I’m hoping once my husband realizes he has to attend this, that it won’t be that important to do so
But if he does. And if his mother asks him to take them, we will cross that bridge when we get to it. I personally think that their other son should be the one who takes his parents. Since he lives 4 blocks away and his parents still do a lot for him. But this isn’t the way it usually works.
I also informed my mil that I was not going to attend any showers, if there were any.
I’m not sure my in laws will want to go. They live closer but a 4 hour round trip. And it’s a party. My fil doesn’t get around well and it functionally deaf so events are difficult. But who knows on that one.
My husband never holds grudges and is ok once I dig my heels in. Because it’s not something I do often. I use my veto power sparingly
My husband has multiple siblings, and a huge number of cousins. I once got an invitation to a shower that was multiple states away, in the worst weather month of the year, during COVID (not the worst of COVID, but not recently either). I don’t drive in the snow, and I wasn’t flying to a shower and staying in a hotel for someone I’d met once (or many people at all, quite frankly). I think they were surprised I didn’t go, but I was comfortable with my decision. I sent a nice gift.
Some of the invites I get feel a little like gift grabs, but they really are for inclusivity. I think that approach is better than not including certain people of the same “level,” or relationship to person or whatever.
Yeah, I think we can put too much emphasis on a shower. It does really sometimes just feel like a gift haul. There are other ways you can support this niece and her fiance (we should count this event as for a couple NOT for just the bride, IMO) besides going to the shower. A card, text, call before the shower to wish them a happy day. Send some flowers to the shower venue or their home as a “im thinking of you even though I won’t be there”. None of that necessary of course, but “required attendance” just shouldn’t be a thing for a shower!
Do you expect an invite to the wedding and will you likely go? (sorry if you mentioned that above)
Yes we will be invited to the wedding. As will our kids. I have no idea if they will attend. One of the kids has a small child and the other has another wedding that day. So I guess it will depend.
It may depend on what your MIL wants to do and if your DH (and possibly you) decide this is an opportunity to spend time with his parents. If you can make this a visit with them and only a 2-hour drive to the shower, it may be less objectionable.
You are not obligated to go to this shower in any way. For me, it would be harder to say no if it is more of a “visit the in-laws with a shower” event.
We visit the in laws plenty. At least once a month. Although my mother in law begs us to visit more. It’s a 100 miles to their house.
We love our summers in our house. Where the weather is gorgeous and short.
Last summer we spent a large chunk of time at our daughter’s to help her through her medical treatments. Id like to spend as much of the summer as I can at my own house.
I’m sure my husband has forgotten the conversation we had yesterday. We will revisit it once we get the invitation. At least there will be an invite. The last one to get married sent out a text.
I have a similar situation. We have a wedding for a very good friend’s daughter in August. Coincidentally, there is a memorial service for the mother of a childhood friend of DH the day after the wedding. While they are in the same state, the memorial service is at 11am, 4.5 hours away. I have never met this friend, but DH spent a lot of time with him when he was overseas for work. I immediately said I really didn’t want to go, but DH was making plans for both of us for a longer trip.
Once it became clear that this would mean leaving the hotel before 6 am the morning after the wedding, I think he finally understands that I don’t want to do this.
I feel a bit bad as this person was a good friend to DH when he was overseas so I feel like I “should” go with him. However, logistics don’t work and I also don’t want to have to use up vacation time and then have a 6 hour drive home.
I very much believe in the “there are things we WANT to do and there are things we SHOULD do” camp.
But even with that, there are times the line has to be drawn for practical reasons. If anyone in the family is keeping a score card on family members, that’s their problem!
It’s a shower, it’s only purpose is gifts, “shower” the guest of honor with gifts. It is not a party, it’s a torturous event of watching someone open gifts and ooing and ahing. Around here there are certain events where gifts are expected, weddings, showers, Catholic sacraments, birthday parties, Bar and bat mitzvahs (most of the gifts are cash though).
I view all these events as celebrations, get blessings, reconnect with friends and family. If someone brings gifts it leaves me very uncomfortable. At that point there is some obligation to reciprocate. You need to keep track of who gave what etc. The size of the gift is unimportant to me and the giver. It is just noise.
It’s a shower, a socially acceptable gift grab, it’s sole purpose is gifts. How many showers have you attended with no gifts? Yes, the guest of honor is expected to send thank you notes, at some point it became common for guests to address their own thank you note envelope but I’m guessing labels could be made for the invitations and notes. I’ve never heard of anyone showing up empty handed, what’s the point of going? Certainly not for the dumb games (which many have because a lot of guests don’t even know each other, because it’s not a party). ETA, there are helpers who hand the gifts over, and write down who gave what, and maybe make a silly hat out of the bows.
That is why I do not like these type of events for me personally. Because a gift is expected. And that’s something I’m not comfortable with.
And then there is the whole issue of throwing showers for adults who have lived together for a considerable amount of time. Who own a house and make a very good amount of money.
But that’s another topic for another day. And I know I’m in the minority on that
If we call a party, we will personally phone and call people. And absolutely no gifts. In the old country, for big events like weddings, people were expected to invite people in person. Not by email. And not by phone call :-). I grew up elsewhere.
And we just invited people to a party, and I told people you don’t have to come if inconvenient. But we’d love to see you.
I am not saying back in the old country people don’t give gifts. But amongst people of my generation from my country who are here in the US, many /most people are reasonably well to do. And gifts are out the window.
This is why I resisted having a wedding shower. Several family friends asked to host one, and I thanked them and asked if it could be something else instead. One friend had an engagement tea for us; another did a cocktail party. Some people did bring gifts, which we accepted and thanked them for. But the gifts weren’t inherent in the event.
Re the OP: I agree that this is about how you want to handle your relationship with your husband. You have zero obligations to the event or its guest of honor.
We will revisit it once we get the invitation. At least there will be an invite. The last one to get married sent out a text.