Older Students: What Do You Do On Weekends (Where Are You?)

Colleges and Universities A-Z Fordham University
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This post piggybacks on a previous post I made on Melly236 regarding adjustment issues D. is having at Fordham. We’re helping her along as best we can. I’ve read countless posts re freshman adjustment. Her (early, I know) thinking is that she made the wrong choice of schools. We have an older D that had a very hard adjustment her freshman year due to homesickness and roommate issues but she never thought for an instant she was at the wrong school. (Having one child go through it does NOT make an expert, though!)

Helping current D at Fordham look at pros and cons and why she originally picked Fordham. She now thinks she wants the opposite. She didn’t realize just how quiet the campus would be. (Husband and I have been there 3 times on a Sat or Sun since we moved her in and the campus was empty. I can’t argue with her. On beautiful sunny days in the afternoon the MOST people we saw on Eddie’s Parade were 4 - 2 single’s and 2 groups of 3/4. No frisbee, no football, no soccer balls being kicked around. No kids laying on towels studying, laughing. Barely a kid walking by on the whole beautiful campus. She said this is the norm and she would love a more buzzing campus. Where is everybody? Are they all at home or in the city every Sat and Sun all day? The city is an awesome resource but I can’t imagine everyone is there all weekend.) In my mind Fordham is doing a good job watching them as we know alcohol is readily available in the Bronx. The dorm security guard makes kids walk a straight line when they come in at night. Although I’m sure some kids might not be happy with that lol. It’s stricter in that sense than my older D’s Jesuit school.

Her classes are no more than 30 kids which is wonderful in my book. She only has one teacher she can’t understand but seems to like the others. We know she will get a great education there. Unfortunately she is finding it hard to make friends, it feels like HS to her, cliquey and fake. She hasn’t found a group. She keeps reaching out but gets ditched or ignored. Fortunately she likes her roommate and they have been doing some things together. She joined 2 clubs. Hopefully she will meet someone there. I keep telling her (for the 100,000th time) that it will happen. She was also hoping it was more casual dress as far as wearing sweats around. Nope. So…She feels like she made a mistake in choosing and should have perhaps looked more at state schools with a larger, more vibrant on-campus centered, relaxed feel.

We told her stick out the year, but if she was still having these thoughts at Christmas she can go look at some schools then do Spring apps. She was wanting a Spring transfer and we said no way. We are hoping her mind will change because we (H and I) really like Fordham… but we aren’t the one going there. She started counseling there to help w/adjusting. (She said she didn’t like first one-I said keep going!) I hate to see her transfer and regret. I wonder what the % of that is.

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I sympathize with your family’s situation, pineview. It must be very hard to know that your daughter is questioning her choice, and there’s always the delicate balance of trying to help her adjust with letting her figure things out on her own. She sounds like she is doing everything she possibly can to reach out, meet new people, try new things, and stay positive. So best of luck to her. I have two children in college now (junior and sophomore) and can offer some general observations in the hope that you might find something that could help you.

My older child attends a large state school and loves it, and has from the beginning (in my opinion, flagship state schools are completely underrated and offer a great experience, but that is a post for another day…). From the very first week of freshman year, she loved the excitement and buzz on campus and just loved being there and seeing everything that was going on. This, despite not having a real core “group” of friends freshman year (she’s since built up a variety of friends from many different activities that she’s gotten involved with, but doesn’t necessarily have a core group). So I guess what I’m saying is that she did feel a great vibe from the campus early on, despite not having “a group” and that made her love her school. The fact that your daughter finds the campus unexpectedly quiet and the vibe isn’t what she’s looking for might be a deal breaker for her, even if she finds a group. Some kids just have visions of walking/biking across a vibrant campus with kids playing frisbee, hanging out on the grass, throwing a football, etc. It could be that many kids at Fordham want to do this but don’t since they don’t see many other kids doing it. Plus, like you said, the allure of the city can be strong. On the other hand, if she finds a group of friends, the lack of activity on campus might not be a deal breaker for her.

My other child attends a very small school. Because there are fewer students, the vibe on campus is not as busy. But the college plans a lot of events on weekdays and weekends so there are always things to do that are college-sponsored and this really enhances the campus vibe and spirit of togetherness. They have an awesome outing club with trips every weekend where kids can connect with nature and each other without their phones and other devices interfering (a big issue today with kids, in my opinion), plus lectures, comedy shows, trivia nights, special theme nights in the dining halls, etc. Does Fordham offer events, particularly on the weekends, that are beyond previously scheduled athletic events? To me that is a good indication that a school cares about the non-academic side of its students. If a school takes the time to plan a range of events, it can increase camaraderie, school spirit, and enjoyment of its students. Even with these things, it took my child until second semester freshman year to really connect with a group of people and start to enjoy herself. Now, as a second year student, she couldn’t wait to get back, and a big part of that was her group, who she didn’t find until second semester.

I know every child’s situation is different, but having your daughter think about the importance of having a group vs. loving the vibe on campus might help her decide if Fordham is the school for her. I wish you the best of luck as you move forward.

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I hope that being involved in the clubs will help her fall in with other like-minded kids.

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One thing to recognize that it is not easy to start college. You leave behind friends you’ve had for years, your comfortable home, and a school you are familiar with. I remember thinking I’d never find as good friends as I had in HS. And the truth is that it does take time, energy, perseverance and work to find that new group of friends. There are often some mistakes along the way . But over time I developed a group of friends who I expect to have my whole life. As a freshman I met people primarily through the dorm and through clubs I joined. Time and being open to new people is part of the answer.

Also the work in college is harder. I remember calling my mom during my first set of midterms freshman year feeling a bit overwhelmed and asking “Are these really the best years of my life? Because it isn’t really feeling so great right now,” But I made it through just fine, adjusted to college level work, and became a better and better student each year.

In terms of social live, I was fortunate in that I lived in Queens Court freshman year which had more than the normal amount of dorm-sponsored activities and that was a big help to me. I will say that as much as I love Fordham I do think the school drops the ball a bit when it comes to sponsoring on-campus activities. I don’t know if Fordham feels it can’t do enough to compete with Arthur Ave. and NYC, but IMO more of an effort should be made. Things can be done pretty easily like having weekend movie nights (maybe at night on Eddies in the nice weather), dances, and some other activities – especially for freshmen.

That said, once I settled in I felt as busy as I wanted to be. I’m not a big drinker but I’d go to the bars once in a while more to get out and be with people than anything else. Sometimes we’d have dinner of Arthur Ave (you can get away pretty cheaply) and then go back and watch SNL or a movie . And there is NYC – once we got comfortable going into NYC I’d say I went in on average twice a month – you can take the RamVan to LC and go to a first run movie nearby, we found lots of free/cheap things such as free small concerts in church basements, off off Broadway shows, going to free a taping of TV shows like The Daily Show, Tonight Show etc., going to the Village, dressing up and going to the Halloween Parade etc. And we would go to some sporting events on campus now and again (the football team is very good now). I also went on one retreat a semester thru Campus Ministry which I always enjoyed (which may or may not be of interest to her). From visiting friends at other schools, I recognize that is not the same college life as one might have at a large state U, but once I get settled in, I was never bored. Will it be what you D wants? I can’t say.

I do agree with you that the academic experience at Fordham with the small classes is really great. I had friends at some huge schools (some super high caliber) who stopped going to the huge lectures and watched videos online to learn the material instead. I would have been unhappy in that type of academic setting, but that is me. In all but a few classes, I felt that the professors knew me and were accessible for questions. I wanted that type of academic setting.

Time will tell if Fordham is right for your D or not. I think your idea of sticking out the year makes sense ,but only if she is committed to giving school an honest chance. If she is determined to leave she may not put the effort into finding friends activities etc. and could make herself miserable. For me Fordham was great but that does not make it right for everyone.

And one last thing…the grass is not always greener on the other side. Many transfers are for the best but not everyone who transfers finds a happier situation in their next school. If she does leave think very carefully about what she wants in a school (social life and academics) before making any decision.

Sorry for the long post.
Good luck whatever happens.

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Aw, I feel for you and your daughter, too. Adjustment can be hard.

Fordham recently had 2 different dances – Library? Perhaps that was the name of first one? Followed by President’s Ball and homecoming. There are a variety of athletic events on campus, some on weekends, including football games, of course. My own daughters usually spend a substantial part of the weekend doing homework and decompressing, they sometimes do other things, on and off campus, both. They are most often on campus the entire weekend.

Some fun things to do, even by herself, adding to Spirit77’s list – Grand Central tour, top of Rockafeller Center, walk the Highline, Tenement Museum, tours of the city including Free Walking Tours (you make a donation in an amount of your choice), go to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, MOMA, the new Whitney. In addition to her clubs, she’ll want to be sure to do everything offered by her dorm, even if her paticular dorm or wing has low attendance for those.

Perhaps the nub of it is that she hasn’t made friends, yet, rather than that there isn’t anything to do, on campus or otherwise, or that the vibe isn’t sufficiently exciting. We live near a campus of 60,000 students, and even it is pretty quiet on the weekends. And, even if you see those people playing frisbee, it can be lonely, when they’re not including you.

Best wishes to her. There are a lot of nice kids on the Fordham campus – hope she is able to connect soon.

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Thanks for your thoughtful replies. I’m taking them to heart and will be passing on your bits of wisdom to my D as her texts come in. I think she will have to go off campus more into the city for her entertainment, not relying so much on the campus. She does like NYC-she has been taking the train into the city since HS with friends and loafing around there. That’s one of the reasons she picked Fordham. She also was hoping for a movie-like campus life in addition to that and that’s where things are falling short. (Lack of friends, no buzzing campus life). You all are right, it may take time, and may take her deciding between what are the important factors to her as time goes on. My husband and I feel we missed the mark on this one. Wish we would have picked up on the mismatch. We visited on a rainy day, a blustery cold day, and a day during a long weekend. I remember saying the campus seemed quiet on the weekend visit day but attributed it to the holiday weekend. Too late now.

Looking forward, Pilgrim, she is visiting our flagship Rutgers in Oct-staying w/a friend there for the weekend. Just to check it out. Never would have pictured her there but…she wants to see opposite!

Right now it seems there is a domino effect going on. One of the only girls she talks to on her floor told her yesterday she is leaving. For the same reasons. Funny thing, D is suggesting she sticks out the semester-getting her the counseling center number, telling her to call the dean and not make this rash of a decision etc. (the things we have been telling D the past 3 weeks!). Others on the floor are telling her they feel the same way but stick it out. Almost feels like there should be some sort of intervention with these kids wanting to jump ship haha. Get the RA’s to lift these kids up or something. Not just a little floor thing here and there, dorm wide things or something. This thinking quickly becomes pervasive.

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As to where Fordham students are on the weekend –
Being a new student in college is always a big adjustment and unsettling. Some handle it well, some not so well. Some show they are struggling, some keep it under wraps. And most feel they are the ‘only one’ feeling the strain.

A lot of students at Fordham are from the area, and many go home the first few weekends – they, too, are missing family and friends, and haven’t established friend groups yet. As the weather changes, and students get to know others, that slows down markedly. As midterms loom, and after, many start studying more hours. Most of the older students live off campus.

Many on-campus students go out with friends who now live in off-campus housing, on Saturday night and Tuesday nights (there are few Wed classes for upperclassmen). Friday nights are often study times, due to Saturday commitments. Many evenings are spent visiting on-campus friends or having them over. Or studying, reading, catching up on a TV show, or social media. Those activities mean those students appear to be ‘gone’ -leaving campus uncrowded.
College is not like a sitcom. Those groups on Eddie’s playing Frisbee may look like a group of friends – but are often just a batch who have joined in an ongoing Frisbee toss started by two friends. The group of friends together in the lounge may have started out just out of their room due to a roommate issue.

Some advice - Join some groups -preferably ones that meet often. Join a sports group. Go to the gym. Go on the dorm-sponsored trips. Go see NYC on your own – wear Fordham gear and you may meet others who are doing the same. (Student tickets for concerts are very inexpensive.) Use the freshman dorm lounges. Get to be a regular at a restaurant on or off campus. Eat on a schedule– you’ll meet others who share your schedule just by doing that. Smile and greet people as you pass, even if just with a nod. Study in the same location often (find your place – a library section/lounge/nook …). Volunteer.

And, ask. You’ll get a lot more in life if you ask for what you want. You sometimes get a ‘no’, but if you don’t ask, you rarely get what you want. And most of the time you ask a reasonable request, you get a ‘yes’. (Read/view Jia Jiang’s 100 Days of Rejection-it’s a fun look at asking for things.)

And remember the “W” satisfaction theory. (This is an abridged and condensed version of an anthropological theory about people joining new cultures) It is true of college students, too. The timeline varies with each person, but the progression up and down the “W” is similar (this is a W with a half-height midpoint). … After choosing a college, students are happy with their choice (the top of the first line of the “W”) as school starts they plunge to the bottom of that line – unsatisfied/unhappy. In a while (2-6 weeks) they will start adjusting and get up to the middle point on the W. Then they will plunge down again, (often at midterms) but then their satisfaction will rise again to the high level they first had, as they rise to the end of the W (generally after midterms to end of first semester) and they will once again be happy with their choice and stay satisfied.