Offering a son a diamond to use in an engagement ring

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Have any of you offered your sons a diamond you already own to be used in a future engagement ring? How did you go about this? How was your offer received by your son? What was the timing of your offer relative to their dating lives?

I do not have a ring to offer - just a stone. This is a round diamond (not completely sure of the size - slightly bigger than a carat and a half) that dh gave me for our 10th wedding anniversary, and it is just in a single drop worn on a chain. So, the stone would have to be set. I have cleared with dh that I can offer this stone to our son.

Ds seems to have his first someone special in his life, but the relationship is still very new. Not sure where it will go. I kind of wish I would have made this offer before there was anyone in the picture, but since I missed that window, I don’t want to seem like an eager beaver and offer anything too inappropriately early. Additionally, I wouldn’t want him to feel obligated to take it. Lastly, I don’t want it to seem insulting in any way.

All thoughts/experiences welcome. Also experiences from those married folks on here who either gave or received a family diamond when you got engaged. FWIW, dh thinks we should wait and see if they are still dating in November or December of this year and then offering. Not exactly sure how/why he came up with that time frame.

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I would wait until your son gives some indication that he wants to get engaged, or is he not likely to share this with you?

It’s interesting: my kids are opposed to engagement rings because they are part of past customs where the man shows ownership of a woman via ring, and it is still not reciprocal for most couples.

I don’t own a diamond anyway :slight_smile:

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This used to be common enough in families with the resources to do it: the boys in the family would be told to come to the parents when they were ready to get engaged, and either a family ring or a stone would be produced, or money for/towards the purchase would be given.

We recently did something similar with one of the gradschoolkids (a daughter, btw). She has Opinions about diamonds, but we had an unset sapphire that had belonged to her grandmother. It was becoming clear that marriage conversations were taking place, so (privately) I talked to her about whether she would be interested in the sapphire. She was thrilled to have something from her grandmother, and accepted the stone. They designed an engagement ring for her & wedding rings for both of them together, and got formally engaged the day they picked the finished rings up from the jeweler. They are both delighted.

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My mom did this. She has a bunch of stones and gave one to my stepbrother. The others are for me and my SIL if we want them, It was very appreciated and she gave it when he was about to propose and he made it into a ring for my SIL.

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Since it wasn’t previously discussed, I’d wait until the relationship is more cemented.

I’ve already told my D she’s welcome to whatever stones she’d like for her own ring when/if the time comes.

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My brother was given my grandmother’s diamond engagement ring when he proposed. I think she offered it to him when it became clear they were serious. They had the stone reset I think. Note that when they got divorced that ring/diamond was lost to our family. Now that my brother’s son is engaged my mother has made pointed remarks about her mother’s diamond and I have to keep reminding her that the diamond no longer belongs to our family and that her ex DIL may well have sold it years ago which was well within her rights to do. She knows I’m right but she’s still a little bitter. Just something to keep in mind.

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I dated my husband 5 years before we got engaged. By that time, the ring was more of a formality (we were living together and had the church and reception booked). The plan was for me to quit my job and go to grad school full time, so finances were tight. My mom offered up the beautiful diamond from my grandmothers ring and we gladly accepted it and had it set. My husband did propose with the ring (had the matching wedding band done at the same time).

I think you should wait if this is his first serious relationship. All of my kids had long term SO’s (1 - 3+ years) and then just moved in to the next (my 25 year old is going on 5 years and who knows if they’ll get married).

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When my son decided to get engaged, we offered him a ring (actually an engagement ring and a wedding band) that my FIL had purchased for my MIL to replace the one he had gotten earlier. Designed by a fancy London jeweler. She never wore it (she liked the first one) and gave it to ShawWife. We offered it to ShawSon who gladly accepted, though ShawSon’s fiancee said she was happy to wear the rings made of string that they had made for each other but had the ring inside a codex inside a hand-carved box that he gave to her on top of Yosemite Falls where he did the formal engagement ceremony that kids now seem to want to do. He was thrilled to have it to give to her. She is thrilled AFAIK. She is not connected to her parents (grandmothers and aunts/uncles invited to the wedding but not parents) and really wants to be a part of our family and this is just symbolic of her joining our clan.

ShawWife also has a large diamond engagement ring from her grandmother who is ShawD’s namesake. We were going to give it to ShawD when it looked like she and BF were going to get engaged. His family also had a ring for him. But, he couldn’t pull the trigger and and also changed his mind about whether he wanted to have kids, so after 6 months of separate and individual therapy, ShawWife broke up with him. So that ring is still in our possession.

So we waited until the deed was done. We live with the risk. They are so well suited but who knows.

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I was widowed long ago. The oldest is now 26. A few months back, I told my three offspring, none of whom had a SO at the time, that they would have the choice of my mother’s diamond ring, my engagement ring or my gold wedding ring when they get married. I will keep dh’s wedding ring. The choice of which ring they get will be first come first serve.

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Neither one of my kids is a relationship and we don’t have a family diamond. I’d say wait until your son is thinking of getting engaged. You don’t want to suggest it too early.

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We had several rings and stones from our family. Both of our kids knew that when/if they wanted one, they just needed to ask. This wasn’t a family secret. When the time came for the kid who is married, that kid already knew about the possibility. When her fiancé called to ask about marrying her, we told him about this. Then he and our DD decided which one they wanted.

@Hoggirl does your son know this is a possibility for when/if the time comes? I see no issue in letting him know that you have a nice stone, and should he want it…it’s his for the asking.

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I offered my mother’s ring to my son for whenever he wanted to get engaged or married (mainly to save him money since he is in grad school… I told him he could use the ring or the stones or the metal. He and his now fiancee talked it over and she wants to use the ring as it is as her wedding band. It was my parents and they were married for 70 years. She feels it is good luck and really wants to have it. (It is a white gold band with 5 diamonds on the band). I know my mother would have loved this!

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Once your son is serious and contemplating marriage, you should know the future DIL well enough to talk about the ring with her. After all, she is the one who will be wearing it. She may not want a solitaire type engagement ring. She may want another type of stone entirely. Or just a gold band wedding ring. It’s her choice.

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I thought Judge Judy says engagement rings have to be given back, or does that not apply after the marriage :wink:

It is funny how knowing a particular lump of carbon is that one that was passed down is somehow meaningful, and yes, I have some feelings about certain items. But could I pick that item out of a line up? Likely not. People are weird, myself included.

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It only needs to be given back if they don’t get married, after they’re married it’s all hers.

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No, he does not know about this possibility at all.

What you are saying is kind of what I am thinking about. Just letting him know it is available to him. One of his best friends from high school recently got engaged, and he was given a family ring to give to his fiance’. As a poor medical student, my ds’s friend was thrilled to have been given a family stone.

Ds, himself, is returning to grad school this fall for an MBA program. His post-college earnings have been excellent, but even though we are also helping with the MBA, we aren’t covering all of it, and I know he will be going through savings.

I do understand that this is (as far as we know of) a first relationship for ds, but he has told me in the past that he sees no point in dating someone he does not think is marriage material. This is the first relationship he has ever told us about.

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I totally agree with that. It isn’t a ring. It is a diamond drop that could be used as a center stone in a ring.

And, she (or whomever ds marries if he marries) may not want a round stone.

I won’t have my feelings hurt if she/they don’t want it.

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I don’t see why you’d need to wait to make the offer. Just let him know it’s not a hint and not related to his current dating status, but just fyi that if he ever gets engaged and needs a diamond you have one you’d like to give him.

Guys tend to be pretty good about brushing off hints from their mothers, so I think it’s a less emotionally fraught offer than one made to a daughter.

Also I’d say it’s pretty good odds he’ll completely forget about your offer and you’ll need to make it again if/when he does get serious and close to a proposal.

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As someone who has a hard time saying no and hurting someone’s feelings, this would have been a crisis moment for me if my H was proposing to me with a diamond in his family. I got along ok with his mother but and his family in general but as my engagement or wedding ring I would have preferred NOT to have a family ring - and it would be so very hard for me to voice my true thoughts.

Definitely be prepared for your S or future DIL to say no to the option. (though they might say yes!) But you really can’t/shouldn’t take it personally.

And if anyone does choose to use a family ring my opinion would be DO NOT surprise the fiance with this ring! The discussion should be done ahead of time.

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Well I think it’s both kind/generous and very practical to pass diamonds down! I have a feeling your son will be thrilled.

As to your general questions, in my opinion a lot would depend on how many kids one has and how many comparable diamonds. The “first-come, first-served” version mentioned above, if the 3 choices vary much in beauty or value, sounds possibly a little problematic to me (is it fair to the baby of the family or the one who takes a long time to find their love?). Perhaps in that circumstance, I’d get the 3 kids together to draw straws to pick which one they want , and then give their selection to them when the appropriate time comes.

If giving to a son, I agree it is imperative to truly suss out that the new daughter-in-law really wants the hand-me-down diamond. It could be too big/too small/too something for her taste. Or she might feel extra pressure to take care of it a certain way, perhaps feeling it’s still sort of her MIL’s. I confess I’m glad I picked my own ring out (and back then, my MIL was annoying me a little, and I really think I wouldn’t have been thrilled to use hers, hee hee hee). Or as mentioned, a DIL might love a special ring from a 70 year happy marriage, feeling it will bring good luck, but what if she doesn’t think her in laws have a beautiful marriage…maybe she’ll worry it will bring her bad luck :blush:.

It seems easier to me to pass a diamond down to one’s own daughter than to a daughter-in-law. But if one only has sons, then obviously that makes sense! Or to keep it and make a nice necklace when a granddaughter turns 16 (although again, what if multiple granddaughters!!). I guess maybe the new son-in-law could feel like a cheapskate not buying a ring for his new fiancé, but whatever, he’d be pretty lucky to get off the hook (!!), and the diamond might have more meaning to a girl coming from her own family.

But the practical side of me realizes that kids today face such expensive housing down payments, etc, that it’s a terrible time for them to plunk down a lot of money on a ring! So if there are no issues of being fair to multiple siblings, and it’s clear that both members of the happy couple would be overjoyed to receive it, it seems like a great idea!

I also agree that the two obvious times to discuss would be before anyone is in the picture, or if that time has passed, I’d wait until they are clearly discussing marriage. Most parents seem to be in the loop well before a ring is purchased.

Anyway, good luck, this is a very generous offer as long as there are no strings attached and no pressure and no judgment whatever they decide to do. I would hope no one would be offended if the “kids” wanted a fresh start with a fresh piece of jewelry. But I bet it’s very difficult to say no, so it’s a delicate discussion. And they may just leap at it!!!

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