No idea how to approach a roommate I just butted heads with

Student Lounge College Life
1

It’s been 3 weeks by now. In our apartment for the summer we all have our own bedrooms but the walls are terribly thin we and we are 4 randoms who couldn’t be any more different, only similarity being we all go to the same university.

Me: Due to my unusual sleep patterns, I am most productive around 10PM-2AM, afterwards I basically go right to bed. During the day I sometimes do work, sometimes just play video games depending on the day. I regularly skype with my friends in the early-ish evening
Next door: The heavy party goer. He and his friends semi-regularly drink and blaze in his room into the night. He likes to sleep during the day and his classes are later in the afternoon
Across the hall: One guy who watches Netflix basically all day, he keeps his distance from the rest of us
Next: Quiet guy, rarely see him

Basically, it’s more like the two of us who have particularly much interaction.

Now, we’re very different and were matched randomly so we’re bound to butt heads here and there.

Me and the heavy party goer have primary hostilities and just now butted heads.

Just now, I asked him and his friends to please quiet down around 11PM. I have class the next morning but none of them did. My opinion of him wasn’t very high in the first place and turns out, his of mine wasn’t either.

Turns out during the day I’m hella noisy and bother him, never even realized it because he never spoke up, never directly complained about it to me. He knew he and his friends were bothering me the entire time. I overheard him complaining to his friends how inconsiderate and “douchey” I was. In fact, turns out the reason why he wanted to keep the music and talking so loud was to get payback.

Well, I suppose I was pretty inconsiderate during the day since I never even realized he slept during the day. However, I’m not a big fan of people talking behind my back when I’m basically right there, nor am I a big fan of his partying antics in the first place.

Since I couldn’t take it (I get offended pretty easily unfortunately), I knocked on the door and attempted to speak to him privately, however due to thin walls, his friends overheard and entered the conversation. Temporary settlement for now is we all vacate the apartment for the next 2 hours. I headed to the library which is thankfully open until 2am. He and his friends went to his friend’s apartment to continue their partying.

Before we separated I apologized for being so inconsiderate and he did as well. However, even if it wasn’t very strong in the first place, I’ve still got a pretty badly burnt bridge between me and my roommate and his friends definitely have an extremely negative view of me now which is a bit unfortunate since they still come by semi-regularly and it’s weird being around people who despise you.

I’d like to settle this matter on a more mature and serious note. We’re both equally at fault but I’ve got no idea how to approach the guy on how to make a more permanent settlement. I certainly see his actions in a different light, but I’m real unsure what his view is on me. I never even realized I bothered him and if he’s had such a negative view of me for so long but never spoke up, well…shoot I’m stuck.

2

Tell him you had no idea that you bothered him.

3

Well, I did and we “apologized”. However on my way out I overheard him tell his friends “just watch, tomorrow he’s gonna still be a douche”. No idea how to approach him the next time I see him. We can’t keep getting on each other’s nerves

4

Tell him that you’re sorry for bothering him and that you had no idea. Tell him that he should have brought it up to you in a considerate way rather than trying to get revenge on you. Then discuss with him what times are best to be more quiet for both of you. If you’re bothering him at times and he’s bothering you at times then you both have something to gain from working this out.

5

Theres only one way to settle this, one of u has to move out, try getting ur other roommates on ur side and u can kick him out

6

Good points, well I hope that he’ll have calmed down and we can be more civil

7

You should arrange to have biweekly roommate meetings, during which you guys discuss everything pertaining to the apartment. Have a collective agreement regarding things like cleaning schedules, noise, etc. Specify when you will allow partying and when it’s not permitted. Be sure to compromise with your roommate. For instance, M-Th, no partying in the apartment at all, save for holidays. On the weekends he can have people over until say 1AM, but after that they need to leave.

Make sure all roommates are present, and specify escalating consequences for failure to adhere to the rules.

8

Create a roommate agreement

9

Set up some agreement about when you’ll both be quiet. He can’t have people over after a certain hour, and you’ll do XYZ (I honestly don’t know what you’re doing that’s making so much noise, but I’m sure you figure out a way to be quieter) to be quieter during the day. Be concrete about it, and don’t just say “everyone will try to keep it down” because that means very different things to different people. Say that you had no idea he was sleeping during the day, and you’ll be more respectful of him. Ask him to let you know if you’re ever being too loud, so that you can quiet down. And get ear plugs for the apartment.

Then the best thing you can do is just be quieter. If he’s already decided that he doesn’t like you, then there’s not much you can say to fix that. All you guys can do is figure out how to co-exist, and if you quiet down during the day, maybe he’ll quiet down during the night.

And for future reference, don’t try to have a private conversation when guests (anyone’s guests) are over. That’s not a private conversation. Wait until everyone leaves.

10

The best approach is just to level with your roommates. If you can’t make it work, then move out.

11

Would it help if one of you switched rooms with one of the other guys so you didn’t share a common wall? Also I highly recommend one or both of you getting a white noise machine (we love our Marpacs from Amazon)…they can run during the day or night and will cut down substantially on what your other roommates hear. Best.

12

Remember it’s only for the summer after which you will probably never see him again… I would not switch room with one of the other guys. Why should they have to put up with the party guy? Also if he was being loud then he wasn’t just bothering you he was also bothering the other roommates. I would try to be quieter during the day but other than there is really nothing else to do.

13

Why would the partying roommate agree to this? What would the consequences be and how could they be enforced?

14

Definitely come up with an apartment-wide room mate agreement…when should you all be quiet.
So before 10:00am and after 11pm, for example. Also see what things you can do more quietly, such as play video games with a head phoen (and same for the others).