Our daughter is attending UTSA and having a hard time. She called last night upset, lonely, and depressed. Her roommate is a boy that she graduated high school with and they are, or were good friends she thought. Last few weeks he hasnt really talked to her at the apartment. She said he comes in and goes straight to his room. Comes out to eat then goes back. She cooks and offers him supper and maybe to watch a movie with her, but he’ll just eat and go back to his room. With college, she was having a hard time with her grades, but is slowly getting her footing now and her grades are coming up in the two she was failing. She’s hoping to keep her momentum on her studying and getting those grades up to passing. But in the area of friends…she hasn’t made any. She said she sits with her class groups and carries discussions with them and they have a good time in class or in the study groups, but after its over, they go off with their friends and she’s not invited with them so she just goes back to her apartment. She hasn’t attended any parties there because she said theres a lot of pot use and heavy drinking at them so she avoids attending. She suffered alcohol poisoning at 15 and it was a hard lesson learned for her. She just feels like no one wants to get to know her so its bringing her down. She said when she comes home, it doesn’t feel like her room anymore(because she took all her bedroom decor with her) and when she’s back at her apartment, she feels like she doesn’t fit there or at college. She’s also stressing herself out about what to major in. She picked business, but isn’t feeling it. She’s always been very nurturing and the mother hen type, I’ve always thought she’d be a great teacher…but the teachers in our school have done their share of dissuading her away from teaching. Which angers me. Just because they aren’t happy with their career, why would you spoil it for someone looking into it. I just don’t know how to help her. As her mom, of course, I’m trying to be understanding to her and not tell her what to do. But on the inside, I’m saying "you should have taken the first year to attend our local college while at home and work a part time job then moved to a university more ready. I don’t know. Is this normal? What can I advise her to do? She’ll never make friends or get a date if she is locked away in her apartment everyday not in classes.
I have heard many times that rooming with a HS schoolmate turns out badly. I think it sounds like a good idea. Show up at college with a person you know instantly, but were you really good friends in HS or just acquaintances. At least with an unknown roommate it makes you get to know someone new. Also apartment living is not conducive to gaining new friends. Dorms are good because you can have 20-40 kids on the same floor. They are close to you and you see them all the time. I lived in the dorms my first two years, but an apartment the last two. I didn’t gain many new friends those last two years and lost touch with some of my current ones. For me it is fine because I was dating my current wife and we spent all our time together. I never talked to my neighbors once in the apartment.
I think there are plenty of kids that struggle with making friends. My D19 doesn’t have a lot of close friends in HS. You have to ask yourself what to you like to do for fun then try to find others who like the same things. It is work to get friends and there is rejection along the way.
I think joining clubs on campus is a good way to find new friends.
I think a lot of freshmen feel sad and lonely at first. Homesickness is real and it is hard to make friends in a new environment. That said, having an apartment as a freshman is probably part of her problem. Apartment living is great when you have a group of friends to come over - but when you don’t, it’s just you and the empty apartment. Can she move into a dorm or is she interested in doing so? Can she get a job on campus that involves group work? Clubs, of course, are another option but she’d have to find one where a lot of time was required to find people to “bond” with. If she’s religious a lot of on-campus religious groups will have non-party social gatherings to play cards or watch movies. Encourage her to go OUT of her space to do things she enjoys on or around campus - exercise, see movies, go to music performances or plays, go to sporting events. Even if she’s alone just doing those things is better for her mental state than being alone at home and she might find certain activities she likes enough to lead to more involvement on campus.
Can she transfer into a dorm for second semester? That would put her in an environment where she’s meeting more people. Also, join some clubs, student government, or really anything.
Regarding the alcohol poisoning, I feel for her. It’s great she’s learned her lesson early, but unfortunately, others haven’t been as fortunate yet. Alcohol seems to be the center of most social activities on college campuses. Is she a member of a faith group? That might allow her to connect with a group of kids with something in common, and alcohol is pretty much discouraged.
Can she move to the dorm? Being in an apartment setting can be isolating.
She should look into joining clubs and activities, and staying on campus on the weekends.
She’s far from alone in struggling with the transition. Hugs to both of you!
I agree with @gpo613. It would have been a better idea to live in the dorms the first year. The classmates that dont invite her to events, do they also live in apartments? Maybe she can host an event for a club or class or something? I wonder if her roommate (friend) is struggling as well, and might he be wanting to leave? Or maybe she can talk with him about subletting her side, and moving into the dorms?
Get out of the apartment and into the dorms. Freshman generally live in dorms and they are all in the same boat - homesick and needing to make friends. Second, don’t be afraid to go to parties. Even if their is drinking and smoking, it doesn’t mean she has to do it. You can just hang out, get to know people, and laugh at the idiots. As for major, don’t worry about it. Get thru the first year and then decide. Good luck.
UTSA is a city commuter school at heart and she’s living a commuter lifestyle. Metro schools tend to be a lot more impersonal. UTSA has gotten a lot better since they started a Division 1 football team. You should’ve seen how dead that campus was in 2001! The dorms are a good place to live in if she wants more of a cohesive college experience. With these schools, you kind of need to have your group of friends in advance, because the fun stuff is usually off-campus.
Just a thought, if she’s a highly social person maybe UTSA isn’t the right environment for her. She might thrive more at Texas State University 45 min away. Yes, it has a reputation of being a party school, but there’s a ton of stuff to enjoy without alcohol. Sewell park is adjacent to the campus and it’s a big hangout where students relax, swim in the river and make friends. It’s a public park, so alcohol is banned except in designated areas.
Honestly that is why there are dorms – why did she get an apartment instead of living in the dorms?
Has she tried to rush and then join a sorority? There are 14 there and she should be able to find her tribe among the women in these groups. Sorority rush has you go to a bunch of different parties (non-alcoholic) and meet the young women and see whom you click with and click with you. It can make a campus smaller and you can make life long friends
I agree with joining some clubs or organizations. Almost every school has version of a university center board. They are the group that puts on the campus activities. Great place to meet people from different majors. You volunteer to work activities in your free time.
IMHO the living situation she chose was not conducive to making friends at college. The best way to settle in and become a part of things is to live in a dorm, have roommates, and live with other young women. How does one make friends living with a guy pal from high school?
The previous posters have given excellent advice how to work on that.
My guess is that anyone who might consider befriending her probably assumes that she and her roommate are in a romantic relationship and that she’s not interested in their friendship.
I suggest working now to get her into the dorms in January if possible.
But what I would do this weekend is this: Spend some time this week making sure her bedroom at home DOES feel like “hers” before she gets home for Thanksgiving. Find pictures of her and her HS friends, frame them and put them out. Get her favorite stuffed animial-- for my daughter it would absolutely be Stitch-- and put one on her bed. Give it some thought, and do what you can on that front right away. Perhaps even duplicate some of the decor she took to school with her.
As far as her major goes: have her PM me. I’ve been teaching since 1980, and there’s not another profession in the world that would suit me as well. Are there challenges? Sure-- but that’s life as an adult. I’ll be free to share my experiences with her to help her discern whether or not teaching is for her.
You say she’s a people person. Could you take a look at the school website, and come up with some concrete ideas for groups on campus that do some real good for the community? She’s likely to find other people people if she’s involved in community service that she really cares about; perhaps that’s a conversation you could have while she’s home for Thanksgiving.
Also, consider joining the parent’s Facebook page. You may find resources that you weren’t aware of there; I know the page at my daughter’s school has been a great source of info for me.
@bjkmom’s suggestions are excellent. Also, her roommate sounds like he’s depressed too, if he spends all his time in his room. I mean, it’s not like he’s out partying all the time. Maybe if she said to him bluntly “it seems like you and I are both feeling depressed, so I think the best thing for us to do is to promise each other that we’ll go out together somewhere fun every weekend” he’d take her up on it? Just getting out of the apartment and getting outside can do a lot of good.
Ultimately, she will find some friends; it just doesn’t always happen right away.
I sent you a private msg.
Moving into an apartment freshman year was he mistake made here. She missed all of the socializing that goes on the dorms during freshman year.