The Elite college sounds almost like cult like. In S1’s High Academic school, he has also mentioned how it is normal to refer to “White, toxic, privileged, males”. He(not White, but has close friends who are), laughs most of it off, but also shakes his head. His school is 59% Women.
5 Likes
That’s very sad. I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. This has been one of my biggest concerns in sending my kids to an elite institution. My kids and I definitely don’t see eye to eye on many political issues. But, we love and respect each other and accept each other’s opinions. We try to discuss our differences and understand each other. Our differing views do not impact our relationship.
I have had countless conversations about some of the brainwashing that occurs at many universities. I hope that they understand that just because the university or a professor espouses a particular position, that it is not necessarily a fact. I hope I have been successful in teaching my kids that they should listen but make their own decisions and think critically. I hope I have been successful…but only time will tell.
You’re in a tough spot. I think you need to figure out a way to communicate your unconditional love for him and that you support him regardless of his opinions. Your love for him should transcend everything else. When he realizes that, he will come around.
Hang in there.
7 Likes
Chances are he doesn’t want the support if he’s cut all ties due to privilege, but to me, love is unconditional and some love languages are “provider,” so in those cases giving up what is being done would cement the idea that his parents don’t love him. I don’t know if that’s his love language or not though.
There’s nothing my kids need to do for me to have my love. There’s nothing they can do to break off that love.
I’ve been there from the “other side” and could have lost my mom forever if she’d given up her love for me. She never did. That included helping me financially a couple of times during the time I wanted nothing to do with her.
10 Likes
Thank you for all the responses.
We gave him the balance of his college money when he graduated… not much. When asked about financial support he said “his friends are willing to help him out.” He has some friends who have unlimited financial resources so my guess is they are funding him right now.
He was home for Christmas for a few days we definitely stay away from most subjects and keep things very surface. His younger brother did bring up why he thought having boundaries in high school was important during dinner one night. Older brother vehemently disagreed and walked out… parting comment was any type of restrictions were the cause of “all of my friends going off the deep end in college.”
His older sister is fine. Graduated from college, has a good relationship with us, and feels like her brother has just lost his way. She has definitely mentioned concerns about the college friends he is hanging with.
I am also sure there are a lot of things we do not know about in his life and choices he has made…
2 Likes
And he is concerned that HE grew up in a home of privilege?
He was there at Christmas! That’s a good start!
10 Likes
Curious. Did you ever consider to stop funding the behavior?
Yep! But his friends are not white so that is the difference I guess.
Seems contradictory. Perhaps the stated reasons are not the true reasons. Especially since most elite private colleges have about half of the undergraduates attending without financial aid, so they must come from relatively financially privileged families to afford that.
12 Likes
Well I am not sure what you mean “funding his behavior?” We supported his housing/food/tuition in college since that is our responsibility.
He also worked during summers and the school year doing various things from internships to delivering pizza so that paid for most of his lifestyle.
For the most part he has not asked us for anything, I think if we had decided not to pay for college he would have figured a way to get financial aid on his own.
1 Like
Yes there are a lot of things that do not make sense. Most of his friends have very tragic stories and some are on financial aid packages… but not all of them.
Many tragic stories that kids have involve parental divorce, which some claim that about half of kids will encounter growing up… but kids of divorced parents are probably greatly underrepresented at most elite private colleges for financial and financial aid reasons.
2 Likes
Not attacking you - you sound like a wonderful parent and I am so sorry you are going through this. We have a similar situation in our family.
Perhaps he could pay you back for funding his college experience. That is not your “responsibility”. Paying you pack may ameliorate some of his guilt. Or, it might make him more appreciative.
2 Likes
Where does it say it’s your “responsibility” to fund through college? Gifting a child an education is a wonderful thing. However, along the way he lost himself. The time to affect harsh wake up was when you first noticed it. Now he’s four years immersed in that yucky bubble. If he was doing heroin, but still making it through would you have funded that out of “responsibility”? I am not trying be harsh I’m merely trying to understand why your concern is now, and didnt act after that first semester.
2 Likes
Appreciate the idea. There were definitely times where I wanted to pull the rug out. However, I do not think that would have helped the situation. He was already blaming us for a lot of things that were impossible to change.
My hope was that his college experience was part of growing up… and that once he was graduated, had a job, etc. that things would be different.
5 Likes
Well when we first noticed freshman year there was not enough to really say “maybe he needs to go to a different school.” Quite honestly once year 2 rolls around as a parent you are in a tough spot… and the blaming, attitude really came to the surface his senior year. Hindsight is always 20/20 for sure.
3 Likes
It is easy to blame “the school” but you may have ended up with the same situation regardless of where he went. Unfortunately he seems to harbor some resentment about his upbringing and unless he is willing to really share, you can’t know why he is so angry. I’m very sorry you are in this situation and I really hope things turn around as he gains some maturity and perspective.
The more that I think about it, if his friends are the ones espousing the privileged white male views, your son gets put in an awkward situation with his friends. He has two choices. He can agree with these feelings or disagree. If he looks at himself and his family and upbringing and finds value and worth in being a good citizen, he would have to disagree with his friends and perhaps risk losing their friendship. However, he might value their friendship too much to want to do that. Therefore, he has the other choice: to agree. If he does the latter, he has to blame someone. And that someone would be you. There’s simply no direct person to blame, other than society as a whole. And when he vocally agrees with his friends, he maintains their friendship.
Perhaps it is not the school, but the friends. Friendships fizzle, people find new relationships, marry, etc. But you will always be there. I think there’s a very good chance he will come around as he matures or his friends become less influential in his life. I truly hopes this happens for you and for your other children, so they don’t lose their brother.
15 Likes
I’m so sorry, this sounds very difficult for you.
Would he be responsive if you offered paying for him to see a therapist? (not family counseling, just individual). He has hard, real feelings that he is trying to deal with, and I think we as outsiders can see that removing yourself from your family is not an effective way of dealing with guilt over privilege. Plus, we are not talking about the elephant in the room as in the pandemic…it is increasing mental health problems in all ages, especially teens and young adults.
I don’t know if it would help or if you would feel comfortable, but one idea is to ask him for recommendations about books about privilege he read/studied, to help you understand. My daughter was a Women’s and Gender Studies major and as such also read many books on race; she recommended several and I definitely learned a lot from them (also, this could help you suss out if it was the education/college/professor, or as some are suggesting, more of a social influence).
3 Likes
We have offered any counseling he wanted but he declined.
There were a couple of demonstrations on campus where “white males” were trashed as they walked by.
I do not think he wants to read any books.
My suggestion is….take care of yourself. If you parents would benefit from counseling…do that for yourselves. You really can’t force a grown up kid to do counseling.
17 Likes