<p>My DD was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder last year, after being misdiagnosed with a number of different things (anxiety, depression, ADHD, being the victim of a overprotective mother, etc) for a number of years. After being in complete denial about her diagnosis, she is beginning to come to terms with it, but often forgets her meds and refuses to follow the doctor's advice about keeping a regular sleep schedule, and isn't truthful with him about what is going on. We are in NYC and she has been accepted to Fordham (with a big scholarship), the CUNY Macaulay program (full scholarship), U Delaware (in the honors program with a big scholarship), NYU, Barnard, Vassar (we would have to pay the entire cost at these three), wait listed at Columbia. I am very concerned about her living in a dorm as she frequently forgets the meds and I text her after she has left for school and she takes her back up dose that she carries with her (and if she doesn't have the back up then I go to school to give her the dose). She gets distracted and is drawn to socialize when her mood goes up and I am concerned that she won't focus enough to get the studying done if she is living in a dorm. There is no indication at this point that she has any addiction issues, but I know that a large percentage of people with bipolar disorder have them. She is insisting on living in the dorm, though. We would like her to select one of the schools that she has big scholarships for, but her 'friends' are teasing her about that and telling her that she must go to Vassar as it is the most prestigious school and they can't believe that we don't feel that we can pay for it. She has very poor self esteem and the friends that she has selected since she became sick are very immature and don't treat her nicely.</p>
<p>I would appreciate the thoughts of anyone on this thread who has been in a similar situation about the school choices. Any advice about what to do once she has selected a school so that she can have the best support and guidance available (who to contact, what to tell them, etc.) would also be greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>Keep a close eye on her, so keep her close to home.
These are all good local choices, but don’t let her get in to a situation were she will be too stressed academically. She needs to build confidence.
Have coffee with her best friend and try to get her to help the situation instead of stressing out your D.</p>
<p>UDelaware is a wonderful place, but it’s a “hands off” type of environment. It takes discipline to balance academic and social opportunities. For this reason alone I’d discourage your D from matriculating there. Fortunately she has wonderful opportunities closer to home. Good luck to you … and to her.</p>
<p>I agree with Paradocs. It may be too soon. Mental illnesses rear their ugly heads in these young adult years. Usually, usually, the worst of it all subsides as one gets closer to age 30, and if not, that is time to mature enough to deal with the issues better. The volatility that most kids have emotionally in their late teens and early 20s makes them ripe for all kinds of emotional, mental, behavioral issues. Time is on yours side. You can keep a close eye in case there is any relapse and move faster than you possibly can if she were living away.</p>
<p>I noted on another thread of a friend of mine whose talented, beautiful, brilliant daughter was dxed with severe eating disorders that nearly took her life while she was in high school Things looked pretty good for a couple of year as she was approaching age 18, but the parents insisted she commute to college. It was a terribly difficult decision to make with many tears, tantrums, recrimination, accusation, insults levied against the parents. She did stay home and she did relapse twice before turning 23 or 2. 4 The parents were right there to catch it and get her into treatment. She is now age 30, has been living on her own and working for couple of years and has just returned to school for a MSW program. She now truly understands her disease and knows that she will always be at risk for relapse and is vigilant in seeing a counselor and other medical professionals and staying on top of her propensities. In this time period, I’ve known at least a half dozen high risk kids with suicidal, bi polar, depression, drug addiciton eating disorders and other combinations of problems–, no maybe even a dozen, not to mention more cases in which I did not know the kids involved, who have died. </p>
<p>Though unlucky to have any of these ailments, families are lucky to “catch” the diagnosis while treatment can be started and patterning of behaviors that are needed for the best chance of staying alive can be instilled. Colleges are NOT places that are condusive to healing for these sorts of problems. On the contrary, they too often provide the triggers for onset and relapse.</p>
<p>Re UDel: I have a friend whose child (good student, with chronic health issues) went to UDel and had to leave after six weeks. There was constant, loud, weeklong partying in the dorms, and the Residence Life people were not at all interested in solving the problem (not sure they saw it as a problem). It’s a state school and there is not much handholding. Students are on their own to resolve issues. It might not be a great choice for a student with the OP’s D’s concerns.</p>
<p>I have a friend whose dd is finishing up at a top LAC after being diagnosed BP in High school. She did have to take a year and a half off somewhere in the middle of the total 6 years it has taken to finish. Obviously there were hiccups along the way. You want to be close by when that happens. And you don’t want year 6 to be financially ruinous. I would err on the side of caution with the finances and examine the financial downsides in case she needs to withdraw.</p>
<p>But college can be a better place than not-college for the gifted bipolar kid because lack of structure can be a problem. I would want my child in a place where there were people looking out for them, not a sink or swim place, not an anonymous place.</p>
<p>I agree with the posters above that the parents need to set a rule and endure the moaning and groaning about how far the child can go or how much the parents can afford.</p>
<p>I’m not sure, but it’s possible, that being at UD honors gives your dd better advising and housing options than the general population there. That might make a difference.</p>
<p>One thing to think about is what dd has to do to keep scholarships. Is there a minimum gpa she needs to keep every semester? And if she feel below that threashold, which is possible, what would happen?</p>
<p>One thing to consider is that larger schools may actually have more services and resources specifically designed to help students in some of sort of crisis or in need of assistance. For example, the large (40k+ students) university I attend for grad school has an office decided to just reaching out and connecting students in some sort of crisis (be it psychological, medical, their apartment burned down, their friend died in car crash, etc–it runs the gammet) to services and resources and checking up on students to make sure they are okay. The smaller university I attended for undergrad didn’t have the resources for anything like this, or at least not anything I ever heard about (and I worked in the student counseling center, so I knew about those sorts of resources). Just another thing to consider.</p>
<p>If you can swing it financially, Barnard might be good mix–smaller LAC setting, with Columbia’s university-size resources, close to home, and an excellent school to boot .</p>
<p>I’m thinking Barnard as well (only if works financially). Your d. won’t be the first bipolar student they have dealt with, and the smaller, caring, all-women environment might make it a slightly safer place if it ever happens that she has to confront her demons, and it is close to home. (If not, Fordham is a pretty good option too, I would think.)</p>
<p>I might have suggested delaying admission for a year, but that might be perceived by her in such a way as to be another blow to her self-esteem. </p>
<p>You know that, now that she is in, you can actually ask questions of the schools without it impacting her admission.</p>
<p>I have not dealt with this myself, but recently read two memoirs by Nic Sheff, primarily focusing on his addictions - but at some point in his story, it became clear to him and his father that his bi-polar disorder was a root level problem. </p>
<p>He talks about how he had to bail out of college two times. The first, if I am remembering this correctly, was UC Berkeley. The second try, he had carefully considered what sort of program would be appropriate for his personality, and decided to go to Hampshire College. But almost immediately he began to relapse. The remoteness from his family allowed him to hide what was really happening, and it sounds like he did not get the help he needed, even though he and/or his dad had talked with an addiction councelor at the school before settling in. The school sounded pretty hands-off actually, when what this person needed was probably more of an intervention. (Not sure if he disguised the college; he did disguise some other aspects of his story, like certain rehab places, names, etc.)</p>
<p>He also has suffered from very low self-esteem, and is very bright and creative.</p>
<p>So this is not your daughter’s situation precisely, but from what the other posters are suggesting about keeping her close to home and being really firm with the “structure” of her life/schedule, after reading these memoirs, it really sounds as if that is best. And it’s so true that they often outgrow the worst of it as they get closer to 30.</p>
<p>I don’t have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I feel for you. That’s a tough thing to go through. The doctors were suggesting that my S might have been bipolar when he was eight - mood swings, rages, etc. It turns out that it was just really bad allergies - can you imagine?! He was allergic to everything he was tested for, and it all effected his brain and his thinking. Once we got his allergies under control (mostly with diet and alternative medicine, believe it or not, which I never believed in before), he became stable and able to think clearly.</p>
<p>It’s such a difficult thing to live with and watch your child go through. It’s very hard on the whole family, so I wish you the best of luck. I hope things go well for her and for your family.</p>
<p>I can definitely see your concern about where your daughter would be best suited to attend college. As a mom I would tend to also lean towards the closest (geographical) and also the most affordable option. There was a point brought up in an earlier post that most scholarships require a minimum GPA and other criteria to “keep” them. You also need to take into account that your daughter may take more than four years to finish. I would also check into the student disability/counseling offices at each of the colleges and see what they have to offer. Your daughter may also relate to a website/blog that I know of written by another young lady who was diagnosed as bi-polar in high school. I think I am allowed to post this (hopefully) it is crazyinheels dot net. She has lots of informative and useful posts and she is college-age. Hope this helps! Your daughter is lucky to have such a caring mom on her side…</p>
<p>We’ve known a fair number of kids who began struggling with mental health issues around that age, and many of them have to leave college within the first year, then re-organize their lives over the next few (some go back and graduate). Not to discourage your daughter from going to college, but try not to spend too much money, unless it’s actually buying support and help for her. Wishing you strength and best of luck.</p>
<p>I don’t know your daughter, or which type of bipolar she has, or what meds she is on, or whether she also has ADHD or anything else.</p>
<p>I do feel that many of the comments on this thread tend toward the negative, with the exception of this: “But college can be a better place than not-college for the gifted bipolar kid because lack of structure can be a problem. I would want my child in a place where there were people looking out for them, not a sink or swim place, not an anonymous place.”</p>
<p>Wherever she chooses (or you choose), or better, before a choice is made, contact disabilities offices and find out what the vibe is. Once a school has been chosen, you can enlist the help of a psychiatrist or MD and have accommodations set up (or write the letter yourself and have a psychiatrist sign it). One such accommodation is a single room, even a single room in a quiet dorm. Also, make sure to get tuition refund insurance.</p>
<p>My S was diagnosed in high school with a psychological disorder that required daily medication. I would not in a million years have allowed him to live in a dorm had I not been absolutely certain that he was scrupulous about taking it. Your daughter doesn’t get to “insist” on living in a dorm when she hasn’t shown the maturity to handle her illness. When she has shown she is responsible enough to be self-sufficient in properly managing her meds, sleep schedule, etc., she can live away from home. Until then, commuting or taking a gap year while she grows ups and comes to terms with her situation are the only reasonable and safe options. Accept that she’ll hate you for it, but be comforted that it is absolutely the right thing to do.</p>
<p>Oldest son is BP took three colleges and a lot of blood sweat and tears to get that B.A.Regardless of where she goes look deeply into the services and support offered.We were fooled by lip service paid to mental health at the first school.Make the school she enrolls in aware of your concerns and expectations.Remember FERPA may complicate communications once she enrolls. Find a good therapist near school for extra support if necessary.It is obvious you care deeply ,you will make together.</p>
<p>I am not a parent, so feel free to ignore me.</p>
<p>Both my siblings have bipolar disorder, and both have been college students under very different circumstances, in a way they are opposite ends of the spectrum. The older sister was severely mentally ill her entire life, and got significantly worse in her late teens-early 20s-- she was not so disabled that she couldn’t do well in school and seem normal quite a lot of the time, but when she went off the rails it registered on the richter scale. My parents didn’t even really form an opinion on her educational options when she graduated HS as she was in the process of estranging herself at the time, but she pulled together to the resources to go away to school without needing our parents’ help. She left after a semester with a 0.0 GPA and unfortunately in her case the financial hit was enough to ruin her. I don’t think she ever set foot in a classroom. It was too much for her. </p>
<p>My younger sister is 19 at present and attending a community college at the decision of my parents (for a variety of reasons, including her mental health.) I am REALLY, REALLY relieved they chose that path for younger sister. She does not take her meds, and the older she gets the more apt she is to go off the deep end when she becomes overly stressed or when she is on a low cycle.-- stress is ALWAYS, ALWAYS a trigger with her, she becomes suicidal every midterm and finals season, which is a fairly new behavior. She never, ever seeks help herself and is not truthful with her doctors. These things are <em>NECESSARY</em> life skills for the mentally ill if they are going to live independently, and the only reason my younger sister’s head is above water right now is because she has support to help her do those things. In my mind, if your D can’t do those things you need to keep her close to home so that you can support her. Whether she sounds as bad as my sisters or not is irrelevant, you don’t truly know what you’re going to get as the years go on, especially right now when everything is in flux for your D. The alternatives to this can be dangerous, even if up til now she has seemed stable. Bipolar can get ugly at this age and there is more than wasted tuition dollars at stake. Perhaps there is time to build some of these skills before she goes away, if that’s what you choose, and perhaps you can come up with some sort of system or agreement that will allow you to keep track of how she’s doing. Only you really know what she’s capable and willing to do on her own. </p>
<p>I wholeheartedly agree with those suggesting that you research, in depth, the disability services the college provides. You will want to gauge the atmosphere at these universities for students with your D’s issue and get a feel for what kind of support she may get if she needs it. Also research the mental health treatment options both on campus and in the surrounding area and make sure that your D knows what these are and how to access them.</p>
<p>There are lots of college kids with mental health issues and there is no reason they can’t do well-- as long as they and their families are going in eyes wide open and they have an appropriate support system in place.</p>
<p>Thank you so much for your thoughts and your support. You have made a lot of good points that we will think over. </p>
<p>The problem with Barnard is that we did not get any aid. Fordham has given my D a full tuition scholarship because she is a national merit finalist. Barnard states that they don’t give any merit aid, but I know that some schools give some aid even if they state that they don’t, and was hopeful that they would come up with something for her, but it didn’t happen. So we would be full pay for Barnard, a difference of $160,000 to $170,000 over the 4 years, much of which we would have to borrow. (Just because they say that you can afford it doesn’t mean that you can, especially when you live in NYC). I think that I will send them the other scholarship offers that she received from the other schools and ask if they could reconsider, but I’m not hopeful.</p>
<p>If she stays in NYC for school, she can remain with her current doctor, which I think would be a big advantage, as he has treated her for over a year. Also, my DH and I have a relationship with him, he has heard the story from us, and he had her sign a note allowing him to continue speaking with us when she turned 18. I couldn’t imagine starting with someone new who hadn’t heard the whole history from us, as she comes up with very rational sounding, but completely untrue, explanations for much of the things that have happened and also does not take responsibility, but shifts the blame, when things go wrong. </p>
<p>I would like to speak with the schools that are being considered about their disability services. Forgive me for sounding ignorant, but who does one contact in the schools? Would I start with the counseling center (if she stays in the city, she probably wouldn’t need to use their services as she will stay with her current doctor) or is there a separate disability office?</p>