<p>Years ago I started a thread about hating my son’s essay. I received some great suggestions and the one that worked best was interviewing my son about the topic. The problem with his essay was that it was all “surface” and cliche. </p>
<p>I asked him questions about the topic and took notes. Then I told him to incorporate the notes into the essay. It turned out very nicely.</p>
<p>And I am 100% in favor of having a fresh set of eyes proof the essay before the student pushes the Send button. Even after I had read the essay several times, my husband found a typo that I hadn’t seen.</p>
<p>I remember my D worried because she was not “flowery” like some of her glib classmates. No problem. She got into Columbia & also passed the Freshman English writing test (AP grade of 5 alone wouldn’t get her out of Freshman English.) </p>
<p>Clear & concise narration is fine.</p>
<p>My S who was definitely NOT a writer finally did something like “What I Learned from a Robotics Competition.” I think the longest “paragraph” in it was 2 sentences.</p>
<p>I am a very reliable person. I am determined to finish a job once I start it.</p>
<p>Showing:</p>
<p>One summer my neighbor hired me to mow her lawn every Sunday. Rain or shine, I would drag the old mower over there each week, pushing it back and forth until the lawn was once more at neat, uniform height–and then taking time to do the tricky parts, the corners of the lawn and the areas around the trees. One day I broke my arm playing baseball. The neighbor was astonished when she opened the curtains that Sunday and saw me faithfully pushing the lawn mower–while wearing a cast! </p>
<p>Neither of those examples uses flowery language, but the first one is boring and abstract. The second one PROVES the reliability, without ever using the word “reliable”.</p>
<p>I’ve found this helpful in describing the “showing, not telling” aspect: Suppose a director was making a movie of your life and was about to film a particular important moment. He or she comes to you and asks, “How should I film this?” What would you say to the director about describing the scene in a way that he/she could translate it into a movie scene? The example above is a good example of that.</p>
<p>As a matter of technique, I would break the sample paragraph up into two pieces: the fist paragraph of the essay and the last paragraph(s) of the essay:</p>
<p>My neighbor hired me to mow her lawn every Sunday. Rain or shine, I would drag the old mower over there each week, pushing it back and forth and back and forth until the lawn was once more at a neat, uniform height. Then the time-consuming piece I called “the tricky parts,” the corners of the lawn and the areas around the trees were next. This was the routine most of the summer until that baseball game where I broke my arm…</p>
<p>(middle paragraphs of essay here, then return to the mini-cliff-hanger in the first paragraph (create what’s known as “bookends” to the essay)*</p>
<p>That next Sunday, my neighbor opened he curtains and started laughing so loud that I heard it even over the roar of the mower. She was pointing as she laughed and it took me a moment to figure out what had her attention.</p>
<p>Then I realized she was pointing to my cast! *</p>
<p>One more technique item here: splitting out the last sentence into its own paragraph is very effective at ending an essay. Somehow the last sentence has more importance when it’s not embedded in another paragraph, and helps make the whole essay more memorable.</p>
<p>With my son’s essay, he wrote it and I helped him pare it down. One school needed something like 100 words less than the other schools did, and I helped with that tightening up. I don’t think it’s out of bounds to help a kid with the editing process.</p>
<p>I mentored a young lady who was going through the application process, and she was a self-admitted “terrible writer.” She did, in fact, write a pretty bad essay, the kind of paragraph that would have gotten her a C- in sophomore year English class… but she submitted it to a college as-is, before anyone could help her with it… and yes, the college accepted her! It really made me stop and question why we get hysterical about this whole thing. Couldn’t believe it.</p>
<p>I think that a lot of help can be given and still keep the student’s voice. The hardest part by far is to select a topic. It can be something mundane if it had the effect of changing the kid in SOME way for the better/wiser/stronger. Discuss various memories the student had and choose one to explore. Have them work only on the first paragraph first, which is a detailed memory of the moment or incident. Remember as much detail as possible: who was there, etc. Do not try to provide any background info in that first paragraph. This is where the show, not tell comes in. You are dropping the reader right into the action without explanation.</p>
<p>Then write the final paragraph. This will SHOW an incident/moment where the changed student can be seen: the student who is stronger/wiser/more empathetic.etc </p>
<p>Only then try to write the middle. The second paragraph will be more of an introduction to the background of the action in the first paragraph. The next two paragraphs or so will detail the transition from the student of the first paragraph to the student of the last paragraph.</p>
<p>Now, the first draft will almost certainly be awful. DO NOT rewrite anything, but just point out where the writing goes wrong or needs to be strengthened. Don’t worry too much about grammar at this point - that will be taken care of in the final draft. Let each revision be written by the student. Always nudge toward descriptiveness and terseness. For example, point out certain non-useful words: “I am almost certain that now I can swim if the need arises” can be stated MUCH more strongly as “Now I can swim.”</p>
<p>But be careful that you don’t actually insert your voice. Lots can be accomplished by pointing out how sentences and paragraphs COULD be rearranged and how words cna be dropped, but alway let each revision be written by the student.</p>
<p>When everything looks good (and “good” is good enough if it accurately portrays the student’s voice), only then fix any grammar issues.</p>
<p>My D was bummed out when she read the sample essays posted on Tufts’ website … she figured she would never be admitted, because 1) she doesn’t write like that, and 2) she didn’t have anything quite that interesting to say. It took her forever to write her common app essay. Once she completed the first draft, I gave her feedback regarding the ways in which she was expressing her voice … we discussed how to make her essay more engaging. It turned out to be a fabulous essay. There is nothing wrong with helping your child with the editing process, as long as everything remains the student’s work. Good newspaper writers use editors, schools push peer-editing … why wouldn’t an applicant seek feedback on her essay?</p>