First semester in retrospective - seriously in need of guidance

Parents Forum
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<p>Throughout high school, I put a lot of thought in trying to find a college with a good fit for me. Even by senior year, I wasn't totally sure, so this time last year I was working on a pile of college essays. I ended up applying to 20 schools in total and got accepted by most of them, but I ended up going to the school where I applied first - Vanderbilt University. Accepting that I was going there was really difficult. For the most part, my parents wanted me to go there because it was the cheapest out of the private schools I got into and it was close to home. It was also the most prestigious out of the schools I got into. I mostly didn't want to go because of the location, but I figured since it was a nationally-recognized top school, things couldn't be too bad. Plus, I was going with one of my closest friends and there would be lots of other people I knew going to school with me.</p>

<p>It turns out this first semester ended up having a lot of ups and downs. Mostly downs. I think it would be a lie to say that everything was bad. But it wasn't a piece of cake either. There have been a myriad of reasons as to why I feel this way. Academics is one, yes, but I figure I know the solution to that one. My health is another. The real problem is that I have never felt so socially isolated in my life and that has been crushing me. </p>

<p>I don't know about anyone else, but I feel that it is so easy to let an entire week slip by and not have one meaningful conversation. It's such a shock coming from high school where I could at least see people everyday and I would be guaranteed to be able to talk to people during lunch. Maybe I would have a day to myself, which I could handle, but dealing with that for an entire week is very different. And everyone here is so busy all the time, even on the weekends, that it feels weird to ask the few friends you have to make time for you. </p>

<p>Coming from high school, I was reasonably well-liked and at the top in my academics and extracirriculars. Now, I know no one starts at the top of the food chain in college. But at the very least, people knew I existed. Here, I feel like I could disappear forever and maybe five people would notice. </p>

<p>Now, I think I would be having this sort of experience at any college I went to. But I don't really think that the school I'm going to is helping. First of all, it's very large, or at least a lot larger than a lot of the other schools I was considering. At the other universities I got into, I was accepted into a smaller program. I feel that even at a state school, I could be in the Honors College. Here, I'm not really part of any group at all, and I'm tired of constantly meeting people that I never see again.</p>

<p>The thing is, I have never been good at making friends quickly. I came to summer camp here twice and both times I never walked away with the life-long friends the camp brochure promised. Most of my good friends at the end of high school took a long time for us to know each other, which I think was okay. The problem is, even though I know it's the truth, it seems that although students are coming in from more diverse areas these days, they all come into campus knowing how to talk, dress, and act exactly the same way. And I don't see any signs of it being otherwise. And those who didn't fit into the mainstream all seem to have found each other. Anyways, it looks like everyone found their best friends forever in the first month of school and I didn't. </p>

<p>Also, I couldn't wait until college to meet people more similar to me. It looks like I couldn't have found people more different. Never have I ever met people who all seemed to be more collectively weirded out by me. I admit, I can come on strong and leave a bad taste in some people's mouths, but I have no idea what I'm doing wrong to make the reaction this bad to where it seems like people don't want me in their class just for being there. Maybe I'm imagining things? I really can't tell.</p>

<p>Now, what is the solution? I've tried getting involved, but nothing really seems to stick. A lot of people I've talked to said I haven't been trying hard enough, but I have no idea how to try harder. I've never had it totally easy socially, but I felt like before I was able to work up into a comfortable position for myself. Now, I feel like I've totally exhausted myself with almost nothing to show for it.</p>

<p>And I don't think transferring is really an option either. With my grades, I can't see myself getting into a comparable school, and even if I can transfer somewhere decent, I think I'm just going to be at square zero again. Also, I'm pretty sure transfers get worse aid, so I think I will be paying an additional $20k a year if I go anywhere else. </p>

<p>I guess there's nothing to do but go back next semester and try again. I'm doing sorority recruitment when I get back too. I don't think joining a sorority (if I can get into one to begin with) is a panacea, but I figure it's a good way to get to know other people.</p>

<p>If you actually read this to the end, THANK YOU SO MUCH. A listening ear is what I really need right now.</p>

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<p>Some good advice on these threads…</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1398739-college-not-going-well-expected.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1398739-college-not-going-well-expected.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1398744-college-not-going-well-id-like-just-had-worst-september-ever.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1398744-college-not-going-well-id-like-just-had-worst-september-ever.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1341018-why-do-so-many-people-fail-ap-exams.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/1341018-why-do-so-many-people-fail-ap-exams.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>I already read what people wrote it those threads, thanks. I don’t get how you think it’s not condescending to dig into my posting history to find threads that I started like I had no idea I posted them. If you wanted me to reread advice that I already read then you could’ve said it outright. And I have no idea what the last thread has to do with my situation. That makes your post sound even more condescending.</p>

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<p>In my family’s experience, many freshmen feel this way around this time in freshman year.</p>

<p>I am not saying this to deny your very real pain and isolation, and the subject of meeting people who click is a painful one for many.</p>

<p>I suggest visiting the counseling center. Don’t feel badly about doing this: more than half of college students get counseling. Often there is a group for newish students who are lonely or who want to talk about adjustment to the situation.</p>

<p>It sounds like you are doing many of the right things. Does your dorm have any activities to encourage bonding among students? Is there volunteering or interning you might want to do, or some other extracurricular? Good luck with the sorority…</p>

<p>I think you will find also that as you continue in your studies, meeting people in your department may help.</p>

<p>I hope you can return for spring with a renewed spirit, after break. Give yourself time. If you are really miserable after the first year, perhaps you can think about an honors college at a state or other school, or a school that is broken down into smaller communities residentially, but I’ll bet you will make this work in the next few months.</p>

<p>It’s tough. Our culture expects kids to just leave home and cope well. It can be like jumping off a cliff for some. It will get better, but I understand how hard it is in the meantime. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Thank you! I did get around to visiting the counseling center. Last semester, there was a peer group for students like that, which I couldn’t attend due to classes, but I’ll see what I can do next semester.</p>

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<p>Have you ever taken any personality tests? </p>

<p>I ask because you sound like an introvert. Introverts tend to prefer a smaller number of closer friendships rather than a larger number of superficial social interactions. </p>

<p>If this is your pattern, you will probably always be disappointed by your first few months in a new setting because you’re just getting to know people, and therefore your interactions with them can’t help but be superficial. It takes time to establish the sort of friendships that introverts prefer. </p>

<p>I don’t think there’s any solution to this problem other than patience, but if you find that the people you’re meeting are people whose interests don’t match yours, you might want to consider joining some new extracurricular activities or getting a part-time job when you get back on campus (especially if you decide against joining a sorority after going through the recruitment process). You might also want to spend some time during this Winter Break renewing your friendships with people you knew in high school. There’s a lot that you can talk about, and it won’t be superficial.</p>

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<p>No, I actually think I am quite extroverted (by MBTI and Big 5), but I think I just have a very unique personality that can be hard to get used to. I liked knowing a wide range of people from different groups back in high school, so I am very frustrated that I can’t make a foothold on anybody at college. While I like meeting new people, I don’t like doing it over and over again and not having it lead anywhere.</p>

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<p>Hmmm.</p>

<p>Academics- but “you know the solution to that”. Which would be what? Study more? Since you are friendless, what else could you be doing?</p>

<p>And you have problems with health. And you come “on strong”.</p>

<p>Putting those three things together it sounds like you are over wound and getting no power to the wheels. I hate the easy out “stress” but does seem like its got to be there since it does seem to be manifesting in numerous areas. </p>

<p>To off-load stuff you should drop the worrying about friends. Pushing too hard isnt going to help anything which is probably the issue you are having. Intellectually you know all the odd balls didnt all ready match up, thats just nonsense, but it is blocking you from making connections. Set a goal of not making any friends for 2 months- it will be very freeing. Find some kind of internet outlet to socialize on for a while. MMOs guilds, esty, or make ■■■■■ posts to CC- doesnt matter. </p>

<p>For your health issue I’d recommend reading Jim Loehr’s Stress for Success which is super cheap used on Amazon. Your body needs stress and it needs recovery or it breaks. You needs to get into a regular stress and recovery cycles. Make a firm workout routine with off days. Treadmill, hiking whatever. And on the off days mediate or get your parents to cough up a massage coupon book.
[Stress</a> for Success: James E. Loehr, Mark H. McCormack: 9780812930092: Amazon.com: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Stress-Success-James-E-Loehr/dp/0812930096]Stress”>http://www.amazon.com/Stress-Success-James-E-Loehr/dp/0812930096)</p>

<p>Academically you need a real study plan- not just dropping by the library because you have nothing to do, or pretending to read in your dorm while hoping the conversation down the hall includes you in. You might look over Cal Newports advice:
[How</a> to Become a Straight-A Student: The Unconventional Strategies Real College Students Use to Score High While Studying Less: Cal Newport: 9780767922715: Amazon.com: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/How-Become-Straight--Student-Unconventional/dp/0767922719/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1356615499&sr=1-1&keywords=A+student]How”>http://www.amazon.com/How-Become-Straight--Student-Unconventional/dp/0767922719/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1356615499&sr=1-1&keywords=A+student)</p>

<p>Socially, drop the effort to make friends. You need to extend yourself to other people’s problems and see that you are making a difference. Find some place to volunteer- and something real, not the campus Wominz Center or making signs for KONY 2013. Find a soup kitchen, Habitat house, meals-on-wheels. Something where even your small effort will make a real difference for for people. You are being a whiney brat right now and you know that intellectually. Once you see people with real problems the part of your brain that is spinning will slow down and you’ll realize your issues are pretty small.</p>

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<p>First semester can be tough for everyone. Just don’t give up! Try and be more open to people you meet. Ask them about themselves, people in general like to talk about themselves.
And keep looking into different clubs/organizations on campus. Eventually you will find one that you click with and enjoy. </p>

<p>Being in a sorority can also be helpful as they have planned activities and you will meet a lot of people. </p>

<p>Also do you get along with your roommate? If so try and do things with her, be it study time, a meal together etc.</p>

<p>I know it is hard but look to Jan. as a fresh start and stay positive! If you do have friends that you have met on campus make sure you are staying in touch with them over the break and make plans to do something when you get back…</p>

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<p>Don’t expect too much from people, a lot of college students are superficial and there is nothing wrong with just having casual conversations. You may be okay with a few casual friends while you find “your people.” It takes time</p>

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<p>Out of all the advice I’ve received on CC, this is probably the first outright bad advice I’ve gotten. I know you mean well, but it just sounds like a distraction from the real problem. And I’m actually even worse at making friends over the internet.</p>

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<p>It’s spelled wymyn, very much thank you.</p>

<p>But tell me, why did my post offend you so? Actually after reading this, combined with the above paragraph, I would’ve thought you were ■■■■■■■■ if you didn’t post everything else.</p>

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<p>Why sugar coat things? Would that have made you feel better? </p>

<p>What you have been trying isnt working so you obviously need to try something different.</p>

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<p>It is difficult for many students to go from the comfort of home and feeling connnected in high school to college. You are definitely not alone. There is a lot more unstructured free time in college and not always a lot of support. If you are lucky, your roommate or hallmates turn into instant best friends. If you are not, it takes time to find your people.</p>

<p>Trying harder may not be the answer, but moving outside yourself may be. What extra curriculars did you like in high school? Try to get involved in something and force yourself to go to meetings or get togethers, even if you don’t feel like you are “friends” with these people. Many college kids (and many adults) are not really looking for “deep” ocnversations - they just want to have fun. Friendships take time to develop and even your high school friendships probably did not develop over night. Some kids have found the support and connections they sought in a sorority or fraternity.</p>

<p>The counseling center is also a good idea. It seems like you have been struggling for a while both with making the decision where to go to school and how to adjust. It is a good idea to figure out if there is something else going on.</p>

<p>Good luck and enjoy your break. Next semester you can start anew! Although they may not be easy to find, there are going to be like-minded folks at Vandy.</p>

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<p>chaosakita, I admire you for taking some ownership of this problem and not blaming the university for it, which I’ve seen many unhappy freshmen do on CC over the years. But I feel that your responses to SteveMa and argbargy might illustrate an aspect of the problem you can work on, if you choose. Here’s my best advice: assume good intent from everyone. </p>

<p>The posters here have taken time to consider your problem and have posted in an effort to be helpful (though I will agree that the phrase “whiney brat” is pretty off-putting - but the rest of argbargy’s post offers some true food for thought). If you’ve asked for similar advice in the past, people who have responded to you can be excused for wondering whether you’ve taken that advice, and why it might not have worked for you. So assuming that SteveMa’s response to your post was not meant helpfully doesn’t get you any closer to your goal.</p>

<p>I also admire you for considering sorority recruitment. It can be challenging for anyone, and maybe especially for someone who hasn’t found her social groove yet. (One of my ds was the Panhellenic VP for Recruitment her senior year at Vandy, so I do have some info here.) My specific advice on this would be to read carefully the materials you’ve gotten and pay attention to the guidelines for wardrobe and conversation. You don’t have to be a cookie-cutter recruit, but if you decide to give it a try, give it the try that will put you in the best position for success. Be open to every chapter, and even to the possibility that it’s just not your thing. Wishing you luck!</p>

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<p>After 20+ years working at universities, the one common denominator tha I see with happy, engaged, and successful students…they have all found an organization within the school that has a significant feel of esprit de corps.</p>

<p>While it is sound advice to find a student org you are interested in and join, the problem is that many of these orgs don’t really do much of anything and there clearly is no close knit group formed. Find a grou that does something on a regular basis together. For some, it might be the rugby club with practice 3 nights per week and games on Saturday. For others, t might be the Habitat for Humanity group where you do builds on weekends and organize regular fund raisers. It might even be the intramural officials association.The problem is tha most student orgs are poorly run and organized, you need to find a good one and get involved.</p>

<p>Certain majors also lend themselves to developing an esprit de corps. Your traditional majors of Econ, poli sci, biology, etc tend to not. Consider finding a second major in a close knit area. These are easy to find at some schools. At out local state university, close knit student majors include architecture, urban planning, computer science, env science, natural resource management, ag business, geography. Does Vandy have any unique majors that lend themselves to developing a close knit group?</p>

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<p>Steve’s post was meant to be helpful–mainly that the drama needs to stop. She has been told time and time again what she needs to do and how to do it but seems to be looking for some magical solution to her problems. The problem starts with her and her alone. She is abrasive and rude and that turns people off. She has admitted to such in past posts. Until she accepts this, nothing is going to change. She has this glorified picture of what things SHOULD be like-the “perfect fit” for a school, the “perfect college experience”, etc, etc., etc. Take what you have and make the most of it and stop looking for perfection–it doesn’t exist.</p>

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<p>I second frazzled’s post. If you are going to rush, try to get as much of information as you can about your school’s rush procedure. Go in with open mind, even if you should decide it is not for you later, you may make some friends in the process. Vandy is a southern school, they may require recommendation letters. My younger one is going to rush this Jan. She is getting a lot of tips from her older sister, so she will be better prepared than her sister few years back. If you think you do come on strong to new people, you may want to practice with your old high school friends this break. At my kid’s school, they need to visit every sorority the first 2 days, so D2 is making sure that she’ll have comfortable stylish shoes to walk in. It’s going to be tiring and stressful at times. Yes, pay attention to the wardrobe guidelines. They don’t have to be expensive, but need to be appropriate.</p>

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<p>My D felt socially isolated at her first school, a small LAC - and also at her transfer school, Vandy. She had trouble connecting on more than a superficial basis. Flash forward a few years, and she is still friends with people she met freshman year - even though she left at the end of that year. When she got to Vandy, she wasn’t surprised that it was tough to make friends, but she was surprised that it was harder than she thought it would be. She was not the least bit interested in rushing, so that was off the table. Slowly, she found her niche … she did a radio show, was involved in two student groups on a more-than-superficial basis, did internships, did summer reseearch, etc. She met musicians and students at other schools in the area by going to local shows. By the time she graduated, she had held leadership positions and had a group of friends — but to be honest, she never felt “part of” the social scene. That happens to students at colleges all over the country, large and small. It’s all a crapshoot. But she managed to have a good experience while getting a great education. Her very favorite thing about Vandy was when she did study abroad at University of Edinburgh … she recommends study abroad at a non-Vandy program, because the opportunity to meet students from other colleges was what she liked best.</p>

<p>Figure out how to study — including tutoring, visiting the writing center, talking to profs. Keep looking for a group that might work for you. Give it time, because it takes many students time to feel a part of college. My best wishes to you.</p>

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<p>I definitely agree that finding a club or activity could do the trick. College is hard and can be very isolating if you just do classes. Look on the school’s activity page on the school’s web site, if you don’t already know what activities there are, and then try to get yourself connected with one or more that seem interesting. That way you’ll have a group of like-minded people to talk to. You can always leave that activity and find something else if it doesn’t appeal. Getting involved in something besides classes seems to be key here.</p>

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<p>Honey, you can feel free to ignore any posts you don’t like- after checking just to see if there is anything good hiding in there. In that respect, the advice to go do some real good for others in need is valid. It can build internal satisfaction. The hard work can be fulfilling and a needed breather from the doubts. It can grow you past this focus. And, you usually find interesting, equally committed people to engage with.</p>

<p>Is sorority life reallly want you want? Because there are so many other ways to connect that don’t require that thing you seem to be, in part, complaining about: some of the conformity.</p>