The other option of course is to not offer the diamond as a engagement/wedding ring diamond, but to offer it later perhaps at/after marriage as a “welcome to the family” necklace. Or for your son to give it as a gift.
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Funny, I Googled it, and apparently it’s quite a state by state thing:
In CA: the donor of the ring will get to keep it after a divorce unless the courts rule otherwise
Wow, I like this idea! Of course it doesn’t spare the young man from purchasing a pricey engagement ring. But on the plus side, there’s no chance of DIL secretly resenting getting “stuck” with her MIL’s engagement ring which she wears everyday, and then she’ll just LOVE her in-laws all the more when they present her with a stunning “welcome-to-the-family” necklace!!
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I would wait until your S’s relationship is more serious. At that point you can show him the diamond and offer it. It is a generous and lovely offer. If it turns out they want something different or if her family also has diamonds don’t be offended – wear it as a necklace and enjoy.
FWIW I have the diamond my father (who passed away) gave to my mother when they were engaged. She no longer wore it as she remarried (to another wonderful man). DH insisted on paying for the diamond and gave my mom what we planned to spend on the ring (DH never put it together but my mother gave the money back as a wedding gift LOL). We put the diamond in a new/very different setting that I still adore. The ring remains so meaningful to me --reminding me of both my late father’s and my husband’s love.
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Easy in our household - just one child, our ds.
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Exactly. I view it as a financial savings to ds which allows for any funds that he would have used for a ring to be used elsewhere.
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When it was known that both my son and daughter would be getting engaged in the near future, my mother made an offer to both. She had an small pair of diamond studs which she offer one to each child. They were both told they could use it as the stone for the engagement ring, or sell it, using the money for a new stone. I had the earring appraised before giving to my kids, and they were not worth as much as my mother thought they were.
My son sold his as the cut was not was his now wife had expressed an interest in. My SIL wanted to pay for daughter’s ring himself, and felt that accepting the stone meant someone else contributed to the cost. Her ring was custom made in the UK, with my SIL designing it himself. Both girls have the ring they wanted, and my daughter used her stone in a necklace she had made after her daughter was born.
My ring belonged to my husband’s mother, who died when he was 11. She had 3 children, 2 of which were boys. My husband was left the engagement ring, his brother the wedding band. While at the time we were engaged I thought I wanted a pear shaped diamond, this ring was larger than I would have received if my Medical Student husband had purchased something himself! 
For our 10 anniversary, my husband wanted to have the ring redone to something different/bigger. While I didn’t know his mother, this was her ring, and I felt I should keep it the way it was. 42 year later, I still wear the ring as it, daily!
I think letting your son know in the near future that this stone is available, if and when he would like it. If when the time comes he doesn’t want to use it for a ring, I like the suggestion that you give this to a future DIL as a gift. It can be as a wedding gift, or maybe a first anniversary. Or let son do with it what he wants, if you would be ok with him maybe selling it.
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I would offer it, but do tell him “when the time comes, if your fiancee has her heart set on another cut, don’t feel obligated to pressure her to accept this one.”
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Good idea! It’s always a good idea to emphasize that it’s for “when the time comes” that way he doesn’t feel like you’re rushing anything. If you have other stuff you want to pass on to him too, maybe show him those as well…
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My wife says she would’ve been fine with a cubic zarcona. I know her younger self would’ve said otherwise.
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I would feel like I had to accept the ring even if I didn’t want it. I think it puts the DIL in an awkward position.
I like the suggestion of gifting it to DIL as a necklace later on or gift it to a grandchild.
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I have really strong opinions on this based on the situation we are now facing with our son and DIL divorcing less than 2 years after their legal marriage and less than 1 year after their big Covid-delayed wedding bash. Saying we’re shocked is an understatement - I would have bet my last dollar they had what it takes to go the distance.
We do not come from families with money so there were no family stones. But my husband has been very generous with the jewelry he’s given me. When DS asked if there were any stones he could use, I told him he was on his own for this even though I love, love, love DIL. Now I am so glad I didn’t offer any of my diamonds. As it stands, she is going to leave the marriage with a lot of money that came from us, both as gifts to them and gifts to DS that became comingled after marriage. I know this may not make sense, but the money doesn’t mean as much to me as my jewelry, even though a stone wouldn’t have been anywhere close to the same monetary value.
This whole situation had been heartbreaking to say the least. And it has made us rethink how we are going to help our kids in the future. We are going to do whatever we can to make sure any gifts of value stay within our family. And I’m only going to give my jewelry to my daughter. I know of too many cases where family pieces have been lost in divorce. I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d be in this position, but here we are.
I’m sorry to put a damper on the OP’s question. It is a lovely thought to pass down a stone. But you just never know what is going to happen. Just make sure you’re OK with a worst case scenario.
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I’ve already said out loud many times that they can have my stone, not sure they will do it. I’m not particularly care one way or the other.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. No apologies needed about putting a damper on question. Your perspective is very valuable.
I would not give up my own engagement stone even though it is smaller. And, I have a larger diamond dh purchased for me later on that I would not give up either. I absolutely understand your feelings.
DS1’s wife’s family had many pieces of jewelry. Ds’s MIL is an only so it all came to her. Ds used a family stone for the wedding ring, and they melted down many of the gold pieces for their bands. Her ring was custom-made and is gorgeous. Her brother is about to get engaged, and he was offered a family stone as well. His gf is Danish and marriage isn’t that big a deal to her, but it’s important to DIL’s brother so they will get engaged and married. She saw the family stone last month, and they took it with them back to Denmark.
I’m in the group that says mention it now in a no big deal way. Say it occurred to you that you had never mede this known to him. No pressure but when the time comes you and betrothed decided whether it’s something y’all want to use.
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I’m going to wait and see how things develop over time. This is a very new relationship, and I have no doubt I am jumping the gun. There is absolutely zero urgency at all. I imagine ds will come see us either next TG or Christmas, and I can show it to him then. Or, we will be at the same wedding in May. Perhaps I will wear it to that and use that as an opportunity to show it to him.
@Nrdsb4 ‘s phrasing is great - thanks!
My mom gave me her mothers wedding ring which I wear as my wedding ring. My mom is divorced from my dad and she gave my sister her ring from my dad which had a very high quality diamond. My sister is 60 and in a very long term relationship with no plans to marry. When my son and his now wife were looking at rings my sister offered the diamond and they had it reset.
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My son was engaged recently. I wondered if I should offer my engagement ring from his dad, but we were divorced. I did not offer it, but in mentioning it to the GF at some point after engagement she was glad he didn’t use it - she felt like it could be “bad luck” since we were divorced.
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I absolutely loved my MIL. She was like a second mother to me. That being said, I would NEVER ever want a diamond that belonged to someone else, even her. I feel the same way about used/consigned clothing and old jewelry. I feel like a diamond engagement is something special between two people. I’d be fine with a diamond piece of jewelry that wasn’t part of an engagement ring.
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My 25 year old D recently got engaged. She and her fiance dated for 5 years and have been living together for 2. Very early on in the relationship, the fiance’s grandma let it be known that she had some diamonds available and it became sort of a running joke with D and her fiance that granny was proferring her diamonds. Finally they accepted the gift of two small diamonds and had a ring made with a tsavorite stone in the center. They also used a local jeweler in the fiance’s hometown to make the ring, which conveniently (from the future in-law’s point of view) necessitated a couple trips to his hometown to visit the jeweler (and the future in-laws).
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