Hi,
Trying to get some perspective. My second kid graduated this year from college (elite institution). We were so thrilled he got into the school of his dreams!
However, we started noticing a change in him after his first semester in school.
During orientation they had several courses and a semester long class (required) that basically left him feeling discouraged and angry about how he was raised. His quote to us " he was raised in a privileged, white household and because he was male was not deserving of the same things as the other kids at school. Completely took us by surprise but figured college is always a place where you figure things out. Over the course of 4 years he has basically removed himself from our family, and stopped communicating with any of his friends from high school. One conversation we had with him a couple of years ago centered on him “needing to fit in” with his friends whom he said were from broken families and many raised in horrible situations.
We are at a loss.
What is he doing now that he graduated college?
He has a job offer and will start work at some point this spring. Other than that I really do not know what he is doing.
Have you talked to him about this recently? I would recommended having a chat with him where you explain you are his parents and love him and would really like a relationship with him. Really listen to his perspective and try to understand where he is coming from. Try not to get defensive. Explain that at this point you can’t do anything about the fact that he came from a “privileged, white household” but want to know what you can you do moving forward to continue having a relationship.
I suspect there is something else going on that he may or may not be willing to share with you. But if it is simply he is embarrassed by his “privilege”, I think this is something he will probably grow out of as he gets older. Unless there is something you do to flaunt your privilege that embarrasses him?
My daughter has a diverse group of friends at school who come from a variety of backgrounds. I get the impression that to some extent those who are more well-off down play their circumstances a bit to the others.
Thank you. Yes, we have had many conversations and even offered to do family counseling. He met once with the therapist and never went back.
The therapist told us to “mourn” the child we had and accept what we cannot change.
I wish it was a matter of clearing the air but no so much.
I guess I am wondering if this is normal?
We have one more left and he is very concerned about what happened to his older brother at college.
I think this is a very difficult situation and I don’t know if anyone here is going to be able to do anything other than empathize with the pain you feel.
None of us know what your son is thinking and feeling. You can try your best to tell us what he said, but ultimately it will be more a game of telephone rather than any of us getting the actual story because none of us know if he gave you all parts of his thinking and whether you were able to hear what he was actually saying when he shared what he did.
Sounds like the therapist gave you good advice to accept what you cannot change and mourn the child you had (if you wish you had that child rather than the one you now have).
I think estrangements are more common than people realize. People don’t like to talk about what is painful and sometimes embarrassing. But I believe they exist in far more families than most people realize.
Sometimes there is a specific “reason” that might not be directly related to any explanation given. Maybe the parents are devoutly religious and the child has stopped following the faith. Or the child is transgender and not out to the parents. Or the parents publicly and loudly espouse political views the child abhors. Whatever.
But sometimes the reason is not obvious. My in-laws (great people — kind, generous, forgiving, and tolerant of views different from their own) had one child who estranged herself. It was very painful for them and they tried to reach out and apologize for any hurt they had caused (although they weren’t aware of anything major), they proposed joint counseling, etc., but were not successful.
As best I can tell from outside the situation, she took minor typical childhood incidents and blew them up into big deals, and wrapped up the hurt of everything that ever went wrong in her life and laid it at the feet of her parents, using them as handy scapegoats.
Many adult children do come around, especially when they start to live more “adult” lives themselves and see things more from the parents’ perspective. I hope that happens for you.
My in-laws have not been so fortunate, but I think that is partly because their estranged daughter did not do a lot of the “adult” things in her 20’s and 30’s — didn’t marry, have kids, buy a house, etc. She kinda got stuck and her bitterness stuck, too. 
No issues like this with your first child?
Perhaps the problem is with the “elite” institution that your first son attended and/or the student body there. The fact that the school mandates courses/training where he was taught that he should feel guilty about being male and raised in what he described as “a privileged, white household and . . . [therefore] not deserving of the same things as the other kids at school” is really troubling in my opinion. Sounds to me more like a brainwashing regimen.
It’s not normal, but it’s also not uncommon and it doesn’t require any particular college to attend. We had something similar happen to our oldest, but it was due to the parent of another student “counseling” him and telling him how bad we were as parents (meanwhile her kids were the ones in jail and/or having other issues). My guy came home once and left his computer open on our table… I shouldn’t have looked, but there were multiple emails - even a separate folder - from her to him. It still has me going WTH even a decade later. He has no idea I saw it. Her influence caused him to cut all ties from back here - friends, family (including brothers), and adults he respected and worked with. He told others how awful we were. We didn’t expect to get invited to his wedding, but he did let us come to that. It was, and is, incredibly sad.
Fortunately he cut ties from that lady post wedding and graduation and slowly things have been returning to normal. You couldn’t even see progress at first though. We always included him in our family things and I figured out his love language. (Google those if curious.) We tried to speak it with him and that seems to have worked. He now enjoys being with us again, has rekindled a life with his brothers, and even sometimes calls to share good news - just like his brothers have always done.
My advice is to accept the kid you have because you’re not changing him, but if you can figure out his love language and do some things showing your love for him, expecting nothing in return, given time, you might find you get your boy back. Whatever you do, don’t kick him out. I see no reason to blame the kid.
In full honesty, my parents got divorced when I was 11 and I lived with my dad. He told me all sorts of stories about my mom, and of course I believed him. She was evil. I couldn’t stand spending time with her. Fast forward to my college days and I discovered who my dad was (in Psych class). I realized I’d believed his delusions. I apologized to my mom many times, asking her how she dealt with it. We “missed” all the years from the divorce to my mid early 20s. She told me she just hoped/prayed I’d be able to see through it someday, but yes, it made her incredibly sad too. We tried to make up for missed time, but I wish none had been missed.
It’s not a “class” or any “college” that does this to people. It’s an influential person or group speaking to minds that are still developing and predisposed to being open to what they hear.
I’m glad my mom didn’t cut me off due to many of the things I said to her or my friends. There’s no way I was going to cut my son off knowing my history - and he’s now back. Don’t cut your guy off and hopefully you’ll have him back someday.
ps My other two saw what happened to their older brother. It opened their eyes and neither had issues going to college. It was oldest who went to a conservative Christian college… both youngers went to secular schools, with youngest’s school considered very liberal. For me, I wasn’t even in college yet, and it was a class/professor who helped me see who my dad was. It’s not college that does these things. It’s people.
I’m sorry to hear that! It must be very sad for you. I guess at this point all you can do is stay in contact in any way he’ll accept and hopefully he’ll come around.
I think that it is pretty common in college students to become more aware of their privilege and be more sensitive to that, but I think what your son is doing is taking it to an extreme.
I wonder if there is a continuing negative influence in his life?
I agree with trying your best to keep the lines of communication open and that hopefully he’ll come back around.
I’m very sorry you are going through this!
This. Happened with my brother and took many, many years to recover- but it did. The language of the time changes, but no matter what the language, that’s not really the root of it.
I’m so sorry you are in this, but it sounds as if you are handling it really well.
Excellent post, @Creekland.
I will add that when you are with him, it’s wise to avoid discussing politics and the ills of society. I changed over the years, and I became a very different person than the rest of my family. I could ignore things that they said, but my kids - who were raised differently than I was - were stressed by things that were said by family members. I insisted that all such discussion was unacceptable in front of my kids. My family didn’t understand it, but they were better about it after I talked to them. After all, we had lots of things that we COULD talk about!
I will also say that some of us see the same thing differently. My older brother absolutely saw things that happened in our childhood differently than the other 4 of us saw them. He simply had a different way of processing experiences. He was clinically depressed in adulthood, and he would dwell on those things we saw differently. His view was his reality. We all loved him, we all hurt for him, and we always included him. He often didn’t show up, but he was always invited. We were privileged to spend a few weeks with him when he was ill/passed away, and it was clear that he never believed that we stopped loving him, and he always loved us.
And finally … we are all our own people. He is who he is, and it’s important to let him know that you love him no matter what & will be there for him no matter what. It’s possible that there is something or someone in his life that he is still hiding from you. He needs to know that you will always be there for him.
How is he supporting himself now? If you are still financing his life that needs to stop.
If you want to lose him forever, that’s good advice.
Mark Twain famously said, “When I turned 30, my father suddenly got a lot smarter.” There’s hope.
As my father said to me when he had kidney stones, “This too will pass.”
I don’t agree. This family can slowly reduce the financial support…plus…I have to say…if my kids didn’t talk to me, I’m not sure I would give money in excess of funding health care.
I also think there is a proselytizing element in college these days. I’ve seen course content for some mandatory courses that made me very concerned.
It is always hard to heal frayed relationships. But one can’t give up.
So many have given such good advice here, and sadly, many of us have similar stories in our own families (@CMA22 could have been describing my brother in the description of their SIL). I want to also just throw it out there that I think late teens/early 20’s are a time when mental illness can emerge. Add to that an influential person/people and it can be a recipe for estrangement.
Perhaps he will mature, or get help (if needed) or move on from certain influences, but in the meantime, IMO, all you can do is, as @Creekland stated, try to find his love language and let him know your love is unconditional.