I’m a sophomore in college. This year is going much better than the first. I am much busier (3 jobs, club basketball etc.) than last year. My social life was lacking, but fortunately I met this girl last week and we’ve hit it off.
I’m grateful for the success because I know what it’s like to not have much going for you at school. The final hurdle is making more friends. I don’t drink, but I go to a small school notorious for partying (mistake). I know that some kids don’t drink, but I find that I actually connect with people who do, though I can’t really hang with them on the weekends, which makes it hard to really become friends. I’ve gone out a couple times while sober. It was fine. I like to do it once in a blue moon, but certainly not every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
Anyway, I was hosting a TA session tonight for some class and I’ve become pretty friendly with a couple of the kids. They invited me to a bar tonight (which I couldn’t do anyway, but even if I were free, I wouldn’t want to go because I can’t participate and I don’t want to look like a weakling). I feel like I isolate myself through sobriety even though that’s the path I want to take… It makes me question myself. For some reason, I really don’t want to drink, but then I think I would like it if I tried it, but then I think I don’t drink because of family history and I want to stick to my guns and not fall into peer pressure. It’s a vicious cycle in my head.
The absence of alcohol looms over me daily, and I feel like it’s holding me back. I’m not sure what to do or what to think.
Lots of people don’t drink for a variety of issues. Stay true to yourself. Order a sprite or a soda water with lime and be yourself. No one will even bat an eye, and if they do – find different friends. Glad your having a better year!
Seltzer with lime is always the answer! Seriously… You don’t have to drink to have fun, please don’t not go out to bars or parties because you don’t drink. Nothing at all wrong with drinking and nothing at all wrong with not drinking.
You could suggest the venue next time - bowling, dancing, karaoke place, game night. My daughter’s good friend is Mormon and she’s very social. She loves to have people over to make pizzas, cookies, work on puzzles, watch movies. My daughter does like to drink, but is happy to do other things too, especially if someone suggests something fun.
Agree – you can get a non-alcoholic drink (ex. seltzer, cranberry juice etc.) and nobody will care. There is no reason to allow the fact that you don’t drink become an excuse to hold yourself back from things you want to do.
You do not need to drink to hang out with friends who do. Drink nonalcoholic drinks and enjoy the socialization.
A current college student I know well also does not drink, but, like you, has several friends who do. The student has remarked that he enjoys the smaller ‘pre-game’ gatherings, the walks to and from parties with his friends, and the visit to the snack bar with his group of friends after the party, more than he enjoys the crowded parties themselves. But he feels it is worth going to the parties just for the small group bonding experiences before and after them.
You do not look “like a weakling” for not drinking if you just confidently state, “No, thanks,” if someone offers you something to drink. To the contrary, you may come across as someone with a strong sense of self. Just don’t be judgmental about your friends’ drinking. Concentrate on enjoying the social interaction, not on what everyone is imbibing! Trust me. I have been attending gatherings without drinking alcohol my whole life. (I am 48. ) No one has ever seemed to care whether I drink alcohol or not.
The peer pressure is all in your own head. You are the one putting all the importance on whether you drink or not. No one else is thinking about your drinking or lack thereof for more than the second it takes for them to offer you a drink and hear you say no thanks. I actually would recommend you NOT ever start drinking, because if “the absence of alcohol looms over” you daily, alcohol might become too important to you psychologically if you did drink, and you have commented on family history. Let it stop looming over you. Just accept that you have chosen not to drink, that no one cares whether you do or don’t- they just care if you are pleasant to talk to- and start focusing on having a nice time talking with people and making them feel listened to and cared about when they interact with you.
There also are students at every college who do not drink. There are students who play board games or video games or hang out doing other things. You might explore some of those gatherings as well— walk around your dorm and see if anyone you know at least somewhat well is doing an activity you might enjoy joining.
As others have said just because you don’t drink doesn’t mean you can’t go to parties with friends. Obviously going to a smelly college bar might get a bit boring (how many drunk idiots can you watch), so mix it up with events where drinking isn’t the only activity such as concerts and live music. Someone mentioned bowling which is a great activity for drinkers and non-drinkers. Good luck.
You can go to a bar and have a non-alcoholic drink so you don’t have to separate yourself from people who are drinking because you aren’t.
You sound a little ambivalent about your decision not to drink. Can I also suggest that you can drink to enjoy a beverage, be it a glass of wine with dinner or a cold beer on a hot day, rather than to get drunk? I am not advocating that you start drinking, but if you want to drink and don’t want to get drunk, that is the option most people who drink choose!
You make it sound as though the price of admission to hanging out with people you like is to drink like a demon. Have a single drink if you want to be sociable. Then stick to non alcoholic drinks. Or haven’t alcohol, and keep a cup or glass in your hands at all times if it makes it easier to avoid feeling conspicuous.
The most troubling part of your post is that you say yourDone want to look like a weakling. This is a problem that is solely about self-perception. YOU are the one stopping yourself from having fun with these people you like. Go out with them, don’t drink alcohol if it makes you uncomfortable, then leave when you’ve had enough of the spectacle. You say you like these people, but YOU are putting restrictions on your i ter actions with them because of YOUR restrictions. Just understand that these are your decisions, and not the actions of the people you like.
You are putting the cart before the horse. Go out and see what happens. You don’t have to decide that you have to get drunk in order to hang out with these people. Plenty of people just have a single drink, or none at all, and they enjoy their friends.
It’s funny how all these people are assuming you are going to bars despite you clearing stating you are a sophomore and very likely under 21. Anyway, I had plenty of friends in college who didn’t drink /barely drank for one reason or another, they still went out to parties and bars, no one really cared.
Yes, when you say you “can’t”, is it because you are underage? Or because you think you “can’t” go because you don’t drink? If its the former, I’m sure there are social gatherings going on for under 21s with no fake ID, so just find them and participate. If it’s the latter, just go. You have lots of good advice here for participating. For most people, the fact that you aren’t drinking won’t matter, if you are socially engaging and having fun! And for the couple who really do care, you don’t want to be their friends anyway.
Make the social connections first, be yourself, say yes to invitations, show your personality, have fun, and drink a club soda and say “no thanks” when offered a drink. It works, people do it all the time! My kids do, and I do as an adult.
As someone who drank in college, I always appreciated having friends who didn’t drink around. It felt safer to have at least one person there who always had their wits about them. I admired (and still do) people who were comfortable with their own choices and who simply don’t do things they don’t care for.
And when you are old enough to go to bars, you’ll be in great demand as the designated driver.
Right, how do you get into US bars and drink alcohol, under 21? It doesn’t sound like you’re that age. Are you?
One of the smarter things college kids can learn is to ‘be themselves’ and be wise about what that means. Don’t take up drinking because you think it’s social magic. If these are truly people you’re compatible with, they will accept that you don’t drink alcohol. If not, you need to self examine. Good wishes. But play this the right way.
And of course, on the designated driver point. Or the one who just ensures all walk home safely. In D1’s circle of friends, they traded off who was the DD or responsible friend. No shame in that.
@ClippersFan4Life : I have read all of your prior posts & threads. You are at the wrong school & should transfer. A small, rural, LAC with a heavy partying culture doesn’t fit your profile. You seem to be limiting your choices to small LACs in order to have a chance to make the tennis team. That didn’t work. All of your friends party & you do not & you feel unfulfilled.
If you stay at your current school, consider studying abroad for your junior year. Otherwise, reconsider transferring. Do not limit your options to small, rural LACs. You need to be near a city. Many schools have a strong coffee culture–as opposed to alcohol.
I am under 21. Today, this girl invited me to a formal where everyone would be smashed. It was at a bar (which seemed like an odd place for a formal but whatever) and I needed a fake to get in. I don’t have one, but she said she could get one for free in a short period of time.
I told her I wouldn’t feel comfortable going (as it’s with no one I know besides her) so I don’t need a fake ID. I kind of second guessed myself a little afterwards but I think it’s the right thing to do. I can always ask her for a fake later on if I want to gain entry into a bar (even though I won’t be drinking…) I kind of wish I had just asked for a fake but for some reason that feels weird to me.
You guys are correct in saying that I am insecure. What’s odd is that in some ways I am very confident, but in some situations I act like a shell of myself.
I will ask one of the kids to hang out sometime in the near future. I was pretty stressed about the whole thing situation (this and social life in general) but fortunately I had a tennis match tonight which took my mind off everything.
Again, I was blown away to see how much response I got. Very grateful. Thanks so much.
But I do have one more question. As someone who has never been to a bar, you need an ID to just get in? I thought it was only when you buy a drink? Just want to double check and make sure because I would’ve looked like a massive idiot if I showed up not knowing I need a fake just to get in… If that’s the case I definitely made the right choice not to go on that night in particular
Many bars will require an ID to get in so the busy bartender doesn’t have to check. And to ensure that the atmosphere is preserved (no families or teens.) These often have live music, dancing, etc.
Of course, a place that serves food and alcohol, for example, might not require an ID to get in. But if you order a beer with your burger, they’ll ask for it.
