Everyone here is giving you great advice. The issue is when they suggest you make her stay or “do this or that” they are missing the fact that she is a fully legal adult woman.
You can’t technically make her “do” anything. Unfortunately.
You are going to have to make some tough decisions.
Withdraw all funding and see how that goes. Perhaps she finds alternative funding somehow and goes anyway.
Work with her counselor on Friday and see if she can come to this decision on her own.
One tack, is to reach out to her friend sharing the flat. If you can trust her to keep this in strict confidence, perhaps she can help your daughter see the light.
Perhaps frame this as a short term issue. Get a medical deferral for the first term. Pay the for her portion of the apartment to keep it available for second term.
Ask her to work on her illness and health in the summer and fall through Christmas.
You will be able assess her health and mental state. You will be able to have real time data from the flat mates and friend on the safety concerns over those months. Maybe it is perfectly fine or the friends themselves make it clear to her it’s not a good spot.
If she is better and the apartment has been ok, let her go back and complete the term.
Perhaps in the fall you can visit there in person and stay a few days. Share the room and a few days of coming and going. It might be fine.
There are three issues here, IMO.
- The eating disorder which can be the most dangerous of all. It’s something that clearly frightens the parent and for good reason. If parents feel they cannot trust their daughter not to relapse, they are crazy to be paying for her to have this opportunity to do so.
- The apartment in which the parent does not want her daughter living. Why the heck are you paying for something that you do clearly do not want?
- The other issue is the fact that DD is willing to threaten demise via Eating disorder to get her way. You really want to let your daughter blackmail you that way? What message are you sending here? Giving in to that kind threat is setting yourself up for this sort of thing for a long time? People who threaten harm to themselves and others are dangerous. Your daughter is clearly dangerous right now.
Ladies, I am literally IN TEARS right now. This is the first time I have posted on a board like this and I am beyond words touched with the support… and the absolutely spot-on advice and clarity from each and every thoughtful post. <3 Funny thing, I did not hit refresh and when I did I was literally swamped with dozens of thoughtful, caring, supportive and intuitive advice all at once!!! Each and every one of you have helped me see this situation differently…each with a unique voice to help me to work through what I’m feeling. I suppose it is much easier to see all of the problems and issues involved when it is anonymous, but THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!
YESSS…this was her dream University (in world rankings at least top world 3) and she worked day and night to get into this school…so, OMG it is a CRUSHING blow to think about not going back. She is NOT well though…and honestly I am NOT relaxed. You have all called me out on EVERYTHING!
It IS SO CLEARLY a life and death situation. Thinking back just a few weeks ago during her finals I felt that…I waited to hear news from her every day for fear that she wasn’t going to make it through the night.
I absolutely love the tangible ideas proposed too. Making a plan for the session…the weigh-ins. We did a blood exam her last visit home and thankfully it all was balanced (looking for heart minerals I think). Dentist visit was okay…so far this thing is HOPEFULLY contained to “just” losing about 30 pounds. Her progress that I speak of is that she is sometimes eating “normally”…If we go out she will eat pizza or “normal” food from time to time but for the most part, it is still diet food…and 94 pounds is unreal. 
The doctor couldn’t even use the adult cuff on her arm for the bp. Her bicep is seriously the size of my wrist. This is so SO serious, I know. I want to pretend it will get better on its own but in 2 months she has not gained anything…She PROMISES me though…and she talks as if everything is under control. It is just that I so badly want to believe that.
Emotional blackmail? ABSOLUTELY! And yes I do need to see the psychiatrist too. I have 3 other kids and ALLLLLLL of my energy and attention these last few months (and TEARS) are going to her. I can’t manage to feel well because this has taken over. I feel badly for my other 3… it is truly a nightmare. The housing, the eating…our relationship connection because she is so MAD at me for saying she still has a problem!!! Inpatient might be a very good idea. We will be in the USA soon…and we might best use the time at a good facility there.
I’m SO overwhelmed. Thank you for the support and if anyone has suggestions for how I should handle the family session I would be so thankful (me, her dad and her).
Off to bed to TRY to sleep. Thanks to all of you. <3
aboutthesame- I had a suicidal roommate in college, so I respectfully disagree with your post. The night I called my roommates parents to tell them that she was heading to the ER and their reaction was “again?” was one of the worst moments of my life. They knowingly sent off a kid with serious psychiatric issues to live with a total stranger (me) who was supposed to be monitoring their daughter for depression?
No. Not right. You don’t inflict your kids issues on someone else because you’re afraid to tell your kid no.
The D is going to be able to pay her share of the apartment in London without parental support? No. So it’s simple- the checkbook is closed until the D tackles her medical issues.
If the parents have been in denial about how serious the kids eating issues are, five minutes of googling will fix that.
Yes, you made some mistakes here. We all make mistakes. Generally, when you give carte Blanche to your kid to find a place to live, once it’s a done deal, you hold your nose and pay if you check it out at the 11th hour and find it does not meet your standards. But… and this is a big but… if the place is tolerably DANGEROUS, if it crosses that line of yours that you do not want to contribute to this situation, yes, get the heck out. Sorry you did not make it clear but it’s not what you will pay for. At what flicking point do you draw that line? It’s entirely up to you.
I have a friend whose son had a drug problem. Kid did everything he was told to do and did his two years at local cc and was ready to go away to college with some old friends already there. Upon helping son move in , friend finds clear evidence that her son is moving into a drug den. Yeah, the roommates are all drug users. Kid says doesn’t make a difference; he’s clean etc etc. Friend said, sorry. Deal is off Unacceptable. Not going to do it.
Everyone has those lines. You have to figure out where yours are with regard to your DD. I’m ignoring the most important part of this situation with your DD as we’ve all come up with what we have to say about eating disorders. So I’m addressing the apartment issue. Its your money. If you made a mistake not checking out the place , then you eat the sunken cost, have to pay for finding another place if you can afford it. Or it’s not happening. Too bad you messed up. Doesn’t mean, you have to live with paying for a place that is not acceptable to you. If you pay you are saying it’s acceptable. Just that you are going to complain. Big difference.
So you need to look at how you are handling issues with your DD. With 3 more kids, there will be a lot of issues, a lot of mistakes and you need to be clear as to what you can accept with a grimace and pay, and what is sheer insanity for you to accept and pay
I appreciate your response @blossom. I felt someone needed to speak from the kid’s perspective.
Good lord 5’7" and 94 pounds? I have some authority speaking here, because I had anorexia and then bulimia and know very well what is going on. Are you sure your daughter isn’t vomiting when she seems to be eating well? Or purging in some other way the next day?
People with eating disorders can NOT see the light. Parents need to see it. Please.
I do know people with eating disorders, who were very thin, and nevertheless continued with their lives during treatment, but those people also attempted suicide, or were carried into a hospital when they fainted, had heart issues, or infections that needed IV’s.
I understand you feel powerless and are afraid of her anger.
I strongly strongly urge you to get in touch with some of the excellent eating disorder programs now in existence.
At this point, you can tell her that if she wants any chance at all at going, she has to do a hospital program. Leave it to the hospital folks to decide on residential versus day program. And let the professionals decide on whether she is able to go to London or not.
At 5’7" and 94 pounds she is already on the road to dying. Sorry. And understand this is not something that gets better easily, or in months. Understand the subterfuge and resistance from patients who are desperate about weight and food. Understand the kind of 24/7 expertise that may be needed.
And she needs to understand that like getting cancer or any other serious disease, this is life-changing. It is not anyone’s fault. It is an ILLNESS. It may indeed reroute her life. But you are not the one to tell her.
Please get the appropriate professionals involved and get her to a program, no matter what she does in the fall.
@Householdceo, I’m going to give you another piece of VERY IMPORTANT advice. Please let your other kids talk to a counselor, at least once. You may think they are fine. They may insist they are fine. But there is a good chance that at least one of them is not. They may be trying to hold it together since they know you’re going through a tough time with their sibling.
This is what happened to us - we thought our youngest child was OK after her two older brothers were diagnosed with serious mental illnesses. She insisted she was fine. She kept making good grades, socializing, etc. But her Girl Scout leader called and told me she thought D was struggling. She was right! I took D to a counselor and doctor and she was diagnosed with anxiety. She later told me she was trying to be the “normal” kid. Now when I speak to groups of parents, this is the message I try to get across. The other kids suffer when a sibling has a mental or physical illness, and they usually don’t tell their parents.
@compmom You are 100 percent correct at the seriousness of the situation. But I do have to disagree about the need for the person with the problem to find a way to be open to being helped.
“Parents can see the light” as you suggest and still requires the adult to agree. Talk to any parent of an addicted child. Unless you are suggesting involuntary commitment, how do you make her do anything without being cooperative.
This doesn’t mean letting her go off and out of sight if you are paying the bills. Tough love, reason and compassion need to be applied in equal measures.
This is incredibly important but unless the young adult goes along with the program it doesn’t work.
Unless you can help me understand how to “make her” or techniques you have at your disposal, it’s a balance.
I encounter the problems of addiction everyday and I am all ears. Really. It just hasn’t been that cut or dry in my experience.
@privatebanker, I hinted at this issue but good you brought it up (" Understand the subterfuge and resistance from patients who are desperate about weight and food.")
- parents can see if involuntary commitment is possible, since an eating disorder with that kind of weight loss could certainly be argued to be a “danger to self.” The problem then is how to extend the 3 day hold.
2)parents can say, as I suggested in my post, that the daughter has a chance to go to London in the fall if she agrees to a program
- parents can say they can’t condone or pay for a semester in London with a life-threatening illness, and if the daughter gets mad and leaves, wait it out and hope she comes back or hits bottom or whatever
- if the relationship can tolerate it, a real talk, either parent to child or in therapy, about the dangers of going and the need for help. With eating disorders this rarely works but I wanted to include it.
I have personal experience with all four of these with one of mine, actually. Different illness but onset at 18. It worked out.
I don’t know what else to say. Supporting the daughter going to London in this case is being complicit. I doubt that a summer at home without intensive treatment is going to help.
One other thing, eating disorders become entrenched and hold on for years. If the onset of this is recent there is still a chance to nip it in the bud.
This family is not living in the US now- so the three day hold might not be relevant. We don’t know the laws of where the family lives.
OP- big hug to you. As they tell you on the plane- put on your own oxygen mask before you help your kids. Whether it’s a counselor, a friend who listens without judging, or finding your own therapist- take care of yourself right now. As the old saw goes- you are only as happy as the least happy of your children, which means you must be miserable right now.
Is your husband on the same page as you about the severity of her medical needs?
Can your D’s doctor give you a referral to a nutritionist who works with patients with eating disorders? That’s an important step- eating a slice of pizza occasionally is not being cured. A nutritionist who works with this population will coordinate with your D’s counselor/therapist on goal setting, and will likely insist on frequent weigh in’s and check in’s.
I have two suggestions for the therapy session (in addition to the file card notes-- so you have some semblance of structure in case things go off the rails which they often do).
1- Keep the discussion focused on your D’s health. Try not to allow the “oh but she worked so hard for this” conversation to erupt. It’s irrelevant- if she developed hepatitis, you wouldn’t be sending her off to college without a treatment plan, no matter how hard she’d worked, right? First things first- you’d get her treated.
2-If you and your H are not on the same page- come to an agreement between the two of you to table whatever issues you’ve got so you present a united front.
big, big hug to you. You can do this. Your love for your kids comes out in your posts.
Her illness is life threatening. The issue is that eating disorders masquerade as “being disciplined”. There’s a sense of pride in the ascetism. Except…it’s life threatening. What she sees as “being disciplined” you must see as “life threatening” to save her because she won’t see it that way till she’s healed.
Think of it this way: if your child had cancer would you send her back where there’s no guarantee of treatment just because she’s threatening not to talk with you all summer?
You’d say “okay, you will give us the silent treatment, but we’ll save your life”. And you’d get your child medical treatment till the doctor says she’s out of the woods medically.
Saving her life is more important than her current understanding of happiness. Yes she’ll scream, because she’s in denial. Her illness means she doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with her. She doesn’t “see herself”. She thinks she’s fat and that by not eating she’s showing how disciplined and dedicated she is. She’s hiding it from you because ou don’t understand and you want to ruin her life.
You can call her adviser and learn what should be done for a medical leave. Learn whether YOU can do it. Don’t discuss it with our daughter before learning about it - learn what needs to be done first, then discuss it with your therapist then with hers. Make sure it’s done properly so she can return later on.
British advisers are very hands off: for hers to be concerned, there was a HUGE red flag. Basically they’re telling you she shouldn’t be there right now. Not for intellectual reasons but for health reasons that were visible to the naked eye and perhaps from conversations they had with her and weren’t privy to.
(In case you think I’m exaggerating:
She should be 140-150 pounds for a healthy weight. With a BMI about 14, we’re past ’ checking she’s eating something from time to time’ and full into the territory of ‘she’s starved herself to the point it feels like a huge sacrifice to eat a slice of pizza’. And one day she’ll get very tired with the effort, it won’t seem worth it, the sacrifice and huge effort will be too hard, she won’t be eating that slice of pizza nor an apple nor anything, and with her body that weak, it’ll break. I know I’m being graphically harsh but you have to face this: you have to save your child from herself.)
So many have weighed in. Not much new to offer. I would just say be true to your CC name and Be the Household CEO! We’re talking about the health of your child. What she thinks or feels is secondary. You have life experience. Make the tough decision. That’s the role of the CEO.
Nope, nope, nope. This isn’t about the housing, which is in itself unacceptable. It’s about the eating disorder.
Your daughter’s intense focus and drive are not qualities that offset the disorder, they are part and parcel of it. Don’t let her strong desire to go back fool you into thinking she can handle this.
You hold the financial power to keep her home until she is well. Use it.
Your outpouring of care and concern is giving me such perspective and strength to tackle this. THANK YOU TO ALL… @MYOS1634, @blossom and @compmom…and EVERYONE for taking this so seriously. I wish I had more time to thank everyone individually and I WILL soon!
More than anything I want to believe she will get better just by the single Psychiatrist sessions per week and some anti-depressants. It is going to take a LOT more than that I can see it now. And I am in full agreement that putting her in an at-risk environment in London with lots of pressure and challenges…would be SUCH A DANGER,…and more so than living in a building occupied by crack squatters. I guess it is equivalent to putting her in fire and “hoping” she won’t burn herself.
As of this very moment she is NOT talking to me. At all. I’ve talked too much about “safe housing” and too much about “a potential leave of absence”, “too much about her needing to gain weight”. I do have the name of her academic advisor. In fact, the advisor nearly told her to NOT take her final exams! The advisor called several appointments with my daughter said that they can delay the testing until the emotional instability has passed and that “extenuating circumstances” can be requested. My daughter went through with the final exams anyway…spending 12 hours a day at the library for over a MONTH and not eating. When she goes back to London THIS is her behavior. This is what she does to herself. She said London did this to her because she hates it so much…but she also doesn’t eat here. Right now she is in a “relaxed” environment at home with no stress and she is still nearly starving herself. Her breakfast is a protein bar (150 cal), lunch is a diet pack of quinoa (250 calories) and dinner is some protein (meat or fish) and veggies without any carbs.
I wrote her therapist this morning. I only realized that the family session is not for THIS Friday but for next Friday and I explained that we might be needing it sooner. When the Psychiatrist replies I think I will also ask for a session date of my own.
I finally wrote to my parents about the severity of this last night with the help of all of your support. They knew a “bit” about the weight loss but not the extent. I didn’t want to burden them with worry and usually, this is the way I play it. I don’t like to burden anyone with our difficulties and I prefer to figure it out on my own without making others feel sad. Anyway…my Mom is going to look into options for counseling/eating disorder therapy during our month trip in the US. I hope this can help also.
I will write to her advisor as a first step to see what needs to be done. On the university web site, I have found an “Interruption of Studies” request form. It details all that needs to be done to save the spot for the following fall. NOW how to force her into this choice? As @privatebanker mentioned…how do we get a 19 (nearly 20-year-old) to WILLINGLY get help?! To FORCE her out of studies next year. I’m afraid she will kill herself because of me. Let me repeat…I am AFRAID she will kill herself because I won’t let her go back and won’t let her live with her friend. I’m so daunted, sad and depressed myself. AND EXAUSTED…and burdened by all of the other family duties. Everyone needs me and I need to keep the ship afloat! I will definitely check in later as time permits. THANK YOU ALL and @Massmom, you guys see this so clearly…her biggest danger is the disease but I’m so afraid we won’t find a way out of it if she isn’t accepting or willing!!! Financially I do think we can force her to stay because she simply can NOT pay. But what if she kills herself if we do that??? This is a REAL concern for me.
If you feel your daughter may be suicidal, talk to the psychiatrist immediately. I don’t know the laws where you live but in the US, she could be hospitalized and placed on a hold and assessed by professionals. In patient care may be necessary to get this under control.
Big big hugs to you!!
Yes,agree D needs inpatient hospital program. It works. Have met people successfully return to school or work after inpatient treatment.
Doesn’t sound like D is at a healthy weight now.
Health comes first, always. Yes, she’s an adult but surely not a self-sufficient one? If you’re funding her flat and/or college you can simply refuse to pay until she is healthy enough to return to school. My daughter is 5’7 and 120lbs and is so, so thing. 94 pounds must be visibly frightening for a parent to see. Find a way to keep her home. ETA following OPs final response- if her family forcing her to get serious treatment for her illness pushes her to threatening suicide or showing suicidal ideations, she needs to be hospitalized as her depression is too severe for outpatient treatment. This must be so hard on you, as a mom, I know.
@Householdceo My daughter has a learning disorder and mental illness – not that different of a worry. What she said to you about not getting her ‘way’ (living with her friends in the flat) would cause her to not eat again; it is just like my daughter saying she was going to KILL herself if I didn’t let her stay in TX in school (where she was struggling with a 1.7 GPA and partaking in risky behaviors).
Here is what I said to her – if you MEAN that, you are not well enough to be this far away from home, if you said that to threaten me and get your way – you are not mature enough to be this far away from home.
She came home – same result and I didn’t argue because the WHY behind it mattered not. That statement right there tells me she needs to stay home and focus on getting well. Like someone else said its emotional blackmail.
@Householdceo if you are footing the bill you have all the power whether she agrees or not - she may very well be pissed but when it is this serious it doesn’t really matter