<p>My H and D huge procrastinators they always land on their feet. So no consequence. They never think about the one that got awaythey reframe the situation. both are very happy in life, everyone goes about life in their own way. Sounds to me you and your D are close, which is great, but draw the line at her using you to destress, so she can learn some other skills. and you can be sane. take it from me stress is a killer. P.S; part of my stress is dealing with those procrastiantors but I have learned to let go and let them fall. Or I would be in the looney bin.which I am close</p>
<p>Parent of PP – I would consider using this summer as a time to reframe your parenting role somewhat. You can still be the supportive parent who is there for your daughter when she gets sick or has a concussion, and when she needs you. You can still be close. But, the extent of the nagging that you describe and the degree of upset you are feeling – locking yourself in the bathroom and crying – seem like they need to change. And, it seems clear from your post that you realize that.</p>
<p>What about coming to an agreement that for one semester, your D will either get free services at school from the learning center re: time managment, or you will pay for a “life coach” for twice weekly phone sessions to help keep her on track? That might be an intermediate step. Or, you could do a few sessions of family therapy this summer, in order to come to a mutually agreeable solution so you can back off, yet figure out a way that she can assuage your anxiety somewhat for a transitional period, by assuring you that she is working on her time management skills. Just from reading what you wrote, it seems like it might be hard for you to go “cold turkey”, and totally change this dynamic without a transitional period.</p>
<p>Also, I have no idea about how colleges deal with a student who gets a concussion, but I would consider 2 things (having had a child with a concussion in the past). I would get her thoroughly checked out by an expert (if you haven’t done that already), and if you feel that her grades were indeed affected by the concussion (which is entirely possible), you could think about whether your D should discuss that impact with the school.</p>
<p>Major procrastinator here - you can’t change any of us. I swear it is part of our personality. And I certainly can’t change you. What would happen to you if you decided to leave something until the bitter end? You couldn’t handle it. You wouldn’t be able to change, and neither could your D, so you need to let it go. Do your own thing, and let her do hers her way. However, in doing so, it is time for loosening of the apron strings - no more phone calls in the middle of the night unless a TRUE emergency. Time to slow down the rotors and stop hovering so much, and come in for a landing.</p>
<p>I don’t understand why the daughter would need either a life coach or student services-- according to the op, she has never received less than an A, the op is very stressed that daughter MAY actually receive a B…</p>
<p>Am I really the only one who thinks the daughter calling at 3am to stress about her essay topic and upcoming exam is inappropriate? Shouldn’t a child in college be respectful enough of others not to wake them at that hour just to whine???</p>
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<p>One could adopt that kind of mindset and argue that “hovering” is part of OP’s personality and that she cannot change it. A lot of people on this thread seem to be prisoners of the “fixed” mindset. I believe people can change (and some day, I will too :-). </p>
<p>I refer you to the work of Prof Carol Dweck who is at Stanford.</p>
<p>[STANFORD</a> Magazine: March/April 2007 > Features > Mind-set Research](<a href=“http://www.stanfordalumni.org/news/magazine/2007/marapr/features/dweck.html]STANFORD”>http://www.stanfordalumni.org/news/magazine/2007/marapr/features/dweck.html)</p>
<p>I think the d’s caling at 3am is inconsiderate. But I think this is her coping style. She is used to talking to her mom to cope. She needs to develop independent coping styles.somewhat like babies need to learn to self southe (sp) I think mom is identifying this as a problem, or stressor. cold turkey would not be good.realistic reevaluation of goals priorities, would be.</p>
<p>I meant soothe</p>
<p>I’ve found than most anyone can get away with being in procrastination mode, as long as one is not juggling too many balls at once AND gives up front thought as to what happens when one of the balls drop.</p>
<p>I tend to be more of the planner/researcher time. S procratinates a bit. Last year, it was unclear to me that, as a sophomore, that he was studying enough for his first three ever AP test in Calclus BC, Spanish Language and Euro History. Well, turns out he knew what he was doing (5,5,4.) So this year I sealed my lips. However, when he came up with a proposed Jr year schedule that included 4 AP classes, 1 college math class, another class, his two sports, etc. I asked him to reconsider and prioritize … and imagine what might happen if he was, oh say, sick for three days? What would it feel like to catch up. He finally decided the AP Spanish Lit class wasn’t so important to his cause (he’s a math/science guy), that his class schedule and rigorous enough and yeah, he doesn’t enjoy some lit even in English, much less Spanish. </p>
<p>It was his decision, ultimately. But I think he’s had a less stressful jr year because of it. And of yes, he’s missed 5 days of school (3,2) due to colds, etc. It seems he keeps getting the bugs from the other athletes. You’d think the chems in the pool would kill those germs!</p>
<p>thats a great waay to approach it,give them the scenario and let them decide.</p>
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<p>No need to wait for an accident before taking that driver’s refresher course. It would be nice if D could learn how to battle procrastination and get better coping skills before having to melt into a puddle.</p>
<p>But, if she is like most people, there is no impetus toward change unless there has been a crisis.</p>
<p>And no need for change if there never is.</p>
<p>Procrastination is definitely something I excel at. I really do. (Right this minute, I am procrastinating going to bed.) I am like a gambling addict who will bet on anything – I will procrastinate anything, including going to the bathroom. I also work for myself, which means I have major deadlines a few times a year but otherwise, no structure, no clocking in, nothing. I have also managed to be pretty successful. </p>
<p>After years of reflection, I’ve come to realize that I need a looming deadline for all the gears to kick in. I do my best work at the last minute, which is not to say that I haven’t been mulling things over in my mind for weeks or months beforehand. But it’s that imminent deadline that makes things come together for me, otherwise, I probably would never finish anything. I’ve learned to use my procrastination habit—either that or my subconscious recognizes my working/learning style, and distracts (tricks) me from being too much of a planner.</p>
<p>I agree with the poster who said it’s innate. It’s like being an early morning person. Which no procrastinator is.</p>
<p>So, this is leading up to say that perhaps your worrying, crying, and handwringing have turned an inclination into a needlessly full-blown state of panic. The more a procrastinator is nagged, the more intractable she will become. But since you and your D are close and she wants to please you, she gets hysterical and calls you at 3am (this has got to stop), instead of following her natural rhythm. This sounds like a bad pattern. She is neither changing her ways or taking responsibility for her behavior. As long as you are willing to do all the worrying for her, she doesn’t have to change. She can stay your baby forever.</p>
<p>It’s time to cut the cord. It’s not so bad – the worst thing that can hapen is a couple of B’s?? This has you crying in the bathroom? The whole point of college is that it provides a safe context for our kids to grow up a little, to make their own mistakes without our knowing their every move (thank God), CC notwithstanding. Failure is a major teaching tool. To try to insulate your D from it is a big mistake. It’s the only thing that will cure* her of procrastination.
*it will really only modify her behavior, for the better. There is no cure for procrastination.</p>
<p>I wanted to add that procrastination is an asset in a creative field. It allows for ideas to develop.</p>
<p>Darn, I was hoping son could cash in on this habit. It would be the ideal job- paid to not do things… guess he’ll keep his amateur gold medal worthy status. Sorry- couldn’t resist when I saw the word “professional”. It falls under the “how to drive parents crazy” category. They do improve with age as we get grayer and grayer. I’ll never forget that the Stanford application deadline was midnight CALIFORNIA time according to son. Sigh. PS- some of us night owls will stay up to finish things instead of putting them off until morning.</p>
<p>In my opinion, and as the recipient of some late-night panicky phone calls from my own procrastinating progeny in the past, I think the OP’s daughter could use some cognitive behavioral therapy to learn to manage her stress levels. Forget about the grades, just because she is getting A’s does not necessarily mean she is not having trouble coping. The OP is intuiting that her daughter is struggling. Her daughter may be struggling with something as benign as time management issues or something as serious as depression or anxiety. I would suggest a therapy appointment over the summer. By that, I mean ask a therapist to evaluate the daughter to make sure she is not depressed or suffering from any other serious problems. If the daughter is okay, then a couple of hours for the OP and daughter should be enough to put some new rules in place that will help the daughter be more independent and build her self-confidence and help the OP to get some sleep. If not, the therapist will advise what the next steps should be. One thing I want to caution parents seeking advice on these forums about is the tendency posters to advise tough-love approaches that have worked for them in the past. Although I am a fan of boundaries, consequences, and the whole tough-love philosophy, it isn’t always the right approach for every child. Sometimes it can be exactly the wrong approach. There is some great advice on this board and I have taken a lot of it myself, but acknowledge that no one here personally knows your child and if your gut tells you something is not right, then spending an hour with a therapist can be very informative. BTW, my late night phone calls stopped as my child matured and learned better time management skills and I learned to be less involved in his actual day to day activities. I am learning to let my children’s problems be their problems, which is easy to say and very hard to do. No one learns to walk without falling a few times!</p>
<p>Thank you bessie for your insight. I don’t usually choose to air my personal problems, but it’s been a particularly tough year and neither of us has been coping all that well. My D is in counseling, but it isn’t helping in all respects–obviously. Unfortunately, the root cause of the clinging (on both our parts) is the result of a fatal car accident that took my husband and brother several years ago. She is my only child, and I am all she has for the most part, as well. So I guess in the back of my mind is always that nagging feeling that something awful will happen again. I tend to overreact to what others would consider minor issues. I am also currently the primary caretaker for my ailing parents–one terminal and one practically non-functional. I promised I would never put them in a home. Unfortunately, I don’t have much help from other family members, so you can imagine what my days are like. Believe it or not, things are better than they were for my D and I, but I do realize that we have a lot of work ahead of us to truly make the most of our lives. I guess I want what every parent wants–a better, happier, more fulfilling life for my child. Sometimes I go about expressing it in the wrong way. I am trying–which is why I asked for some advice here–I needed someone to help me focus again. Seeing myself in print here and reading some of the comments–tough or not–has helped me to do that. My D and I had a heart-to-heart last night. At first, she wasn’t all that receptive, but when she realized where I was coming from it made it easier for us to talk about some things that have largely gone unsaid because they are simply too painful. I think we will be okay. Thanks again to everyone for your time and effort.</p>
<p>sorry about your husband and brother, you both have been so traumatized. It is no wonder you lean on each other so much. I think it is good to examine how our good and bad experiences influence us. and then see what we need to adjust. Is it possible for you to get some help with your ailing parents, this happens far to often and is such a big stressor. I tend to take on too much and am slowly learning what a toll it is taking on me. constant stress is bad and your body doesn’t know that you are stressed from doing good things it will not reward you.I know you want to protect your daughter from any further pain, but that is impossible, and she has endured much and survived.you are stronger than you know.My heart goes out to you.</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your losses.</p>
<p>You are carrying enormous burdens. Are you in, or have you considered, counseling for yourself? </p>
<p>I was glad to read that your daughter is in counseling (and I agree that calling home at 3:00 a.m. is not a preferred or appropriate way to cope). If your daughter’s current counselor is not working out well enough, perhaps a different one could be considered. Family therapy with you and your daughter together could be another idea worth considering.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry to hear about your husband and brother. It certainly adds perspective to your worries (and those 3am phone calls). It is completely understandable that you both would react the way you’ve described, and I take back everything I said. The fact that you are coping at all is a testament to your strength and fortitude. The same is true for your daughter. You two are lucky to have each other. I agree with ADad that someone to talk to, other than your daughter, might help to ease your burden. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too.</p>
<p>Toil, I’m so sorry to read of your tragic personal losses. I can see why it would leave both you & your daughter very dependent on one another, each developing your own ways of coping.</p>
<p>I don’t think the suggestions for counseling for your daughter are helpful, though – I think for THIS problem, it would be better to have counseling together. You want a family counselor who can help you build a relationship on new footing, and also help recognize that you both may be missing the underlying issue.</p>
<p>I might be very wrong… but I don’t think its really about procrastination. I think you might obsess about your daughter’s school work because you are really clinging to her, as she is and has been the center of your life in recent years… and deep down inside maybe you are afraid of losing the close relationship you have. So you cope by hovering. Meanwhile – your daughter probably is also afraid of independence and of losing you like she lost her dad (either a real loss or simply the loss of the close relationship)… hence the 3 am phone calls. Your nagging sounds over-the-top, but a “normal” reaction from a procrastinating kid would be to avoid telling the parent anything that would provoke more nagging (saying things like, “don’t worry mom, I’ve got it all under control, I’m way ahead of schedule” even if that weren’t true). But you get the 3 am panicky phone call – meaning that your daughter wants the connection with you even if it is more nagging. That suggests that your daughter might purposely setting herself to always need “rescuing” - if only emotional rescuing.</p>
<p>Anyway-- as I said – I might be reading way too much into this – but I do know that this is an example of the kind of things you might explore with a counselor. Neither one of you can change the other’s behavior, but you each have the ability to change the way you act and respond to the other, and that in turn may help you each with the growth you need at this point. </p>
<p>I also know that the sure way to make a procrastinator delay things even more is to keep nagging them – so back to the original question, as hard as it is, the first step toward the “cure” is to stop feeding into the cycle. </p>
<p>But I do think that both of you must be carrying around some very deep seated pain and fear - I can’t see how you possibly could not be feeling that way after the trauma you have been through. Maybe your daughter learned to deal with her pain by trying to wish it away, convincing herself that if she didn’t think about a problem it would go away… and that same habit shows up as procrastination… And maybe you learned to deal with your pain by trying to control every detail of your life, thinking that if only you could plan for everything and anticipate every possible problem, you would never again face such a horrible accident. Again, just speculation – I think these would be very normal responses to the grief and pain you have faced. My only real point is that a counselor could help both of you better see what some of the underlying issues are.</p>