I think I’ve posted about this before. My husband thinks you should say yes to every invite. Unless it’s a huge conflict, you need to make the time, rearrange your schedule and go. Unless he’s invited that is . Then he spend his time agonizing over the particulars. But will go.
I have a shower invite. For a relative. That didn’t show up to my child’s wedding. Or shower. For a very flimsy excuse. It’s 4 hours away. On a Saturday. In summer. I don’t want to go.
Husband makes me feel guilty that I don’t want to use up a summer weekend and drive hours to attend something.
That and the last time I saw them, they were very rude to me. I’ll attend the wedding but a shower? No thanks.
How obliged would you be, knowing that they wouldn’t do the same for you? Or that it’s a lot of trouble to go to?
I usually go because my husband is so adamant that I do.
Lol I’m a slacker, my husband tries to attend everything, I’m not driving 4 hours for a shower unless it’s my sister, daughter or best friend. Send a gift.
The older I get, the more I am aware that life is short. It has made me more conscious of how I spend my time, and who I spend it with.
Now some things you do because you need/want to. I have a family wedding on Labor Day. I would normally be at the beach for the weekend, but it’s family and I want to be there for my relative.
In your example, I would not feel bad about skipping this shower. Four hours is a LOT of time for a shower. If it was nearby and you could do a stop-by, that is one thing. The distance would put me off even if I had a harmonious relationship with that person. I would send a nice gift and not think twice.
I am also curious what is behind your husband’s (compulsive?) need to attend everything?
I would feel zero obligation to attend a shower 4 hours away for someone I wasn’t particularly close to. I mean that is 2 tanks of gas and possible overnight accomodations and a gift. I’d possibly send a card and small gift/check and forget it.
I think I suffer very much from “obligation”. It’s a curse!
But even as an obliger, I would decide NOT to attend this shower. Make any excuse you want if you feel you need an excuse. 4 hours away, 8 round trip for a shower you already have misgivings about? Stay home and do something else productive.
My husband is the LEAST obligated person. LOL, I wish he would come over a little to my side!
And for the record, a definition of an obliger: (Gretchen Rubin, Happiness expert)
“Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet inner expectations. Of all the Tendencies, Obligers are the biggest group, and the ones whom people count on the most. They put a high value on meeting commitments to others, but may have trouble setting limits and meeting their commitments to themselves.”
I feel like sometimes one issues an invitation out of obligation- bc one is related. The inviter doesn’t want to exclude relatives, even if they have not met.
So, even if I don’t know or haven’t seen various relations, I receive invitations.
I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Life is too short to be guilted into such things. My H used to feel obligated to attend events and I wouldn’t go. He’s be angry, but I’d stand my ground. Why would I waste a Saturday afternoon going to the graduation party of your cousin’s kid who I’ve never met and you haven’t seen in ten years. Nope.
Thankfully, he has seen the error of his ways.
Is it a co-ed shower, where he’d attend too? If yes… tis a joint decision (where you still have a right to plead your case). If no, I say decline and just send a card with a gift card (or mailed gift).
I do try and attend important events for people I am close to – especially when I can do the round trip in one day.
But that shower would be an easy “no” for me - would probably send a small gift from the registry with my regrets.
Or, if DH feels strongly about going - he can go and represent the family. We did that a ton when we had conflicting invitations in a week/weekend. One person would go to one invitation, the other would go to the other one. The ‘conflicting’ obligation here can be that OP doesn’t want to go. That definitely conflicts.
I am a people pleaser but Covid cured me (mostly).
I have the energy for my job (demanding), my growing family (thank god, grandchildren are worth waiting for), my spouse, keeping up with the house (mostly-- but only because I like it clean and tidy, not because I have anyone else’s expectations to meet) and a short list of causes, organizations and friendships that I really and truly care about.
If something is not on this list, I’m a hard no without a lookback.
You are running a gala for your favorite cause that I don’t care about? If you are a close friend, I’ll buy an ad in the journal (unless it’s something heinous that I don’t believe in). You are having a shower for someone’s future daughter-in-law who I’ve never met, don’t expect to meet (except at the aforementioned shower)- she gets a salad bowl off her registry.
I am done spending Sunday nights anxious and exhausted and wondering how I’m going to be “present” at work Monday morning without having had a moment to breathe all weekend. I am done with a long list of “to-do’s” which involve doing other people’s emotional labor.
That’s me. Grandchild too sick for daycare? I’m there. Housewarming party to celebrate an acquaintance’s entry into the landed gentry? Warmest congratulations and so sorry to miss it…
I’m an obliger as well but in this case the answer would be a hard no. I would not let my DH’s opinion in this matter at all.
I/we actually show up for every family occasion. I really like our extended families and want to be there for all the happy occasions- but- it is often not reciprocated by certain people on both sides of our family and it is hurtful. I have attended every wedding shower/wedding ( no matter the distance) and baby shower I’ve been invited to.
My oldest is getting married next year and I already know I’ll be disappointed that people won’t go out of their way to attend events. And if that’s how it ends up playing out I told my DH I’m done going out of my way- no more hosting his family for the big fun Thanksgiving, etc.
cc family, I have been waiting for an opportunity to plug this podcast and am thankful OP has given me the opportunity.
I’ve been doing this boundary-setting work for years, but like others here, Covid seemed to really flip a switch. I found that the podcast above particularly hit home. I’ve been listening to other podcasts with Nedra and have ordered the new book but haven’t read it yet. My dh also is a people-pleaser, like the OP’s dh, though he is growing out of it thankfully. Just yesterday we were at lunch and we both said that we are so glad to be 60 and to not put up with the stuff we used to. It can be uncomfortable to set boundaries, but it’s so important.
I don’t feel obligated to do anything. I never have. It’s nice to be included, but if it’s not something I want to do, or if it’s just too difficult to swing, I have no problem saying thanks for the invite, but I’m not able to attend. I don’t know if being an introvert is part of it … but I learned long ago that I don’t always enjoy events to which I might be invited, and I don’t need to do things that I don’t enjoy.
. Then he spend his time agonizing over the particulars. But will go.
It’s a curse!