^^ I think OP said they aren’t so familiar with these U.S. institutions so is gathering info. They also asked their string teacher, who knows their D but may know little about BS.
It’s hard for us to answer but I appreciate that OP is looking out for their kid.
The boarding school sounds like a better fit for her. If she’s non competitive and collaborative, a highly competitive ny private school would not be comfortable for her.
However, talk with the BS string/orchestra teacher. See if they’ll be able to adapt to a strong string player and stretch her skills. Ask about playing opportunities as well as opportunities to attend concerts (to hear professional musicians).
Taking a guess also like some others have: Suggest “Go with day school” based on
she is kind so she probably doesn’t want to reject your idea of boarding school when you bring it up.
I largely agree with Atomicmomma. I also speak from experience. These schools cater to the rich and they will not push for your student if you are not a major donor or legacy because in all likelihood there are students who fit that profile that they are competing against. I disagree slightly in the sense that colleges want students from these schools because they value maintaining relationships, so while your student may lose out on Harvard (due to not getting the push from the school) to Richie Rich, she will end up somewhere great like Brown, Amherst or Georgetown. Pick the school that best fits your daughter & that she is most excited about. Unless you can cut huge checks to the school or are a legacy the politics are out of your control. Caitlin Flanagan from the Atlantic just this week wrote a story on this whole dynamic, you should check it out. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2021/04/private-schools-are-indefensible/618078/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=atlantic-daily-newsletter&utm_content=20210311&silverid-ref=MzYzODAwMDQzMDcwS0
I feel the need to jump in because every now and again, when someone asks for information, they get kind of chastised for asking random internet people, as if anyone is leaving their child’s fate in the hands of strangers. (Not to call you out here @floating123 – perhaps that wasn’t the thrust of your note; internet interpretation can be imperfect).
But I want to say to @Skyand that I absolutely do not share that perspective. I think reaching out to others who may have been-there-done-that to gather information, perspectives, experiences is simply wise. And where can you find a group of prep-school parents easily and quickly? Here. On a board. Kudos to you for doing that.
I’ll also point out: that we are all on the same board, participating in that exact same activity: gathering information from strangers on the internet.
Again – this doesn’t mean anyone is letting strangers make decisions that should be made by a family.
But wow – what a fantastic database of experiences and wisdom this group has here! These generous, wise parents here have absolutely given us more wisdom and kindness and food for thought than I could ever have imagined when I joined the board a couple of years ago. And, luckily, they have somehow also become real friends, even if just online.
So I wanted to throw that out there for you, OP, and for future readers. Keep asking the hard questions, keep sharing experiences, keep living our lives shoulder-to-shoulder with one another.
Back to your original question: I think the core issue is boarding versus NYC day school. They are VERY different experiences. Academics will likely be great at both (I’m guessing that if BS is mentioned here that it’s a solid player in the top 50-ish, which I think are all amazing). But the boarding versus day experiences are incredibly different. If it were me, I would jump at a 4-year boarding merit so fast, but in full disclosure: 3 of my 4 daughters have chosen residential programs for their high school experiences. So I’m biased. But I do also believe that you send a kid to people not a building, and I would love a boarding school for my kid for its rich diversity.
I apologize for my tone … it didn’t come off right and I see that.
Actually, if you look up BS, you will see that most have a considerable number of diverse applicants of all types. Many kids receive FA. And these Kids are not second class in any respect. Many are strong in multiple areas.
Re: Richie Rich. He was one of my favorites aling with Archie and Daffy Duck, but I have yet to meet him or his kind at any BS my kids attend.
The writer of that article in the Atlantic Caitlin Flanagan despises private schools. Yet chose to send ger own kids to a private school. Hypocrite or something else? BTW, most of her articles hit the same refrains. IMO, they are not well thought out or subjective but it doesn’t bother me. I have seen the benefits of BS. The first place that actually stretched my academic kids.
My oldest was looking at colleges and was reading descriptions aloud. One school had limited international students: mark that a no. Low number of diverse students and those receiving Pell Grants, another no. Ok, that one doesn’t sound siverse enough.
I don’t want to diminish your personal experience- but I don’t think your comment accurately describes most modern boarding schools.
Yes, there are super wealthy legacy types, and yes the schools rely on their money (some more than others). And yes, there are nutty entitled parents and students in all prep schools. Public schools too, btw.
My son is far from Richie Rich. We aren’t legacies anywhere or big donors. We have no connections. He has always felt supported at his boarding school, and so far in the college process there. So far their approach on college has been “let’s figure out what you want and what realistic targets are” and NOT “here are the leftovers, you are on your own” as you suggest. So I disagree with the assumption that boarding schools treat the abundance of “normal” kids who attend as second class citizens. It has not been our experience.
Like with @Happytimes2001 , One of the huge things he has gotten from boarding school is a deep appreciation for diversity (which he would never gotten at his public school), so much so that it is a major requirement for whatever college he will attend. I suspect the emphasis on diversity is new in the past 10-20 years, so perhaps after your personal experience. But it is real.
To your point, though, schools may vary wildly on how much they value and support all students, and that is worth sussing out. I just don’t agree that by definition these schools don’t support students who aren’t uber-wealthy. It sounds like the bs in question is one that has a good balance, and perhaps the day school not so much. I could be wrong.
I agree that the focus for OP’s decision should be the experiential difference between boarding v day school. I won’t repeat what was said above, which pretty much captures it. I would say, though, if the daughter was a fit for both, the money would sway me.
We have first hand experience at both (for different kids) and there are real pluses and minuses to both. However, I would never even consider sending my child to a boarding school they were not excited about. It is very different from going to day school and still living at home and having her life outside of school that she enjoys and has control over. Is she currently in public school? Have you applied to public HS as well? I would try to visit both schools (even drive by for the boarding school if it helped) and see if it helps her decide. I would not make a decision for her.
One of the reasons why we signed off on our son going to boarding school was our belief that he would benefit from the co-parenting aspect of the experience (and so would we). Every family and every child is wildly different, but in our case we thought that our son would respond better to the example setting and support structure found in a boarding school’s residential experience. We were right about this and he came home more centered, more mature, and more exposed in the best possible ways to different kinds of people from around the world. He is our third child.
Our first child did not want to go, but I wish that she had. First children (at least ours) are on
the receiving end of every mistake, neurosis and uptight behavior of first time parents. We could really have used the co-parenting!
Do you mean that your kid would pick up lessons that arise from family differences?
Sorry, I’m not sure what you mean esp. since you’re referring to BS and we’ve had much less contact with other families as compared to previous schools.
@Happytimes2001 - every family is different, but in our case, my wife and I felt that our son would respond well to the examples set by the adults on campus. It’s one thing to hear Mom and Dad say, “be sure you thank so and so” or “be sure you stick up for that kid” or “be sure you do your homework early” or “be sure you take care of your laundry”…the list is endless. But it’s another thing when they find themselves in an environment where every adult and older student expects and models these good behaviors. This is deeply influential. The other co-parenting bonus is that these adults and older kids come from different places and perspectives, which means that the child sees and hears how differences are respected and the right/healthy way to listen and interact. This doesn’t mean that every faculty member or adult on campus will be your child’s role model, but there will always be a few. And in our experience, it could not have been more valuable that our son had other examples, in addition to ours, to help shape him in these most formative years. Hopefully this helps.
I believe the point of Flanagan’s article is more complicated than “private schools are bad”. Here’s a quote from the article that sums up the thesis. She doesn’t despise individual private schools, she despises the fact that in our education system, individual wealth/spending has a strong correlation with student outcomes.
In a just society, there wouldn’t be a need for these expensive schools, or for private wealth to subsidize something as fundamental as an education. We wouldn’t give rich kids and a tiny number of lottery winners an outstanding education while so many poor kids attend failing schools. In a just society, an education wouldn’t be a luxury item.
She’s basically saying that on a systemic level, wealth shouldn’t be the main factor determining whether your kid gets a good education. That’s why she advocates for investment in public schools, or specific policy or school-level changes limiting the amount that individual parents can give, for example. But then on an individual level, because she has the means to pay for a quality education for her child, she’s chosen to do so.
Tends to agree with you the Atlantic author reaped the benefit of the elite private school system for her family, then she is getting the benefit (again) by publicly blasting the system and got to write an article about it. She wants to lead a revolution , only after her family benefited from the system.
Yeah, I’ve seen her writings.
We naturally don’t share the same opinions
@Skyand , I sent you a private message regarding precollege conservatory experiences, and how favorably some of them are viewed by certain top colleges. Look for the green circle in the circle with your landscape photo, in the upper right hand of the screen.
Let’s stay on topic please and not digress further into the article mentioned by some.
We are still deciding, but I just wanted to say thank you to all of you who shared invaluable perspectives and experiences. I have been reading all these responses over and over for the last couple of days. My daughter and I will do our best to choose the right school where she can thrive and grow with happiness. Thank you!