Another vote to send your regrets and gift. I’d feel no remorse about the decision either.
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This is me and I do think being introverted plays a role. I also don’t get the entire “ I attend everything because I like too, but if they don’t reciprocate I’m done”. If you do it because you enjoy it, why keep score?
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W and I are very “self-centric” meaning we don’t do anything we don’t want to do. For a serious obligation like immediate family wedding, we’ll make an effort. But most everything else, unless we actually want to do it we’re not doing it.
I think OP needs to have a serious heart to heart with her H. Certainly he can do whatever he needs to do to satisfy his neuroses, but as W and I say to each other jokingly, “leave me out of it.” Trying to dictate your partner’s behavior against their repeated objections doesn’t sound very healthy.
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I wouldn’t go if it were five minutes away with the circumstances you described. I’d send a nice gift along with my “regrets.” Then again, I’m an introvert and don’t like to go to anything. 
I’ve also got a very social husband, so we do go out with friends a lot, but it’s always my first instinct to think of an excuse to say no. That was the one good thing about pre-vaccine pandemic-I didn’t have to search for an excuse to say no to things.
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There is a baby shower for a niece this weekend that is 5 hours away. I declined. I would have liked to have gone, but we recently got back from a driving trip that was 2500+ miles each way. We had to get back, so we had 3 nine hour driving days plus a shorter day. Next week we have a 900 mile one way trip for our grandson’s graduation. I just didn’t feel like being in the car again for 10 hours round trip. We also need to be at church this weekend. While I do love this niece, I just can’t do it.
I sent my regrets and sent a gift. Not guilty at all.
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I like the idea - send H and you stay home. He can be your family’s representative if he feels that strongly about.
I don’t feel a lot of obligation to go to showers, weddings, etc. I guess I did go to the weddings of my co-worker’s two D’s. I would have skipped them, but I do consider her to be my closest IRL friend and I see her every work day! And both were in town. I let H skip the second one though. He at least knew the groom in the first.
H feels even less obligated than I do to attend such things. I’m irritated with him at this exact moment, but I will give him that - we are on the same page on this issue.
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I wish I knew why my husband feels you have to say yes to every invitation. It’s his thing. It’s usually fine. He has a strong sense of wanting everyone to feel included. You definitely can’t exclude people.
This is my husband’s side of the family. The parents are divorced, a recent acrimonious divorce. The niece whose wedding it is, I know, but she’s not very friendly. Her father, who is my husband’s brother is the least obligated person ever. He would not put himself out to travel to anything. Not his thing. Isn’t it odd how different siblings can be.
The shower would involve taking my upper 80’s in laws who don’t get around well. Because their other son wouldn’t think of helping his parents, so we would be the responsible ones.
This niece came to my mil’s town 2 weeks ago. Stayed at her dad’s and never came over to see her grandparents. 4 blocks away.
That’s it, my husband is the responsible one. Very very responsible!
Besides it’s an 8 hour drive. On a weekend. In the summer. On I-75. On a weekend. We would be going against traffic but still. For people who as my mother in law says, wouldn’t cross the street for us.
I’m very relieved and happy to hear that this isn’t a must do. I will stay home and enjoy the summer weekend. Maybe I’ll see how much it would be to fly to my mom’s. Visit her that weekend.
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Sometimes the person who is the “very very responsible” one is over-compensating AND doing the emotional labor that belongs to someone else. So if it brings someone joy to do these things- fantastic. If it’s yet another obligation that often goes unnoticed and is unnecessary- what happens when you skip it?
NOTHING! Nothing happens.
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Its also not fair for him to ask you to have to drive the several hours each way to attend this. Is he planning to keep you company in the car and then go amuse himself while you attend the event? Thats a lot of driving to do in one day otherwise. Its a no for me!
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I forgot to say that it is a couples shower. I’m sure he didn’t hear that when I read him the text from my ex sil.
But yes, he would. For my dil’s wedding and baby shower in the same area, I went on my own. With my mother in law. I did stay at my in laws one way because I couldn’t physically drive both ways in one day. I had tremendous anxiety driving that far both ways. And in Detroit, which I am not used to driving through.
My husband has a very high moral compass. You don’t make excuses, you don’t lie. And if you can, you do. I’m sure he would go to the shower but it hasn’t been an option before.
I know a LOT of people with a very high moral compass.
Someone needs a ride to chemo- they’re the one. A colleague needs a bone marrow transplant-- they’re organizing a screening event at the Y, spending HOURS on social media getting the word out, paying for a van to transport people without cars to the screening site. Elderly neighbor has a hip transplant- they are buying groceries (after a long day at work), setting up a meal rotation (and doing more than their fair share), organizing a local scouts troupe to mow the lawn, take out the garbage, etc.
Attending a shower? This is evidence of a high moral compass? This is FOMO- which is fine- but has nothing to do with morality! I know someone who donated both a liver AND a kidney (there are only a handful of people in the US who have been medically cleared to do both) and was incapacitated for months after the liver donation (has a job, young kids, said he’d do it all over again to save someone’s life).
So I think you can safely stay home from a shower, even with a high moral compass-- you don’t need to lie or make an excuse, you just decline!!!
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I normally don’t feel obliged and when I do it’s for a reason. Thankfully, hubbie is the same.
His nephew and his wife just had a baby and we are invited to the babtism next month. But it’s a lake weekend and we’re not going. Neither of us feel guilty.
On the other hand, I have a friend and we do things as several couple a few times a year. Her daughter’s wedding is on a July weekend and we are going although DH put up a bit of resistance. I guess it depends on the event. I wouldn’t go for a shower and not go to the lake.
As far as your situation, I’d dig in my heels. I wouldn’t lift a finger for any of them.
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I assume you would be heading down I-75 through Michigan. Construction is awful, so your 8 hour drive would probably be more. Go visit your mom!
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Do you think he especially feels obligated because you two are the key to his parents being able to attend? And he doesn’t want to let them down?
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If the niece didn’t make the effort to see the grandparents when she was a few minutes away from them while in their town, then I certainly wouldn’t feel any obligation to take them on a four hour one way drive for a shower for that same niece.
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I think he doesn’t realize that he would have to be involved in this yet. I think he thinks it would only be me. He would go as it’s a thing you should do. Not want, should.
It’s always a conundrum to try and help the parents.
@kelsmom, lots of construction on 75? Ugh! That is my worst nightmare. And yes through Michigan. I hate traveling down 75 in the summer.
@123Mom123 yea, my mother in law was quite hurt by that. This niece has come into town twice now without seeing her grandparents. It’s rude. My mil even invited my niece to dinner but my niece wanted to go to dinner with her dad. No invite for the grandparents. But we don’t know what kind of untruths her mother is telling.
Again, I really appreciate all the advice.
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Would you consider sending dh by himself, as he’s the one who feels strongly about it?
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Maybe. I’m hoping he will see the insanity of this. And that his parents will see that it’s not necessary either.
Airfare isn’t cheap this year either. 
I looked, it’s double of what I paid before to get to my moms.
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As you have described the relationship and how they have behaved towards you, I would assume that they invited you out of obligation and not out of a strong desire to have you spend and celebrate their important day with them.
If that’s the case, I would have no guilt about not attending in your situation.
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ZERO OBLIGATION! Life is too short!
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