I wouldn’t go for several reasons. The hosts clearly aren’t close to you, even though they are relatives. Four hours is a long drive when you don’t even like the people. Finally, the fact that they didn’t attend your daughter’s wedding (assume they didn’t have a huge conflict), suggests to me that they’re just inviting you because you are related. Send a card and a gift and be done with it. You don’t need the hassle.
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I follow her on Insta. She’s great
I started to as well after this podcast.
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I would never go to this unless I or my husband was especially close to the niece or other family. If you’re planning on going to the wedding that’s enough in my book.
The bridal shower is literally a showering of gifts and was sort of like a dowry for the bride to set up the new couple for housekeeping. Traditionally you would give gifts like you kitchen and bath stuff, maybe bedroom stuff if you’re being saucy etc.
Recently there has been a new tradition emerging of “wedding showers” which are more inclusive (bridal showers are only women). Sound like that is what deb922 has been invited to.
Different countries and different regions of this country have different traditions. I know in some other countries you only give money at weddings which in my part of the US during the time when I was growing up was considered crass and like you didn’t even take the time to check their registry at the local department store and go buy something. Single men might give money, but a couple or woman almost never would. It is much more common now and cash is the last wedding gift I gave to my cousin’s son who had been living with his fiancé for several years.
But “shower” literally means “showering the new couple with gifts” or “showering the new baby on the way with gifts” or my local pet rescue organization is having a “kitten shower” to “shower the new kittens with food and toys”. If you go to a “shower” you have to bring a gift. That’s the whole point.
Wikipedia has a decent article on it: Bridal shower - Wikipedia
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I was recently invited to a bridal shower for the daughter of a close friend; the invitation said “no gifts.” The couple has lived together for several years and they don’t need anything. My friend (the host) said people had been asking her if her daughter had a registry (she doesn’t). After getting the registry question from almost all the invitees, my friend talked to her daughter. The result–my friend sent an email to the invitees (all women) with links to places where her daughter would use a gift card; the list included yoga studio, barre studio, nail salon, facial/skin salon, and massage/wellness place, which offered V-steaming. (I had to look that one up–yikes!!). I found that list helpful and got a gift card for yoga classes.
“Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn’t sound like something I’ll enjoy.”
Sheldon Cooper
Sometimes I wish I could be more like Sheldon
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I think Sheldon got that reply from me.
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For most of our marriage, I’ve knocked myself out trying to make all of DH’s relatives happy. I’m the one who ended up being the cat herder and ring master to coordinate everybody getting together. Nobody could (nor can they today) ever make a decision on anything, yet they all insisted that we get together for holidays and such. Multiple phone calls and hand wringing from multiple relatives. SO much stupid drama over the years.
And then 4 yr ago, I got breast cancer. And had a double mastectomy. And then reconstructive surgery a couple of months after that.
Well, let me tell ya…there’s nothing like staring death in the face to get you to reprioritize what’s important to you. Don’t go to the stupid shower. Your DH can go. Send a gift and your regrets & well wishes, but don’t go. Nobody can MAKE you do anything you don’t want to do.
That first Thanksgiving and Christmas after my reconstructive surgery was only about 3-3.5 months after. In September, just 2 WEEKS after the reconstruction was done, DH started asking, “What are we going to do for the holidays with my family?” I told him to figure it out, and that I’m willing to go along with whatever they all wanted to do, but I was NOT planning ANYTHING that year. ESPECIALLY after what I’d been through health-wise.
Guess what? Early November came around and nobody had planned a darn thing. They all expected me to just somehow make it happen again.
I told DH, “Forget it. I don’t want to spend the holidays with ANY of them. NOT this year. I’m done. Not doing it. We are spending the holidays with our friends instead. I want to sleep in on Xmas Day, lay around in our pajamas all day, eat Christmas dinner in our PJs with our friends, and not knock myself out accommodating everybody’s special needs and drama.”
So we did that. I left it up to DH to tell his aunt & uncle that we’d be an hour-90 min drive from them at Christmas, so I was willing to meet up if they wanted to. Guess what? He never told them. Never bothered.
Afterwards, the aunt & uncle found out about it and got all upset. But would they have been available anyway to meet up? Oh of course not, they were busy.
So…forget your drama queen extended relatives who are doing this dumb gift grab and expecting you do drive 4 hr one way for a shower. Send a gift from Amazon, you can even add gift wrapping, and call it a day.
AND DON’T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT! You’ll be fine. your DH will be fine, too. The world will still continue to turn on its axis. The sun will rise again for yet another day. All will be well.
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Excellent response
The whole point of a shower is to “shower” them with gifts. Now, of the last few showers I’ve attended, only one actually opened the gifts at the shower (baby shower). For the others, you either sent the gifts in advance from their wedding registry, or you brought them and put them in a designated place.
All of the brides/new mothers sent nice thank you notes later.
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My DH is VERY social and almost always wants to go to things we are invited to. I’m much more like you. DH will usually make a case for going, but over the years he has, like your DH, gone without me, usually good naturedly. He has occasionally been frustrated about it, but most of the time takes it well.
Unlike you, I have often conceded and gone to things I really didn’t want to attend because DH has managed to talk me into it. It’s the rare occasion that I don’t end up having a good time, but most of the time I’d really rather putter around the house in my sweat pants, just enjoying my sanctuary. I have always put my heart and soul into creating a beautiful home, so it’s only natural that it’s my favorite place to be.
The life of an introvert… 
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There is absolutely no way I could convince my husband to attend a shower of any kind. And I personally would not drive 4 hours each way to attend one either. Unless it was one of my sisters kids. But I would combine that with a family vacation…not just a day trip for a shower.
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I’m the one, from my generation, who moved far from family. I get to decide whether to attend events back ‘home’. There have been times I didn’t get a shower invitation out of consideration of the distance.
I make a few visits per year to see my dad and siblings; if there is an extended family event, I try to time that date to a regular visit. I enjoy the opportunity to connect with extended family but wouldn’t make a 4 hour trek each way only for a shower.
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