Parent of Professional Procrastinator...

Parents Forum
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<p>My D has recently finished up her first year at a highly competitive, top-ranked LAC. Her first semester GPA was a 3.84 (2 A's + 2 A-'s)--she took courses in Neuroscience, Biopsychology, Philosophy and a First Year Writing Seminar. She is planning a double major in Neuroscience & Philosophy--she is mainly interested in the intersection between the law and the new brain science. She did her usual procrastinating throughout the semester and I, as the annoying parent that I am, kept lecturing her on its evils--warning that it may eventually catch up with her, blah, blah, blah. Well, of course, it didn't hurt her gradewise, which kind of--if truth be told--disturbed me. I think that this tendency toward consistent procrastination is like a ticking time bomb that will eventually blow up in her face. I guess I am mostly worried about her future--knowing that she is in a competitive environment and will have to really shine to get into a great post-grad program. So far, her professors seem to really like her and she has gotten some great comments/compliments on her work/papers throughout the year.</p>

<p>Also, I am your classic type-A—highly organized and I plan for every possible permutation—yes, she thinks I am crazy—and she could be (is?) right. She is a perfectionist but a procrastinator—never plans—flies by the seat of her pants. Drives me crazy! We are very close, but this is the great divide between us and a constant source of conflict...why won’t she listen to reason!!!???</p>

<p>The problem: second semester (similar coursework) seemed to be going along in the same vein as the first, but then the first day of reading period she had a slight accident at her job and sustained a mild concussion--so she basically lost 2 days. (I drove up and stayed overnight to make sure she was ok.) Then the first day of finals she woke up sick (with a nasty cold and cough--at least it was not swine flu) and was exhausted from staying up til 6AM to finish final papers. I don't think she had much left for any serious effort to study for exams. She said she was going to wing it. Just what I wanted to hear! </p>

<p>She generally avoided me for 5 days, which also worried me, because she's the type that calls nearly every day just to say hi. Just before she was through she sent me an email saying that she knew she was wrong and was paying for it and that she didn't need a lecture but that I also shouldn't worry. I didn't quite know what to make of it, so I mostly just held my tongue and told her to take better care of herself. </p>

<p>Now she won't know her grades for a few weeks yet, but I am hovering between worried and sick to my stomach that it came down to this. I have to lock myself in the bathroom so she won’t see me crying. (Yes, I am pathetic.) I don't want to see her get hurt. (Of course I worry more about her health and state of mind than her grades—but there is a connection here.) I am really trying to avoid the topic all together until I see the results, but I am not sure what to hope for. She has never gotten a B and has always succeeded in everything; everything has always come easy without much effort. I'm not sure how she would handle that or what the ramifications would be. Maybe that would be the tipping point?</p>

<p>So, has anyone out there had this type of experience where procrastination and perceived failure have led to a cure for this disorder? </p>

<p>I am hoping for growth--am I dreaming?</p>

<p>Advice for either eventuality appreciated...I just don’t know what to do or say to her anymore about this. I know it’s her life—her choice, but as a concerned parent I feel like I should be doing something. Help please.</p>

<p>(Yes, I posted under a new username to camouflage my shame and secret pain!)</p>

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<p>I’ve been a procrastinator for my entire life, though I sometimes do things right away (writing up minutes is a prime example), because I know I’ll forget otherwise. So I give at least some people the illusion of being exteremely well organized. Every once in a while I miscalculate and something isn’t ready when I thought it would be, but for the most part I do fine.</p>

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<p>Our son took after me too and was a procrastinator. However for big projects, papers, etc he usually was mulling things in his head before committing things to paper for the first time.</p>

<p>I have mentioned here numerous times that he did his primary college application essay in a few hours; an essay that got him a nice email from the regional adcom official from one college he had applied to. So while the computer time was minimal, I know that ideas had been swirlling around in his head for some time. BTW he tied together James Taylor’s lyric to Sun on the Moon("in line, in line, its all in a line-my ducks are all in a row. They do not shift, they do not move. They have nowhere to go.), a Disney World family trip , a rickety picket fence at home, and his imperfect teeth into on very funny essay about the futility of perfection.</p>

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<p>Look, there some things you can’t control and some things you can. When your daughter does things is one of them. Procrastination is the fine art of knowing exactly how much time you need for something and using no more than that time, because it is then over. Of course, every so often, the procrastinator is in fact wrong and things fail spectacularly, mostly because the procrastinator did not understand the scope of task. And if things fail, it’s your daughter’s fault. </p>

<p>Kindly remind your daughter that “poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part (or anyone else’s).” I hope your kid did really bad on her exams. How much people procrastinate is based on how much people think they can get away with. If you daughter finds that flying by the seat of pants doesn’t work, she won’t try it again (often). Otherwise, she’ll do it every semester.</p>

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<p>OP- Reread your original post esp. paragraph 5. Why so hysterical? So what if she makes a B? In some classes a B takes a herculean effort. You are a serious helicopter parent and must separate yourself from being so overly concerned about your daughter’s grades. She is doing well in school using her own study methods so leave her alone. How would you like it if someone was just waiting for you to fail? You predict doom and failure if she doesn’t do as you say. You get physically ill and you worry, worry, worry. The only bright spot is your daughter seems to have a grip on reality and that grades are a whole semester’s effort. Please respect her as an adult capable of completing her work as she seems fit, with no interference from you. Did you go to college? If so, then you remember that you don’t need anymore pressure to make good grades, you put enough pressure on yourself.</p>

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<p>In my opinion, procrastination is in the eye of the beholder. While I understand that your D’s work style is different from your own, obviously it’s been very successful up to now. I think that part of the solution might be for you to relax and trust that your D simply needs to tweak things, not make a major overhaul, and that she has the smarts and motivation to do that.</p>

<p>I hardly think that a couple of “B’s” freshman year in tough courses constitutes failure, and I’d hate to see her think that. I would hope that her mental state doesn’t get affected by unrealistic expectations.</p>

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<p>The problem with procrastination is that the procrastinator usually only leaves that much time in her schedule for the task. It’s not going to hurt when all is going well, but becomes a real problem when the unexpected comes up–a sickness, a personal emergency, etc. There is no flexibility in the schedule.</p>

<p>As for what you can do as a parent–back off! Your kid is in college and the time for crying about grades (unless they are failing ones) is done. A kid going off to college is a time for the kid to grow, but also a time for the parent to grow. We have to learn how to let go. It’s not easy when you think your kid could do better than they are doing in college. </p>

<p>We have to let those little birds flap their own wings. As long as she is not failing or in danger of taking more than 4 years to graduate, all you should do is let her do her thing and vent your disappointment on CC. That’s what we’re here for! :)</p>

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<p>Also, there’s a big control issue here. My parents nagged me in high school to do my homework, and it drove me crazy, because I didn’t like being told what to do. One might think that parents should be telling their kids to do homework, but I was my high school’s valedictorian (the class rank one kind, not one of a many). It bothered me because I wanted to do my homework when I cared to do it because I cared to do it. The fact that I cared was on paper, indisputable, but my parents never seemed to get that. Anyway, them telling me to do my homework made me want to put it off. I think sometimes procrastination can be the result of nagging kids as a knee-jerk response and a way to assert control.</p>

<p>Anyway, the way to get people to do something is to make them want to do it. You have to make your daughter want what you want, not tell her what you want, because when you tell her, she doesn’t want it.</p>

<p>Now that this is all over, since you two are close, you might want to ask your daughter how she could stop procrastinating, from a psychological perspective. Approach this issue from the standpoint that your daughter is a bad procrastinator, but mom pointing this out doesn’t stop it, and frankly never will. Point out that you worry, but you want to know what your daughter is doing is totally under her control, but she doesn’t put off things and forget about them (to extreme embarrassment), or make herself ill. Other than that, it’s her life, though when she makes plans with you, they need to be in advance.</p>

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<p>H and I are serious type A’s. (It’s a wonder we haven’t killed each other). We plan, we evaluate, we make spreadsheets, we fill in the little boxes with information. Planning a vacation is a project; if we ever had to do a major home renovation it would suck up all the oxygen for a year. I love my current vacuum cleaner- but it’s no accident. I knew I’d love it; everyone from Consumer Reports on down told me I’d love it. </p>

<p>My kids think we are deranged. They fly by the seat of the pants. Now that they’re grown ups I have come to accept that their MO would not work for me- but there’s nothing wrong with it. (Let me clarify- there is much that’s wrong with it, they don’t comparison shop, they don’t develop contingency plans, they don’t read online reviews-- but there’s nothing MORALLY wrong or inherently evil.)</p>

<p>You need to back off. Your D will be fine. The more you meddle the more it will drive you crazy without moving the needle on her behavior. She gets a B? Good life’s lesson. She decides that the stress of doing things at the last minute is too tiring? She’ll figure out a way to do things differently next time. She understands that anyone can get a cold or wake up with a migraine or have a bad day so planning ahead is a good way to build some flex time into her schedule. But she’s grown up in your house- and your hovering hasn’t taught her these things yet-- so now she has to experience the downsides of procrastinating in order to learn them. So let her learn them.</p>

<p>And for the record, I have learned something wonderful from my children. If you file an extension with the IRS in April, guess what? They don’t come and reposess your house. They just give you an extension. And if you eat in a restaurant where you haven’t consulted Zagat’s or read Yelp or even asked your neighbor about it- you will either have a great meal or an adequate meal or a terrible meal but the world won’t come to an end if you order the pancakes in a place where the french toast is to die for. And better yet- when you pay your bills online at the very last minute- you save on stamps, and your money stays in your account longer, not the phone company’s account.</p>

<p>So many tricks I have learned from my procrastinating children, and some of them are quite worth learning!!! So I’ve stopped complaining!</p>

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<p>ToilandTrouble-</p>

<p>I have no magic answers for you but just wanted to send a hug.
I have a son cut from similar cloth and understand where you are coming from. I also work with young adults in an internship setting and see how common procrastination seems to be.</p>

<p>Our son also cuts deadlines too close and so has learned that he won’t have certain opportunities…if you miss the deadline you’re not attending that summer workshop you wanted to go to.<br>
Unfortunately, as others have mentioned, procrastinators are mostly infuriatingly successful with their MO. </p>

<p>Now, son is 22. He graduated magna cum laude and is attending grad school in the fall.
His method is working for him. I just try very hard to stay out the way.
Good luck to you and your D.</p>

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<p>Hang in there! Believe in your daughter and what she has accomplished even if her path to get there is not what you would prefer. I too am the mother of a high achieving procastinating daughter and it has been a difficult journey for me to learn to keep my frustration and concern to myself. My D will be a senior applying to grad school programs in the fall with a 3.97 (one B freshman year). Her freshman year was a painful one for me because I know she is a procrastinator and tends to overcommit herself as well. Our relationship sounds much like the one you describe with your daughter - I probably could have written the same entry 2 years ago. We are very close but very different in the way we approach things. However, I’ve learned that it doesn’t change anything if I allow myself to get upset and I have to make a concious decision not to react and to refocus my thoughts on something else - those are the times when I try to do something for myself, something that makes me happy or relaxes me. As frustrated as I get with her, she continues to do well and that’s tough to argue with, so I take her as she is and bite my tongue!</p>

<p>My D always has good intentions, only to be up all night to meet the due date…even for her honors thesis proposal presentation with 2 exams the same day. She even thanked me later for not commenting on her procrastination. And her proposal was accepted with kudos and As on both exams. </p>

<p>I did see a glimmer of hope lately when she was talking about preparing to retake the GRE and trying to raise her GRE scores and she said “I think maybe God was trying to tell me that things come too easy to me”. Good luck with your daughter. She will be fine and do well in her own way. I empathize with you but I am confident that you will learn to deal with it as I have. In the end, what I want is for my daughter to be happy and our relationship to remain strong.</p>

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<p>major league procrastinator here … 3 top school degrees and a pretty good career so far … it seems to work for me. A couple thoughts. First, procrastinator kid and planner parent seems to the tough combo. Second, trying to force a procrastinator to plan ahead can sometimes be counter productive … for example, if I tried to write an essay months before it was due the grammar would be more correct but it would be flat and uncreative … almost all my creativity occurs at the last minute on a spur of the moment … it is just as true at 50 as it was at 18.</p>

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<p>Thank you to certain posters for the cold slap in the face–I needed it. Thank you to blossom for the humor–I needed that , too. Thank you to others who sympathize and offer encouragement. I needed perspective I couldn’t achieve on my own today.</p>

<p>The problem with our closeness is that despite my obvious flaws she knows that I love her, would do anything for her, that she can trust me no matter what, and as a result shares things with me even though she knows they set me off. When she calls me at 3AM and is freaking out that she is not done with her paper because she has changed her topic 3 times and she has an exam in a few hours and she is going to fail–my knee-jerk response is to get upset and feel a little sick to my stomach with worry. Also, I know she just needs to vent and for me to listen, but I feel helpless and cannot do anything for her so I get a little crazy. And, in a few days, it will turn out that she got A’s or A-'s on the papers and exams and I am reminded that I should remain calm, but I cannot help myself for some reason. This happens over and over. If she doesn’t preface her statements with mom don’t say anything, just listen–I don’t seem to be able to control my response.</p>

<p>In her initial college search she was looking at schools close to home. (There are personal issues that made her want to do so.) I was the one that suggested she look out of state. I wanted her to have all the opportunities I believe she earned/deserved. I did not want her to be tied down by obligations at home. One of the reasons I wanted her to go away to college was to foster greater independence, and make it difficult for me to hover. I will not always be here for her to rely upon and she needs to stand on her own two feet. Maybe this is why it is so important to me for her to realize that procratinating could be potentially hurtful to her down the line. Not because I say so but because it will serve her better in the future. I have never forced anything upon her. She has chosen her own path without my interference–her political views, her religious views, her vegetarianism, etc. I do not criticize her for her differences. I raised her to think for herself. I do nag her about procrastination but not anything else. She is not merely smart, but kind and empathetic. I admire her greatly. She is a much better person than I am. We have an open dialogue about most everything–this is just the sticking point. </p>

<p>In all honesty, I am fully aware of all of my peccadillos but rest assured that my efforts are not of self-interest or vicarious in nature, but for her good (even though my issues with control are well-documented.) I want her to be ok. I need to know that she will be.</p>

<p>Thanks again for helping to re-center me.</p>

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<p>LOL! I bet we have the same vacuum cleaner, blossom!</p>

<p>Actually, what you are describing is extremely compatible with procrastination. Making a decision in this way can be so difficult, that it is easier to put it off. Investment managers know that a lot of people just hold on to their money in cash because they simply don’t want to do the requisite research. Are you sure you aren’t procrastinating on that major home renovation?</p>

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<p>I think it is fine that your daughter is a procrastinator and that you are a planner…But I would draw the line at panicked 3am phone calls about her papers! It seems to me she is alleviating her stress by passing it to you to worry about on her behalf-- I wouldn’t put up with it, it is unfair to you. 3 am phone calls should be about emergencies that involve imminent death, heavy bleeding or major wars, NOT about paper topics or potentially failing an exam.</p>

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<p>I used to be more of a pocrastinator but learned over time and so will your. D.But that is her temperment and she can’t be anything then what she is. Also you need to know she will get a B or OMG a C sometime in her life. I am not making fun of you because I understand. I worry too.She sounds brilliant. She must learn about life by making mistakes, re=evaluating situations. What went well/what went wrong. Perfectionistic standards can be harmful. along with studies they have to learn life lessons. P.S. remind me of this next year, although my D has gotten less than an A at times.</p>

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<p>I think some kids have to work against the deadline to stay efficient. It is unnerving to watch, but there’s not much you can do about it.</p>

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<p>Accept your daughter for who she is. She may get a B, or God forbid, a C. But really, she is who she is and she will learn from her mistakes or not. Your nagging at this point in her life can only make things worse- it will negatively affect her relationship with you in one way or another.</p>

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<p>Omigod, busted!!! You got H and I to a tee, except it’s not the research that’s the problem, it’s the decision making at the end. We discuss, we research, we fret, then we don’t do the whatever-the-issue-is for another month. Which we reminds me, about that refinance…</p>

<p>To the OP–as others have said, us procrastinators were probably born that way, and probably can’t operate otherwise. How about, instead of hoping she learns a lesson through a failure, have faith she won’t? (fail, that is)</p>

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