<p>Personally, I enjoyed both my kids’ move-ins (within the last few weeks, so fresh in my mind) a lot. </p>
<p>D’s went extremely smoothly (6 am flight, arrived in Boston at 9 am, rented car / drove / at dorm with bags on hand by 10:30, finished by lunchtime, had a nice lunch and attended care-and-feeding-of-parents reception, kiss goodbye, H and I went out to dinner and flew back that night). </p>
<p>S’s was fun since it’s my alma mater and it was a total blast to see it through his eyes --plus, their care-and-feeding-of-parents was exceptional. Parents’ reception at sunset on the sandy beach, with sailboats and the Chicago skyline on the horizon. Take THAT, California campuses! :-)</p>
<p>I am having fun reading all of the funny stories of move ins! I didn’t take my d to school, she had told me she wanted to fly to New Orleans from our Iowa home, so I didn’t save my vacation time. Then she decided she wanted to drive down. She is not allowed a car as a freshman, so someone had to go in order to bring the car back. My 20 year old niece volunteered and that was that. And, so, I don’t have any funny or stupid stories to tell.</p>
<p>I don’t know Schmalz, your comments seem contrived - my kids are confident that they know how to plug things in and arrange their drawers and fold underwear. We’ve all passed the stage where I need to cheer them on as they perform mundane tasks and I’ve now happy to pitch in to help, as PG expressed very well.</p>
<p>PG, I know you mean well by helping out…but does my point re letting them feel the joy of finally being on their own resonate with you at all? I think it’s quite possible that being a guy, there are some aspects of the mother-child protection instinct that I will never grasp. If there are some really primal forces at work, it might also be possible that I’m not a completely uncaring ***hole, and that my view is simply more of a male view–stressing individuality and self-reliance over family and teamwork.</p>
<p>“cheer them on as they perform mundane tasks”</p>
<p>Straw [wo]man… I never said that the parents would be crying and taking snapshots as they watched junior finally learn how to put a shirt on a coat hanger. But to a lot of kids that age, that day is their first time setting up their own place…don’t underestimate the significance of that.</p>
<p>In addition to being able to joyfully set up a room, my kids are completely capable of telling us if they don’t want help or telling us what their expectations are. So when we stared at two cars loaded with stuff, DS was able to express that he would be just fine with everyone lugging stuff up the stairs with him and he was also able to express that he was just fine with everyone opening up and emptying out said boxes.</p>
<p>“my kids are completely capable of telling us if they don’t want help or telling us what their expectations are.”</p>
<p>This thread is overflowing with well-meaning parents disregarding the wishes of their cringing kids, so your family’s attitudes might not be as common as you think.</p>
<p>I don’t have any problem with parents helping out if that is what their kids want. I also don’t have a problem with parents making their kids fend for themselves, as I believe there is value in that. To me, a “faux pas” is something that offends or looks ridiculous to others or breaks a conventional rule, and I think there is value in knowing what those things are, whether we care what others think or not.</p>
<p>my guess is that my son will “allow” me to help set up/ unpack to make me feel better, then change whatever he does not like later. I am going to have a tough time with him going to school next year, and he knows that too. He is going to do as much as he can to make me feel good about the separation, and would not take this involvement as an insult. Now, if we stuck around for a week after school started, he would have something to say about that! </p>
<p>He knows I am his mom, he knows how I think, and he knows how to work with it.
I also know that if he REALLY has a reason for not wanting us to help with move in/ set up, he will let us know that as well. We will have to take our cues from him on how much we help.</p>
<p>The 70’s. Move in day my soph year. Coed floor, separate suites for b&g’s. Separate hallway bathrooms for b&g’s. Went in to use the mens bathroom but both urinals occupied so I went into a stall and immediately noticed a pair of older female feet in sandals flat on the floor in the next stall.</p>
<p>Schmaltz, your point has been made. I think its time to acknowledge that others feel differently and let it go. Perhaps it was important to your kids that they do all the unpacking and arranging themselves. My kids both went to college far from home, and seemed happy to have H and I help them settle in to their room before we left them on their own hundreds of miles from home, to make friends and find their classes and make their own way.</p>
<p>We helped our S move in for his first two years, then he drove himself back to college the last 2 years. We’ve helped D both years (she’s only a sophomore) and she seemed to appreciate it. We let her take the lead, and did what she asked us to do. Sometimes I made suggestions - some of which she took, some of which she declined. Recognizing that H and I had actually lived in dorm rooms in the past, and had seen S live in a dorm, she thought our suggestions might actually be worthwhile. But frankly, she’s a much better decorator than me so I enjoyed watching as she put her room together and created her own personal “look.”</p>
<p>I would have been perfectly happy not to help clean and set up D’s room this year - certainly lots of other things going on. But, she asked for help - we had a nice time working and chatting with her suitemates - everyone including dad, brothers and grandpa pitched in. They left after a few hours and D and I had a lovely dinner out afterward. I don’t think that I hobbled her budding independence in any way.</p>
<p>My view is that there are LOTS of ways children can gain independence, confidence and learn self sufficiency. To me, certain events such as moving into college can be somewhat ceremonial and something to make a fuss over. That’s just me.</p>
<p>Others may not feel that way, so each family should make their own choice about what works for them without judgement of others who make a different choice.</p>
<p>Picture taking - we parents generally want to take a few of these pivotal moments including with the kid posed in front of this building or that and in some other situations. I think a lot of the students are less than eager to stand there in front of all the other students having their picture taken by mom or dad - i.e. in their eyes it’s a faux pas. Has anyone else found their kids less than eager to have their pictures taken in this environment?</p>
<p>A “faux pas” is defined as a social blunder or embarrassing or tactless act in a social situation. </p>
<p>If no one is around to see it, then I don’t think it counts.</p>
<p>Scrubbing toilets and folding your boy’s undies in front of strangers - I think that qualifies. Cleaning the baseboards before anyone arrives, and stowing the underwear because that was the suitcase you were assigned, I don’t think those qualify.</p>
<p>Yes.<br>
Indeed, S’s roommate’s parents (who were relatively new to this country, had never been to the campus, hadn’t gone to school here and for whom this was a REALLY new and scary experience) wanted to take multiple pictures of the new roommates in their new room, and even insisted that I be in the pictures (once with the boys … once with the other mother … etc.). Maybe they’re showing the family back home all the excitement. I don’t know. But I can hardly fault them for their excitement. </p>
<p>So my S did the right and gracious thing and smiled for the roommate’s parents’ camera even if he thought it was lame. </p>
<p>He also had the maturity to understand that I wanted to take a handful of pictures of him in places that are meaningful to us because we and so many of our friends are so darn proud and so excited for him going to our alma mater. Part of growing up is also understanding that it’s not always 100% about you, either.</p>
<p>Schmaltz, if it makes you feel better, the evening of move-in, the program was arranged such that you could either eat dinner on your own with your student in the town or the student could go with dormmates to try out the cafeteria, etc. It was sort of up to local discretion. My S suggested that he and I go out to dinner together – and good lord, there is pretty much nothing else on this planet I wanted at that moment than to have a nice dinner with just the two of us – and I instead said that I would be to the parents’ reception and he should go have dinner with the new dormmates, have a nice time! You know, because I didn’t want to hamper his budding independence. Even though I had hung up his winter coat in the closet and put the extra printer paper in the desk drawer earlier that day, therefore sucking the joy out of his college years.</p>
<p>Well S said he did not need me to make his bed this year. Made me sad as that was sort of my “goodby and have a good year” signal. So I did not. Wanted to but did not.
Next day got a call that his sheets did not fit–this year is an extra long twin and we did not know. Not a faux pas but still a groan. And I wished I had laughed at him and done it anyway–we could have run to the store right then. AND I know he wished I had…
Sometimes backing off is NOT the best thing to do. You have to weight how much this means to your kids and my S would have rolled his eyes at best and then told me what color he wanted as his father and I ran to the store.</p>
But frankly, she’s a much better decorator than me so I enjoyed watching as she put her room together and created her own personal “look.”</p>