Sadly, that is very true. In a number of states the graduation rate is based on how many students start 12th grade and then graduate, rather than thinking about the cohort that started in 9th grade and then should have graduated together in 12th grade.
When both of our kids were high school freshmen, both were playing in pre-college orchestrasâŠ.because they both really loved doing it (it was a huge commitment). Both also were in a prestigious auditioned childrenâs chorus (again because they loved doing it).
We didnât even have college ideas on our radar screen at that time. These music ECs were what the kids enjoyed most. Both also took private lessons on an orchestra instrument and both also took piano lessons. Whew!
I sayâŠlet your kid do what he enjoys. Forget about how this will affect college applications in the future. An authentic kid is more important.
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My son went to a very strong public school. Our observation over the years has been that the HYP-type schools donât value perfection in grades and scores nearly as much as many parents expect. Instead, they have admitted students who worked to be great at their passion. Authentic is a great word, as you canât fake passion to the level colleges take note of. Highschool grades become meaningless the minute you step on a college campus, but learning to make yourself great at something you love lasts forever. Your kids sound like they will be great additions to wherever they wind up.
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My Dad was considered the kinder, gentler version of a military Dad: he didnât demand that we be 'perfect" or the âbestâ at everything- all we had to do was âtry our bestâ- all the time, at everything. And if our âbestâ didnât get varsity / honors / etc, that was OK! as long as we had tried our best 100% of the time.
It was years before I realized how pernicious this is.
In real life, no kid, no parent, no human can do their best 100% of the time. We have ups and downs. We make mistakes. We have competing pressures and hard choices with no one ârightâ answer.
@melonmom18 / @melonmom you are expecting somebody else to meet a standard you canât meet and hurting your child in the process. From someone whoâs been there: find some compassion and flexibility before you break things that will be very very hard to fix.
Fwiw, we did it very differently with ours- followed more the âApplying Sidewaysâ approach- and our collegekids have landed happily in colleges that were the right place for them, including everything from the very tippiest top to SLACs to state flagship. A light touch goes farther than a heavy hand.
-from someone who has been on both sides.
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Go and buy a copy of Colleges That Change Lives to begin to realize that there are amazing choices other than T20 schools.
Give your child the space to make their own choices and even to make mistakesâdonât try to snowplow/helicopter and smooth everything over for them.
Echo the let them find their passion in their ECs rather than forcing them into something because âit might look good for college.â
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Well as my oldest was saying tonight in the car, imagine living back in the parallel universe where Covid never happened, there were no threats on the news and no one ever had used Zoom for classes.
Weâve all tried our best the last 2 years. Some have done better than others. There were days when I was ready to scream, but no one was asking me if I was trying my best. I guess I just think that phrase seems to hit me all wrong. Maybe, itâs innocuous and you meant it in a kind way. But weâve been more flexible the last few years with our kids as they were trying hard and sometimes things just werenât going ok.
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Sorry @collegemom3717 meant for @melonmom18 quoted the wrong person.
@melonmom18 is no longer a user
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Same here. Iâve seen kids whoâve been excessively pushed by their parents and it doesnât always end well. One kid I know is successful but only talks to her parents once a year and has no problem bashing them and talking badly about themâŠ.this was a kid who got in trouble for getting 98âs on testsâŠ
Iâve also seen cases where the kid was expected to be perfect, but the parent was far from perfect. Kids can tell when their parents are hypocrites
Our fourth is off to high school this fall, and our challenge with him is getting him to do homework. Heâs crazy bright and has done well whenever he turns things in, but heâs not terribly motivated by grades so that has been very sporadic. He tested very well during the high school placement exam, so the game now is engaging him in something beyond whatâs directly in front of him.
Heâs been to my alma mater for several events and seems to like it a lot more than the higher ranked places his older siblings have gone, and itâs not very distinguished academically so getting in is not a problem. But itâs a middling private liberal arts school that we canât really afford without a bunch of merit aid (last kid, depleted war chest, no one else in school, etc.) Iâm sure the merit will be there if he works, but he must work. Our approach with this one is to open the books on college costs and explain the cash value of turning in homework. The gap between this private and that public is $35k per year, quite a bit of which can be covered by good grades. Donât get lazy so youâll have a lot more options when we start thinking about this stuff junior year.
Weâre also helping him find his own space at the same school the others went to. It can be hard to be the little brother of this athlete or that honors student, so weâre consciously not pushing many specific options. I think heâs going to do XC in the fall (never had one of those before) just to have a fall sport and get to meeting folks early. After that itâll just be a matter of finding a tribe and keeping his eyes open.
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Regarding the larger topic of avoiding trouble, one of the biggest challenges kids face in high school is finding a tribe. Is there a place I can go where I can find others like me? Ours were all band kids, two were honors/AP track and found study pals there, one went big into JROTC, and athletic teams are always good places to make friends. One thing to consider when picking ECs is if he likes the others that are doing those things. Theater people, weightlifters, band geeks, DECA fans and student govt groupies, while not uniform, are frequently of a type that can feel welcoming or alien.
So try a bunch out, and start freshman year. Join stage crew and see if you like the people youâre painting with, try ultimate frisbee and see if those goofballs are a fit, hang out in the band room at lunch or before school and see who lives there. Donât wait until you feel more confident soph or junior year, as that may not happen and youâll have given away half your time at school.
This is all in addition to finding a group to study with, which can be very important in the upper math and science courses. One of mine was in a math track a couple years ahead of her cohort and it was difficult to get in with the older kids, but the younger ones banded together and it worked out fine. The AP/honors kids usually end up taking a lot of classes together, so that can be a loose confederation of acquaintances, but they donât gel until second or third year when the subjects get tough enough to start requiring mutual assistance.
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Two of my daughters and my two sons ran track (one daughter also ran xc and the other three played soccer), some of the nicest kids run, and many are on the honors/AP track, so they bond well. Iâve heard this is the case at many schools.
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