<p>So my app for Stanford is due tomorrow (yes I realize this is really last minute), and I need input on my last unfinished supplement. I've been told it's a little off topic, so I may need to rewrite it. Please tell me what you think, and if I should choose a different topic or not.</p>
<p>Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.</p>
<p>Ever since I co-founded Ace of Shakes for a fundraiser two years ago, Ive learned the basics of how to run a business, the importance of communicating with strangers, and how to effectively work with teammates. As the chief financial officer, I was responsible for the very survival of our fledgling company. During the early days of our startup, I didnt even have a clue of where to start before I spent countless nights pouring over Excel spreadsheets and analyzing our financial situation. From securing our businesss initial loan to micromanaging our profit margins, I learned a great deal about how to keep a business afloat.
To even get a loan in the first place, I had to search for backers that would support our cause. After I contacted numerous parties, the Los Gatos Rotary Club decided to sponsor Ace of Shakes but only after we gave a presentation to persuade them. During the presentation, I couldnt help feeling a little pride as the other members of Ace of Shakes and I delivered a stellar oratory, centered around my solid financial plan and our companys diligent work ethic. I observed how effective our appeal was to the Rotary Club, and by using the same approach to potential consumers, we were able to make many more sales.
Things did not always go smoothly however, and because I was in a position of power, I was involved in many of the heated discussions that took place. Overcoming our disagreements was by far the most challenging obstacle our company faced, and it was also our most significant issue, one that would decide the future direction of Ace of Shakes. I realized how counter productive all the bickering was, so I was the first to compromise, by agreeing to lower profit margins. By giving up a little, our entire business gained as a whole, and we resumed our productivity as a result. This experience taught me that running a successful business isnt a one man operation, but a collective team effort.</p>
<p>It’s hard to say. Nothing much to criticize, but nothing that really stands out in much of a good way either. I also wrote about managing a business for my intellectual vitality essay, but I had tried to make it more of a personal experience involving serious hardship and isolation, rather than just ‘getting loans’ or ‘giving presentations’ or group mentality. Yours seems decent enough though, I probably wouldn’t change anything significant at this point tbh. Maybe work on the end like rebellion510 said for more of an impact</p>
<p>What I’m worried about is that my essay doesn’t really show any “intellectual development” as far people have told me. I have another essay in the works right now, so I’ll post it in a bit and see if it’s any better.</p>
<p>I think it definitely shows intellectual development, but you may want to phrase it more clearly. Maybe have your ending tie it in with the whole intellectual development. You learned from the experience and have grown intellectually from it, with greater knowledge involving both leadership and collaboration having been gained from the process. Make sure you emphasize growth/change/development/new understanding on both a personal and intellectual level</p>
<p>First off, it’s a very bad idea to post an essay on a public forum. You don’t want to take your chances of someone possibly plagiarizing part of this.</p>
<p>That being said, some technical stuff:
" During the early days of our startup, I didn’t even have a clue of where to start before I spent countless nights pouring over Excel spreadsheets and analyzing our financial situation." This sounds a bit awkward. Is it supposed to be, “where to start, so I spent?” I’m not sure where the emphasis is supposed to be in the phrase and it just sounds a bit weird. Also watch out for the word even, you don’t need to use it here because it’s redundant, and you also don’t have to use it in the other sentence, “To even get a loan in the first place.”</p>
<p>Like SAT128 said, it’s not bad and it’s hard to criticize (there are a few random comma splices you should get rid of though). But it doesn’t exactly stand out either. There’s no hook at the beginning that pulls me into your essay, and there’s no strong takeaway message at the end that I’m left with. The essay seems standard and reads predictably. Maybe change some of the formatting to make it less predictable and drive home the intellectual vitality aspect of the essay rather than it seeming like an essay about your fundraiser (also, what is Ace of Shakes?)</p>
<p>I think your essay can still work though, good luck editing it for tomorrow</p>
<p>Thank you for the feedback. I realize the essay is pretty average as they come, but what do you personally think about the relevance of the topic to “intellectual vitality and development?”</p>
<p>Running a business is a good topic, I think you just need to shift the focus on how the whole process racked your brain and promoted intellectual vitality rather than the events you actually did. Maybe one idea is to discuss different parts of your intellect – your work ethic, persuasion, and cooperation – and how running a business made you appreciate them more? The content seems mostly there but the focus seems more on the “what” of the events rather than “how” it shaped your intellectual development.</p>
<p>It’s a good thing you write up a new essay, as written this essay does not say a whit about intellectual vitality, I think it’s more or less an essay for business school.</p>
<p>Wildcat, I am not sure whether I am too late, but I see a critical error on the essay you posted. Every single sentence in you first paragraph starts with a prepositional phrase (I am not sure about the very first sentece, but I think you get my point). Varying sentence structure will help dramatically.</p>
<p>Oh, one more thing:
“Ever since I co-founded Ace of Shakes for a fundraiser two years ago, Ive learned the BASICS of how to run a business, the IMPORTANCE of communicating with strangers, and HOW TO effectively work with teammates.”
The parallel structure could be improved if you substitue “how to” with some other form of noun.</p>
<p>Honestly, I would try either a different experience or a different approach to this topic (seeing as it’s due in 6.5 hours)</p>
<p>“Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development”</p>
<p>Running a business has taught you how to run a business. That doesn’t generalize to the rest of your development very well, in my opinion. Just an opinion, but I feel like Stanford is looking for something more overarching; something that fundamentally changed how you approach the world, not just something you learned. (As an extreme example, you shouldn’t write about how a physics class taught you that F=ma and that to move things faster you need more force.) While it was probably a meaningful experience, you need to generalize the effect on your development more in my opinion, and spend less time giving the details of what you did. It’s an essay to answer their prompt, not a plug on a business you started; you can slide that into extra info or something.</p>