Hello fellow parents,
It’s my first time posting on any kind of forum like this, but I love the idea of a neutral sounding board for advice. 
I HOPE and pray some parents can chime in to give me some perspective and clarity. I’m in the middle of a NIGHTMARE situation with off-campus housing for my daughter who just finished her first year of College in London, England.
To make a long story short she lived in a dorm in London this year and honestly didn’t love the school or city. She also developed an eating disorder (and we are still battling this) and basically, the year was horrible for all of us. Essentially she hated her dorm and academic program but really wants to finish the degree which will last 2 more years.
In the middle of last year, a friend from High school approached her and wanted to live together off campus. That thought was very comforting to my daughter (old time friend) so they ended up finding 2 other girls to make a group flat of four students. London is VERY VERY VERY expensive place to live. A small 4 bedroom apartment is about $4,200 per month and in a rather shady area also.
Fast forward to this past week when I went to move her things from her dorm and pack up to move out for the summer. We live very far away (in another country) so I was unable to visit the future apartment before this trip. I allotted one day of my trip to visit to the future flat. To my HORROR, the apartment on the outside was severely run down and in a very bad area of town. The stairwell was on the exterior of the building (much like old motels or hotels) and within the stairwell was a group of homeless looking men burning and actively taking either crack, meth or heroin on the 2nd-floor stairwell landing. The stairwell is 1/2 covered (inside/outside) so the smell was very strong and they were speaking some sort of a foreign language. It was TERRIFYING because the stairwell was small and dirty and then there were these men with suitcases and all sort of metal paraphernalia doing illicit drugs. All of this in a very secluded building and dark stairwell landings. I ran out of the building with my heart racing and in full fear panic…and decided to watch a bit from the street. About 20 minutes later a student looking girl (much like my daughter in age and appearance) came out and I decided to kindly approach her to ask some questions about the building (she is renting from the same landlord). Evidently, this IS a very common occurrence in the stairwell. She and her flatmates have tried to call the police and landlord, but nothing has been done over the course of the year. It has been reported to the city housing officials and the landlord has hired someone to wash the stairwell daily of needles and debris. ;( I do NOT consider this a safe or suitable place for my beautiful daughter to live. I am saddened beyond words at what I witnessed. It was SOOO important for her to be living off campus with her friend this upcoming year. She claims it is the “Only” thing good for her in London…the ONLY thing she was looking forward to… and threatens that her eating disorder and depression will be a danger to her if she has to live in another dorm again.
I don’t know what to do. We can 'perhaps" at this point still get out of the contract since I don’t believe it has been officialized in the office. This is also in question…we may still owe $18,000 for the year. I would even be willing to go to court to fight our way out of this for illicit activity and danger on the premises…but basically, my daughter still wants to live here despite the conditions… She said she will be OKAY! I called the University today to explain the situation and they offered a very RARE remaining space in a single dorm room with shower and toilet (private) she refused to discuss this. 
HELP. Am I being too strict? She said this is LONDON and unfortunately these kind of conditions are widespread. She isn’t fearful and said she would just avoid them. I am TERRIFIED they will attack her in the dark or force her into her room, I’m fearful she may step on a dirty needle in the stair-well…the thoughts of fear in my mind run rampant. I am so sick over this and SADDENED over fighting about this with my daughter. I just want her SAFE and HEALTHY and HAPPY. And there was a murder last month in the park just facing the building of a 17-year-old boy (stabbing).
I can’t force her to live in a dorm but she said she won’t break her promise to her friends and she WANTS to be there. How can i let her live there when I know the crack-head squatters are there every day and there is NO sort of security on the premises.
PLEASE help!!!
I would not have a child far from home who is struggling with an eating disorder. period full stop. I know women my age who struggled with infertility for years after having spent their teenage and early adult years with an eating disorder; I know women with cardiac conditions usually seen in 80 year olds; I have a friend who has had dental problems for decades due to her high school and college bulimia. Etc. I won’t quote you the statistics on how difficult this condition is to treat. Add in the distance, strange place- no.
I’ve lived in London, apartments are expensive, there are safe and unsafe parts of town. But to me, all of these would be irrelevant. My kid would be coming home for treatment of the eating disorder. College can wait. You asked for help- I vote for bringing your kid home.
I REALLLLY appreciate your input Blossom! Thank you so much for taking the time to write. This is exactly the outside “perspective” that I have been hoping for. Sometimes when one is completely wrapped up in a problem (or multiple problems), we don’t even know what our biggest problem is!!
I fully agree that eating disorders are VERY serious. Thankfully she has made some visible progress since returning home this summer but I am fearful that the stress and pressure of her competitive university environment will take a toll once again when she returns. Every time she goes back she loses more weight and her skipping meals and constantly thinking about calories when she CLEARLY does not need to is very concerning still. She is 5’7" and weighs only 94 pounds now…down from being about 130 and completely balanced and healthy at the start of the school year. I truly want to believe it will be okay if she returns, but today when she mentioned that simply “not being allowed” to live with her friend in the flat was going to cause her to not eat again and be even more depressed. In hearing this I realized her fragile instability. The outside conditions should not be dictating her mental health, and that in itself leads me to believe she might not be ready to be living anywhere in London as you suggest. You are absolutely right that this should be 100% in-check before proceeding with anything else. I was just hoping that this summer (via counseling and medication) would be enough time to get her back on track. Sadly when I mentioned taking a medical leave last week (which I have thought about also), she would not have ANY part of the discussion and became very angry that I proposed it! She is a very high powered and focused girl who doesn’t want to have to explain to future employers etc what she did with a gap year. She doesn’t want to slow her progress to her a degree and I can’t seem to convince her otherwise?! She is only 19…but technically an adult. This is ALL SO HARD to deal with because she doesn’t want to admit how serious it has become. It’s so much easier to be in denial (for all of us). I see how driven and how disciplined she is… and she worked SOOOO very hard this year to be at the top of her class…it would be crushing to “make” her stay home. To force the medical leave. I don’t even know how we could physically do it? Obviously, we are financially supporting her so she couldn’t go without our consent but she might hate us forever! I just feel so terrible.
I agree with @blossom. An eating disorder can be life threatening as well.
Perhaps a medical issue like this would enable you to withdraw from the housing agreement.
Ask the college for a leave of absence.
Get the eating disorder issue under control. College will be there later.
Plus, you said she didn’t like this school anyway…
Please bring her home. It could be a matter of life and death.
Employers wouldn’t have any idea if she took a gap year or even two. All that shows on a resume is the year you received your degree, not how long it took you to receive it or how old you are.
Would her therapist work with you on a plan?
It seems like your daughter is very vested in living with her friend - how does her friend feel about being so integral? It may be more than she asked for and I fear your daughter could not handle it if her friend wasn’t as supportive as she needs her to be.
Awww…thank you Thumper1 and Blossom. I’m really starting to see that this might be the best and ONLY decision. You two are right. I’m really afraid for her safety and her being so far away and without “supervision”…It is simply TERRIFYING for me. Now that it is summer and she is at home and seems to be eating more I’m feeling a bit more relaxed, but once it starts up again with all of the pressure, a school and program she doesn’t like and a city she doesn’t enjoy…I guess those are huge red flags that this might not be a good idea. Now how to get her to accept she needs a leave of absence? She had her academic advisor, the school warden, and many friends intervene during the semester with concerns about her weight loss. If I approach her advisor she will CLEARLY understand and help us find a solution. I just know my daughter won’t want to take the time away. SOOOOOO hard!
Another vote for keeping her home. A close friend in college nearly died at age 21 from her anorexia. Her parents thought she was OK and sent her back to school after a stable summer. She ended up having a heart attack just before xmas break. She ended up needing a year of inpatient therapy before she was able to safely return to school and was in counseling alone and with her family for years and years.
Plus, there is not a chance I would let my D live in the conditions that you are describing.
I totally agree with you that if she’s threatening to re-start her eating disorder because of where she is living, you have a bigger problem on your hand and that should be another red flag that she is not well.
Your daughter will hate you forever for putting her health (short term and long term) as your number one priority? I don’t believe that’s true, and if it were me, I wouldn’t care even if it were.
There is nothing that you’ve posted that suggests your D is stable enough to live far from home. What are her doctors telling her? If she hasn’t had a full medical workup, psych evaluation and dental check up since she’s been back, that’s your next step.
What is the visible progress that you are referring to- that she’s managed to stabilize at 94 lbs and is threatening to stop eating if she doesn’t get her way? I don’t think a mental health professional would describe that as progress.
College will always be there. Whatever job or employer she is excited about long term will always be there. Do not enable her behavior right now. She will thank you, eventually.
She is angrier beyond angry that I would suggest her not going back in the Fall. I just tried to bring up the leave of absence and she said if I would just let her live in the flat with her friends she would be fine!!! NOW what do I do?
We do have a family counseling session with the psychiatrist on Friday…maybe that will help? As it stands right now, I either I let her live in the crack-head squatter house apartment building with her friends in London, or she won’t talk to me.
And the saddest thing is that it is not my mission to break up her plans or “tear her away” from her friends…I just want what is best for her health!..And the idea of a medical leave?? She just won’t listen. AT. ALL. What do parents do in this situation??? I’m so heartbroken.
“I truly want to believe it will be okay if she returns, but today when she mentioned that simply “not being allowed” to live with her friend in the flat was going to cause her to not eat again and be even more depressed.”
That’s emotional blackmail. Call her on it.
If she were my daughter, I wouldn’t let her go back just yet. But if you do let her go back - and you’re paying for it - it should be on your terms. That means safe housing and weekly weigh-ins (or at least check ins) at the college’s health clinic.
Eating disorders on their own are serious as others mentioned, but I will also add that I have two friends with children who are struggling with mental illness and eating disorders appeared shortly before other mental problems that required hospitalization.
I have complete sympathy for wanting to what your D thinks will make her happy.
I don’t have any answers and I hate to be negative, but I would suggest making an emergency plan should your D’s situation become worse and she needs inpatient care.
Saying this to give the outsider perspective you’ve asked for, but you do not sound remotely relaxed. Everybody has their own writing style, but if I can be frank you do not sound relaxed. Which might not be helpful when you talk with and work with your daughter. It might be helpful to you personally to see a therapist about this as well. The therapist can hopefully help you with the stress you’re feeling so you feel better, but also so you’re not conveying this stress to your daughter and torpedoing the relationship.
I agree. Some years ago, a very dear friend of mine cried her eyes out because she made the difficult decision to keep her DD with an eating disorder home. The girl was accepted to a highly selective school. Her dream school. The mom made the heart wrenching decision that it was not yet safe for her to leave home. The fall out was horrible. I cannot sugarcoat that. But the girl is alive, well, married with a child, a doctorate from Columbia and agrees it was the right decision 18 years later
She relapsed and had many issues along the way. Even today, she admits that she still has an eating disorder and has to watch for signs of relapsing all of the times. It’s that easy for her to go off food and then becomes unbearable to eat. And it all makes sense when she gets into that cycle. She may have it all of her life. But she is taking care of it, understanding that she has this condition. Half a lifetime ago, she could never come to this point.
That’s more to the point than her living situation. That is totally up to you. Why the heck should you be paying for something you don’t want to be paying for and dangerous, to boot? I was not happy with a lot of my kids’ living environments but they were all in the student ghettos of their colleges, with students making up the majority of the population. The turf war with the crack den across the street were primarily students all involved. Comparing incedebt reports, it was clear that it was not atypical of city schools.
For parents who don’t like this sort of place, limit where they can go to school and be involved in finding the living quarters. If you buy a pig in the poke as you did with your DD’s apt, you had a good chance of something like this. You are paying, you look at what you are buying. .
IMO, her health and safety come first.
Can you call the counselor and talk to them about what’s going on ahead of time?
What kinds of medical and psychological supports does she have at school?
Try making some notes (on a small index card so you don’t monopolize the session) on what you want to cover during the session on Friday. That will help you from getting derailed if she pitches a fit and you all get distracted.
Try avoiding ANY talk of the apartment, the squatters, the drugs, the safety. It’s not only a red herring, it’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Every time you mention how gross the building is, your D is hearing “My parents don’t trust me to pick out my own place to live. My parents think I can’t live by myself with a couple of friends. I’ll prove them wrong.”
Stop talking about it. She could be moving into Kensington Palace and you’d still have a right to object to her living far from home with an eating disorder which she is now using as a weapon to get her own way.
Who’s paying for all this? If it’s you, then play your parent card. Frankly, I’d say “tough $_it,” and let her be angry. She’ll get over it, and you can meanwhile work on getting her help.
London is expensive. Parts of it are dangerous, but it’s your daughter’s state of mind that would worry me more than where she’s living. I say this as a woman who lived in London for twenty years. As a student there, I went to very sketchy areas on my own (night clubs and pubs, nothing worse than that.) My parents would have had a heart attack if they knew the places I was going. The apartment would not be my primary concern.
I’m not sure I can agree with the majority. Your concern at the outset was clearly the flat. You think she is using the eating disorder as a weapon; I think she will see through your attempt to use it as a reason to veto her plans. Would you really be concerned if she were living in Kensington Palace? I think you need to be able to give yourself an honest answer to that question. FWIW, apartment buildings that look like motels with outside stairs are not uncommon in London. If you want to identify the area, we might be able to offer an opinion whether or not it is really dangerous rather than distasteful [which I totally get]. On the eating point, have you looked into support for the disorder at the college or elsewhere in the city? I feel for your predicament, but I question whether ordering your adult [albeit financially supported] daughter around is the right answer.
I’d say it is time to play the parent card, that you will not finance the apartment.
Do you know the other girl or her parents? Can you talk to her or the parents and say that after seeing the apartment you just don’t feel it is safe?