My DH grew up in asia. I do admit to occasionally asking him what nationality someone might be, as I sometimes cannot discern Japanese/Chinese/Filipino/Korean and don’t want to offend anyone. I have in the past been asked if I was Italian. I didn’t think I looked Italian, but apparently to someone I did.
OHMomof2,
You write:
“I avoid asking people who aren’t white that question because I understand it is taken differently and I prefer not to offend people if I can help it, however.”
Thank you. In a multi racial society a little racial sensitivity goes a long way. I applaud your sensitivity.
Someone else said that we shouldn’t jump if people at large are not adapting fast enough to changing social situations such as a fast growing share of Asian Americans in the American society. Yes, we shouldn’t jump based on that one question, I agree with that. The question by itself while irritating doesn’t really do Asian Americans any permanent damage.
But we should also recognize that the spirit behind the question leads to racial biases, sometimes overt and sometimes not even realized by the practitioners of racial discrimination and hence covert, biases that do harm minorities such as Asian Americans. The stereotype that Asian Americans are by and large mindless robots (a racist conclusion) because they self select into certain ECs and academic pursuits and work hard to realize it (all facts by and large) ultimately stems from that.
Such racist stereotypes do cause permanent harm to Asian Americans, as their achievements are often discounted, while similar achievements by non-Asian Americans achieved through similar means are celebrated.
I live in an immigrant community and everyone gets asked all the time where they are from or what they are. Everyone of every race. Simply because parades/saint days/festivals/cultural experiences are a big thing and because many people are from somewhere else, either nationally or internationally. I also work in a field where very few people are local. When the majority is from somewhere else, it comes up in conversation, like “are you flying home for the holidays? I’m from here. Really?” I always felt bad as a kid because I had no ethnic traditions. But I grew up and got over it.
Your comment makes me sad because almost all people who’ve asked me this question are doing it because of some legitimate reason or harmless curiosity, and not out of malice or to try to make a point out of it. Neither my kids who were born here, or DW and I who are FOBs, object to such questions. In the last dozen cases where someone has asked me, it’s usually because of some legitimate reason such “my daughter is going this summer to xyz and do you know anything firsthand about that place that could help plan the trip” or something they’re genuinely curious about “why do your kids and xyz’s all part of the math club and the tennis team, but don’t show any interest in things like the marching band?” etc. I can’t recall anyone following up the “where are you from” with a snarky “so why should you wear a Steelers jacket then?” or “why should you be attending the centennial celebrations?”
If I feel someone has a foreign connection either because they are first gen immigrants or perhaps their parents are, I typically ask this myself because it gives us an opportunity to chat about the differences. Since non-whites are far more likely to be in this category, I tend to ask them more. However, a white kid in a chess club I used to run had parents with a decided non-US accent, and that was the first question I asked them, and it led to a lot of discussion on East European and Asian societies, and where we were now, and if anything, it made us closer.
Being non-white, I probably can get away with asking the “where are you from” question. Having lived in different parts of Asia, I can generally follow up with “how is such and such in Singapore or Hong Kong these days”, and it generally leads to a pleasant conversation rather than hostility. If I ask one of my kids’ contemporaries who has a totally US accent, “where did your family come from”, it typically leads to conversations such as, “my dad keeps saying the same sort of thing were true when he lived in Shanghai” leading to my daughter and her sharing knowing nods at each other, and I getting introduced to her parents as belonging to the same dinosaur species.
To me the bottom line is that for most immigrants, at least for two-three generations, there definitely is a noticeable impact of the source society, and it’s not offensive to talk about it either to relative strangers or those you are closer with. If these differences are stereotypes, so be it, until you get to know them and then they become what you see of them and not the stereotype.
When there were some high profile rapes in the country where I grew up that hit the news, my coworkers and I didn’t see anything wrong about talking about it. We even had a discussion about things like toilet paper, and lack thereof, and if anything it led to us to know each other better.
A rather nosy and rude question. If I were asked that, and I have been asked variants of it, I would ask in return why the kids of the person asking the question show no interest for the Math Olympiad and Carnegie Hall instead of flocking to the marching band and whatever else it is that they do, and that my answer would likely reflect theirs, which is personal preference.
Most people do ask out of curiosity and without ill will, nonetheless I’ve been told often that it makes people - especially people who don’t have an accent - feel like an “other” who doesn’t really belong, and that it is also annoying to be asked a lot. So intent aside, I simply respect that feeling and avoid asking. I make other small talk that isn’t about their appearance.
…now if someone is clearly from another country i.e. strong accent, black white Asian, whatever, I might ask if it feels like a conversation starter. I think that’s different than asking people where they are from based on their racial appearance being different from mine. And gosh, following up an answer like “San Francisco” with “no, where are you really from” is just rude if it’s a stranger or casual acquaintance.
Agree that is is often a conversation starter and not ment to offend. Maybe at times it may come across as insensitive but it was not likely intentional.
My kids roll their eyes when asked where they’re from. Because we have moved so many times, it’s a lengthy explanation.
My dh is a military brat but lived all his childhood years in one location. Whenever anyone tries to guess where he is from, no one, no one guesses his home locale.
When New Yorkers ask me where I’m from originally I get this deer in the headlights look. Diplomat brat moved every two or three years. Ironically If you include my three years in grad school, I’ve lived half my life in NY.
I definitely think that As go to hard workers. As an Asian immigrant myself I find it very easy to get As in America. Although I could not even speak fluent english when i first moved to america (freshman year) teachers gave me As because I showed effort and it was not because i was a fob. It was because i showed effort. A lot of my classmates get As by showing effort and they are not that smart in my eyes. And I am not talking about easy classes. this year im taking 4 aps and ive taken all honors besides language art (taking ap english this year tho).
I find it kind of hilarious that the author of the article is lumping all the people from, like, a gazillion cultures together as Asian Americans simply because they came from the same continent. It’s, like, a continent. A very big continent.
Hey, at least it makes a nano-shred more sense than the hispanic/latino category. Please tell me why Spaniards, Andean indigenous people, Brazilians, white Nazi exiles in Argentina, and Japanese Peruvians are lumped together. But this category excludes Portuguese and excludes Filipinos w Spanish last names…
@GMTplus7 Exactly. The way the statistic was gathered was illogical in the first place.
-_- In my opinion, the Asian has nearly no advantages. Beside the hard schedule we have to make, there aren’t many social activities for us. SAT,ACT,IELTS,… many standard tests we have to make if we want to have a seat in an US’s colleges. I think people’re equal. Don’t take any comparisions here, we’re no longer than you guys.
While the numbers of US-born Asians has greatly increased in the last 50 years or so, US-born Asians did exist well before 1965…albeit in smaller numbers.
Case in point are a large Asian-American communities in the NE and West Coast areas dating back to the mid-late 19th century. And despite this, this question is often asked and the followup “Where are you really from” in those very areas with more than a century of US-born Asian-American communities. IME and those of most Asian-Americans, it’s almost always White individuals who ask those questions in that situational context.
Ironic as with some such individuals I’ve encountered who tend to ask such questions towards what they perceive to be “foreign looking” Americans, their families have actually been in the US for far less time* than some Asian-American in-laws and folks I know in California or NYC whose families have been in the US since the 1890’s or sometimes much earlier.
- Information gathered in the course of asking where THEY are from and HOW LONG their families have been in the US. Hey....if they're going to ask similar types of questions about me and other "foreign looking" Americans, turnabout is fair play....
I’ve never really been sure what to answer when someone asks where I’m from. My parents moved to California from America 2 years before I was born. I was born in California, moved to Michigan when I was three, then moved to Washington state when I was seven. I have a vague Indian accent, even though I can’t speak any language besides English. I celebrate both Indian and American holidays half-heartedly, because I don’t feel American enough or Indian enough to fit in anywhere. People always ask me where I’m from, and I’ve never been able to answer that to myself.
I do all the typical immigrant stuff - math club, academic competitions, etc. but only because I want to, not because my parents want me to. I put a lot of pressure on myself about my grades, but my parents are far more relaxed.
I don’t know how relevant this is, but my point is that it’s not like all immigrants’ kids are academically obsessed because of their parents.
You can answer the city you live in if the context appears to be “where do you currently live?”, or you can answer “California” and/or “Michigan” if the context appears to be “where were you born and/or grew up in early life?”.
My son was being presented with a rather prestigious award today. There were 4 winners, three Caucasians, and him. The auditorium had exactly two Asian Americans out of about 200, my wife and I.
The gentleman presenting the winners, explaining their work, and conducting interviews with them talked to all the three Caucasian kids about their work, and only about their work. For my son, however, he started with three questions
- Where his parents came from?
- Why they came to the USA?
- Does his father (note, not his mother) work in technology?
Then he talked about his work and was highly complimentary.
My son came out laughing after the event, saying that he was thinking - did that just happen!? I was laughing myself, but really, this is irritating. People should really stop doing this and treat American kids as American kids and not as Caucasian kids and Asian American kids.