<p>I have skipped over so sorry if this doesnt pertain, I have two friends whose kids go to UVM and LOVE it. its a beautiful area and they are having fun. I dont think its any more of a party school than anywhere else. My d’ friend didnt get into NYU and was heartbroken goes to /american and is having a blast. MY D got a great package at her current school not her first choice, and is loving it. I do think its the kids who adjust, mom’s do have a harder time, my H was more low key and thrilled about the money.</p>
<p>valemom and stradmom: I understand the tears. Whoever said it, said it right. We can wear cotton, but we want cashmere for our kids.</p>
<p>I think there were really good suggestions to have the “ideal” experience – junior year or a semester at the “favorite” college or a summer program or grad school. </p>
<p>Four years go fast.</p>
<p>I am equally proud of my D who has decided against a Tier One law school for a public law school (at a very reasonable rate) that is strong in her field: public law.</p>
<p>She realized that with the debt load she was looking at she wouldn’t be able to practice public law.</p>
<p>In our economy no one (not lawyers) can reasonably expect to be able to pay these loans back.</p>
<p>I wish all your kids fabulous experiences even if they have to wave goodbye to the “dream” school.</p>
<p>My BFF attended a dream school. I attended an ordinary, not very prestigious state u. I met a mentor, and she didn’t, and i ended up with a stronger career.</p>
<p>Emaheevul07, Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that the debt turns out to be less of a burden than you are fearing.</p>
<p>I understand the tears as well. I really like the cotton/cashmere saying. Letting go of a dream is hard but only in letting it go are our hands free to grasp the future. And I truly believe that all of our children have very, very bright futures; including looking back with pride at having made the responsible choice for college.</p>
<p>I can relate to the cashmere analogy. I don’t know what I would have done in that situation but I know DH who have been totally confused. </p>
<p>It was many yeas ago but I can not tell how many checks for $50.13 we sent to Sallie Mae to pay his loans (and they were very small)</p>
<p>Hugs to Ema & stradmom and thanks for sharing your difficult choices. I also wanted cashmere for my DD but she chose cotton. I’m struggling with letting go of my dream for her to attend the “better school”( in my view), we could sort of afford to send her to with the merit aid she received. She, without hesitation, chose the full ride to state U. I had way too many emotions wrapped up in these decisions. I feel like the child and my dtr’s the parent here. This thread has humbled me.</p>
<p>thanks for this thread, so many words of wisdom right now (i think i will print them out and save them for 4 years from now when he graduates debt free)…so many stories that resonate… son wants his dream school which would mean large debt, i have said we wont do the loans involved…going to be going to his safety (that he liked until he found his dream school and now says he hates) so now he is very angry and making the end of the process very stressful, and i am feeling incredibly guilty and sad. I only hope now he doesnt sabotage himself and ruin his college experience.</p>
<p>Hey, lay off the dads/husbands 
What may seem withdrawn or insensitive could also be a financial defense mechanism, especially with our daughters who we so desperately want to please. The hug in consolation could rapidly turn into, “Don’t worry, sweetie. Go where you want and I’ll figure out how to pay for it.”</p>
<p>Let’s be honest, we’re spineless when it comes to our little girls.</p>
<p>parent56: I am sure he will get over it. Before I attended my outrageously expensive dream school I attended another school which I actually did hate and for good reason, I was horribly disappointed that my parents were making me go there and was a complete ■■■■■ for a month or two, and even then I still got over it and performed really well. Almost wish I hadn’t because then I wouldn’t have moved to dream school, but I digress. Once he realizes what opportunities he is afforded because of the choice (for me, transferring to dream school-- for him, graduating debt free) he will stop whining about it. In the meantime just try not to engage him on the matter when not strictly necessary. I was too frustrated and upset at first to really have many productive conversations about it, I needed time to adjust to the disappointment and grow up so I could accept it-- and in the meantime I was really only capable of being beastly about it. Especially if he liked the school in the first place, I am sure he’ll have a blast once he gets there, and if you’re lucky he may even apologize later for acting out about it. :P</p>
<p>good advice emaheevul!! must admit i am “trying to convince him” . hmmm whining and beastly sound about right! apologize…not so sure!</p>
<p>Valemom, If UVM is like any other big state university, it has lots of different kinds of people in attendance (this is an advantage, actually!) I’m sure not everybody there is a druggy or a drunk. Of course to a casual visitor, the loud partiers will be a lot more noticeable than the kids studying in the library. If your daughter goes there, encourage her to get involved early on in academically-oriented or outdoorsy clubs, or other extracurricular activities that will introduce her to a wholesome crowd.</p>
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<p>If he truly hates it, he shouldn’t go. He could take a gap year or go to community college. There is no inherent right to go to college, especially not on your parents dime. Why waste your time or his? </p>
<p>I’ve seen too many angry students go marching off to college determined too prove to their parents that the “dream college” (I loathe that term) was the better choice. </p>
<p>I know he’s mad and that’s tough to deal with but he needs to be very clear on the fact that if he cannot go with at least an attitude of an open mind, he’s not going at all. Don’t let the guilt force you into a decision that you’ll both come to regret.</p>
<p>well said pmk…and he was given that option. but incredibly something wonderful happened today that has made him very happy. and as i said the “attitude” towards the safety only began after he couldnt go to the other school. up until then he liked it and liked the programs so i am hoping it was the disappointment and anger talking not his real thoughts.</p>
<p>I haven’t read the whole thread but…NYU isn’t worth it.</p>
<p>NYU is in a VERY expensive city, so she will need even more money.</p>
<p>UVM is in a cool and beautiful place. If she wants to live in a city she will have ample opportunity to do so later. NYC is full of twenty-somethings. Or she could go to graduate school in a city.</p>
<p>There are drinking and drugging students everywhere.</p>
<p>The idea of racking up that kind of debt as an undergrad at all, much less to attend NYU in particular, boggles my mind. And I am not one of the “the school doesn’t matter/follow the money no matter what” crowd.</p>
<p>I’m not sure why everyone is assuming that Valemom’s daughter would take on the debt to attend NYU. I did not read it necessarily that way. Sometimes (as is the case for us), the parents are the ones taking out the loans, not the child. </p>
<p>Valemom, I understand your situation completely. First, I also live in Northern Vermont. I also have a daughter who was val and thus also won the Green and Gold Scholarship to UVM (full ride, and also Honors College), but did not have UVM on her college list (same as your D). She had two other safety schools on her list and had no intentions of applying to UVM. Yes, some thought we were nuts for her to pass up a free ride and we do have plenty of loans (not her) for her to attend Brown and also several years of grad school. But in her case, UVM did not fit her and didn’t even have her intended major. I also understand NYU as my other D recently graduated from there. </p>
<p>BOTH my girls have always said had they not grown up in Vermont, they would be very attracted to UVM and spending four years in Burlington. They wanted a different experience (also second D’s degree program was not offered at UVM either) out of state. But both think that Burlington would be such a cool place to go to college. </p>
<p>UVM is very attractive, if your D can get beyond having grown up here. It is not a huge state U like so many others. It is not all VT kids and has a higher percentage of out of state kids than in state ones. It is smack dab in Burlington which is a fun place to spend four years. The Honors College adds more challenge. I know a LOT of really strong students from our HS who have chosen UVM, in part, due to it being more affordable. I was just talking to a neighbor whose D did not get into any of her schools but UVM and feels a bit resigned to this choice. She is a good student too. And I REALLY believe that her D and YOUR D, once they get to UVM, will put all this college admissions stuff behind them. Right now, they are immersed in the whole college selection thing but once they get to college, I think they will truly love it and get a fine education. Perhaps your D can do a semester abroad or a summer program in NYC or summer internships in NYC to enrich and balance out the experience of going to school in her home state. I think UVM only feels less attractive to your D because she had a choice she preferred, but once she is at college, it really is an attractive option. I hope that is how she feels once she is there and enjoying it. I think that will happen!</p>
<p>NYU is not Brown.</p>
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<p>However, I am paying loans for many years for my other kid’s education at NYU. I’m sure she would have been admitted to UVM too. </p>
<p>Also, D who got into Brown and attended it, would have gone to her two safety schools, Lehigh and Conn College, over UVM where she had the full ride. UVM did not offer what she was hoping to do in college both academically and extracurricularly.</p>
<p>I will add that I believe UVM is a GREAT school and I recommend it highly to others. I have even taught grad schools courses there as an adjunct in the past.</p>