https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/02/im-worried-my-son-wont-get-good-college/582979/
I wonder if this mom is on CC.
Amen to the answer!
Yes, that was a good thoughtful answer! It was nice that the message was conveyed without an accusation of privledge/entitlement etc.
I just cringe at reading Lisa’s letter.
Yes, but comparing a bright, college-bound HS student to a toddler in a sandbox seemed somewhat comical. I know my son clearly distinguishes his interest in future college from my interest in his future colleges. The article “therapist” seemed a little over-concerned about the obsessed parent setting a “bad example”.
Her answer was perfect. The world is unfair, people need to deal with it and realize that the world is not conspiring against them. A college denying you doesn’t mean you’re a bad person and it certainly isn’t a conspiracy…yes, it is sad and it is hard, but again, it doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or you’re a bad person.
I think she’s right though in that the messages we send to our kids from day one, influence their perceptions and shapes their reactions. The college admissions process is no different. Kids take cues from their parents.
Great response. Lisa from NJ is the mom who also felt that her son should have been the line leader in kindergarten, the baseball captain in middle school, and senior class president. When he didn’t get voted or promoted into something, she pointed fingers. This poor kid’s race, gender, and SES aren’t the problem. His mother is.
She should be happy she doesn’t have a girl! Odds are worse for females at many of the top schools.
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First, I think yucca is mischaracterizing CC, but maybe I am on the wrong forums. I never look at the anxious “chance me” type threads and most posts on the parents’ forum are not like the one in the article.
Second, the answer misses the most important response, which is that colleges are still accepting roughly 50% males and the majority are still white. It is hardly a disadvantage to be white, male and well off. It is a disadvantage to be in the middle, neither getting aid nor being able to afford a selective school, but that’s another story.
Third, in my opinion, I think the response puts way more weight on parental modeling and leaves out experiences in life (for instance, having a serious health issue gives perspective) and the personality kids are born with.
That said the original letter is whiny and misinformed and one hopes this parent can indeed give some perspective to her son. I just don’t think the “therapist” was effective and certainly wasn’t concise.
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If one goes through life looking at difficult situations and taking solace in conspiracy theories, they will never find real world solutions. They need to find the light switch to a working solution.
In this case it is easy. Stop defining success as admission to an Ivy. Stop defining your life by Ivy admission.
When I was applying to college in 1963, two of the vaunted Ivies were in an application dearth - they shall remain nameless. Today the probability of admissions is in the single digits. Harvard Business school even did a case study on it. Turns out it was all about marketing.
It is an insult to a very wide population of bright students and faculty across the country to assume that non-ivy colleges are academic backwaters. Those who believe this are poorly informed and need to do more rigorous research. This requires time and a personal research effort which does not spend all day in the Cadillac showroom while Tesla develops tomorrows vehicle.
The income/wealth levels that do not get college financial aid anywhere seem to be quite a bit higher than the “middle”, and probably allow the parents to confer considerable advantages to their kids compared to the actual middle income/wealth levels.
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From the question: "According to all of the statistics and reports, he should be accepted at Ivy League schools, but he has not been.: What?? She’s in lala land. Her son sounds very similar to my oldest, and I knew it was an extreme reach for him to get into an Ivy League.
“She’s in lala land. Her son sounds very similar to my oldest, and I knew it was an extreme reach for him to get into an Ivy League.”
Yes. Most parents are not reading CC to help put things in perspective, have not done any research, and don’t even attend a college night until junior or senior year. We have bucket loads of parents at our school that think playing on any given sports team automatically means a sports scholarship is in the future. Or that As and Bs in college prep level classes is sufficient to get the student into engineering at U Michigan or Purdue.
“and don’t even attend a college night until junior or senior year”.
Oh the shame! I raise my hand here as do all of my friends and the majority of the parents at our HS. Just keeping it real.
I think the level of entitlement this lady reveals is all to common.
No kidding. Want to change places with someone halfway down the income level? I don’t think so.
This particular complaint is one of my biggest peeves. Do you want to know who is really disadvantaged? The B student, middling to average SAT, whose parents have no savings, low income. Where is he or she going to go? No merit to speak of, no financial aid (because the generous schools won’t accept him or her).
I told my two daughters the same thing when they applied to college (4 years apart): you are white, your parents are educated, you come from a upper-middle class background and you live in California. College admissions is the only time in which any of those things may work against you. Deal with it and be grateful.
And even worse if they live in a place where even the “nearby” in-state public universities and community colleges are too expensive, inaccessible (in terms of commuting to), and/or have limited academic offerings (e.g. rural Pennsylvania).
Yes we need to teach our children to be resilient and to come back better and stronger from failures. That doesn’t mean that we can’t admit that the college admissions in the US is absurd and unfair. The colleges set the standards and our kids will do their best to exceed them. All of the hooks except for low income should be eliminated. All the rest don’t make any sense anymore, if they ever did. Why should a half black child of a millionaire from a top ten high school be given a hook. Times are changing, but all this PC identity politics nonsense must stop and it is not limited to college admissions. As Justice Roberts said, " the best way to stop discrimination is to stop discrimination." We should be able to admit that to our kids without turning them into additional victims. Sure we can and must do better on inclusion and equal opportunity, but America is a much more fair country today than it has ever been. The goal, however difficult, should be to admit students to college based on merit.
@compmom I know that many, probably most, parents on CC are reasonable and do their research, but it’s only natural that many overanxious and disappointed parents end up here too.