In fairness, there can two sides of that story, too, beyond the specific dinner scenario. My husband and his older brother — and their children — have had vastly different relationships with their parents/grandparents. My BIL always needed financial assistance when he was a younger adult and always needed babysitters for his kids. My husband never asked for or needed anything…and that’s what we have gotten. We genuinely didn’t want or need anything material, but because that was their way of controlling the relationship, it meant that our kids didn’t get phone calls or visits, either.
The in laws attended all of our niece’s and nephews’ events, babysat, gave money as they got older, helped with down payments on houses, etc. My brother-in-law divorced and remarried several years ago, and he and his second wife are quite well off now. The children he has with his second wife are treated as my children were.
My mother-in-law likely tells her friends that she doesn’t get invitations when she does, and that she is hurt by us or our kids.
I am not trying to extrapolate our family to yours but only pointing out that relationships are personal and complicated. Perhaps the niece was rudely excluding her grandmother, as you surmised, or maybe she was struggling to balance both of her own parents’ requests after a difficult divorce. She may not have had the emotional bandwidth to have dinner with her grandmother after walking a tightrope with her parents.
I don’t feel compelled to do many things out of obligation, and try not to judge others who are creating their own boundaries.
This post made me think to have your dh watch the podcast linked above!
Being the “responsible” one is a family script that can be rewritten. And y’all know my favorite phrase – when we overperform, it gives others permission to underperform.
My mother in law was there for these grandchildren. They were local and my in laws picked them up from school. Went to their sporting events and my mil cried when this granddaughter moved out of state for a short time because she was the baby and they spent so much time together.
No, this granddaughter was the chosen one. I’m sure it’s incredibly difficult that her parents divorced after 30 years. My ex sil has badmouthed her ex to her daughter despite him (and her daughter) begging her not to. So I suspect that my ex sil is also throwing her ex in laws under the bus. Or my niece isn’t interested in a relationship with her grandparents. My niece is a complicated person.
This isn’t about this one obligation but a larger problem within my marriage. I have an extremely happy marriage but all these shoulds instead of wants get tiring. Sometimes it would be nice to not have this heavy burden of always doing the right thing. Not everything needs to be done. Or said yes to. It’s tiring. And we don’t have to have a “good” excuse to say no.
Haha, my husband is happy being the way he is. He doesn’t overthink it. He is convinced he is correct in his way of thinking. It’s the “polite” thing to do.
The problem is me. I think we can decline invitations occasionally. I feel burdened by the responsibility.
My ex sil felt burdened that her husband never felt any responsibility to go to any obligation. It was something that contributed to the end of their marriage.
You DEF are not the problem. You have what sound like reasonable boundaries. If this is that important to dh, then he can go. I’m sure he is happy with the way he is – that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. lol
Don’t go. If your husband cares so much about it, HE can go. YOU should stay home. Life is too short to spend so much time giving a rip about people who clearly don’t give a rip about you.
Inspired by this discussion, I declined a lunch invitation in nyc Friday that would have cost me 3 hours of commute and allowed only 4 hours of sleep Thursday night. If I weren’t this fortified, I would have tried hard to make it work.
While I said that I think it’s ok to decline (and I stand by that) and I would have jokingly said “send your husband!” , the truth is - for ME - sending my husband would be no better of a stay home day for me. I would feel terribly guilty for him going alone when we were expected (?) to go as a couple. I would not enjoy my day at home and more than likely I’d begrudgingly take the trip.
Because as I said, I can be an obliger- and if feel obliged to not let him go alone!
@happy1 yes, he’s a wonderful person and I’m very blessed to have him as my husband.
@abasket i certainly understand and I would feel guilty also if my husband went without me.
But if my husband would decide not to go to a couples shower and I went on my own, not one person would think that was out of line. Because females are supposed to be the family participants in family gatherings. And the men always get a pass. It’s a double standard that’s always been there.
There have been many instances where my husband hasn’t been available and no one batted an eye. For him it was always work. But it was ok, because one of us fulfilled our obligations.
@deb922 save your driving time for something you really want to do. IMO, four hours driving each way is way too much driving for one day…and especially for something you don’t want to do. Send a gift and call it a day.
Save your driving/travel time for the CC meetup in MI! If the NYC one was any indication…that’s worth the trip!
I always start from a position of “no” for anything I’m invited to. You have to convince me to say “yes.” The only exception so far has been our son’s wedding. DH has gone to many, many, many parties, family events, business functions, weddings, funerals, concerts, and foreign locations without me. At this stage of my life, people are surprised if I show up, and I’m sure some think I died years ago. I have zero guilt about this.
I’m not sure I’ve ever attended a shower, didn’t have any myself because why put anyone else through that torture? @deb922 , you have my permission to tell your husband you’re not going simply because you don’t want to. That’s all the reason you need. No guilt.
Been thinking about this. I have been firmly in the “no” category, but looking from the other viewpoint, who cares how the honoree will feel- how will your husband feel if you don’t go? Will it blow over quickly as no big deal, or will he be disappointed, hurt or upset for a while? You don’t have to live with the honoree, you have to live with him.
I’m sure this will sound mean, but how the dh feels is his responsibility, not hers. Why should that figure into OP’s calculus if the dh isn’t listening to what OP wants?
From someone who has behaved toward me in the way you describe this person, I would assume that they had no genuine desire for me to come, and that shower invitation was nothing more than requisitioning a gift. But maybe I’m cynical, lol.
I never feel any obligation unless I’ve agreed in advance to attend. For example if a friend asked if I would come to a shower, lunch, party on a certain date and I had said yes, then I’d really try to go. For an invitation that arrived in the mail? No.
For an event like OP is asking about, I’d go if I wanted to, or if there were other people going I wanted to see and talk to. I like luncheons, I like cupcakes, so I’d go (but maybe not with a 4 hour drive).
I agree. OP’s husband is using emotional manipulation to force wife into an action she is not comfortable with - and if I’ve read this correctly, is also implying his mother needs to go too? This is more of a marriage control dynamic than an obligation question. It’s not like turning down an invitation to a coronation! It will be interesting to hear his reaction when told invitation is for him too. At a minimum, I would never go unless he goes too. And makes all the arrangements. And does all the driving.
Because she has to live with him. I am just musing as I still think she is fine to say no, but I would just suggest she think about any long term implications. Hopefully there aren’t any. Sometimes I do something I really would prefer not to because it’s important to my DH. So I suck it up and do it. But if this is just one of many things he says “go because you weee invited” and it isn’t all that important to him, that’s different.
