<p>Hi, just sending an introductory note,
I am the mother of a Yale freshman and a high school junior who so far does not want to think about college, which is OK, but sometime soon she will want to begin realizing that she does not have to compare herself to her older sister. I'm always interested in anyone's thoughts on how to talk about college without having it seem loaded. I think she's a great candidate for many schools, but the kids seem to worry a lot these days.</p>
<p>Welcome, cwoodside!
I have two girls who are as different as night and day and sometimes worry that the younger one will think she needs to be as high-achieving as her older sister. She's only in 8th grade, so we don't need to think about colleges yet, but her sister is a hard act to follow...</p>
<p>Welcome!</p>
<p>The approach we took was, instead of picking well-known schools and trying to fit my son into them, we put together a list of schools at every level of selectivity, that fit my son really well. He never even looked at the US News or other ratings, just read descriptions in guide books and then visited. As it happened, none of the Ivy League schools sounded like a good fit to him, so he didn't apply to any of them. He decided he wanted a small LAC so we looked at ones where the students described in the guides sounded the most like him. If you approach it from a "fit" perspective rather than a ratings perspective, she should be able to find some schools she feels great about. I only have one child though, so we didn't have the comparison factor.</p>
<p>There are people, and you've probably run into them, who are convinced that any Ivy is better than any non-Ivy and they don't hesitate to express this in front of kids going through the admissions process, so even if you don't "load" things for her, somebody else might. I never figured out a good response to this.</p>
<p>If your daughter is intellectual and quirky, I'd be happy to PM you an excellent list for someone who fits that description. You certainly will get a lot of info and support here.</p>
<p>IF she goes to the same h.s. as her older sister, she's probably hearing too much comparison already. Have a chat with the guidance counselor (same one? same last name?) and if you hear her extolling the older D, call her on it and ask her to stop mentioning it any more to your younger D. It is HUGELY irrelevant now.</p>
<p>If the older sister has kindness and sensitivity, perhaps SHE could become a voice in this conversation. Talk first to the older sister to plan for a 3-way meeting during the holiday that is all about the younger sister's strength areas. The older D could also try to play match-up between her sister's strengths and a list of some 20 schools you just bring to the table with a wide range of attributes; some quirky, some artsy, some in beautiful sunny locations. (Bethie's list would be a great start point!) Run to a computer together and view the websites, ooh and ahh together.</p>
<p>Some (not all) kids who go off to Ivy universities come back with a wider understanding of college education, on behalf of others. Tell the older D you really need her now, and the way she can help her little sister is to help her diversify her thinking about colleges. </p>
<p>I know that puts the older D in the authority position again, but hey, she's the elephant in the room. So if she starts singing a different tune than Yale, younger D might take notice. Actually older D would be a consultant/advisor, not the authority.</p>
<p>My oldest has helped out in so many ways with the younger 2, but I always have to clue him in first and tell him the kind of help I need from him. Then, I call a "family meeting," but I don't leave it up to chance. I prepare the key players. And S loves the younger ones; he'd be the last to want to jam them up. Asking a college kid for "help" as a college advisor is really a great thing to do, if the kid is reasonably kind and there's no hatred between sibs.</p>
<p>Great things happen at family meetings for us. I hope it might for you, too.</p>
<p>Hi, I have twin Jr Ds and I get the whole comparison thing. Everywhere they turn people are asking "Who's smarter?" and "Are you going to the same college."</p>
<p>bethie gives good advice. Your D will probably start thinking about schools some time soon and she will be reassured by an emphasis on looking for good fit rather than prestige. It's tough though bc you don't want to imply that Ivy is out of reach. Good Luck!</p>
<p>bethie seems to have nailed it. If fit is the major factor considered, both kids will be winners! If a student finds the perfect school for him/her it's impossible not to be at as good a school as a sibling because they're both at the perfect school.</p>
<p>This happened for my kids, only the younger one had the slightly better stats, a slightly more well-rounded EC profile and is a boy, which was much appreciated at some schools. He was accepted at schools D was rejected at. However, since she is at the perfect school for her, Barnard, D was not threatened by this at all.</p>
<p>BTW: A close friend has a junior at Yale. Her second daughter doesn't have the same level of accomplishments as her sister. They are focusing on women's colleges for schools with the same academic punch and are less competitive in terms of admissions.</p>
<p>Welcome! Having an older accomplished sibling can put a lot of pressure on a kid even if you don't. She may be afraid to even think about college if she doesn't feel she's as good of a student as her older sister. My D has two accomplished older siblings. She finally relaxed when she found a "safety" school that she really liked. Now if she doesn't get into any of her reaches, she knows she'll be able to go to a school that she really likes. You might want to think about helping her find safety schools first.</p>
<p>It's great that you recognize that the younger one doesn't have to be like the big one! The older one obviously has great intellect and work ethic, but I'm sure the younger one has amazing qualities that will be nurtured at whatever college she selects.</p>
<p>CWoodside - I agree with Muffy, recognizing that the younger D doesn't have to be like the older D is half the battle. Our discrete inquiries into younger D's thoughts made clear she wanted separation from older D, so that's what we did. We visited a bunch of schools that were a "match" for younger D but were different from those older D toured. The key to getting younger D on board was to tour colleges with one of her classmates. Recommended!</p>
<p>Hi cwoodside - we should talk! Our first D is a soph at Harvard and our second is a HS senior who just finished her college applications. D1 was a local celebrity who does everything to the max - including obsessing over college applications. D2 is equally accomplished but less vocal and lived most of her life in her older sister's shadow. D2 watched her sister's college exploration and application experience and it filled her with dread. We've had to push and prod every step of the way to get her to even talk about college options, despite the fact that D2's resume eventually grew to mirror her sister's. I think all will be well that ends well - I'll let you know, since we seem to have parallel families with ours one year in advance of yours.</p>
<p>A word of warning. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that the LAC's are easier to get into than the top Universities. Because of the gender gap in LAC applications they are surprisingly difficult for a non-urm, non-recruited athlete, non-legacy, female to get into, especially near the top. Even if the fit seems better at an LAC for No. 2, look around for some universities with an LAC feel that might work for her and add them to the mix.</p>