It never fails to amaze me just how different humans are - and how so many feel we ought to all be alike.
For some, thanking comes naturally. For others it doesn’t. It doesn’t mean either are more grateful. It’s just human nature for the response. Someone can send a card and still roll their eyes thinking they just deserve X making them less grateful than someone who deeply appreciates something in their heart, but isn’t aware they need to communicate it to the giver (because that particular giver expects it).
I tend to put more pettiness on those who feel everyone has to react just like they do on all the small stuff. To me, this qualifies as small stuff.
Maybe it’s cultural, but growing up in a Hispanic family makes me completely comfortable with calling my sib and saying, “BTW, you’re welcome. Now make sure my niece applies each year because there is more cash to be had.” $-)
It’s rude. no doubt about it. Agree that you should ask niece to sent TY to the committee. Maybe she’ll get the hint that she should also thank you." As for subsequent years’ $$$, perhaps simply let your *niece know that she can apply for more for years 2 - 4, but leave the follow-up to her. (You might also suggest to your company that it raise the bar a bit on this very generous scholarship - it sounds pretty much like a lottery now).
I know, I always nagged our S&D about sending TY notes. I’ve also bought plenty of $25 or $50 gift cards for folks that have really gone out of their way for me (or my family) to inadequately express gratitude.
It doesn’t sound to me like the amount of effort put out by OP was significant in terms of what she had to do to make her niece aware of this scholarship. Yes the upside to her niece and the niece’s parents was significant and yes the niece should thank the giving organization for the scholarship and yes it would be appropriate to tell the niece she should thank the giving organization. But I struggle to understand why OP is so offended by the lack of a personal thank you that it would cause her to want to make sure her niece doesn’t benefit from three more years of the scholarship.
If OP had to spend a lot of her own time facilitating her niece’s application for this scholarship then yes I agree a personal thank you was warranted. But even in that scenario I can’t see withholding info about availability for future years.
I don’t understand this reasoning. If the expression of thanks is proportionate to the size of the gift does that mean a colleague who can afford to send $1,000 as a wedding gift gets a bigger show of thanks than Grandma who scraped together $100 from her social security checks? I don’t think the size of the scholarship matters, and it’s certainly no justification for not giving the niece information about the rules for renewal.
@teahour I am surprised that not many feel the way I do. If I were you – and I am not telling you to do anything – I would not tell them of additional, follow-up opportunities and would not feel guilty or petty at all. I place utmost importance in saying thanks, and if I think you don’t owe them anything. However, you waited several months, so wait for some more. And if they still don’t say thanks, forget about it. No big deals. By the way, I am the kind of person who contributes to charities and helps out my friend’s kids when they raise money to go on some school sponsored trips, and I always get profuse thanks. If they did not thank me, I would no longer feel like making contributions. I don’t think this makes you petty; it’s just that to you, acknowledgment is very important to you. After all, human beings live partly to be appreciated.
For me saying thank you is a pretty basic standard for all, sort of like not biting someone. Learned by kindergarten and expected thereafter. I can accept differences on the manner, timing and content of the thanks. But basic gratitude is non debatable to me, sort of like not being bitten.
Honestly I feel as if I or my child received a $10,000 scholarship I would already be doing the research to see if it is renewable and what is required to renew it. The assumption is all involved are adults and they certainly have the capability to figure this out on their own. Even if that means just coming to you to ask if you know if it is renewable. If they ask share and say “you’re welcome”. If they don’t they are on their own.
This certainly is true for larger organizations. We’ve always given to charities and one time when we came into a larger amount of money we gave larger amounts. All of a sudden we were getting phone calls of thanks from a couple organizations. It blew my mind - and showed me just how much it was the money to them - not the intent - that mattered. We never gave another cent to the organizations that called us vs those that just sent the typical letter of thanks (and for taxes). Not only did I dislike the change in attitude over amount given, I figured it was a waste of my money employing people to make the phone calls. There are enough charitable causes out there that we found replacements we like just as much.
After reading this thread I can see where some wouldn’t have given another cent if they didn’t get a personal call of thanks, so I suppose it’s a tough situation for those organizations.
Again, this is a point of privilege. If the parents have never gone to college (and IDK if they have, if it’s been said, I missed it), they might not know. My parents learned that I had to reapply for aid every year as an undergrad and thus they were really confused as to why I didn’t have to submit FAFSA/other yearly forms as a phd student.
They might not know, you are correct. But they do know they got $10000 dollars. And whether they went to college or not they should have some motivation to figure out if they can get that again next year. They don’t have to know all the ins and outs of college financial aid to ask their relatives if it’s possible to get it again. And a simple thank you while asking that question is not out of line.
I would attempt to mentor this niece a bit. Take her out to eat if she/you are in the same area. Talk to her about ‘the ways of the world’.
Even though DD1 was raised with manners like DD2, sometimes DD1 doesn’t come off as being so gracious. Observed by me, and separately by DD2. So DD1 was glad for the feedback because she wants to correct (she is now 24).
Mentor her through - if she is a strong student, tell her about the follow up scholarship application. If she is ‘bombing’ college her first year, see what she is doing wrong and see if she can correct her academic path.
I remember being amused that when my son got one of those college book prizes our high school gave them the address of who to thank and instructions to not forget to send a thank you note. Obviously, lots of kids weren’t sending notes without strong hints from the school.
I agree with most here. The OP should look upon this as an opportunity to mentor her clueless niece.
^^already helped her get 10k with no gratitude from parents or student, now supposed to pay for her meal and mentor her? Really? I would not feel it is my job to fix a grown sibling or their grown child.
Agree with above poster that it is up to each individual to determine what acknowledgement or thanks means to them in each situation. Frankly, if she helps the kid get any more money I think OP will feel even worse about it. She should let it go and let them figure it out without any more of her freely given input. See what happens going forward without doing a darn thing. That will be more fun to see how it plays out. (Insert evil laugh here.) OP did her part, she should move on from the entire situation unless asked, and thanked.
My daughter got an additional merit grant at her lac school. It was about $1,000. She had to go to a dinner to meet the donor. She really didn’t want to since of course she had other things to do and kinda strange to have to sit with a elderly couple for dinner. Once we told her what if it was you being the donor… Wouldn’t it be cool to meet the student you were helping and learn how their money is being spent so they will continue to donate in future years? That clicked with her. These young students need to be taught lessons. Please help teach these to your niece. As I stated before…your giving her the best gift ever … An Education
This whole thread blows me away. Be kind. Help your nieces and nephews (and their parents). Give them the benefit of the doubt that they are ignorant of certain societal rules, not willfully rude. And then help educate them, kindly. I would do that for my family as I love them and I hope they would do that for me and mine. Really.
The OP said the $10,000 helped with the parent contribution for college costs.
Maybe the rest of her costs were covered with merit aid from her school…and the unsubsidized Direct Loan. If that is the case, her outside scholarship would not have reduced her aid at all.
It’s need based aid that is reduced when an outside scholarship is received.
Unless I missed it, OP isn’t requesting a gift, letter, a telephone call or any bootlicking. Sounds like a mere “thank you” from a parent or the teen would have been sufficient. How can anyone characterize that at as oversight or faux paus? How often do people give you a free $10,000? Lots of very forgiving folks here. The family sounds like mooching jerks I’d no longer associate with. Life’s too short.
I promise, this is the last time I’ll chime in here. I’m just repeatedly gobsmacked by so many of these comments.
Jesus. It’s not like the OP personally wrote a 10k check out of her limited savings. The OP let the family know about a scholarship opportunity.
And “fix” her niece? No. She’d be trying to help her niece.
FWIW, my dad’s side of the family acts put out every time they do something as simple as buying a meal for someone. They’re all very well off (we’re not) but they mentally keep score of who does what and who hasn’t paid their “fair share.”
It’s one of the many reasons why I have no relationship with most of his family.
We’ve helped our siblings-in-law and nephew (soon to be nieces, too) extensively over the last several years. I’m sure they’ve thanked us but I can’t recall a specific instance of a thank you. But helping each other is what family does and I hope beyond anything that one day I can help my niblings achieve their goals- in this case, higher ed. Because I love them and that’s just what you do for people you love.