One LASTTT Short Essay Revision!

Parents Forum
1

<p>Can someone help me revise this short essay. Any assitance will be awesomee
WIsh me luck too!
thanks</p>

<p>Participating in the Hindu Samaj Cultural Group, with its goal of aiding the local community and increasing its awareness of Indian culture, has been my most meaningful commitment. As a member of this group for the past four years, I’ve helped choreograph traditional dances, write scripts for plays, and contribute to community service activities. This year, I was selected president of the group giving me a greater opportunity to serve the community by organizing projects such as Polio walk-a-thons, blood drives, and lunch boxes. Coordinating these projects taught me that hard work by itself cannot accomplish much, rather, delegation along with effective leadership leads to success. I’ve also learned to developed important contacts within my community by interacting with several local organizations. This group has allowed me to be an active member of the local community and in turn increase awareness of my native culture.</p>

2

<p>i think id spice it up a little bit, although theres no doubt that your experience with the Hindu Samaj Cultural Group was all that you say it is, its not...special, do you know what i mean? i would say include something specific, like a particular incident so that your words aren't cliche. at this point, the admissions people have heard what youve said over and over, so though theres no doubt that they're true, you need something to set them apart.</p>

3

<p>"Coordinating these projects taught me that hard work by itself cannot accomplish much, rather, delegation along with effective leadership leads to success."</p>

<p>Just a semicolon between 'much' and 'rather' should do the trick.</p>

<p>I agree you could spice it up a little if you had the space and did not exceed the word count.</p>