next semester. Instead of coming back to the dorm after classes, go right to the library. Do NOT tell them your class schedule so they won’t know when you should be at any time. </p>

<p>This whole thing sounds so bizarre. How could they “make you” do anything? Even if they gave you a “hard time” when you wanted to study elsewhere, what could they really do? Complain for a few minutes?</p>

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<p>College is the time to try out new things. If you were brought up under a very conservative environment, when you go off to college you may want to party more. If your parents have been controlling, you may feel it is ok for your peers to tell you what to do. Now that you have tried partying and realize you need a different environment/friends to do better in school, it is not too late to change.</p>

<p>My younger daughter is in a more difficult major than her friends. She also lives in a sorority this year, which means she is “required” to participate in many sorority events. This past semester she lived in the library, but she would go out Fri and Sat nights and meet friends for brunch on Sun. She had the best academic semester ever- all As. At first her sorority sisters (especially the social chair) complained about her participation, but she stood firm. She would say to me, “They are not going to get me into law school.”</p>

<p>Part of growing up is to balance out work (school) and life, figure out what’s important to you and how to go about in getting it. It is hard when you’ve had your parents all of your life to tell you what to do, and now you are on your own to figure everything out. My older daughter said the hardest thing about going off to college was not to have us around to remind her what she needs to do or always be available to her as a sounding board. The first semester is always the hardest for most college students. It is not too late to make some good choices next semester.</p>

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<p>IMO, a lot of first generation college students may not know what college is really like. It’s much more than just studying and going to class - there is a lot of free time, increased independence…</p>

<p>That said, it’s important to take this time over your break and assess what’s important to you. You need to exert your own independence and focus on those things that are important. You can join clubs and find activities as others have suggested. You can also leave for class in the morning and not come back until dinner time. Between classes, go to the library or to an empty classroom. </p>

<p>I had a roommate in college (many, many years ago) that would go to the library on Saturday or Sunday mornings and “hide” because he wanted to study without being interrupted. He’d come back when he was done and we would all go out or he would meet us.</p>

<p>The most important issue here is that you need to be responsible for your success both now and for the rest of your life. You don’t want to say that someone is controlling you and you aren’t doing well because of that.</p>

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<p>Be honest with your friends. Tell them nicely, but firmly: “look, I appreciate the invite, but I have a lot of work to do” and then head out to the library. You don’t need to go into a lot of detail - about grades, morals etc. - just do it. If their lifestyle really affects your grades, see about changing roommates. Start a study group in a more demanding class and work on developing those friendships. </p>

<p>Know that what you’re going through is very common. Lots of people change friends/lifestyle/study habits throughout college. It’s called growing up and growing into the academic life, so don’t feel bad about it. Just… do it.</p>

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<p>Wow, op. I’m proud of your maturity and self reflection.

  1. Get the book “How to be a Straight A student” by Cal Newport. It tells how to study efficiently so that you can balance an academic life and social life.
  2. Yep, studying in a place, alone, such as library, Starbucks, a few hours per day and then you have the rest of the day to socialize
  3. How to find new friends to socialize with? Maybe new ECs, your new classes, new clubs?</p>
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<p>First of all, stop beating yourself up. It’s natural to make friends with the people in your dorm your first year, but you will eventually find friends that have similar values in your classes and in the activities you join.</p>

<p>As you’ve correctly said, actual friends won’t pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do. Just keep your distance from the people you hung out with first semester. They’ll eventually drop you when they see you aren’t a party type, and this is just what you want. You will find people who have similar values, I promise.</p>

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<p>I agree. </p>

<p>OP, you can’t blame your roommates for your grades. You are an adult now and it’s up to you to make the right decisions for your future. </p>

<p>I love this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt:</p>

<p>"Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt</p>

<p>Never do anything you know to be wrong, dangerous, or foolish simply because someone else insists. I promise you that there are plenty of people on your campus who are NOT behaving in the ways you have described. You just need to find them.</p>

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<p>Thank you for all of responses. </p>

<p>To mom2collegekids and Nrbsb4, I totally understand now that I need to take control of my education and I can no longer allow anyone to determine my future. That really only hit me during finals week when I talked to a bunch of upperclassmen about my issues and they told me that they had friends who appreciated that they only eat meals and hang out with them at least once on the weeks due the amount of work they have.</p>

<p>One of the reasons why I feel that I really let me friends dictate what I did with my time was because during high school, I was fortunate enough to meet a group of friends during orientation and have became best friends with them throughout my entire time in high school with no problems whatsoever. The thought of breaking away from a friends group as early as a couple of weeks during first semester and not having any close friends for a while (especially since it is a small school) really scared me. </p>

<p>Second, these friends are really not nice-they have no problem with yelling at other people (I have been yelled at many times for little things such as not being able to something for a friend on her table) and threatening other people. I was really scared to tell them that I wasn’t going to listen to them because they simply think that their logic is the best and would do almost anything-even being disrespectful and rude to tell you so.</p>

<p>I understand by not recognizing these things, maybe signify that I lack some social skills coming into college. But the important part now is that I LEARNED from this and a) will take control of my life b) will not consider people are rude and disrespectful towards me as my “friends” c) will also learn how to recognize good and bad friendships earlier (Some people left my group earlier than me because they recognized the signs earlier than me).</p>

<p>Now, I just need to focus on doing better academically and finding a group of friends that I like. I really have no problem working hard (as I noted above) and reaching out to others. To YoHoYoHo, I have already own the book and plan on reading it this Winter. Thank you for the suggestion though.</p>

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<p>Sounds like you met the mean girls and accidentally fell in with them for a semester. but you have figured it out, and have moved. on. :slight_smile: Good luck to you next semester, I am sure you will find a nicer group to hang out with.</p>

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<p>That is a perfectly respectable GPA for a first year, first semester student at a top college. </p>

<p>When I read your post I thought you were going to say that you were failing or on probation. Obviously your grades aren’t what you hoped, but they aren’t horrible either. You can work to bring them up next semester. You’ve identified the problems and you have taken action to solve them. I’d suggest that you also try to get involved in an activity or organization next semester that is the type of thing that tends to attract more serious-minded students – maybe something related to your major, or a community service organization-- just as a way of meeting people who are more focused on their studies or future career goals than on partying. That will help you form some better friendships and also give you something to do to socialize with others that avoids the party scene.</p>

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<p>Caroline16,
I agree with calmom that I thought that you were going to tell us that you were flunking out after first semester. A 3.0 in the first semester at a top LAC is quite strong. Many freshmen are going to be shocked at how much work is required at an academically demanding college. For most, it’s nothing like what was required of them in high school.</p>

<p>All this being said, it is obvious that you think you would have done better in your classes if not for the influences around you. I have two children currently in college and they have each figured out where the best place is to study when thy really can’t afford to be disturbed. Every college has some places where students can really “hide out” and not be disturbed. But, you shouldn’t need to be locking yourself away all day, every day. There is sort of a formula which says that for every hour of actual class time, you need to spend 2-3 hours studying outside the classroom. For some really intense colleges, you may need to spend 4 hours studying outside of class for every hour spent in the classroom. Still, that leaves plenty of hours in the day for socializing as well as studying. </p>

<p>You sound like you are well on your way to figuring things out. You won’t meet all of your friends the first semester in college. You’ll find new ones as you move along. :)</p>