Niece nor her parents thanked us for $10,000 per year scholarship

Parent Cafe
141

I’m fascinated with the varied responses. I brought this topic up at dinner with friends tonight. Like this thread, the responses covered a range of opinions.

I prefer to be kind and show compassion. I could never knowingly facilitate a hardship of this magnitude on someone.

I easily find satisfaction in knowing I did a good deed even if the recipient is ungrateful and undeserving.

I guess I’m an eternal optimist quick to forgive, don’t hold a grudge, and believe the undeserving will eventually pay it forward.

142

“But helping each other is what family does”

I think that’s the issue here, the OP does not think the people she helped is family, and expecting a natural show of appreciation, as opposed to a forced show, may not happen in this situation.

143

Since OP is a new poster, we obviously don’t know much about her. We can only go off of the 11 posts she’s made on this thread which are the total of her CC posting history.

Here’s some bits that struck me:

"But you already probably knew that these relatives have no manners.

That’s fair to conclude. But I suppose we figured the magnitude of this award — a free $10,000 certainly far exceeds any previous gesture — would elevate their etiquette, at least slightly."

“By the way, it was won several months ago. We’ve been biting our tongue for months thinking we’d get a thank you at the open house. Or maybe around move-in time”

“For lack of a better word, it’s trashy and I’m honestly disgusted with them. I also know if the $10,000 was out of their checking account they probably wouldn’t have a new leased car in their garage. I should also say this isn’t the first time they’ve acted a bit uncouth, but the $10,000 would top any previous gestures by a large margin.”

MY THOUGHTS:

Since there is no mention of brother or sister by the OP, just mention of a niece and “her parents”, I’m guessing this is her husband’s sibling. OP can correct me if I’m wrong but if true, her husband should deal with it.

There is obviously family history here which taints the reaction.

Since you point out at least twice that you weren’t surprised given their past behavior, why have you waited months? As soon as you were made aware that niece received the scholarship, you should have point blank stated to niece and her parents that a letter of appreciation to your and your husband’s employer should be sent out right away. Instead you said nothing. Why would you sit on that for months? Did you not think that acknowledgement to your employer to be important enough?

However, this thread obviously wasn’t about your company receiving thanks (you know, the entity that actually gave the $10K?!), it was all about you getting what you deemed to be proper thanks. Of your 11 posts on the subject, it wasn’t until your 6th post that you chose to bring up that tidbit about the employer receiving no acknowledgement of gratitude, which actually to me is the most egregious faux pas, which I find telling.

Yes, they all most definitely should have thanked you but to me that isn’t cause for you to reciprocate with your own bad acting. As the old adage says, “Two wrongs don’t make a right”.

There is room here to do two things - fix the situation and be the bigger person. Contact your niece ASAP and explain that you’ve found out your company didn’t receive a thank you letter. If this is your husband’s family, then he should be the one doing it. Explain that every other scholarship recipient did. Explain why it is important that she do so now ASAP - future money to be applied for over the next 3 years that she risks consideration for (include info on reapplying) and also that it reflects badly on you and your spouse as employees. Word it so that you don’t think they are being intentionally rude and that you are just trying to help them out by helping them understand how the process works. Do it by email and cc the parents. I’m sure folks here can help with wording if you feel stuck finding the right words and a non-judgmental tone. This is salvageable. After that point, you can reassure yourself you’ve made an honest attempt to take the high road. If they take it poorly, then that’s on them. If they rise to the occasion and amend things after receiving your email, forgive and move on.

p.s. The leased car is beside the point and irrelevant to the discussion IMO.

144

Is this for real?

People actually sit around and wait to be thanked when they tip off someone to a good opportunity?

Yes, of course the student should have sent a thank you - to the company.

Your role in the whole process ended when you said “niece - you should apply to this scholarship at our company.” The end.

It is your niece. You can help the family pay for college with NOTHING out of your pocket . And this is really a question?

Do the right thing and move on. Don’t expect or wait for thanks. The reward is doing the right thing.

145

I think meeting with niece and explaining that thank you notes to company are expected and have been sent by other scholarship recipients would be helpful.

When I was a student and received merit awards, the foundation gave me names and contact info to write thank you notes, which I promptly did Every year.

When S got merit awards from his U, he was not given any info on whom to thank and never wrote any letters thanking anyone, to the best of my knowledge.

Providing info on whom to address the company thank you note to niece would be a kindness, as would telling her about renewal options.

146

Say: “If you plan on reapplying next year, it would be advisable to write a letter of thanks to the company for this year.”

147

Better part of my job is networking with people in my business. If I do not thank someone for doing an introduction or reciprocate in some ways later on then I could pretty much kiss the association away. To get a referral and guidance from an insider is priceless. I am careful about who I introduce and recommend because I do not want it to reflect badly on me.
To say OP’s usefulness/contribution ended when she told the niece about the scholarship is not exactly correct.
The reason so few people applied for this scholarship (and why the niece got it so easily) is probably so few employees bothered to let their family and friends know. I think it should be acknowledged the OP did a good thing.

148

I’d definately say something to both the adults and the niece. At the very least, she needs to do a written thank you to the organization. Sometimes it takes a village. Maybe they are ignorant of societal norms. You would be doing the niece a favor letting her know the expectations. If the parents aren’t aware, you are doing them a favor. If they are just lazy or inconsiderate, now they’ll know you noticed. Whatever.

D has a full tuition scholarship from a named donor. Each year, there is a get-together held at the college where all recipients are expected to attend, have a nice semi-formal dinner, and thank their individual donor in person. Honestly, that’s the least they should do. There are some small presentations but its really just a very nice way to help these students acknowledge the huge financial gifts they are receiving. Personally, I wish the parents were invited as well.

149

@teahour… You have more then enough suggestions here. I wish there was a poll thing with selections to pick. There seems to be an overwhelming concensous if that is what your after.

So… What are you going to do? More suggestions are just repeats of the same.

Maybe do it today and report back?

Good Luck.

150

“I think it should be acknowledged the OP did a good thing.”

Of course it was a good thing. All the more reason not to spoil it by doing the wrong thing now.

151

Somewhere upstream someone mentioned a teenager’s lack of knowledge re the post office. It’s really true (not an excuse for not being polite). Kids today (young through mid 20s) grew up in the electronic era. They don’t go to the post office, write checks, go to a bank branch, write letters, know where the stamp goes on an envelope, etc. God help them if they ever lose their phones or get hacked as they do virtually all their commerce online. S actually told me he can’t believe certain stores around campus don’t accept Venmo as a payment option and that hardly anyone buys goods their because it’s a hassle. My wife is an educator (elementary school) and told me they don’t teach cursive writing any more, haven’t for years. That astonished me. But these kids don’t write, they text or email or whatever.

It’s all very strange to us. My guess is we were very strange to our parents but to a lesser degree simply because the speed of technological advances has literally sped up change.

Unfortunately, basic manners like thank you notes, holding doors open, giving up a seat for a senior, etc. are fading away. I guess if it’s only important to us, it won’t matter at all when we’re gone. Pretty sad.

152

I totally agree with @austinmshauri @teahour what do you have against direct communication? This passive aggressive plan of yours seems so immature. Based on your negative opinions of the family (as evidenced by the name-calling in this thread) and your judgement of their car purchase - my guess is they might not like you very much as well.
We obviously only have your POV but geez I’d avoid a relative who was angry, vengeful and vindictive if I could. Try direct communication.

153

Bingo! @chercheur

154

“FWIW, we were privy to the family’s stress about coming up with their family contribution.”

While they should show some gratitude (and maybe they will in the future), the most important point is you are helping a kid get a college education that they would not have otherwise, that is your “thank you”.

155

The woman managed to file the scholarship application, and receive notice of its award, so whatever method was used (USPS, fedex, email) for that could have been used for a courtesy thank you note. Out of curiosity, do posters feel that OP needs to inform niece of every job opening at the company as well? Presumably this woman will be seeking employment at some time. Is the only relevant factor the family relationship, more than anything else?

156

If you did not write the check out of your own pocket, then you did only what a good family member would do. You gave non monetary advice and assistance. Many here on CC have helped strangers identify and apply for scholarships. Thanks is sometimes offered and sometimes not.

157

I’m not saying the following is how the OP would react, but anyone could appear anywhere in this spectrum and someone else would agree.

Scenario 1 - someone offers no thanks of any kind… I’m appalled and will never again help them.
Scenario 2 - someone says thank you, but it isn’t heartfelt… I’m appalled and will never help them again.
Scenario 3 - someone says thank you, but not in writing… I’m appalled and will never help them again.
Scenario 4 - someone sends a thank you note, but it isn’t heartfelt… I’m appalled and will never help them again.
Scenario 5 - someone sends a thank you note, but no gift… I’m appalled and will never help them again.
Scenario 6 - someone sends a gift, but it’s not extravagant enough for what I did… I’m appalled and will never help them again.

Who are we to judge?

158

No idea what you are trying to say, @randyerika. Some recipients will be ungrateful for anything, some will be grateful for anything, some are in between. Same with the donors. Doesn’t mean we abandon all standards of civility and polite interaction.

159

@romanigypsyeyes We’re 100% with you. We’re family and help each other because it’s just the way we are. No regrets at all.

160

oldfort wrote:

“Part of my job is networking…” “To say the OPs usefulness/contribution ended when she told the niece about the scholarship is not exactly correct.”

I agree with what oldfort wrote. If the OP cared enough to get involved in the first place, OP should follow through. jmho

OP walked niece and parents through the scholarship application process step by step, (OP’s words) presumably because that level of help was necessary. If the OP was interested enough to do that, it wouldn’t take another hour to ask the niece if she had written thanks to the company, give her a model to follow, and explain how this is in her self interest. That’s what seems really important to me in the long run. It would take more time to follow up to see if she actually did it.

People have to learn this stuff. It may seem like common sense to those whose parents and social group just taught these skills by example. Even in that sort of situation, some of us have to keep on our kids until they finally develop the maturity to do it themselves, and we do it mainly because we want them to become successfully launched adults.

It may somehow turn out that getting this niece successfully launched is of greater long term benefit to the OP, and the OP’s family, than an immediate show of gratitude. Maybe it will be in the OP’s self interest, if that is the concern here. Maybe it means OP won’t be asked for financial help from this family in the future. Maybe the niece becomes wildly successful and helps out the OP’s children or grandchildren in the future. This could be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Just a thought.